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Connections
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Do you ever get tired of being different? Pretending to fit in, but not really seeing eye to eye?
I was as a Baptismal party yesterday. We were the only HSing family there. (Different.) I am the only mom who gave up a career to stay at home- most moms are still working. (Different.) They can afford vacations and large homes. (Different.) We are all Catholic (Same.) We have recently reverted and also decided to be open to life. Several comments about "don't have another one" (to the parents of two babies, not said to us) and "don't they know how to use birth control" were made. (Different.)
This is only one situation. Having recently reverted we have not yet met other Catholic HSing families. Hoping to do that this year through participation in the parish. Loved Alice's book a Haystack Full of Needles. Wanting to move there!
This board provides so much support but I would really like to spend time with people IRL and not always feel this way. I say different. Maybe it's more than that.
Some of the people at the party are dear friends that I cherish. I don't want us all to be clones of one another. It's not that I want any of these people to change. It's just so much WORK to find common ground and for some reason the feeling of being different negatively effects me afterwards. It makes me feel down.
Can anyone relate?
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Blessings,
Tracey
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mom2mpr
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Yes. I can relate. With ds playing soccer and baseball now on teams with a lot of PS kids, I am struggling. We meet nice people but.....
I get down too.
Anne
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JodieLyn
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yes, it's not that it's not enjoyable or fun being around people but that it's so superficial.
I can be myself around my sister.. but yeah.. mostly the people we're around you have to be "perfect".. not because you are but because if you're not they'll want to blame everything from how many kids you have to homeschooling to Church to.. whatever.
But there are people out there.. so don't give up hope. There's a few slightly older couples at Church who I can be a bit less perfect around. And there's a couple of younger couples that are so encouraging because they think our large family is wonderful. So you will likely find them but it can be a slow process.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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amyable
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Oh Tracey, can I just give you the biggest hug right now?? I feel this way every. single. day. I hope this doesn't sound morbid but I long for the day that all of us are in heaven together being THE SAME!  Well, you know, not exactly the same, but you know what I mean. 
I think you are right, it's more than being different - it's that so many people take all you hold dear and mock it (i.e. the "don't have another" comment, etc). It's downright heartbreaking, especially when you know it is also breaking our Lord's heart (at least the snide comments and the like)
Anyway, my heart goes out to you. I hope you can find a few likeminded people. Even just a few can be SO helpful!
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Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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LisaR
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hang in there, the exciting thing is that perhaps one day a few of the ones who seem different from you will have reversions too!!
we had a family in our parish who was very vocal that their third child was an "oops", homeschooling was crazy, etc etc.
however, our kids were similar ages and we would run into them through scouts, sports, etc.
fast forward to 3 (short!! ) years later, and this family learned NFP, had their marriage convalidated in the Church , HAD TWO MORE KIDS, AND NOW (drumroll!!!) HOMESCHOOL!!
so you never know God's timing!!
Praying that you find some IRL support in hte meantime, but don't hesitate to be the salt and light where you are.
sometimes people make stupid/negative comments because deep down, they feel uncomfortable or convicted...
it could be the start of a big change of life for them!!
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
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Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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folklaur
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Oh, yes, I find it exhausting. Sometimes I get to the point of tears - and it takes a lot to get me there. I just said to my dh recently,
"I don't fit anywhere!"
I am "too Catholic" for many secular situations, and not Catholic enough in others(in Catholic homeschool groups, and even here too, a lot of the time.) 
I just feel like I don't fit anywhere.
not a fun feeling.
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KerryK
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Yes, I'm having this issue right now. It's exhausting for me. We don't have any other homeschoolers in our parish at all. (our parish is pretty small, and we live in a rural area). The public school people are all offended by me although I never say anything bad about school. I just want to do what I think is right...I'm not trying to convert anyone to my way of thinking, but somehow just being around me makes people guilty or defensive. Like I said, exhausting. I need a homeschool support group so badly!
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Kerry
Mom to
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Mary (6)
New baby Samuel 2/26/07!
and 9 angels in heaven
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Lisbet
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I am surrounded by wonderful Catholic homeschooling friends, most of us very much on the same page over many issues, but, I oftentimes still feel like and oddball. Our wonderful community is not at all parish based, nor are we all in close vicinity. Most of the time I feel very isolated, and then because we are in the middle of the city, I feel very much 'on display' because our family is so 'different'. It is exhausting and lonely sometimes. I often pine for the days of the community being centered around the parish, and the kids could all play together while the moms shared a cup of coffee and conversation over the fence.
