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Leonie
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I hope this is an okay topic to post here. I know its one that tends to get a bit emotive. 
What are everyone's thoughts about combining mothering with other work - study, writing, business in or outside the home, work outside the home?
I have , more often than not, always combined some income producing activity and career activity with my careers of mothering and homeschooling. I find myself torn between wanting the best of both worlds, wanting my boys to see me as a person and role model, a woman with choices, wanting to prepare for my dh's probable early retirement and for the future empty nest syndrome. 
I also value the unpaid work that women do at home and in the community.
How do you feel about balancing these roles?
Roxanne posted a quote from Seasons of a Mother's Heart at the CCM list, about discipling our dc. Can we disciple in addition to "all the other stuff"?
Leonie in Sydney
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Erica Sanchez
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Leonie ~ this is such a timely post for me. And as far as emotive......I'm in tears as I sit here and type, but not because I'm wondering what it would be like to work outside the home. It's beause I'm a few months away of finally being able to "retire" from being the Youth Minister at our parish. My husband and I have been the youth ministers for 13 years, before we were even married and before kids. The kids kept coming and we kept on 'youth ministering'.
Even though most of the behind the scenes work I can do from home and typically we only leave the kids with a sitter one night each week, I can tell you that I am beyond the breaking point and in the end it has been my kids who have suffered, because how could the retreat or Confirmation or a whole host of other things 'not happen'? We bought our first house a few years back and, of course, then relied on that extra income.
Praise God that my husband got a significant promotion at work ~ sadly, it means that he will be away from us Mon-Fri for a few years ~ but, we can finally 'retire'!! I will miss working with teens immensely (I do love the job!) and I know my kids have experienced tons of stuff they otherwise would not have, but I dream of the days when "all" I have to do is teach my kids!!! And try to do all the incredible things all of you amazing women do each day!
I know there are many women on this list who work or serve beyond teaching their children who are very successful and they can give you much more encouragement and insight than I have. Sorry for the ramble and maybe discouragement........
__________________
Have a beautiful and fun day!
Erica in San Diego
(dh)Cash, Emily, Grace, Nicholas, Isabella, Annie, Luke, Max, Peter, 2 little souls ++, and sweet Rose who is legally ours!
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Leonie
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Erica,
Thank you for your reply. I will pray that all goes well with your decision.
It has helped me to know that I am not the only one with this dilemma!Thank you for your sharing - let me know how it goes.....
Leonie in Sydney
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Mary G
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Leonie:
First of all -- I don't think we'll ever have "empty nest" as we seem to keep having little ones about -- thanks be to God! I'm pregnant with our 6th and I'll be 44 when the baby is born and dh will be 53!
But on to your question: I too "work" -- I write for various periodicals, design hand-knits, and have started a knitting for Birthright group at Church. These are all things I can do when the littles are resting or in bed at night -- I try not to impede their activities by rying to work. That being said, however, if I am under a deadline, I will adjust schedules to get it done. But, family and home have to have priority -- which is extremely hard for me sometimes because I am a product of the 80s -- when women could and should have careers and could do it all -- but I know that doesn't work and I don't want to go back to that.
I still have friends who occasionally ask me if I am truly "actualized" in being home with the kids ... blah blah blah -- when I tell them what a gift it is to be able to BE HOME with the kids, they give me that knowing smile that says they don't believe me. It's an uphill battle sometimes!
Does any of this make sense?
Blessings to you and yours,
__________________
MaryG
3 boys (22, 12, 8)2 girls (20, 11)
my website that combines my schooling, hand-knits work, writing and everything else in one spot!
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tovlo4801
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Leonie,
This was actually an interesting question for me. I have a part-time data entry job to make ends meet. (Actually it doesn't quite make them meet, but it gets them a little bit closer  .) Even though I've been on these groups for a while now and I'm fully aware that many of you are writing books and articles, it truly hadn't dawned on me that there were other Catholic "working" homeschool moms.
