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jillian
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| Posted: Oct 31 2010 at 11:33pm | IP Logged
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I haven't been around for a good while, sorry about that, I have been having a spiritual "crisis" and been struggling a lot lately...that's sort of the point of the post :) This very well may be looooooooooong
Anyway, I have been turning away from more or less every aspect of the faith. In the beginning of the year I got a very strong conviction and pull to go back "home" to the Church. I was tried hard to get to Mass every week (and sometimes during the week too but our schedule makes it a bit difficult most mornings), and tried to get Jennifer (our little one) with me.
I am not placing blame on anyone but myself for willingly foregoing Mass and participation in what I am called to do as a Catholic, but I started making the excuses to not go to Mass because Jennifer was acting up more and more during Mass, no matter what I tried to keep her calm (sitting closer up front so she could see, bringing books about Catholic topics--the Mass, saints, etc--or bringing her some coloring pages to entertain her, or helping her follow along) and it became extremely taxing on me.
DH is not Catholic, and at this point has absolutely no desire to join me in the faith. He is willing to discuss the faith and has agreed to raise Jennifer in the faith but he is a bystander in all of it. He is also military so it is not always possible to have him keep Jennifer when I need/want to go to Mass alone. However, it is so extremely important to me to have Jennifer with me and know the Mass from a young age I don't feel comfortable leaving her at home.
Anyway, for that's the background. I fell away (again!) but my heart has felt so empty and I really do feel like something is missing. We attempted Mass this week and it was a disaster. Jennifer pitched a huge fit and wouldn't calm down enough to even try and stay through the Mass. DH is gone right now so I couldn't even go back for the later Mass after leaving her back home.
I already feel frustrated trying to get back to the church. I feel like God is calling me to lead Jennifer to more, to lead her to Him, but I don't know how to do it. She's 3 (in December, 20th) and I am feeling this ever pressing need (from outside myself) to begin to give her a life to emulate.
Things are in a lot of upheaval in our lives right now. Lots of external changes and a lot of inner turmoil for dh and myself (more me I think than DH but he's not really forthcoming in his emotions much). We are dealing with a lot of betrayal in our marriage, and I am having some "health" issues that are causing a lot of problems between us. I don't know how to express it well, but my marriage feels like it is about to burst apart at the seams, and a lot of it is me.
When we took our vows, we meant them and we will fight for our marriage but I don't know how much fight we have left. We aren't considering divorce (and I don't think it is seriously on the table at this point, at least not for me and DH has expressed a similar sentiment) but we have a long uphill battle ahead of us. We have neglected our marriage for so long. It became easy with me being in school (graduate school), having Jennifer, his insane schedule of being gone and working 120+ hours a week when he is here. We fell into survival mode. I can't do that anymore. I don't WANT to do that anymore, and neither does he.
I don't know how to begin the path to healing us. We are seeing a counselor when he gets home from this latest patrol (like a deployment but shorter but more frequent), not a Catholic counselor or priest but someone (not a Catholic counselor or priest simply because DH is a little resistant still).
I am afraid for myself to go and see my parish priest. I have discussed some of the betrayal issues in confession with him but I need more I think but don't know how to go about it.
I desperately need to renew my faith and desperately want to rely on Him and let him help me through these struggles and let Him help heal our marriage but I don't know how. Turning it over to Him has always been such a struggle for me, it's been one of the hardest things I have ever done, I don't do well with giving up control, I already feel like so much is out of my hands that I am terrified, like want to pull the covers over my head and shout "la-la-la" as loud as I can.
I just need some words of wisdom or support or something from those who have gone before me.
Sorry I knew that would be looooooooooooooooong. If you made it through, thank you.
