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Genevieve
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I know my husband is the head of the family but I feel that at times I don't treat him as such. I'm not quite sure where to start on this. My mother was the "head" and I am a convert into the Christian/Catholic faith. How do you treat your husband to show that you recognize him as the head? Specific examples anyone? What is your frame of mind?
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Erin
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Genevieve,
What an interesting question, I've struggled for answers in this area myself. First off I need to say that when I first started tackling this issue most of the books I read are written by Protestants. This influenced my thinking more than I realised. After time I realised these interpretations just didn't sit right with me. I'm a cradle Catholic and I intuitivly knew that the Protestant outlook was not Catholic teaching. So what is Catholic teaching, well I'm not good at pointing you to read encyclicals etc. What I did realise was submitting to my husband did not entail blind obedience.
Perhaps some examples would help. My husband put it like this he is like the general manager and therefore can delegate certain aspects, for example he really did not need to be in on a decision on what style of shoes I bought for the children. Details like this I should handle without bothering him. (I know some families who do not see it like this)
However more serious things we would discuss together and come to a decision after both hearing the others viewpoint. Funnily enough I do usually find when I demand to do it 'my way' and not his, my way was not the better way.
So has he ever pulled rank? Probably 3 times in 12 years and these were spiritual headship issues, for example one time when we debated which parish to attend, quite frankly I was confused anyway and I believe it really was God who made him so decisive that time (this is a guy who procrastinates)
So what is the Catholic position? It really isn't blind obedience alot of Catholicism is a practical commonsense approach. There are certain times when he can 'pull rank' but not over everything.
You say that you don't feel as if you treat him as the head at times. Are these major issues you are refering to or smaller things?
I don't know if I've been of help. It is a puzzle I know I agonised over this one.
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kingvozzo
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Genevieve,
I think that this is an issue that many modern women struggle with. A good starting point is reading some of the wonderful encyclical of JPII, particularyl Familiaris Consortio (The Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World), and Mulieris Dignatatem (On the Dignity and Vocation of Women). Both of these address modern families. I was able to study these documents when I participated in Familia (an apostolate of Regnum Christi). I don't know if you have this group where you are in Chicago, but I found it wonderfully helpful in terms of helping me understand what it means to be a wife and mother and to help my family grow in the faith.
( Disclaimer  --I'm not in Regnum Christi)
I agree with Erin that our husbands being the heads of our families does NOT mean blind obedience. There are times when my husband and I just plain disagree on how something should be handled, and I think these are good opportunities for me to "submit" or defer to him. Although my husband hates the word "defer."
A concrete example? When we were choosing godparents for my now 4 y/o dd. My husband felt strongly that he wanted to have his brother as godfather. I disagreed, because his brother was in the process (but had not yet) of marrying outside the church. My dh felt that being godfather would be a strong pull to help bring his brother back to the Church, I diagreed, feeling that that was NOT the role of a godparent. After a lot of prayer and counsel, I realized that it was OK to let him make this decision. I think that it pleases God when we do submit ourselves, and I think that it opens us up to graces. I can feel comfortable knowing I let him know my feelings, and the decision was his. I let him make the decision, and I let it go.
I don't know if this is helpful or not. I think the plain fact is, that someone has to have the final decision, veto power, tiebreaker, or whatever you want to call it.
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Bridget
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This is such a beautiful part of God's design and goes much deeper than submitting and saying “Yes, dear”. Our culture has obliterated the fact that our role as women is different but not lesser, than a man's role. For many years I was lost on how to live out my vocation. I can share some of what I have learned and am still learning.
I learned that it is so important for my heart to be in the right place. I need to really see my dh as the man God has given me as my leader. I need to adapt myself to his goals and hopes. I need to honor him for what he does and for what his specific talents are. And I need to do this with joy, gratitude and enthusiasm.
In practical terms, I pray often throughout the day for him. Sometimes I ask him what he would like me to pray for. Naturally, St. Joseph is the man to ask for his intercession. I strive to cheerfully do the things he asks me to do. I try to have the house reasonably picked up when he gets home. I try to have the kids reasonably clean and occupied so it's peaceful when he gets home. I try to make it a habit to turn my attention to him each time he walks in a room. These little things seem to mean so much to him.
The readings from this past Sunday are so appropriate to this subject. The Proverbs woman brings honor to her husband. The Gospel reading from Matthew teaches us to be faithful in the small things. Everyday life is made up of the small things.
My husband is a good man, he works hard for us and is so good to me. I try to let him know how much I appreciate these things and admire him for them.
One of my favorite church documents is Casti Cannubii On Christian Marriage. I find it really beautiful, affirming and thought provoking.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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kingvozzo
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Beautifully said, Bridget!
