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Gracesmom
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| Posted: Sept 27 2010 at 1:34pm | IP Logged
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I have no idea where I should put this post...
Anyways, I don't really have anyone to talk about this with...I tried talking to my parish priest, but really didn't get much advice.
I feel angry most of the time. I find that I am very short tempered with my kids. My house seriously looks like someone came in and ransacked it. It's always such a mess, that I've had to turn visitors away and have had to cancel upcoming visits.
I feel like I'm spiritually becoming further and further away from Our Lord. I feel like I am on my knees BEGGING him for some sort of help, but he's ignoring me. I know that that isn't true, but it's how I feel and I can't seem to stop thinking like that which makes it really hard to even say my morning prayers, or any other prayers for that matter.
I just want to feel content, happy, joyful. Instead I feel tired, angry, and unmotivated. I want to have a good spiritual relationship with God and be a good example for my four little girls (5 and under), but how can I do that when I constantly feel angry?
Any advice, books to read, sermons to hear, or experience with anything like this?
ANYTHING is MUCH appreciated.
Thank you so much...
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Maryan
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| Posted: Sept 27 2010 at 1:53pm | IP Logged
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 You're probably exhausted. I know whenever I'm angry and short-tempered that's the culprit. And that's not easy to solve when you have four five and under.
I've found baby-steps help me:
1. Exercise. My big exercise is to walk to the mail box or some place in my yard at least three times a day for that endorphin thing.
2. Make sure you're eating protein.
3. Add one small prayer for the next month. Then see next month if you have time to add more. (I like those In Conversation with God books).
4. FLY lady helps with ransacked houses, but her advice is that your house didn't get messy in a day, so be patient with yourself. I won't tell you how long it took me to clear my dining room table -- but right now it's clear!
5. Try to nap with your kids. I'm not good at this, but I try. I make all of the big kids have quiet time with me. Pillows on the floor, etc.
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Maryan
Mom to 6 boys & 1 girl: JP('01), B ('03), M('05), L('06), Ph ('08), M ('10), James born 5/1/12
A Lee in the Woudes
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Grace&Chaos
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| Posted: Sept 27 2010 at 3:02pm | IP Logged
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I wish I had some great words of wisdom, but I'm slowly learning to deal with all my littles (and they're boys  ). I can just send you a and tell you to slowly find those little things about your girls that make you smile. Pick one thing a day and sigh and feel blessed. Soon your day will be filled with them and the other things will seem better too.
If you are anything like me you are very hormonal right now. This is the first time in seven years that I am not pregnant and starting to get off such an emotional roller coaster (5 of my six are all 17-19 months apart). It is hard but it can be better.
I personally enjoyed reading:
A Mother's Rule of Life
Seasons of a Mother's Heart
God loves you and blessed you with four beauties because He knows your a great mom.
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Blessings,
Jenny
Mom to dds(00,03) and dss(05,06,08,09)
Grace in Loving Chaos
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JodieLyn
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You might also be dealing with depression or thyroid issues, things that.. so if doing good things like exercise, taking good quality vitamins (especially b's and d), eating well, etc. doesn't produce a positive change.. you may really need to get yourself into a doc and see if you can't get some help that way.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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ekbell
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| Posted: Sept 27 2010 at 4:37pm | IP Logged
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Tiny things that I've found useful (in no particular order).
The thought that this too shall pass. This is the season of the messy house and needy children but they will grow and the house will change. [There was a sudden change when my oldest started being more help then hindrance in housekeeping and child minding!]
Is there any small space that you can make beautiful and keep beautiful? For me it's been the tops of bookcases too high for little children to reach easily but not so high that I can't see them. It helps to be able to spend a minute or two looking at something beautifu, particularly if it brings the mind to God.
Lowering my standards for close friends coming. My mom once said that it's a blessing in this season of life if you can keep one room of the house free of toys and fit for guests.
[There've been times (in good weather) when I've hosted guests outside because they came without warning and my house was horrible]
Keeping track of when it's hardest and easiest to do things. As an example one of my girls *needed* a proper routine in the mornings until she was seven or so (everything always the same and no demands until after breakfast) to keep peace in the house.