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Nov 01 2010 at 12:36am | IP Logged
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Hi Jillian,
I'm a military wife and mom and can see a lot of the things I've struggled with in your post. Here are some of my initial thoughts:
Almost three years old is a tough age for frequent Mass attendance. When my Navy husband was deployed, I used to show up for Sunday Mass, chase my younger child around the gathering space, hope my older child was listening, and receive Holy Communion with the prayer, "Well, God, I got here..." Our church didn't have good speakers in the gathering space (where all the little ones ended up) so half the time I didn't know what the readings or homily were about. But I went. Sometimes I cried on the way home, but I went. It does help if you have access to a church with a nursery program (and that is not copping out, if your 3-year-old really won't behave). If your husband is away right now, you need a few minutes with God each week, and it would be okay to find a church with a nursery so you could have that time. Please believe that she will still see your devotion, even if she's in the nursery during Sunday Mass.
It is very very very hard to be a military family sometimes. (Not always - I hope you'll find in future tours that there are wonderful experiences and lifetime friendships out there!) When your husband comes and goes, and you are left to struggle with raising children and all the house everything and dead cars and illness and whatever else pops up (pets, extended family issues, work stuff, you name it), it is hard to be strong and positive all the time.
In fact, it's impossible. This is where God is waiting to help fill your heart with peace. You don't have to turn over the daily schedule to Him...just work through it and begin and end each day with a little conversation with God. (Sundays can start with, "Hey, I got here!")
You are right, as a military wife and mom there is not much about your existence you can control. You can set daily routines for you and your daughter, you can care for your husband and keep things going while he's on patrol, but everything else belongs to someone else's oversight. (My dh points out that even vacations aren't voluntary, because he gets "leave orders." Orders are orders, right?)
This actually means that you have a deep understanding of surrendering to God's will...maybe you just need to think about things in a slightly different way than you have so far. You know you can't choose your duty station or tour length, so you don't try (or at least not too hard). You wait to find out what will happen. Then you deal with it. I tell people that in my life, there's the God Plan, the Navy Plan and the DH Plan. I don't have a plan, since all these other plans already affect everything I'm doing. You don't need to duck under the covers. Instead, ask God to show you His way of coping with all those Other People's Plans, and take a minute or two each day to be in silent prayer with Him. (In the car, at home, wherever. Church is great but you can't always get there, I am guessing.)
I think it is beyond wonderful that your husband is so devoted to working out the issues you and he have identified together. Counseling is great for military marriages - you learn how to talk without blaming, listen actively and other helpful things that will last you both a lifetime. (Tip: Switching counselors is okay if the first one does not work out. Really.)
I see so many positive things in your post (and empathize so much with the things you must cope with right now). Since you can't do everything all at once, I suggest - without knowing much about your parish, driving distance, etc., - that you focus on those counseling appointments and Sunday Mass, preferably with a nursery while your husband is away. Build your two most important relationships, with God and your husband, and you will feel that you are standing on solid ground once again. (I know your mother-child relationship is important, but it's easy to neglect the other two...)
One final thought. A dear friend once told me she and her husband spend time each Dec. 31 to evaluate their year and make decisions together about what to change or keep the same for their family. Well, my dh isn't always here on New Year's, but we do sit down at least once a year and talk through the important stuff - faith formation, finances, school issues, future plans - so we are moving forward together, no matter how long or where he's deployed, or how many miles I drive as Official Family Chauffeur. You can change your minds about things...last year's great idea might not work so well in 2011...but change your minds after talking together, so you move forward in harmony. It helps.
Sending prayers for you...I know so very well how hard it is to have so little say over those things you always thought were important. (They are important, but not essential...there's a difference, one that can be very difficult to see.)
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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drmommy
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| Posted: Nov 01 2010 at 12:47am | IP Logged
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Jillian, I am so sorry that your are struggling through all these issues.
My husband is in law enforcement and not Catholic. I have been through the child thing during Mass. I have had to live my faith alone. Reading your post was EXACTLY what I went through. I know each situation is different, and you have to do what works for you and your spiritual journey.
What worked for me was the Rosary. Every day. I brought the children to Mass every Sunday no matter what kind of commotion was going on. It was hard, and I was embarrassed. I kept bringing them, and saying the Rosary daily, and to and from Church. No support on the home front, that is for sure.
Anyways, after years of doing this, I now have four children ages 18-8 who LOVE to go to Mass and actively participate. My non-Catholic husband who HATED the fact we went to Church, now makes breakfast for us when we come home. I just offered up everything to Jesus through Mary and the Rosary.