When I was trying to discern if our family should be homeschooling, I talked with a couple of experienced homeschool mothers in our parish. They gave me a wary and stern look and cautioned me against taking on homeschooling while doing another part-time job. They said that it would be pretty hard to do. I listened to them for a year, but the calling to homeschool didn't go away. The next year I talked with a different Christian homeschool mother who said that it certainly could be done. It was all I needed to hear to jump in and at least try. I do data-entry every day for 3-4 hours. My schedule is flexible in that as long as I get my work done before my pick-up time the next day I can work at any time of the day. I am frequently adjusting our schedule in hopes that some new way of arranging our time will leave us with more time together. No matter how I arrange the day someone is short-changed though.  If I move my work to earlier in the afternoon, the kids get short-changed. If I move my work to the evening my marriage gets short-changed.
I'm not sure if my situation reflects what you are questioning. I'm not working for personal fulfillment or to give example of the variety of choices women have available to them. I have a degree in accounting and I'm doing a minimum wage data-entry job. Obviously fulfillment or modeling the choices available to women is not what's driving me. My concern is having enough money to pay the bills and still being flexible enough to care for my children. I could do accounting part-time, but I chose not to because I understood the energy an intellectually demanding job would take from me. It is actually better for me to have a relatively mindless, task-oriented job that is not high stress.
I don't believe that having an outside job (paid or volunteer) with specific deadlines and expectations is ideal for me. I find it very hard to not put volunteer commitments and my employer's expectations first. I understand this is inverted, and yet I think that it is a natural tendency to want to meet outside set deadlines and let family obligations slide in order to please and meet others expectations.
It can be hard to know where to set the limits. In addition to homeschooling and a part-time job, there are always all the other things that come up. I feel agonizing turmoil and guilt over how to respond to every volunteer project at church I'm approached with or every request a friend makes of me to help them out. With a job that is already taking time away from my family, it becomes that much harder to be able to offer charity to others in the community.
I don't know the answer, but I know it's not an easy one. I also know the answer is not the same for everyone. Some people are gifted with personalities, skills and circumstances that lend themselves to being able to take on outside commitments. Others of us may not have the temperment or the right opportunities to allow us to take on these commitments outside of our family. For some of us taking on these commitments despite our temperment is a necessary cross we've been asked to carry. For some of us taking on commitments outside of our family is a temptation that needs to be resisted. I believe each circumstance needs to be considered in prayer.
God Bless,
Richelle
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teachingmom
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Erica Sanchez wrote:
Leonie ~ this is such a timely post for me. And as far as emotive......I'm in tears as I sit here and type, but not because I'm wondering what it would be like to work outside the home. It's beause I'm a few months away of finally being able to "retire" from being the Youth Minister at our parish. My husband and I have been the youth ministers for 13 years, before we were even married and before kids. The kids kept coming and we kept on 'youth ministering'.
Even though most of the behind the scenes work I can do from home and typically we only leave the kids with a sitter one night each week, I can tell you that I am beyond the breaking point and in the end it has been my kids who have suffered, because how could the retreat or Confirmation or a whole host of other things 'not happen'? |
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Erica,
I am so happy for you and I can completely identify! I too was a parish youth minister/DRE. When my oldest was born, I made a deal with my parish to give up responsibility for the junior high age group and Confirmation and go part time (12-15 hours per week, much of it from home). I only had to be away from home 1 to 2 evenings each week. It really was a wonderful set up. BUT, I always felt like I wasn't doing my job justice. My heart was really at home. I was so glad when I "retired" when my 3rd child was born and I needed to begin homeschooling my oldest for kindergarten. What a relief! Reading your post brought back memories for me.
I think the only paid work that I could see myself enjoying as a homeschooling mom is the sort of writing projects that other moms here have mentioned.
__________________
~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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amiefriedl
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Leonie,
Didn't St. Therese's mother have a thriving lace business? I've not actually read _The Story of a Soul_ yet. It's on my 'someday' list of books.
