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kristinannie
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| Posted: Jan 23 2012 at 5:03pm | IP Logged
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There is one family member I have that is against homeschooling. She is also against stay at home moms. Usually I really try to just ignore her comments, but sometimes they just really upset me. Today she was going on and on about how kids need to be with their peers and how important preschool is (although her kids go to daycare and she calls it preschool). I do not regret keeping my daughter home for preschool. In fact, I think it is better for her. Sometimes I just want to get really mad when she makes inflamatory comments, but I don't see how it would help. How do you guys deal with this in a Christian way? This is someone close to me so I can't exactly stop talking. 
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Mackfam
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| Posted: Jan 23 2012 at 5:50pm | IP Logged
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If someone's mind is closed to the idea of home education and they are vocal in their opinions.....and they continue to share their opinions with me I do one of two things:
** Smile and nod a lot, offering courteous attention. My children can usually provide moments to redirect these conversations with their behavior, and I just let those happen naturally. And leave it at that.
** Smile, remain courteous, pick up on a tangent in the conversation and run with it to redirect a conversation back to more neutral ground. So....say this person was gushing about the glories of daycare and so forth, and she mentioned schlepping the children and all their tons of needed supplies-for-the-day into the van. When she takes a breath you might ask her what her favorite brand of wipes is? or what she uses to keep stuff organized in the van? Just redirect the conversation back to areas you're more comfortable with.
If I'm confronted about the decision to homeschool, I will politely say that the decision is prayerfully considered and made by my husband and myself and not open for discussion. Big smile.  (This is only IF the person is asking me a question in a passive/aggressive way, attempting to bait me. If someone is sincerely seeking to know, I'm certainly more open!)
 to you! We had some family members that were very vocally and openly skeptical of our decision to home educate. We simply remained kind, courteous, listening when necessary, redirecting when possible, and answering directly if needed. As the years have gone by, our children have changed their minds, and now they are among our loudest cheerleaders!
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Jan 23 2012 at 6:50pm | IP Logged
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Keep in mind that often when someone always seems to attack your choices, especially someone close to us, that it's more about that person than it is about us.
This -
Kristinannie wrote:
| Today she was going on and on about how kids need to be with their peers and how important preschool is (although her kids go to daycare and she calls it preschool). |
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may be more about her feeling insecure about her choices when confronted by your very different choice than it is about actual homeschooling. If that seems to be the case then a comment affirming their choice might help them relax some.. like.. "Well, it certainly sounds like you've made the best decision for your family." Keeping the tone light and pleasant and non-confrontational.
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All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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kristinannie
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| Posted: Jan 23 2012 at 7:13pm | IP Logged
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JodieLyn wrote:
may be more about her feeling insecure about her choices when confronted by your very different choice than it is about actual homeschooling. If that seems to be the case then a comment affirming their choice might help them relax some.. like.. "Well, it certainly sounds like you've made the best decision for your family." Keeping the tone light and pleasant and non-confrontational. |
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I do think this is the case. She also makes very aggressive comments that I am wasting my education by staying home, etc. I do think a lot of it is her insecurity, but a lot of it is very hurtful to me. I used to be a confrontational type of person, but just can't do it anymore.
Thanks, Jen, for reminding me to smile and change the subject. I think this might be exactly what I need to do!
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Jan 23 2012 at 7:15pm | IP Logged
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Two reasonable adults can come to different conclusions about mothering. Sometimes loved ones just need to agree to disagree. That's fine! Focus on the things that bring you together, not cause strain and stress. The suffering comes when one or the other or both lock into being "right."
Oh, and repeating the same line over and over can be effective, like "I'm glad we both feel good about our choices" or whatever you want your line to be. No one wants to listen to a broken record  .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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stellamaris
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When I have to deal with confrontational people, I try to listen (as Jen said), realize they are speaking out of their own fears/concerns (as Jodie said), and then I try to find ANYTHING they say that I can agree to. I will sometimes quietly state my position, such as, "I believe every child has a right to life." (said to a relative stridently defending abortion  ). Then, I look for that point of agreement. Sometimes it takes a little time, so I just let them go on prattling. I have found that so often really confrontational people are looking for affirmation, are lacking in confidence in their own positions, and are frightened interiorly. Agreeing with them on anything you can tends to defuse the tension and gets them to move toward a more positive kind of interaction.