I wish I had better practical advice, but patience and the Rosary did it for us. Oh, and trust in Divine Will. Just try to hang in there for the Mass, and keep up the routine. One book, "The Incredible Mass" was wonderful and helped me to appreciate the Mass more.
God bless you in your journey. You will get there...just follow our dear Lord, and He will take care of the rest, even though is seems like He isn't. He will.
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jillian
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| Posted: Nov 01 2010 at 12:55am | IP Logged
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First off thank you so much for your post. I cried, and I laughed, and I am so happy that someone gets it from a military perspective (it is hard to explain it all to someone who isn't in the situation).
I would definitely wish I had a church near me that had a nursery or a good preschool age children liturgy but the closest other church to me is over 15 miles away. Money is tight right now (desperately waiting for first class and senior supervisory pay to kick in).
I have spent a lot of time lately on the verge of tears. I am feeling frustrated and worn out and just emotional exhausted. It's not helping that DH's homecoming date keeps changing on us. Just as I get ready to get in the "he'll be home in x days" mentality it up and changes with a couple days notice.
Our time here at this duty station is coming to a close (hopefully sooner rather than later, we have a lot of issues with this command, and it's not an exaggeration to say they lost half of their officers and lost the keys to the boat so they couldn't leave), and I am praying and hoping the next place will be better (I have to have faith that it will be).
I busted out laughing with the "vacations aren't voluntary" because we are dealing with that right now lol. DH is going home for the first time in over 2 years because of those "voluntary" vacations. 
Your advice at the end is so helpful for me. One issue we have is that we don't talk about the things that need to get talked about. If we aren't happy with something we both let it fester and fester and fester until something big happens. I desperately want to show DD what a healthy marriage looks like (I didn't grow up with that model and I don't know if you could call my in-laws marriage healthy but that isn't my decision to make, they are good to DD and to us).
I am craving the solid ground. We will get there, that is a promise we have both made to each other and ourselves. No matter what it takes we will strength and re-new our marriage. You are right, it is oh so easy to neglect the other important relationships when focusing on the parent/child relationship.
I feel like I am at a crossroads and I know one will be easy and "fun" and the other will be difficult and challenging. I am having a hard time remembering that the phrase, "the road to h-e-l-l is paved with good intentions". I have to remind myself over and over and over again of that.
I am 24 years old and feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders more often than not. I feel like if I stumble and fall everyone around me stumbles and falls too. Is that normal? We have been married 4 1/2 years, is this just a stage we have to get through?
Now I am rambling, perhaps I need sleep. It's almost 11 here. Thank you for the response Nancy :)
drmommy wrote:
Jillian, I am so sorry that your are struggling through all these issues.
My husband is in law enforcement and not Catholic. I have been through the child thing during Mass. I have had to live my faith alone. Reading your post was EXACTLY what I went through. I know each situation is different, and you have to do what works for you and your spiritual journey.
What worked for me was the Rosary. Every day. I brought the children to Mass every Sunday no matter what kind of commotion was going on. It was hard, and I was embarrassed. I kept bringing them, and saying the Rosary daily, and to and from Church. No support on the home front, that is for sure.
Anyways, after years of doing this, I now have four children ages 18-8 who LOVE to go to Mass and actively participate. My non-Catholic husband who HATED the fact we went to Church, now makes breakfast for us when we come home. I just offered up everything to Jesus through Mary and the Rosary.
I wish I had better practical advice, but patience and the Rosary did it for us. Oh, and trust in Divine Will. Just try to hang in there for the Mass, and keep up the routine. One book, "The Incredible Mass" was wonderful and helped me to appreciate the Mass more.
God bless you in your journey. You will get there...just follow our dear Lord, and He will take care of the rest, even though is seems like He isn't. He will.
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Thank you. I will check out the book, I wish my library system had a better collection of Catholic life/living/inspirational books but they don't.
I guess it's just push on through with God's help. I know living for Him isn't easy and I have to remember that the reward at the end is worth all the struggles and trials now.
