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Michaela
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| Posted: Oct 26 2010 at 2:04am | IP Logged
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I need your wise advice on how to handle a situation. Thankfully, I have calmed down TREMENDOUSLY since my daughter told me what her religious ed teacher said.
Background: We are usually at church on Sunday
9-10 Mass
10 Breakfast @ church
11-12 Faith Formation classes
This weekend, however, was different. Our boys were altar serving Saturday AND Anthony was going to be baptised on Sunday.
We went to Saturday's vigil Mass since my boys were altar serving. Sunday, no 9am Mass.
On Sunday, I let Anthony take his normal 10-11ish nap, got him bathed & dressed, and left the house about 11:40am for church. A GREAT no stress morning before his baptism. 
This decision, which I DO NOT regret, meant twins missed Faith Formation.
(I hope you're still with me  here comes the reason I need advise)
Welllllll my twins' religious ed teacher saw my 10yod, who along with her brother, was absent from his class.
She told me that they waved hello to one another, but then he came over to her.
He asked her why weren't they in class?
She explained that we were preparing for her baby brother's baptism.
He (scolded!) told her that going to Mass and class comes first, and we should have prepared for his baptism at another time. 
...THEN he followed that by saying, "Tell your parents what I said."
Typing that upsets me again, but I want to know your thoughts on how to follow up on this.
#1 we went to Mass!
#2 Faith formation is not mandatory
#3 since her father was less than 20ft away he should have had the conversation with him
How do you suggest I start the conversation with him this Sunday? I get upset quickly, heart racing, ears hot, confrontation and I are not good companions no matter how small.
I'm thinking about simply asking what he said to Olivia, then go from there.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Oct 26 2010 at 6:53am | IP Logged
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I think I would calmly say something like, "Olivia tells me you were concerned that she might have missed Mass last Sunday. We always attend Mass, but last weekend we chose to go to the vigil Mass so we would have more time to prepare for our son's baptism at (noon?)." (He'll probably say, "Oh," right here.) You can then continue with, "Of course, the twins will be caught up on their faith formation studies, don't worry about that."
Even better, if possible, would be to have your husband do the talking...but if you're it, just practice what you want to say ahead of time and don't get into a big argument. It's not worth it, since you and your husband already know you did what was best for your whole family.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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mathmama
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| Posted: Oct 26 2010 at 7:07am | IP Logged
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Michaela wrote:
How do you suggest I start the conversation with him this Sunday? I get upset quickly, heart racing, ears hot, confrontation and I are not good companions no matter how small.
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If you are anything like me, I suggest you don't do it  Husbands can be so much better at handling stuff like this and not getting emotional.  Prayers for you!
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Beth, wife to Tom and mommy to 4 beautiful girls:
Therese 11/04
Anna Mary 6/07
Veronica 10/09
Theodora 11/12
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SuzanneG
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| Posted: Oct 26 2010 at 9:32am | IP Logged
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I would be FUMING, Michaela!!!!
If I were you (with hot ears and heart racing  )I would print out these points and have my husband call.
Quote:
#1 we went to Mass!
#2 Faith formation is not mandatory
#3 since her father was less than 20ft away he should have had the conversation with him. It's quite inappropriate to question our family decisions WITH the children instead of US. |
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Or he could send a quick and short email, if he doesn't feel comfortable talking.
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Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
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Aagot
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| Posted: Oct 26 2010 at 9:36am | IP Logged
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Well, I know I'd be saying something like this:
"By the way, we have decided to homeschool for RE"
Since when does going to class come in a close 2nd to Mass? and before preparing for the baptism no less!!
But that is the hot head in me. Maybe Beth's suggestion will work better for you
Best wishes,
Aagot
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KatieMae
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| Posted: Oct 26 2010 at 10:17am | IP Logged
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Nancy's words are very appropriate I think. If you would be tempted to get hot-headed with a face to face conversation, I would just write that in an email to him.
I think it's only fair to assign positive intent, but talking to the child instead of the parent was a mistake on his part - overstepping a boundary & standing in judgment to a certain degree as well. However, I'm not sure that *I* would want to be the one to point this out to him. If your husband is friendly with him, maybe he would be willing to say something.
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Servant2theKing
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It's possible that the RE teacher deals with other families who neglect religious education, or Holy Mass. You or dh might just drop him a note or email kindly explaining that you received his message (via dd) and assure him that your family shares a priority for religious education, along with a priority for Mass and the sacraments.
A quote regarding the Church's view might be helpful. From the papal encyclical Catechesi Tradendae (Catechesis in Our Time)..."The family's catechetical activity has a special character, which is in a sense irreplaceable...Education in the faith by parents, which should begin from the children's tenderest age, is already being given when the members of a family help one another grow in the faith through the witness of their Catholic lives, a witness that is often without words but which perseveres throughout a day-to-day life lived in accordance with the Gospel. This catechesis is more incisive when, in the course of family events (such as reception of the sacraments, the celebration of great litugical feasts, the birth of a child, a bereavement) care is taken to explain in the home life the Christian or religious content of these events....Family catechesis therefore precedes, accompanies and enriches all other forms of catechesis."
Honey poured out can be more effective than human reaction.
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MichelleW
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| Posted: Oct 26 2010 at 11:36am | IP Logged
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Is he an intimidating person? I'm just wondering why Olivia didn't tell him she had been to Mass the night before?
I think I'd talk to your dh first. If he was that close to the conversation, maybe he has a different take on it. But then...maybe let it go? Yikes, it is so hard to say that to someone, but I know that I get so upset when I feel unfairly judged and so the Lord has been sending those situations my way. You know you behaved correctly in the eyes of God. How important is it really to correct the misperception of the teacher?