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tovlo4801
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A study of Theology of the Body is so pertinent to this question. I'm studying TOB through the book Sex and the Sacred City from Bridgroom Press with other couples from our parish right now and we just discussed this a bit on Friday.
I am so inadequate to explain our discussion, but I'm going to attempt a brief summary. The relationship is about origin not domination. To honor our husband is to give recognition to the reality of our relationship. In creation, the man is the origin of the woman. There is a correlation between a marriage and the relationship of the three persons of the trinity. There is a relationship of origin there, but there is no domination. Our marriages are a symbol of so much more.
Also, reading Ephesians 5: 21-31 can add perspective. Not just looking at what wives and husbands are commanded, but also really meditating on the comparisons to the relationship between Jesus and his Church. My dh always points out that the husbands might just have the tougher job. 
I'm only beginning to really understand marriage. I'm also a convert and for most of my life I've had very secular ideas of marriage underpin my philosophy. They are difficult to shed, particularly surrounded by them every day. Immersion in Theology of the Body has helped me so much. I can't recommend it highly enough for gaining a proper perspective of what marriage is and also for a better perspective of what our relationship with God should look like. It's so beautiful!
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kingvozzo
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tovlo4801 wrote:
| My dh always points out that the husbands might just have the tougher job. |
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Yes, I do believe this to be true, ultimately.
I haven't yet read Theology of the Body, but I would definitely like to.
Maybe dh and I can do it together....
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Noreen
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Rachel May
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My brother just sent me his homily on the Proverbs 31 woman, and he talked about this subject eloquently and with humor. I don't want to butcher it by trying to paraphrase, but if you are intersted PM me your email, and I'll send it. It's too long to post.
He starts by saying that he's grateful he's not married.... 
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Cay Gibson
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I received the Nov.-Dec. issue of CCL's Family Foundations in the mail today.
On the cover is JPII with the words JPII ~ His Legacy and the Future of CCL.
The subtitle before the article by Tom Bengtson reads, "The beloved pope left couples an invaluable marriage guide in Theology of the Body."
A sidebar to the article reads, "History suggests Holy Spirit brought us a message through Pope JPII."
Thought I'd mention incase anyone wants to check into it.
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Cay Gibson
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Genevieve,
Speaking of CCL, I meant to mention to you that their bi-monthly magazine (link above) helped me so much in showing me how to place my dh as head, and put my family above all else when I was a new wife and new mom.
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Cay Gibson
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Marybeth
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They have a Theology of the Body 10 CD audio set for $3.90 on giftfoundation.org. I don't have the time to get the link up properly (sorry!). We have the old cassette tapes which Dh loved and learned so much from while listening. We have given the cds to many people whom all report back saying they are excellent.
Warning....they can't be listened to with little ears around...too much information for youngsters...
Marybeth
PS The cds are Christopher West speaking!
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Rachel May
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I'm going to add this link: Theology of the Body
My husband and I were looking for a study lately, and our friends recommended Theology of the Body also. My husband prefers DVD or book and I don't care as much, but I sometimes find it hard to have the time to listen to a CD by myself.  This site has quite a few options as to format as well as some that are designed with study guides. Some are for couples, some for men etc.
Kevin is also very good about answering emails so if you are overwhelmed with the options (as I was) don't be shy about asking!
If you are technologically inclined, you can put the CDs on your IPod and listen while vacuuming. This was recommended at my book group the other day.
Peace,
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Elizabeth
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I have some concerns about recommending Christopher West's materials without caveats. Some people are offended by his tone, which can be flippant and a bit crass. Perhaps he is striving to "meet people where they are" by invoking popular phrases or sexual humour, but some faithful married couples might find him demeaning.
It's important to remember that the marriage act is a sacred act. Its place in a marriage can be studied with reverence and awe. I think we can reach people and understand God's beautiful plan for marriage without reducing the discussion to locker room humour.
Also, Genevieve question was about authority and submission. I hate to see the conversation veer entirely towards critiques and recommendations of Christopher West's work.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Genevieve
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I really appreciate everyone's contributions to this topic.
Erin wrote:
You say that you don't feel as if you treat him as the head at times. Are these major issues you are refering to or smaller things?
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Actually no particular issue. I was more concern with my frame of mind. I feel God calling me into a paradigm shift within my heart towards a man He chose to be my husband. It is simply a stage of life I am in. At the same time, small things add up. Small things are also a reflection of how I would treat bigger issues.
Bridget, thank you for reminding me the importance of seemingly little things I can do to honor and respect my husband.