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Nov 01 2010 at 1:07am | IP Logged
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Jillian, I try to think about it in another way...like this:
God and family first. The rest will fall into place.
After 25 years of marriage to the military, I have mostly found this to be true. Sometimes it takes a long time to find that solid ground, but it is there because God has promised us that if we build on rock, He will be there. (And every two years, for many of my 25, I've had to look for new rock. Not easy, but always possible.)
I think drmommy's advice is excellent and I encourage you to consider it carefully. My dh is Catholic, so I don't have the same perspective she does. Her comments are so positive!
The homecoming thing - I know it's tough and depressing. But...it's kind of typical. Expect change with the military, because you'll get it regardless. (My dh's first deployment was 9.5 months, pre-email, pre-DVD, pre-Skype...we really had no clue what would happen. I steeled myself for a non-standard deployment from the beginning. It helped.)
It's very challenging to cope with young motherhood and military stuff. It's not impossible. The military resources out there are great - please use them as your situation permits. Family Service Centers, counseling, drop-in child care (sacrifice a few food treats and use the $$ for babysitting)...life isn't meant to be all suffering, either.
One last reminder (it is very very late where I am!) - moving is one of the most stressful things you can do. If PCS time is around the corner, counseling time is now. Don't skip it. Eat beans to pay for that babysitter for your counseling appointments. Moving does not erase problems, it exacerbates them. (Extra bonus tip: When you pack in, put your daughter's bed together first. Then get out a few of her toys. She'll stop worrying if they are lost.)
I will pray for you tonight...
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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MaryM
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| Posted: Nov 01 2010 at 1:19am | IP Logged
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I think drmommy's and Nancy's advice and ideas are so helpful. What wise insightful posts. I will be praying for you as well, Jillian. As I don't have much concrete to offer, I do want to say that it is a common concern to struggle with taking little ones to Mass. It comes up here frequently and many members have shared helpful suggestions and perspective on that in the past. I've linked a few of the posts I could find hoping there would be some useful information for you contained in them, though I see you have tried many of the sugggested helps. And I'm sure others will chime in here with "taking a reluctant little one to Mass" ideas.
to you tonight.
Mass Expectations for Toddlers
Mass with a toddler on board
A couple on packing a Mass bag to help:
Items for a Mass bag?
What's in a Mass Bag?
Do You Go to Daily Mass?
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jillian
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| Posted: Nov 03 2010 at 9:46pm | IP Logged
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Thank you for the advice and suggestions everyone :)
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Pilgrim
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| Posted: Nov 04 2010 at 5:15pm | IP Logged
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I think it is a stage thing in marriage as well. We don't have the same level of stress you do, well maybe just different stresses, but sometimes when we have an argument it feels like everything is coming down around us. The arguments have been more than they were ever yet, and we are coming up on 4 years. I think the key is determinantion to work it our and much prayer. One major thing that has helped miraculously, and no pun intended is to wear a miraculous medal. Our Lady asked that people wear it and kiss it, praying the short prayer on it"O mary conceived without sin , pray for us who have recorse to thee." The medal took on it's common name due to all the miracles that happened when people wore it and asked Our Lady's intercession. I always knew of the medal, but when I read the book about it The Miracolous Medal by Mary Fabyan Windeatt to our dd I really took on the devotion to Our Lady and thought I'd try praying to her in difficult times. It has been awesome! When dh and I have an argument I discreetly kiss the medal and pray for Our Lady to help miraculously heal whatever is trying to come between us. It has never failed that we are able to more calmly resolve things before the evening is done.The other suggestion of the Rosary is a great one as well, it has really cdone wonders for us. We all pray a daily Rosary, even if not together because of time constraints. We have found that when we are struggling it may take almost the whole Rosary, but by the time we finish we are usually in a better frame of mind to face whatever the day holds for us.
As far as Little Ones at Mass, it is very difficult, I know. I was a single mom for 6 yrs. and it was so hard to do it all alone with an active toddler. God will bless your efforts! Stay close to Him, time and much graces gained will help all things! Parying for all of your intentions, and for some relief of stress, and the grace to face it all!
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