But I'm pretty sure I heard/read somewhere she did have a lace business and her efforts by all accounts were blessed by God as the business AND family life thrived. Now I don't know what her 'home schooling' situation was, perhaps some of you St. Therese experts out there do, but surely as a mother she was certainly a teacher as well.
This might help you meditate on whether working outside the home is God's will for you. He certainly has blessed some mother's efforts of combining work and family life in the past.
__________________
In Christ the King through Mary our Mother,
Amie
Blessed with an awesome hubby and Mom of ds10, dd7, dd3 and dd 10months.
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Elizabeth
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I've always had a job but I've never really considered the question in the light you have posed it. In the beginning, my husband was a student and I had promised to teach for two years in Virginia in return for a scholarship. I hadn't figured on a baby born at the beginning of year 2. Then, when I could finally come home, we couldn't afford it, so I did day care and some odd editing jobs. Then, I got sick and day care gave way to chemotherapy. After I was well, I took a job as editor of Welcome Home, a magazine for mothers at home. Eventually, the irony of being run ragged by deadlines for a publication encouraging women to keep their hearts at home prevailed and I resigned that job. Since then, I've been careful not to take jobs which require immoveable time commitments. For instance, I cannot say I'll be there every Tuesday at 2. My husband's job and the unpredictability of life with 7 children make that an impossible situation. Last fall, I was asked to consider the DRE position in our parish. I would have loved that job. It totally would not have worked within the parameters of my primary vocation. So...I freelance when I can and I have tutored when an exceptional situation came up (my student joined our family for three years of high school). Everything has had to be considered with knowledge that if I don't do my job at home very well, several lives will suffer.
__________________
Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Natalia
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Leonie wrote:
What are everyone's thoughts about combining mothering with other work - study, writing, business in or outside the home, work outside the home? |
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I think it is such a personal issue. By personal I don't mean private but, pertaining to each individual. I myself have never had a paying job after I got married and had kids. I think homeschooling has been my job. It has been what has given an outlet to my desire to learn and my need to have mental stimulation. I think that is why I love to research and plan curriculum. It is not only benefitial for the dc but it is also fulfilling for me.
The more I homeschool the more I get to know myself. I honestly don't think that I could juggle an outside job with homeschooling. More and more I have discovered that I get too stressed out when I have too many demands on me. I would love to have some kind of extra income but my dc are still young, my oldest is 11 and my youngest, 3. They still tax me physically and I just can't imagine having to do both.
For me it seems that as long as I have a library and plenty of books to keep me going I am fine.
Leonie wrote:
| I have , more often than not, always combined some income producing activity and career activity with my careers of mothering and homeschooling. I find myself torn between wanting the best of both worlds, wanting my boys to see me as a person and role model, a woman with choices, wanting to prepare for my dh's probable early retirement and for the future empty nest syndrome. |
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I sometimes think about how my kids think of me and my decision to stay home. I remember their surprise when they found out that I have gone to college. My dd (11) talks frequently of having a mother that is a psychologist. I think it is hard for her to picture that I can do things besides being at home. At the same time I think that the fact that the majority of their friends have moms that stay home makes it look normal to them.
Leonie wrote:
| How do you feel about balancing these roles? |
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I don't think it is impossible to do. it seems to me that we need to have a good knowledge of ourselves and our limits. I know that for me there have been times in my life that I have felt constrained by motherhood and my children. I have felt that I have talents that I wasn't using. It might be true but I keep thinking of the fact that there are seasons in our lives and that the time will come for me to use those talents if the Lord so will. I am also think that it is my duty to develop myself as a person. I believe that self abnegation, meaning the complete obliteration of my own self, the negation of who I am, doesn't help my mothering.
I guess I am being kind of ambivalent. I guess what I am trying to say is that balancing those roles are not impossible but that I need to know my limits. I need to know how far I can go. It might be that at my present season I need to develop myself only in areas that are compatible with my children's upbringing.
