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Michaela
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| Posted: Nov 21 2005 at 12:09pm | IP Logged
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DH just got a promotion and with it comes the swing shift. My RCIA class is held on Monday night and because DH won't be available I need my mom to watch my children for 1 1/2 hours. The problem is that she has a man friend (they tell everyone fiance', but she says she's not getting married.) I'm a little uncomfortable leaving my kids at her place in case he shows up. I'm a victim of sexual abuse and trust very little when it comes to people being alone with my kids.
I can't just tell my mom not to allow him over during that time. I don't want to drop RCIA because this is something I want to do.
Do I have the good touch - bad touch conversation w/ my kids just in case? He's never given me a reason to think something would happen, besides something I can't pinpoint, but that doesn't mean I totally trust him. (It's honestly not just him -- I'd probably feel the same way with anyone else. He just is a little closer to my kids because he hugs them....so....
What would you do? What do you think?
RCIA is tonight and I know this is gonna bug me until I pick them up after class and all is well.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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Michaela
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| Posted: Nov 21 2005 at 12:13pm | IP Logged
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OK, I'm reading my own post and kinda sad thinking about having to have a good/bad touch conversation because I'm putting them in a situation that I'm not comfortable with. UGH! He's done nothing to them, but........
I have to cover them with prayers when I drop them off.
I just don't know. I'm thinking about this too much.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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JennGM
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| Posted: Nov 21 2005 at 12:14pm | IP Logged
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Do you have to do RCIA? My first reaction would be cancel that. Your children's safety is first. I wouldn't take the risk. Even giving the "talk" to your children, an adult can do things because they are bigger and older. Even if your fear is totally unfounded, better safe than sorry. If you've been a victim, you know how long the effects are on you....think how you will feel if it happens to your child.
AND, I think if you have the fear, your guardian angel is warning you to protect your child. Listen to your angel and motherly instinct!
It's always a risk for another male who is not immediate blood relative for abuse. I know even blood relatives do it, but the rates are higher for boyfriends, stepfathers, etc.
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Jennifer G. Miller
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Michaela
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| Posted: Nov 21 2005 at 12:23pm | IP Logged
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That's the battle I'm having with myself, Jenn.
Is it my Guardian Angel warning me or is the evil one trying to stop me from being in full communion with the church?!
I have two thoughts.....call my mom and casually find out if he will be at his job tonight. or just skip class tonight giving me more time to figure this out.
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Michaela
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JennGM
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| Posted: Nov 21 2005 at 12:27pm | IP Logged
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I hastily replied, thinking you were TEACHING RCIA. Sorry about that. I would miss this one time unless you can be sure he won't be around. Call your mother.
Then I would call who is in charge of the RCIA and/or your pastor. Confide in him this problem. They won't block you from the Church, but should find ways to help you.
The devil does like to put road blocks...so I know what you mean.
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Jennifer G. Miller
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Elizabeth
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The conversation is one you have to have, regardless of whether you leave them. The statistics on abuse when the parents are present (but in another room as so often happens on holidays) are astounding. If your instinct is that this man might not be safe, you absolutely need to talk with your kids. Unfortunately, the bad thing about the talk is that it doesn't always prevent the first time. A child can know what is inappropriate and know that he should tell you, but very rarely can he stop an adult from taking advantage the first time. The talk is to prevent it from ever happening again. Safe environments prevent the first time. If your gut is that your mother's house without you is not entirely safe, don't leave them there. I've never left my children with my mother (for other reasons). Let's think outside this box: is there any place else you can leave them? Perhaps there is a confirmation candidate from church who needs service hours and can be trusted to babysit?
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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MaryM
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Michaela,
My prayers are with you in making a decision for tonight. If he is working tonight that would be great. Like it was mentioned, if you have to miss this week while you figure this all out that will give you more time.
Some thoughts:
-talk to the RCIA director or parish priest like Jenn mentioned. The program at our parish and a previous one do provide child care if needed. If your parish doesn't currently do it maybe they could incorporate that. It's a really helpful service/ministry. One option is to have teens/confirmation students who need service hours do the childcare.
-You could also check and see if there are such teens in the church (needing service hours) who could sit for your kids in your home.
-Would your mom be willing to come to your house to watch the kids - making it sound easier for bed-times, etc. Figuring (hoping) he wouldn't come to your house the same as stopping by your mom's.
Good luck.
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Martha
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Well I agree you can't say to someone that they can't have visitors in their home because the kids are there.
If you feel uncomfortable with it, and I would regardless of sexual abuse history, then I wouldn't leave my kids with her alone.
Maybe you could find another RCIA class at a better time for you at one of the other parishes? I did this for some time due to schedule conflicts and don't feel it hurt my entry into the church at all.
If I just couldn't switch RCIA classes or find a more comfortable sitter - then I'd explain the situation to your priest and see if he can help out. You never know what wonders can happen there...
Are you part of a catholic hs group? I know ours would be very helpfull to a fellow member in your shoes, if asked for help.
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Martha
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Sarah
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I wouldn't leave my children with a man I didn't know. Period. I would explain to the priest that I couldn't make it until I found a better babysitting option. See if you can find a decent teenage girl to fill in instead. Your mom is asking a lot of you by bringing the "friend."
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Sarah
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I forgot to say that I wouldn't go into great detail in your talk with your children so as to ruin their innocence. Be sure to ask the Blessed Mother for help in knowing what to tell your children before you open your mouth.
I also think you should follow your radar on people. Better safe than sorry.
At our church, we can have private instruction with our priest to become Catholic. Just because you can't make an RCIA class doesn't mean that you can't be Catholic, especially if you are following your vocation in missing the class. You may have seek out another option for instruction.
Maybe there is an extra room there where you can bring them with a teenager to play there with you. I've done that before. That way you can pop in and see them.
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Erin
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Michaela,
My heart goes out to you. Been in this situation, I would advise at some time to give them 'the talk' however. For this occasion trust you instincts, you don't sound as you are comfortable so don't send them to your mum's. The other ladies have made some terrific suggestions one of them may work.
Alternatively could the RCIA come to your house if it is a small group?
Praying for you
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Erin
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Michaela
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| Posted: Nov 22 2005 at 9:56pm | IP Logged
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Thank you, ladies, for helping me think this through. I could have said or done something impulsive that I may have regretted.
I took my children over to my mom's on Monday after I found out no one was supposed to visit. I plan to ask my 16yo neice if she would be able to watch them while I attend class. It will be a bit of a drive to pick her up and take her back home, but they love her and I trust her. The perk is that I *can* tell her not to have anyone in my home...where I wouldn't do that to my mom even if she watched them here.
Elizabeth, you're right it is a conversation that I have to have. I just felt so down about doing it just because he might be there. I knew that if it had to be done in case of a certain person, then I shouldn't put them in that situation.
Sarah, you're right that I need to seek guidance from our Blessed Mother. I've been on my knees so much praying lately I don't understand why I didn't think to pray before talking to them about this! 
I've never left my children with anyone other than DH so this is new territory.
Thank you so much ladies.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: I need advice