I am the only adult home on our street from about 8-2,(save the mailman, meter reader, police patrol, and door-to-door-solicitor.) and when they all come home from work/school, we have NOTHING in common, and like someone else said, the ps and local parish moms get all offended by my very presence.
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Mama to:
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RamFam
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amyable wrote:
| I think you are right, it's more than being different - it's that so many people take all you hold dear and mock it (i.e. the "don't have another" comment, etc). It's downright heartbreaking, especially when you know it is also breaking our Lord's heart (at least the snide comments and the like) |
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And you wonder how much these comments hurt their children.
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Leah
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Tom ^i^, Kyle (my Marine), Adeline '00, Wyatt '05, Isaac '07 Philip '08,Michael '10, and John Xavier Feb '13
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RamFam
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Yeah, me, too! That's why I spend so much time here. So I can be myself.
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Leah
RamFaminNOVA
Tom ^i^, Kyle (my Marine), Adeline '00, Wyatt '05, Isaac '07 Philip '08,Michael '10, and John Xavier Feb '13
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stefoodie
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 , Tracey. I know how you feel because I've been there. Although I don't feel that way very often anymore (this forum helps! and a few local people we've found), I still feel from time to time that I don't fit anywhere, except my own family. (I wonder, maybe THAT'S the way it's really SUPPOSED to be... something to think about)
I'm too American for my Filipino friends, too Filipino for my American friends, too Catholic for my non-Catholic friends, sometimes not Catholic enough for my Catholic friends, and on and on....
But I'm sure you do know God loves you just the way you are 
I agree with what Lisa said about God's timing... you just never know... some things have happened in our lives that we just know are due to God's perfect timing. Just keep praying. We'll pray for you too.
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stef
mom to five
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lapazfarm
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I was just talking to dh about this last night!
I have never fit in anywhere. Amongst public school folks I am too Catholic, amongst Catholics I am too secular,even amongst homeschoolers I am, well...just different from the rest. Even on this board I often feel I am the oddball.
I have found a few like-minded moms through the internet, but they all live far, far away.
It's not like I am picky about friends. Heck, I'm friendly to everyone. But just once I'd like to be in a group of women and not have to guard my speech in one way or another, or constantly have to be explaining or defending my choices.
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
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ahappyheart
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Yes, yes ! I do feel this way, sometimes. We do not have any Catholic friends or homeschooling friends we meet with regularly. For me the feeling passes as I get caught up in our family and schooling. I think I do not try to find like minded people because I am busy with the family and school. I'll be praying you find peace soon.
Susan Marie
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Servant2theKing
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I feel the same way quite often and have found that it can be helpful to contemplate the lives of the Holy Family and many saints, who were very different from those around them. In time the feelings of being different can softly change to a sense of gratitude for the very qualities that make us "different". Being countercultural in an anti-Christian world can be lonely, but it helps to remember that oneday we hope to enjoy the company of God and His angels and saints in Heaven, where all will be of one accord!
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All for Christ, our Saviour and King, servant
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Willa
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It can be uncomfortable sometimes, but in general I have come to like being different. After all, I could easily change and make it my goal to imitate my surroundings, but what I would lose in the process! Most of my greatest treasures are in my "different" areas -- my 7 children, our way of life, my Faith, even my odd temperament.
As you say, it's hardest when you're trying to be part of something where your differentness shows up. I do read a lot of saints saying that detachment from social things is necessary to holiness, though, so I try to use my tears to water that interior soil. Not saying I succeed all the time, but that this seems to be the most fruitful way for me to deal with it.
Something I am reminding myself to try more often is to reach out a bit to others who might feel the same way.... left out and "different". I used to do this more consciously but recently have gotten more complacent -- which is the down side of being more content with what I have and am.
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AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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LisaR
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Willa wrote:
Something I am reminding myself to try more often is to reach out a bit to others who might feel the same way.... left out and "different". I used to do this more consciously but recently have gotten more complacent -- which is the down side of being more content with what I have and am.
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this is good to remember, and I've also come to know school families who feel "different", and some of the families with "only" two kids are not by choice...
__________________
Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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Waverley
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Thanks for starting this great thread.