So, here's an example (true story ):
Relative: "Only extreme crazy right-wing people would consider a candidate's stance on abortion as important."
Me: "Where a candidate stands on abortion is important to me."
Relative: "Well, only some kind of Christian nut would be against contraceptives."
Me: No comment. This relative knows why we have 8 children. 
Relative: I think the abortion issue should be a resolved at the state level.
Me: I agree. I have no problem letting each state determine the legality of abortion. (Silently, to myself, thinking many states would, in fact, make it illegal and some reduction of abortions is a positive good...not that I wouldn't prefer a federal amendment protecting life, but that could come later)
Relative: silence. There's just no fun in arguing with someone who has just agreed with you.
So, for you, maybe it would go like this:
Relative: Preschool is absolutely essential to a child's education. Kids who don't go to preschool are ruined for life.
You: My children are doing well at home.
Relative: But only idiots stay home. Moms who stay home are just lazy and stupid. Who would want to stay home?
You: silence, smile, because, obviously, you stay home
Relative: I mean, parents should care about how their children will turn out and whether they can get along in the world.
You: I agree. It is important for parents to look out for the well-being of their children.
Relative: Ummm, yeah. (I mean, what's there to say now? She can't disagree with your statement.)
This is the point at which you pass the tea biscuits and change the subject, "Say, did you see Downton Abbey last night? "
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Caroline
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kristinannie
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Caroline, I love it!
Usually I really just let these comments roll off my back because it isn't worth fighting over these types of things. Obviously we have made different choices and I have NO problem with her choices. I never say anything negative about her choices because I don't have anything negative to say. Today, I just really got annoyed and came very close to going off on her! I had to politely pretend like my toddler had a poopy pants to get off the phone nicely. 
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Jan 23 2012 at 9:14pm | IP Logged
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kristinannie wrote:
| Today, I just really got annoyed and came very close to going off on her! |
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Could be a sign that her comments are getting old and you may be growing tired of being the appropriate one. It can help to write down your feelings and/or a plan for what you will do when these episodes happen in the future.
Another helpful exercise is to imagine having the kind of conversation with the other person that you would really like to have. Imagine him/her saying, "I'm so sorry I've been shooting of my opinion about preschool without any regard to your feelings. It didn't dawn on me that you didn't even ask my opinion. It's just that I'm confused myself about what is best. Will you forgive me?" Then imagine yourself saying, "Of course! It makes me sad when I feel harshly judged, especially when I'm trying so hard to do a good job as a mom. Your opinion means a lot to me because I love you and it really pains me to think that I'm letting you or anyone down in some way. This job is hard enough as it is without added tension." Etc. I have used this exercise over the years in a variety of circumstances. It helps me to deal with my own feelings, avoid letting them build to the point of exploding!
Oh, the messy diaper exit - classic .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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SallyT
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Yes, what both Jen and Jodie said. (eta: and everyone else! I started writing this, then had to go read to my kids for bedtime, then came back and posted it). I have family members who dislike our homeschooling, our politics, our faith, pretty much everything about us, and who occasionally try to draw us out in ways which, if we let ourselves be provoked, would be totally useless and destructive.
Like Jen, I try to look for ways to redirect the conversation into more positive channels. Nobody's ever said anything outright about our homeschooling, though they'll say things like, "If X went to school, he/she could . . . " My response is generally a vague agreement: yes, if my son went to school he could run on a cross-country team. Yes, that is true. Nothing to disagree with in that assertion. I'm certainly not going to be the one to make the jump to the next level, of arguing about whether or not it would be GOOD for my son to go to school and be on a cross-country team. I just respond to what actually was said, which is usually noncommittal (though maybe kind of passive-aggressive, but I can be passively resistant with the best of them).
I leave it to them to make that move to the argument level, which they rarely do. In fact, I can't think of a time when the other person didn't just back down in the face of my refusal to engage beyond a noncommittal pleasantry. If they did press things, I think I'd just say that we had thought and prayed long and hard about what was best for our children, and that we were acting in what our parental judgment told us was their best interest. And then walk away.
As Jodie points out, people remark on our choices for all kinds of reasons. Other parents may, as she says, feel guilty or uncomfortable at heart with their own parental choices but are unwilling to confront themselves, so they confront you instead. Grandparents of course are concerned about their grandchildren, and may also perceive things like the decision to homeschool as an unspoken commentary on the way they raised you. I think it really helps for us not to be on the defensive (thought that's hardhardhard at first), but to think of the ways in which the other person may actually be responding out of defensiveness about something that we're not even fully aware of, and feeling our life as a judgment on them in ways we would never intend.