Slogging through the tiny beginnings of a routine, one change at a time. If I go out on a morning walk *every* day, eventually I'll feel better (winter blahs in a north facing house- I need my outdoor times to have energy to do *anything*). After I've gotten into the habit of a morning walk- then I can make another change.
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seeker
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| Posted: Sept 27 2010 at 5:20pm | IP Logged
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Oh I am not a very good person to give advice because there are many days I feel just like you are feeling. In fact I could almost have written those exact words. One thing that does help me in the midst of it is to have some inspirational words to look upon. I copied a "few" from a blog I frequent (http://www.aholyexperience.com) and cut many of them out and placed them around my home. She's not Catholic but her words really speak to me. Here are some that help me:
"Just Inhale.
We're coming down the hill, curving round at Bobby Johnson's corner and I exhale, let it all go.
'Stress isn't a situation. Stress is a state of mind.' I breathe deeply. Am I the only one who preaches aloud to myself? Who talks myself down...
'And state of mind is all choice. Choose to take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ, the Person of Peace. I can choose stress thoughts... or I can choose Peace in this place.'
Deep breath in, deep breath out. I'm all here and so is He and there's no fear.
I'm slowing down after the bend, there by the Lutheran Church next to the woods, its white steeple and darkened bell stark against winter sky. The wooden white Cross at the steeple's peak is outlined by the scudding of clouds, grey and low. Stress deceives: There are no emergencies.
The winds winding through the cemetery on the far side of the country church and I'm thinking: Doesn't urgency over everything imply that God's in control of nothing? Or do we secretly like blustering about perpetually stressed --- because we suppose it's evidence of the pressing importance of our work? And yet if I'm on edge, doesn't that mean I'm not centered in Him?
I slow to pass by a hamlet of a handful of houses, the grain elevators at the edge of hardly-village. The musicians in the back seat loudly sing scales and I rowdily join in, feel myself scaling down, tension draining way.
God invites us to abandon worries and come abide.
I'm thinking all this about stress not being a function of environment, but a function of thinking patterns, and how to happily abide and lean back into Him, just before I turn at our gravel sideroad and that's when I look up and see it, perched there atop the hydro lines, February winds bearing down. Sometimes God needs interrupt your personal sermon and shake you awake with a startling visual.
I get it, I get it! Stress isn't a situation, only a state of mind. And my mind can choose the peace of God that passes all understanding....
Peace even in what appears, for all intents and purposes, (at least to us amatuers)to be a bona fide emergency!
Lord, cause me to abandon and abide. Even when things look just a tad bit tense around here... especially then!"
“We need to find God,
and He cannot be found in noise and restlessness.
God is the friend of silence.
See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence;
see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence...
We need silence to be able to touch souls.”
~ Mother Theresa
"I'm standing at the counter, day seeping in without knocking, jotting down a list of the day's tasks, the work of a week, in my journal, and it's just a tad overwhelming and I am trying to remember just to breathe...
And then I am fifteen, that summer I grip the handlebars of a Honda Goldwing, weave around margarine tubs set up as pylons in the backyard... 'I told you so!'
I told you I am just too scared, too tight, too… tight with fear.
Light fading one summer evening, Dad closes the shed door and walks across the gravel yard, his scuffed, untied workboots stopping at lawn’s edge. I manage, barely, to brake just before him. He waits while I pull off the helmet before he speaks.
'Move over.' I know that look of steely resolve. I hand him the helmet.
The harvested wheat field is ours. We curve around behind the barns and set off for the hill along the far fenceline. Dad gracefully leans the bike down and lets her glide, this way, then that. He calls over his shoulder, 'See how you just let her go? Flow with her.'
Dad gently curves down towards the woods, and I follow. I lean too. I don’t brace, I don’t stiffen. I lean into the curve.
'That’s it. However she leans, you lean too.'
I stand in a kitchen with a list in hand and a calendar on the wall and countless tasks pressing on the mind, and I take a deep breath, loosen the shoulders, stay fluid, let go and lean.
Lean back into Him.
Life's an adventure when we move as He moves. When I'm fluid and surrendered to Christ and the topography of now.
I can feel the wind in my hair.
Lord God, just for today, cause me to stay fluid, to live surrendered. Just to let go and lean into it, just as it comes. Just as You come."
"It's a startling, wrenching thing to discover that it's not time, or busyness, or pressing concerns that prevent one from prayer. The extent of prayer in one's life is a direct function of whether something else has been set up as more important than God."