The Catholic Church teaches that my husband is the head of my family but how that translates is a difficult process for me. I have brought over practises from my culture that shows the world that he is the leader of this pack. However, these are only rituals to remind me. How about my heart? For example, it is relatively easy for me to follow our Pope. A gift of faith is the only answer I have at times. Or some would call it blind. But what about my husband? I agree he isn't infalliable yet God said that I am to listen to him and trust him. It is a matter of a fine line for balance? What does it mean to be the "head"? If this was a company and he was the president would I act the way I do with regards to projects he delegates to me? If the company president brainstorms with me, would I act differently? I think of wolf packs and how they trust leaders. They have to. It's a matter of survival. There is also a side note that they get replaced when they get too old but I think you ladies get the gist.
Reflecting out loud and a little stumped....
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Willa
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I'm by no means arrived in the area of submission. I have trouble discerning when to simply obey and when to express my point of view to my DH.
What I do presently is:
--Try not to disagree with my husband in front of the children, in areas that are to do with his headship or our marriage relationship -- ie, child-raising, finances, work decisions. I wait for a time to talk about it privately. It's OK to have differences of opinion about more neutral subjects, the kids enjoy hearing us support our case, and it usually doesn't get heated.
-- I pray for him as head of the household and try to think of him that way in my mind.
-- When I'm in disagreement over something I pray before talking to him about it; and if it's a biggie, I fast or otherwise prepare myself, eg by visiting the Blessed Sacrament, and jot down notes on what I am going to say so I can stay focused while I'm talking to him.
-- I try never to complain about him in front of others and especially not in front of the kids. The latter was never a temptation until recently and now I have a harder time with it partly because I have teens who can converse on an adult level and partly because I am a bit hormonal in middle age, I think! I get irritated and frustrated more easily just over little things! But I think it's so important to present a united front and be positive and respectful about a teenager's Dad, especially a teenage boy's.
--I don't consult him about every purchase or decision since he prefers not to micromanage, but I do make sure and ask his input on big purchases or decisions that will affect our family life, like one of the kids joining a seasonal sport, that kind of thing.
-- I TRY to ACT pleasant and happy towards him, and not martyred and/or irritated, especially at the end of the day when I'm usually tired out! If I don't remind myself to smile and be easy to get along with, it's easy to forget since I'm naturally sort of serious and a loner.
I don't approach perfection in any of this but it is helping me to write it out
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Willa
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Angie Mc
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Elizabeth wrote:
| Also, Genevieve question was about authority and submission. . |
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When looking at the issue of authority, it helped Dh and I look at spheres of responsibility. We joke with each other, describing ourselves as the FEO (Family Executive Officer)and FM (Family Manger.) As FEO, he focuses on setting goals and priorities, checking on follow-through, taking initiative, delegating, and showing optimism, support, and encouragment in our family doings. As FM I focus on training, fulfillment of duties/tasks, and other details. These are general guidelines that help us not to trip over each other and to keep us alert to what needs to be done in the family. Because he is such a SMART FEO and he respects my work, we are in close consultation. He is decidedly not a micromanager, thank God.
I think the authority/spheres of responsibility is the easy stuff compared with the heart of the matter. When we look at issues of submission, we shift to a mutual suffering servant model. It really is a love thing. The more I love him, the more I sacrifice, the more he loves me, the more he sacrifices...God willing we'll grow old together so that we can grow in this mystery. After 17 ys of marriage, I feel like wee are we babes in this learning process.
It has been awhile, but I enjoyed reading Kimberly Hahn's Life-Giving Love.
Love,
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Angie Mc
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Oops...practical stuff:
Always welcome dh home with a big smile and welcome and encourage the children to do the same.
Set aside a few minutes for a family meeting upon his arrival home. Dh can lead the family in prayer, ask about the day, and help as needed.
Do my job of FM well. Give him succint feedback (tough for a blabber like me!) and ask for specific help.
If I feel that he is off-track with his responsibilities, ask how I can help him...and mean it.
Thank him for all he does for the family.
Hold the fort down while he is away and let him feel confident in our ability to do well, especially when he is out of town for extended periods of time.
Avoid calling him when I'm upset and he's at work! (I call my mother, friends, etc.) Most problems can wait until he comes home.
Make his favorite meal.
I learned all of this the hard way, I'm embarrassed to say  .
Thanks for all the lovely feedback on this topic!
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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tovlo4801
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Elizabeth wrote:
I have some concerns about recommending Christopher West's materials without caveats. Some people are offended by his tone, which can be flippant and a bit crass. Perhaps he is striving to "meet people where they are" by invoking popular phrases or sexual humour, but some faithful married couples might find him demeaning.
It's important to remember that the marriage act is a sacred act. Its place in a marriage can be studied with reverence and awe. I think we can reach people and understand God's beautiful plan for marriage without reducing the discussion to locker room humour.