It seems to be that the fact that we, mothers, struggle with this is part of the struggle between self and others. Who do we yield to? Is the Christian thing to do deny self always in favor of others? Is that what Jesus meant? He said to love our neighbor as ourselves. The statement implies love of self. Is tending to our needs (emotional, intellectual) selfish? Is denying ourselves always the loving thing to do?
As you can tell I have more questions that answers. I also think that awareness of our desires to use our talents, to have an effect in the world beyond the boundaries of our families is a good thing. Awareness helps us to take a honest look at ourselves and then consciously setting our needs aside and saying: "later" not because I am forced to but because I want to.
Love,
Natalia
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mumofsix
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Leonie - I am sure it is possible to balance mothering with outside work given determination and favourable circumstances. Most mothers naturally put their children first. It is important, no doubt, to be honest with oneself and recognise when the family is suffering.
When I still assumed that my children would go to school, I looked forward to a return to paid work once the youngest reached full time school age. Apart from anything else, I wanted to be able to buy the best for them educationally in terms of extracurricular activities, extra tutoring where necessary, private schools if necessary, etc. These things are all very expensive in a large family. When I heard the good news about homeschooling my focus changed from earning money to pay others to work with my children to working with them directly myself.
I find myself very jealous of my time with my children, perhaps because I spent the first seven years of my marriage thinking that I would never have any, then another five years thinking that my first son would be my only one, etc. I have NO difficulty whatsoever saying "no" to outside commitments and feel zero guilt about this. If ever I am even slightly pressured by others to do things that do not directly contribute to my children's immediate well being, I feel a wave of righteous anger coming on which serves me nicely.
I am obviously very confident that my role for now is to nurture and educate my children. I find this role fascinating, and both intellectually and emotionally engaging to the extent that I really do not hanker after any other work at present. I am already in full time employment.
I do sympathise with the empty nest thing, however. Just as I could not imagine sitting at home all day alone waiting for my children to return from school, so I could not happily look forward to empty days once my children have left home. I like to be busy, and when the older ones are launched and I only have teenagers left, I can see myself wanting to do more, probably a combination of voluntary work for the Church and writing and/or studying for a further degree. I do not see a conventional full time career in my future as I will always want the flexibility to put my own family first.
There is a wonderful woman in my parish who took early retirement with her husband, and they spend three months per year each year working with the poor in India, then return home to fund raise for their projects and spend time with their grandchildren, to whom they are very close. They are "young" old people, if you see what I mean, very full of life, full of zeal, full of good humour. I would like to be like that when I am old!
As for self-esteem and being a role model, etc. my self-esteem is so secure it is probably a character defect! I don't understand why any homeschooling mother would suffer from a lack of self-esteem. It is a challenging and interesting job, and when I am asked "What do you do?" and I reply "I homeschool my children" I find people are always interested and want to know more. Then again, homeschooling here in the U.K. is relatively unusual.
I think I provide my boys with a valuable role model. Here in England so many husbands force their wives to go out to work and to limit their family size via contraception, violating their wives' maternal instincts. I don't think my boys will do that. My ds 17 asks why we can't have more children ... He doesn't yet know whether he will marry or become a priest, but he knows that if he marries he will have many children.
The reading, writing and researching I do in connection with my homeschooling keeps me intellectually occupied for now! My two youngest are finally sleeping through the night (they achieved this more or less simultaneously despite one being six months and the other being three years!) and at last I can cope with getting up early so I now have an hour to an hour and a half to myself each morning before everyone else gets up: riches indeed! Ds 17 and I are looking into following a course for Parish Catechists together next September. Life is good and each chapter so far has been as good as the last.
Jane.
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guitarnan
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Wow, Leonie, you must be a mind-reader!
I have done the work/mom thing pretty much every way there is to do it...full time work, part time work from home, day care (MORE than full time) in my home, no wage-earning work at all...you name it, I have tried it.