"Lord, make my leading like the way You led: not lecturing but Storying. Because Story is the way to the heart.
What story can I tell today?"
"If you can't gratefully work with what God's given you today, how can He entrust you with much tomorrow?"
"Mama’s refrain began to massage hope into my scared stiff heart:
Relationships cost.
It’s not that you aren’t going to blow it. It is what you do with it, when you do.
I felt the strangling terror give way to realization. Motherhood does not require, thankfully, perfection. It simply requires commitment and humility."
"I light candles. We bow our heads. The Farmer prays. And I never get over the wonder that God makes the tarnished His temples — and that He doesn’t move out."
Anyway, those are just a few snippets that help me. Hope they will help you, too.
And you are not alone...
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Pilgrim
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| Posted: Sept 27 2010 at 6:36pm | IP Logged
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This is a wonderful thread, such great answers and good to see so many struggle this way, just that knowledge can help us struggling homeschool Mom's.
The spiritual feeling you have *may* be hormonal. I have noticed I feel it more thn ever when pregnant, I have the *worst* time paying attention and *feeling* the spiritual connection I used to feel before the last few pregnancies. The attention thing is so hard for me, the devil even makes me tempted to think "why even pray, because your attention is distracted most of the time anyway". My mind is amost always on everything else going on in life during prayer, sometimes I think it's because it's the only time(s) during the day when I stop long enough to just think. I frustarate myself so much with this, and feel like such an awful child of God when it comes to this, but when I look at it from a merciful side, I know that my heart *wants* to change, and I truly still love God and live for Him in the decisions I make.
You and I and all who are answring His call to have many little ones in a short time *are* being faithful to Him, and *are* giving ourselves in a very powerful way day in and day out, even if we don't *feel* it spiritually. Just the fact that we accept His gift of our fertility with a gracious and giving heart shows our love to Him, and our desire to serve Him. Positive emotions will not always be there, particularly when hormones are changing so frequently in this fertile and giving time of life.
The advice to make sure evrything is good health-wise is good advice. Pregnancies can take a toll on things such as thyroid in particular, and just because it didn't chnge in the first couple pregnancies doesn't men it won't all of a sudden as each pregnancy takes more nd more from a persons body. My Mom tells me this, and I have to force myself to stay open to this knowledge, because I have pretty much always had good health, and taken it for granted, and have to remember *I* amd not invincible, I have a human body sucseptable to nature and what happens to most all of us over time. So I try to keep my eyes open and seek medical help when I may need it especially for the sake of dh and little ones.
B vitamins in particular can be *very* helpful for moods. I tae a B-complex EVERY day whether I feel like I need it or not to stay proactive in keeping moods better. A friend of mine took large doses during pregnancies to just keep sane, and it was miraculous for her she said. The nice thing with B-vitamins are they are water soluable so you can take large doses(meaning even more than recommeded) and whatever your body doesn't need will just be eliminated in urine. Calcium, magnesium, and D vit. is another one that is helpful, it is calming.
I have also found exercise helpful, I do a "walk and pray" walking an oval in the Living Room almost daily while praying a Rosary. My family has actually joined me now. We can get our excercise in even in the winter.
I thank you for posting. It has actually made my day knowing that I am not alone in strugggles. Often with so many little ones running around taking things apart each day I struggle just to keep the house in somewhat of a sort of order! I *want* to have a clean house, I *want* to get certain rooms of the house clean, but *never* do. It's miraculous just to get things done caring for and watching over little ones, and then an extra chore that just must be done on a given day accomplished(such as changing over summer clothes to winter, or getting out clothes for a newborn, or clearing out clothes that no longer fit one of the kiddos). It grieves me that the house is often in disarray, but I *know* I can't do more, so I have to let myself off the hook, do my best, and be okay with that.
You are certainly not alone, we will pray for you. I wish i could help you more concretely like a meal, and a gug and a nice little care package because I know so much of how you feel right now first hand experience. Stay close to the Lord, even when you don't feel it. It WILL get better. One thing I have found very hepful is going to adoration at a perpetual adoration chapel, even if only for 5 min. Maybe you could swing that somehow. Sometimes I have jut gone there and cried before the Lord(tears can be healing, literally washing icky stuff from your body), my Mom tells me sometimes we truly just need a good cry, take a hot shower and have a good cry,you'll feel much better. I've found she's right.