Also, Genevieve question was about authority and submission. I hate to see the conversation veer entirely towards critiques and recommendations of Christopher West's work. |
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I don't want Genevieve's question derailed either. It is a good one and I'm learning from the responses. I just had to jump in and make sure some things were clear about TOB and then I'll be quiet on the matter.
I understand that some people find Christopher West offensive. Some don't. I mentioned the Sex and the Sacred City above written by Steve Kellmeyer. It is a book of beautiful and deeply theological meditations on TOB. I know there are other materials out there not by Christopher West.
I seem to run into two misconceptions about Theology of the Body. Probably none of you fall into this, but just in case, I want to make sure it's clear.
First, Christopher West does not own Theology of the Body. He has studied it and speaks on it and is tremendously effective in reaching people, but openly acknowledges that his style is not for everyone. If you find him offensive, he urges people to seek out some of his contemporaries who are also studying TOB. The Theology of the Body is a series of Wednesday audiences that Pope John Paul II gave over many years. Ultimately it is thoughts on the whole of the gospel and belongs to no one but God and is given to us as a gift to understand our relationships with other more deeply.
This leads me into the second misconception. Many people seem to think Theology of the Body is primarily about the marital act. I don't believe that's true. I believe it is about creation and the love of God that motivated creation. Obviously for us marriage and the marital act is a vehicle for creation, but I don't believe that is the essence of Theology of the Body. It is deeply theological. My understanding of my relationship with God has been enhanced exponentially along with a deeper understanding of my relationship with my husband. Actually my relationship with all the rest of creation has changed dramatically. The further I get into Theology of the Body, the more I understand the two greatest commandments, loving God and loving neighbor. Theology of the Body helps us to understand love in all the forms it takes.
I really do believe that Theology of the Body is pertinent to Genevieve's question, but not in a specifics kind of way. It's relevant in that sometimes when we gain a better understanding of the underlying philosophy of something our struggles with the specifics disappear. That's why I offered it up.
Done. I'll be watching for more specifics because my struggles haven't disappeared yet.
God Bless!
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teachingmom
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I have a quick thought to add to the discussion. Tonight I attended the final night of a 3 part discussion series by my pastor on Holly Pierlot's __A Mother's Rule of Life__. One thing my pastor touched on again and again in all three of the sessions is that our husband should act as a spiritual director for us. By that he meant that God has put husbands in a headship role that gives them the grace to help us discern things, just as a spiritual director does.
I may not explain this as clearly as Father did, but I'll try. He had a problem with how Holly's relationship with her spiritual director worked. From the book, it seems that she was taking orders from her spiritual director without consulting her husband. She seemed to get direction and then feel under obedience (which is not a part of spiritual direction, by the way) to comply with it, regardless of what her husband thought of the matter. It sounded like she took her director's words to be God's direct words, and then reported them to her husband. He seemed to be left with just accepting things.
My pastor pointed out that a spiritual director should act as a sounding board and might give ideas to us, but we should always pray and discern for ourselves before acting on them. If I am married, then my husband should act as spiritual director to me and help with the discernment process, even if I have a priest as my spiritual director.
I have a priest (not the pastor I'm referring to here) whom I see once a month for spiritual direction. But I can consult my husband and get "spiritual direction" from my husband through the grace of the sacrament all month long. Does that make sense?
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Elizabeth
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tovlo4801 wrote:
I seem to run into two misconceptions about Theology of the Body. Probably none of you fall into this, but just in case, I want to make sure it's clear.
First, Christopher West does not own Theology of the Body. He has studied it and speaks on it and is tremendously effective in reaching people, but openly acknowledges that his style is not for everyone. If you find him offensive, he urges people to seek out some of his contemporaries who are also studying TOB. The Theology of the Body is a series of Wednesday audiences that Pope John Paul II gave over many years. Ultimately it is thoughts on the whole of the gospel and belongs to no one but God and is given to us as a gift to understand our relationships with other more deeply.
I really do believe that Theology of the Body is pertinent to Genevieve's question, but not in a specifics kind of way. It's relevant in that sometimes when we gain a better understanding of the underlying philosophy of something our struggles with the specifics disappear. That's why I offered it up.
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I completely agree! One of the great things about John Paul II is that he is so easily understood. For a very good understanding of the entirety of Theology of the Body, we can go straight to the source. We can read the Holy Father himself and better understand the entirety of marriage and human creation. Theology of the Body by John Paul II
I was not discounting the importance of understanding theology of the body--of our human creation--in understanding how being created as a woman is germane to knowing how to relate to our husbands. I'm not even discounting Christopher West. I just wanted to warn that he can be detrimental if one finds his humour offensive. I know wives who have brought their husbands to Mr. West's talks (both in person and on CD), only to have Mr. West's style do more harm than good in bringing the Pope's message to light.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Treating dh as head of family
