4Real Forums: ideas for friend who lost baby

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Topic: ideas for friend who lost baby

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SusanJ
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Posted: Jan 20 2010 at 5:06pm \| IP Logged

Some very dear friends of ours lost their baby over the weekend. The mom wasn't feeling fetal movement Saturday--the baby's due date--and he was born still the next day. We are just heartbroken for them and wanting to do something. We are praying, of course, but they live across the country so there isn't much practical help we can give.

I'm thinking of putting together a kind of care package for them and I would love ideas from those of you who have been in this place or helped friends who have. So far we've thought of my friend's favorite (hard to find) tea and a gift certificate to a restaurant we know they like so they can have a date once all the activity dies down.

Other ideas?

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JodieLyn
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Posted: Jan 20 2010 at 5:14pm \| IP Logged

Do they have other children? if so then some new things to help them stay busy could be nice for mom to be able to rest more and recover (physically).

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Jodie, wife to Dave
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jenk
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Posted: Jan 20 2010 at 5:15pm \| IP Logged

I think it's a wonderful idea to send a package. My dearest friend, who lives 12 hours away, sent a care package after my loss and it was very comforting just to know that we were in her thoughts. She included some tea, a couple of small aveda candles, some body lotion and other "take care of yourself" type things. A gift card is a nice idea too. DH and I were able to go out to eat while my mom was still here and while I still remember the date as a very sad time, the few hours we had to ourselves away from home was treasured.

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JodieLyn
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Posted: Jan 20 2010 at 5:23pm \| IP Logged

a pretty figurine for rememberence can also be nice.. there's quite a variety. I particularly like the Willow Tree Figurines But you could look at saint statues or angels or there's some lovely ones of Jesus holding a baby and the like.

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Jodie, wife to Dave
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Erin
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Posted: Jan 20 2010 at 5:43pm \| IP Logged

I was given a small teddy bear that means the world to me. And normally I'm not a teddy person at all.
Like Jodie's ideas too. Something tangible that says "Our baby"

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juststartn
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Posted: Jan 20 2010 at 5:55pm \| IP Logged

A friend of mine sent flowers the day we lost our Ava. I still have two of the roses (now dried) in a vase, on a shelf beside our kitchen sink, where I will see them often...

I am so sorry for your friends.

Rachel

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Betsy
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Posted: Jan 20 2010 at 6:12pm \| IP Logged

What about a rosary?

If you hand made it you could get the crucifix engraved with a date/name or add a small feet charm on it, or something else personal.

Sarah M
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Posted: Jan 20 2010 at 6:31pm \| IP Logged

Susan, I'm so very sorry to hear this. I think this print is comforting. I will pray for them!

Mimip
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Posted: Jan 20 2010 at 7:12pm \| IP Logged

Sarah M wrote:

Susan, I'm so very sorry to hear this. I think this print is comforting. I will pray for them!

We had a dear friend that lost her twins to still birth and used that print on the holy cards given out at the funeral. Seeing it still moves me to tears

Susan, I'll be praying for your friend.

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Mimi
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Elena
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Posted: Jan 20 2010 at 7:25pm \| IP Logged

You could enroll the baby in the Shrine of the Holy Innocents then print out the certificate on nice paper and frame it for them. I have one like this for my baby and I treasure it.

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SusanJ
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Posted: Jan 20 2010 at 8:03pm \| IP Logged

Thank you all for these good ideas so far. This was their fourth child. I like that print, Sarah. It seems like their style. I'll see what dh thinks.

Thanks also for your prayers.

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guitarnan
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Posted: Jan 20 2010 at 8:38pm \| IP Logged

You are a good friend, Susan. I am praying for your friend and her family at this sad, sad time.

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mom2mpr
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Posted: Jan 20 2010 at 9:43pm \| IP Logged

I will pray for your friend and family. So sad.
What really helped me was food. I couldn't function and care for my family for a few weeks. It was so hard. So gift cards for groceries, restaurants, take out, meals from area families, online meal delivery, might be helpful. Even to have a gift card to go to a restaurant was helpful in that I just had to get there and my family(and me if I was up to it) could eat.
Just my two cents.

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JennyM
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Posted: Jan 20 2010 at 10:29pm \| IP Logged

Jodie and Erin already suggested some sort of tangible reminder of the baby. We were given a couple of things like this that are SO dear to us... one, a very small ceramic angel kneeling down that I keep on the counter over my kitchen sink. My sister carefully wrote our baby's name across the chest. Another is a Waterford crystal angel called "Grace"- the name of our sweet one- from my in-laws. Anything like this- even so small and inexpensive as our tiny kneeling angel- would be appreciated, I'm sure.

You are indeed a good friend to put together such a thoughtful gift during this time of great loss! Bless you!

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JennyM
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florasita
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Posted: Jan 21 2010 at 9:04am \| IP Logged

First of all I will pray for your friends loss and sorrow .
I second the holy innocents shrine , all 10 of our little angels are entered in the book and we were sent certificates.
Also the idea of comforting things suggested like teas , flowers , cocoa etc. for mum . I love the idea of the figurine .
I have to say My last miscarriage what I valued so much was when one of my dear friends came by in the evning and just sat in my room she and I just talking , the house was peaceful and she just sat on my bed with me talking .
My cousin lost two babies at full term and I used to think how hard that would be . Now having expereinced miscarriage I see and know aach loss is so individual. truely the thought and effort really is appreciated I speak from experience .

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missionfamily
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Posted: Jan 21 2010 at 9:24am \| IP Logged

Susan--Can I suggest too that you file away any choices you do not use initially and do a little something as month anniversaries pass. When Bryce died, the initial outpouring if love and support was overwhelming and really kept us going, but some of the most meaningful things for me have been the thoughts and gifts that have come later, knowing that someone remembers me in my sorrow and remembers my loss is so comforting. Just this past Saturday, as I sipped my coffee, the post lady delivered a package from Anne Cramer in Australia...it contained a beautiful rosary and St. Anne Chaplet, a necklace and earrings for me, and a special book for my oldest son. It was so such thoughtful gift, I was moved to tears.
So I would think ahead to the days when she feels the pressure of real life rebuilding.

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Colleen
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SusanJ
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Posted: Jan 21 2010 at 10:00am \| IP Logged

Thank you, Colleen. I was hoping for some advice along those lines.

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Anneof 5
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Posted: Jan 21 2010 at 1:59pm \| IP Logged

You have been given wonderful ideas. I wouldn't worry about which one would be best, I would just do something. I have lost three babies through miscarriage and even though they knew, these losses were pretty much ignored by most of my friends and relatives. What hurts most is no acknowledgement at all, even if one doesn't have the perfect thing to say or do. Just knowing someone cares can mean so much. You sound like a great friend to have at a time like this. I will say a prayer for your friends.

Waverley
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Posted: Jan 21 2010 at 2:53pm \| IP Logged

I am so sorry for your dear friend's loss. She is fortunate to have a friend like you to be there for her during this incredibly difficult time.

missionfamily wrote:

Susan--Can I suggest too that you file away any choices you do not use initially and do a little something as month anniversaries pass.

I agree completely. After a few months it felt like everyone was moving on but me. Having a friend call or send something helped me a lot.

I also encourage you to talk about the baby by name and ask questions about the baby - what color are his eyes, did he have a lot of hair. Even though her baby is no longer alive, he has a birth story and is a person worth learning about and remembering. Asking about these positive things can also help remind all involved that the baby's birth and life are positive, beautiful things amongst the grief.

I will keep you and your friend in my prayers.

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Waverley
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