One last thing I have found is my worst times emotionally or temper-wise can be when I am hitting-the-wall tired. When I feel the worst if I can just get a short 15 min. nap it really can help
God Bless you and keep you and your dear ones in His loving care.
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Aagot
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lots of great advice here. I think Jodie is right about checking Thyroid etc.
I have the same issues and this is what I am looking at:
1. pack up all unnecessary stuff (get rid of it if you can or just make it off limits for now). Less stuff, less clutter, less stress.
2. Pray, read scripture. (why is it so hard to wake up before the kids?)
3. A walk for everyone before school.
4. Quiet time, even if the house isn't picked up, take a nap!
5. Confession once a week for as long as it takes. Honestly I can't go more than a week or I am evil.
prayers,
Aagot
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amarytbc
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Much of what you describe is just how I felt and it took me a few years to discover that they are also perimenopause symptoms. For some these can start in the late 30s. Mine started around age 42. Keep an eye on your cycle and see if things get worse during the luteal phase.
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Natalia
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amarytbc wrote:
| Much of what you describe is just how I felt and it took me a few years to discover that they are also perimenopause symptoms. For some these can start in the late 30s. Mine started around age 42. Keep an eye on your cycle and see if things get worse during the luteal phase. |
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That was my experience too. At around 42 I was extremely irritable and angry. Something that helped me was taking Vitamin B and Evening Primrose Oil.
I was trained as a psychologist and we were trained to eliminate physical causes first. Pay attention to your cycle and/or take into consideration the rest of the probable physical causes mentioned here.
While you do that, try to start the day with prayer-whether you fill close to God or not-. Your intellect is telling you the truth-You might not be close to God but He is close to you. Let your intellect/reason be your guide for now.
I have found the psalms an invaluable source for prayer. The psalms seem to mirror a whole range of human emotions. You can always find one that expresses what you are wanting to tell God.
-What about starting a gratitude journal? It is difficult to remain angry, irritable, depressed when we change our lenses and focus on the blessings, large and small, that we tend to overlook.
-Fill your house with music- classical or otherwise. I find it hard to be sad or angry when I have a good Latin rhythm playing.
-Remember that supermoms don't exist -except in our own minds-. Don't fall in that trap.
Ooops I need to go now. I'll pray for you
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Natalia
http://pannuestrodecadadia.blogspot.com
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cheesehead mom
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This happened in my 40s too! Parish priest's are great resources for spiritual director but a well recommended Christian/Catholic counselor or psychiatrist may be a next step--if exercise and such aren't working to ease you out of this spot (be it depression or something else) be open to meds and counseling. Great recommendations here, saying a prayer for you.
Laura
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anitamarie
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Let go of should, could and would. Banish them from your thoughts. I start getting angry: when it should only take a child ten minutes to do a chore and they are taking an hour, when things would go more smoothly if everyone would only listen to me, I could get so much more done if only... fill in the blank. See my pattern here. My expectations can be so far from my reality. Which leads me to my next point.
Lower your expectations. Or at least analyze them and make sure they fit your reality. For example, today we had a number of things to do before we left for Grandma's house and my doctor's appt. Ideally, if everyone would have gotten to work and and stayed on task, we could have gotten to the library in the morning. I just stayed calm and let them work at it without getting angry that they weren't meeting my timetable. Just gentle reminders, especially when they asked for privileges or when we were going to the library. I had to have in my mind that we were able to go to the library after Grandma's house/dr. appt., or if they didn't do their work, I would just go this evening by myself. (A fate worse than death for these dc). I hope this is making sense.
A while back, AngieMc started a thread about self-talk, maybe a review of that might help. Lots of good stuff there.
Also, I have to constantly analyze what is reasonable for my family and me to accomplish in a day. Are my expectations realistic or is it a recipe for disaster? My dh has been a good one to bounce this off of, and a few close friends.
I'm fighting the same battle you are, and it's not easy.
I don't want my kids to fill in the sentence "Mom was always..." with "angry".
to you. You're an awesome wife and mom for noticing this about yourself and wanting to change it.
God Bless,
Anita
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: I could use some advice....