My conclusion is that there is no such thing as a perfect solution, or a perfectly fulfilling life. I learned the difference between "who I truly am" and "what I do for a living" when I gave up a fast-track corporate finance job to follow my Navy husband to Italy, years ago. It's a hard lesson for many Americans; we tend to equate personal worth with our jobs, not with our vocations. (Alexis de Tocqueville commented on this in his famous book!) Now that I can be at home, I really, truly cherish each day with my children. I missed so much when they were young because financial necessity drove me to full time work outside the home.
Now I am trying to figure out how to start a freelance writing career while homeschooling (help, anyone?!), and also trying to figure out how to prepare for the empty nest years that will come in time. We could use any money I can earn (sorry, but Congress pays its own members more than military folks will ever earn!), but I hope we can squeak by for a while longer on just one full-time income. College for our ds is only 5 years away...
It's important for all of us to affirm the contribution that stay-at-home parents make to society and to the Kingdom of God. I try to do this on our military base; so many spouses think they are worthless because they can't bring home a paycheck here (no good jobs within a 45-minute driving radius) and they are really giving so much to their families and to our nation's future...one of my little missions here, you might say.
Having said that, it is also important to avoid judging anyone else; having a roof over one's head and food on the table may mean two jobs (or more) for two working parents...and I've been there.
Another worry I have is the high cost of Catholic schools...we're pretty much committed to homeschooling for the long haul, regardless, but there really isn't an affordable Catholic alternative anyway (Catholic schools in Maryland, where we will probably go next, are almost $5K per year now for elementary school and almost twice that for high school...on a naval officer's salary that is practically impossible unless I work full time.). Many families feel driven to the two-income model to provide Catholic educations for their children. I feel blessed not only to be at home but to be my children's teacher as well.
I've wanted to write part-time for many, many years. Recently I had a mid-life crisis/revelation (you pick!) and decided that I needed to stop dreaming and start writing. I was inspired by a friend who has advanced West Nile with complications, and he took a job loss/headaches/disability/cognitive function loss and turned it into his first novel. I hope I can maintain my energy level (nore help, anyone?!) as I write queries and articles and then wait for publishers to accept or reject them. I feel good about trying, though, because I know that I can write, teach and stay home...and staying home with my children is such a blessing for all of us that I know it has to be God's plan for my family.
I am glad I am not the only one to struggle with these concerns...you have all helped me immensely with your posts! Thank you so, so much...
__________________
Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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momwise
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amiefriedl wrote:
Leonie,
Didn't St. Therese's mother have a thriving lace business? |
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She was a lace maker. Bl. Gianna Molla was a pediatrician. I believe she only worked one weekend a month after her children arrived.
__________________
Gwen...wife for 30 years, mom of 7, grandma of 3.....
"If you want equal justice for all and true freedom and lasting peace, then America, defend life." JPII
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Leonie
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Thank you all for your heartfelt replies.
My working at some stages of my married life has been to make ends meet. At other stages ( now included) it is to pay for extras - I understand the comment about military salaries as my dh is in the Air Force. 
I am not working now, apart from some writing, because we have just moved interstate.
My youngest is 9 - I haven't had a live baby since his birth ( I was 35). I have had several miscarriages in the interim. It is this that makes me think of the empty nest syndrome - with only homeschooling four, now that the older ones are graduates, I feel I have so much more time that I did with babies and toddlers. While I would love more children, the last 9/10 years have shown me that God has other plans.
Adoptipon is not an option because of health issues.
I have also always wanted to do more study and so that is something I am considering next semester. I see this as being a role model for my dc.
I am learning all the time as a homeschooling mother but , having homeschooled 18 years, I also know that the challenge is less than it was in the earlier years.
I love homeschooling and being at home - a keeper of home.
I also love the extra stimulation of outside things. I also like the money - my dh , for a number of private reasons, may be forced to take early retirement in the next 10 years and so I am aware of the need to keep my skills up to date so we can have income at that time.
I guess I am ambivalent. My dh feels the same.
I am praying for discernment.
Why is this an issue now? Perhaps because of my move and thus not working right now?
Leonie the ambivalent in Sydney!
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Other work in addition to mothering?