Really not judging you here, because if I'm honest I would probably call the teacher and set him straight. I'm just asking the question because I know that I struggle with situations like this and that I want to be a person who can be comfortable knowing that God knows the truth and that is all that matters.
(hugs, this is really really hard, and I am so sorry it happened to you on a day of JOY)
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Michelle
Mom to 3 (dd 14, ds 15, and ds 16)
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Erin
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MichelleW wrote:
| I think I'd talk to your dh first. If he was that close to the conversation, maybe he has a different take on it. But then...maybe let it go? |
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But then should this sort of judgemental behaviour be let go? Politely but firmly, boundaries need to be set because what if he had said this to a family newly returning to the Faith? In this case he said it to a strong practising family, saying something like this to a new fledgling chick could easily have the repercussions of them not returning. We have many families in our Parish who only come to Children's Liturgy Masses (once a month) their only window of opportunity of Graces that may encourage them to come more regularly; if something negative was said to them it would have a big impact.
Boundaries need to be set.
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Erin
Faith Filled Days
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ekbell
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| Posted: Oct 26 2010 at 4:52pm | IP Logged
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I agree that was inappropriate and unkind (even if he didn't mean to be so), particularly given that he is an adult man who's not related to her and she's a ten year old girl. It's bad enough being scolded for something out of your control, worse when there's a fair difference in size.
If I was going to discuss this, I'd quickly apologize for forgetting to let him know that the family would be going to the Saturday Mass and missing the class due to a family commitment and then I'd point out that it made my dd *very* uncomfortable to be scolded over a decision that she wasn't in charge of and to be told to pass the scolding on to her parents.
I'd then point out that my husband was available at the time (which should have been obvious unless you live within walking distance) and that all such concerns should be given directly to a parent in future.
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Michaela
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| Posted: Oct 26 2010 at 6:20pm | IP Logged
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MichelleW wrote:
| I'm just wondering why Olivia didn't tell him she had been to Mass the night before? |
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My daughter is so timid. She is exactly like I was at her age. A mini me. At this point in her life, correcting an adult just isn't going to happen. She did exactly what we have instructed her to do (and apparently he told her to do ) and let us know what had occured.
Servant, thank you for sharing that encyclical quote. It will be very helpful in the discussion with him.
In the 5 years my children have been enrolled in our parish's classes, we have never been given contact information for their religious ed teachers. I've never been told to call if they will not be in class. As a courtesy, part of the conversation will include asking if he expects to be informed if they aren't coming.
Letting it go is how I usually handle everything in my life to avoid conflict and keep the peace. This, however, needs to be addressed for a number of reasons. Especially since my children will be in his class the rest of the year. It just rubs me the wrong way to think he feels he has corrected my family (through my child) when we didn't need it.
DH and I will have to talk more tonight about which one of us should talk with the RE...maybe both of us. DH was upset to hear about it especially since he was there, but didn't realize what was going on. He was talking to my mom and I guess his radar didn't go off like mine would have. I wasn't nearby because I was nursing Anthony. I was *really* upset when I heard. I am still unhappy about it, but calmer and confident that we need to talk with their teacher.
Thank you all so much. Sorry this is so long. Emotions are making my ears hot again. lol
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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Angie Mc
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Michaela, I'm sorry, dear .
You own this man no explanation. Under most circumstances, I wouldn't say anything to him. This isn't "avoiding confrontation", it is just picking my battles.
Under some circumstances, my dh would contact him and firmly remind him of the limitations of his position, most likely via email. Matter of fact. Copy to the parish priest if necessary. Include what you want (an apology? only contact via your dh? etc.) Start and end with something pleasant like, "Thank you for your concern...God bless you in your ministry."
Praying you can move on quickly because this type of "crossing the line" stuff happens WAY too often... with the potential of eating up WAY too much of your precious time.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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leanne maree
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I can only agree with everything that has been said, but he has no right to talk to your children like that.
I would speak to him with your dh, together. As you know it was a conversation that should have been directed toward parents.
I am not sure what others think, but possibly have your daughter there as well- that way he can not speak untruths of the situation or accuse. ( or at least have her close by).
Like everyone else, this makes my blood boil hearing situations like this. 
saying all this, he may just have had enough of children not turning up, but again it is no way to let off steam or talk to innocent children, who were unable to be there because of there siblings Baptism.
God Bless you in your conversation
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Leanne
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KackyK
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I am positive (I teach CCD this year) about Servant's point that the teacher has "probably" (but from my experience this year, I know it's a "for sure") dealt with families that don't go to Mass, at all, like never! Crazy to go to rel. ed class but not Mass...anyways!
So I see why he approached. Obviously his manner was WAY OFF! At our church, all parents sign a form stating that they practice the Precepts of the Church when they sign their children up for CCD. We all know going to Mass weekly is one of them. It becomes sort of an obligation on the part of rel. ed to follow up. I see why he felt compelled to ask. However his tone was WAY wrong!
The fact that you have no way to contact him is CRAZY! I email my parents (as do the teachers of my other children) every week after class to follow up and so forth. I'd approach the DRE about changing that policy, that's ridiculous, just my 2 cents.
And the only advice I'd have about talking to him face to face, like Servant said about offering "honey", just saying I understand your concern, however please talk to us about this. It is our parental duty to take our children, it is never a child's sin to miss Mass, so to scold a child as such is missing the point. This is something I stress when we talk about the importance of going to Mass in class. They know it's a mortal sin to miss, but I tell them, this is not their mortal sin, not yet since they can't get themselves there on their own. So I'd stress to him, he really has no place scolding a child who wouldn't be able to help that situation anyways!
Offer your email address, maybe this is a bridge that can be forged to open up more lines of communication in the future.
Okay...too rambley...sorry!
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KackyK
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Religious Ed teacher comment