One thing that I too find distressing is the "not Catholic enough" phenomenon. Sometimes when I'm at a gathering and begin to feel this way I try to take a moment to decide if "they" are making me feel "not Catholic enough" or if "I" am making myself feel "less Catholic." This is not to say you're dong this. But for me, sometimes it's not what others are saying its what I'm hearing. Many times they are not judging me but simply discussing how they practice their Faith in their home. (Of course, sometimes they are being a little judgmental) Often after a moment of reflection, I'm able to give myself a talking to and rejoin the event with a more open heart. With this open heart, I can learn from them ways to enrich my life and my family's life - the same way I read these boards - not to compare myself to the ladies here but to learn from them.
Hope this helps. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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folklaur
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...shyly, worriedly stepping out to say this...
some of the "not Catholic enough" feelings are definitely self-imposed on me.
but....for instance, a common thing I hear from other, well-meaning Catholic moms, if I am having any sort of issues - family, parenting, spiritual or otherwise, is to be sure that I am praying the Rosary.
I have never felt a particular devotion to the Rosary. If I am honest, I would say I rather dislike saying it, I find it tedious and hard to focus while doing so. I find it DOES become just "repetitive prayer" for me. I have said it, and have tried on occasion to keep doing so because I feel like I should. And it does seem others feel I should too, since it is always, always suggested.
I know I can go my whole life and never say the Rosary and still be a good Catholic. But the insinuation is I would be a better one if I said it. Or that I am missing something. Or....
this is just one silly little example. and as I said, yes, I am sure I self-impose much of it...
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ALmom
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I am very sensitive and I do read body language so I often pick up things that are not said and do feel different. But I have learned to be Ok with that for myself - or at least some of the time  . It has been like that all my life so by my old age, I'm kinda used to it, though sometimes I do feel that tinge of lonliness even in the midst of a loving husband who is really wonderful.
I think learning to assume the best in people helps a lot with extra sensitivity. A lot of times what is said is not from any maliciousness or even any judgement. Sometimes we react emotionally because of our own past experience (I was pretty ostracized by teens in church when we moved to the US because I was different and sometimes I react emotionally when the situation is similiar even if the intent and such isn't there because that time and experience was so intensely painful to me. I react the same way with medical professionals due to some really bad experiences. Sometimes this factors into my reactions - and they can be negative or defensive due to my own weakness - and may make it harder for others to know how to include me.
But there are also times when we just don't belong because we are out of step with whatever the world is after.
We all long to belong - it is built into our nature and it is a cross when we hit those times and places in our lives when we don't. I don't understand it, but am comforted by the many, many saints who just never quite belonged on earth either. I wish my not belonging was always due to the degree of my holiness but alas it isn't - still it is comforting to know the company in that category. Now if I can only learn from them to be as joyful in whatever place God sets me - whether I'm misunderstood or admired, loved or hated, welcomed or pushed away.
As a teen I cried every night throughout high school asking for God to send me one good friend - and was very hurt when implications were made that I wasn't reaching out enough (I did and was considerate, inviting, accepting and did try to get involved in things and stretch my own interests). Our society for all its talk of diversity, really wants outward appearances of diversity with worldly values. This is especially obvious in the schools that try to form good citizens of the state and as such, it is often at some of those ages (elementary, middle, teens and college) that the brutality of exclusion is expressed in cruelty, cliques, status seeking and other things. If you are different during these ages, it can be brutal.
For whatever reason known to God alone, I never belonged in my teens and never did have a friend during those years. The pain is real, but it also was a time of intense growth and also looking back a means of protecting me from the silliness and danger of the times. I know one priest said our Lord used the example of sheep for a good reason - we have an immense pull to follow the lead. When peer pressure is especially strong, it is especially hard.