The other thing that's hard to realize at first, when we feel attacked and criticized, is that with time, homeschooling becomes its own argument. I've never gotten into discussions about homeschooling with anyone whose questions aren't sparked by genuine interest in what we do -- I don't defend it to my family. Ever. I wish I could say at this point that they're cheerleaders for us and for homeschooling, when we've had one child go to college with scholarships, and our others are clearly thriving, but I doubt that for my side, anyway, it will ever get to that point. I can't help feeling that they must see that it's working -- they like the kids, after all -- and meanwhile, *I* feel better and stronger, however, and more able than ever just not to go places, conversationally, that are going to tear down whatever relationships we do have. On my end, I just keep it light. It's stressful, and I wish we all trusted each other more, so that we could have more meaningful conversations, but if this is as good as it's going to get, so be it. At least we talk.
And I offer up every Mass I go to for those family members. I pray for them daily. I don't know what that's doing for them, but it helps me.
Sally
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guitarnan
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We began our homeschooling journey overseas, with much opposition from family. Some family members came around quickly, because they could tell even from phone calls that we were all happy with our choice and that our children could do things because of homeschooling that they could never have done in a traditional school. I think other family members still feel worried about "socialization" and other issues, but they have learned that I am good at redirecting the conversation when they decide to go negative. Plus, it's pretty hard to argue socialization when the children in question are in Boy Scouts, music and dance lessons, book clubs, etc. etc. I think the facts speak for themselves. It just takes time for family members to see the benefits of learning at home, schedule flexibility and one-on-one parental attention. But, given enough time, those benefits are totally obvious.
It seems crazy now, Kristin, to think that your son might be an Eagle Scout some day, but he could join a Cub Scout Pack, bridge to Boy Scouts and make Eagle. My son did. Scouting = Life Skills 101 and Socialization 101 - no family member could argue with that. Your daughter who does not attend preschool now could discover a love of music or dance, an interest in volunteerism, a gift for reading/comprehension...learning at home gives you a chance to look for all those things and more, plus the wonderful gift of TIME to pursue those interests and vocations.
The huge variety of summer camps, community college programs for homeschoolers, co-op opportunities, etc. give you other chances to foster your children's interests and vocations. What a blessing that you have a good education, so you can evaluate these programs and decide which are worth your time and energy! (Your education is not a waste, in other words, but a welcome gift...one you can use now as a home educator and later in another capacity!)
Give it time and be patient... you won't have to do or say anything, given a few years. The fruits of your time and love and your husband's caring support will speak for themselves. Really.
Meanwhile, why not ask your family member to help change a diaper or two?
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mommy4ever
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It's hard. Especially when they are being hurtful. Hopefully it's not meant to be so, just lack of tactfulness.
Responses to how important it is to be around peers(think of a group activity you do).
Indeed it is important to be able to get along with those around you, this is why we do the coop, and the cooking class with the 12 yo helping the little ones. It teaches them to interact with all ages. Just like the Schools have the older kids mentor the younger ones.
Against SAHM or large families.
Families come in all shapes and sizes. Some adopt, others foster, and some have their own. It's a blessing to the children when mom loves being home with them. I can understand that it's not for all women, but I love that I can be able to see ALL of their firsts. I have seen how much they've grown, not only physically, but intellectually, emotionally. I wouldn't trade it for any job. I'm so lucky that dh and I decided to do this.
And sometimes, you simply can't defend against it. State plainly, "You know I really love spending time with you. I cherish our friendship, but we'll simply have to agree to disagree on my choices to educate and care for my family. I can understand and even agree with your choices, I would like it if you could simply accept that the decision homeschool and be home with my children is my decision to make and that no amount of debate will change that. I find it somewhat hurtful when you keep criticizing my choices."
Good luck! I have had to take that stance with MIL and FIL. They love all their grandkids, have come to tolerate homeschooling, but really question religion. Not their choice. They can be against it, but keep quiet, or keep harping and alienate me and then not see us. Dh, while not Catholic, stands behind me 100% when it comes to our family. He is all for the kids being Catholic. So that is how it goes. They know that those areas, even if they disagree, are not for them to decide.
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Topic: How do you deal with family members?