I think I feel the difference so badly because I know that sometimes the difference is a result of standing up for something true even when the whole world is chasing something else, but I also know the tendency to pride. The temptation is immense and rather than see my own weakness, I want to lash out and blame someone else for pulling me off course- or very nearly so. It also makes it hard to discern. If folks that I admire have no problem letting their kids read things that I haven't allowed (or vice versa), it badgers my confidence (even when deep down I know we have chosen the right path for our children)and pulls me into questioning - if only momentarily, my own views. Now, there are plenty of times that sometimes this causes me to go deeper and examine why we have chosen as we have and to cut away aspects of our choice that are less than pure without changing our choice. But this is extra work - and well you know. I can think of at least a couple of posts I followed on these boards that have done that for me. Still I want to find a kindred spirit to affirm me, to reassure me,.. I'm not expressing this very well because it is more than that. It is totally belonging somewhere. I've been known to say - gee I wish I just didn't know, I could innocently barrel on ahead and not agonize over different choices (homebirth or some such) and be in the great majority where if things do go wrong, I'll just be supported and not accused. I'm still fighting the feelings of not belonging at times, but think that for some reason that is part of the plan for me - maybe so I'll try more to belong to God (I'm a very slow learner and maybe I wouldn't find Him any other way, I don't know) and also to protect me from becoming too self-righteous as that is the other side of the same thing. But the desire to belong is built into us - I just think maybe the closer to God, the less we can belong here. I wonder about the saints - St. Benedict and St Charles Borromea took very different paths. So did St. Thomas More and saints like St. Therese of Lisieux. St. Robert Bellarmine was falsely accused and removed as superior from the order he founded and he wasn't cleared until close to death. St. John of the Cross was imprisoned by fellow Christians. Still these very different saints, when they were contemporaries on earth, were able to recognize each other and affirm the beauty - and recognize the common belonging to God. Maybe there is a certain purifying of a lot of our prideful attachments mixed with the good things and ways. I like to think that is part of the goal of this board - to imitate the saints in recognizing goodness and supporting one another - and being able to honestly question and help each other in the search.
Where I struggle the most, is knowing the lonliness and pain, it kills me to watch one of my dd go through this. She has been so hurt by being different and for so long. When you are a teen and young woman, the lonliness in that walk is deep and hard. Maybe because I have a spouse now, the pain isn't so raw. But for my child, it is intense. I also know the pull to just give in and be more like the crowd is very strong. I pray for this child often even as I cry for her. Unlike me, this child is very outgoing and vivacious and thoughtful, kind and fun to be with - but she doesn't really have a good friend in this world
if what you mean by friend is someone with your best interests at heart who really values you and wants to help you in your pilgrimage to God and also shares your interests and you can talk to about anything. She has suffered from the cliquishness in the parish/church situations and noticed that the one place she is least accepted is in her own church. I ache for her. I know she is a wonderful person with a great deal of fortitude and compassion who has been faithful. I know she is a fantastic friend to others. I know she prays regularly and seeks God's strength and guidance. I also sense the intense pull and the suffering and fear for the wearing down (not because she is bad but because she is so good and so alone - but I should trust ), the longing to belong, the sadness. We are not meant to walk alone. Then I try to trust that God will send her help - and worry that other stresses may keep her from recognizing that help. Wasn't it one of the saints that said this life wasn't supposed to be all happiness and the sooner we accept that the sooner we will find peace.
Gee, I wish I had all of your abilities to find stuff, know where a quote is from, link it and name the saint who said it. Oh, well. Better go do my duty and fix dinner.
Janet
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Michaela
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Willa wrote:
| It can be uncomfortable sometimes, but in general I have come to like being different. After all, I could easily change and make it my goal to imitate my surroundings, but what I would lose in the process! Most of my greatest treasures are in my "different" areas |
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Even though it hasn't always been this way, I don't really mind being different nor do I mind when someone else, specifically another Catholic mom, is different.
I did feel very different around nonCatholic Christians in our homeschool group. It's strange to hear them talk about their husbands "getting fixed" or open talk about their contraceptive methods. At every. single. activity moms would break off to talk about similiar subjects that made me stand out as different! Thankfully, I can't participate in that talk, and I'm glad we are different there.
Through those experiences, I found Catholic moms in the group who were also uncomfortable and we've created a Catholic homeschool group. Such beauty! We aren't the same....we have different experiences and knowlege, but I absolutely love it.
I have learned, and some cases, gained confidence from our differences. There is such a beauty in our differences.
Laura, I understand what you're saying about the rosary (I've shared on the forums that I don't have a devotion to Mary that seems necessary to be considered a good Catholic.) I've observed that there are different levels (?) to being Catholic.
We are placed and also place others, whether we like it or not, on some invisible scale.
It was uncomfortable to hear my priest talk about the need to say the rosary, people I look up to for guiding me on this journey.. like Father Corapi, Pope John Paul, women here...putting the rosary and Mary in a place I don't have them. I doubt that I ever will to be honest. That's ok though. It places me lower on the scale  , but I'm comfortable where I am.
Confidence in myself and where I am has helped a lot.
What makes me different are my treasures. (Absolutey beautiful, Willa!  )
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Tired of Being "Different"
