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phplists
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| Posted: Aug 26 2008 at 8:37pm | IP Logged
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Last fall this time, we were going great guns with homeschooling. We did a bunch of wonderful fall work and were in good rhythm. We were working our way through de-cluttering the house, and everything was wonderful. We had a productive and beautiful Advent unit, and a wonderful Christmas season. I was feeling like life had never been so beautiful. Then in January, everything fell apart.
My toddler, Jonathan, age 2 and a half, was diagnosed with leukemia.
The next six months were spent with me almost completely absent from the home, in the hospital with my baby, or else highly preoccupied. My two older sons spent a great deal of time with their grandparents and most of their life was pretty unstructured, and developing habits that wouldn't necessarily be my own preference. School largely fell away, as my toddler went through six months of intense chemotherapy. We did get through some of the schooling I had planned in fits and starts, but routine and rhythm (which are already difficult for me to establish) were just not possible, with emergency visits to the clinic and the ER, unexpected overnight hospitalizations, bad nights on meds, etc. etc. I let a lot of things slide.
My toddler is improving now and doing well. He just finished his six months of intense treatment and now is just on daily low-level maintenance chemo for the next 3 years. I had thought we would take August and maybe September off to just have fun and relax and try to adjust to the new normal after such a scary crisis. I was just starting to turn my mind to planning (which I know everyone else has already been doing all summer but I just couldn't).
And then this week, I found out that my mom, my children's beloved grandmother, who has provided most of their care while I've been preoccupied with my toddler, is herself diagnosed with cancer - probably incurable, possibly terminal in the next 4 - 8 months (pray please that this is not so). Just when I thought we would get our life back, it is possible that we will just spend the fall season going through my mother's dying process. The best case scenario will be that we will support her through chemo and a cancer fight. I feel so depressed that I don't even want to bring out the fall songs my sons learned and enjoyed so much last year - what feels like another lifetime ago.
I feel completely flattened. (And fat. And ugly. And tired. But that's another post....;))
My sons - who have been completely unstructured and in crisis for the past half-year, need me to start getting routines and habits going again. But I feel like I've been through the mill and I feel burned out before I even start. I feel like I want a vacation, but they've essentially HAD one for the past six months!
I want to read and study and plan for the year, but I feel I should be already hitting the ground running with school.
I need something helpful and comforting and inspirational to read. I need something to inspire me to be a strong mom, a "heart of my home" when I am just now starting to come out of crisis mode and am processing some of the fear and grief over my toddler, and now too over my mother.
I need some good ideas about how to heal from what we all just went through (fast!) and how to get back on the wagon. And now how to build routines when really for the foreseeable future, there are going to be off-and-on medical crises to work around - that's just the reality of our life.
The worst part is I have hesitated to ask for support here (or anywhere) because I really feel ashamed to be so whiny, so lazy and paralyzed, so slothful, so needy and so imperfect. I feel like I should be doing a better job than this and not need support from an e-mail forum!
(I am also coping with the allied grief, which some will understand here, and maybe only here, that we had just been hoping to try for one more baby when our toddler was diagnosed with leukemia. We didn't discover the Church or the truth about marriage and sexuality until I was 30 and so we have only been able to have 3 living children - and one we lost one to miscarriage. I am now 41. Our hope for the new year had been to have one more baby - at least - we are entirely open to life, and have been for 10 years now - and instead we have spent the past year begging God on our knees not to take one of our precious few babies away from us and leave us with only two on earth. We would still like to be blessed with more children and are open, but the fear of losing this one toddler, the fact that he is irreplaceable, the ordeal of facing my mother's cancer...it all makes me feel like the dream of having more children is fading farther and farther into the distance. Being in the crisis has made it harder for me to lose weight and lead a healthy lifestyle to help make a later-in-life pregnancy healthier and safer. ANd of course crisis living sometimes makes it harder to achieve a pregnancy at all, even one that is desired, especially at my sub-fertile age. It all seems so impossible. I know that is not the point of my post, but it weighs on my mind. And most people in my family feel that with so much crisis, it would be irresponsible to bring more children in. It is all very discouraging).
I know that the women here on this forum have good ideas about school and life. We use an eclectic combination of Waldorf, Charlotte Mason, classical and Montessori-influenced Catholic homeschooling methods, .
I am just hoping someone can help me find some new inspiration for the coming school year and give me a few good suggestions about how to get back on track. (And if someone could give me thoughtful and faithful counsel on the baby issue, it would be most welcome also. Like I said, it's the least of my worries in a way, but it hides in my mother-heart and weighs on my mind.)
I've gotta do it but the setback of my mom's cancer has just made me feel like crawling back in a hole.
Thanks for any good ideas - on homeschooling during times of crisis, of where to go for inspiration, on how to start over and get going again (I've been homeschooling now for 5 years so you'd think I'd be a little more together but the latest crises seem to have thrown me for a loop.)
Sorry to blurt out this whole scarcely-believable stupid conglomeration of problems. I don't expect anyone to have a hugely great solution. One or two little ideas and few prayers (which have also been requested and received on the prayer forum - THANK YOU) would be a great help.
Pam
http://www.catholicbreastfeeding.org
http://www.catholicmom.com/pilch.htm
Mom to Ben, 10, Daniel, 6 and Jonathan, 3
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mavmama
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| Posted: Aug 26 2008 at 8:49pm | IP Logged
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Pam, What a load you are carrying. I would first say be very gentle with yourself. Secondly, I will pray for you and your family. God bless you.
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Liz
Blessed by 4 wonders
dd11, dd911, ds9, ds8
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Bridget
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| Posted: Aug 26 2008 at 8:52pm | IP Logged
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Pam, you have been in my prayers.
Crises schooling for me is getting the children outside and reading aloud to them every day.
For a ten year old, I would try to keep a regular math program going.
You might pick just one subject to study more intensely and do fun projects with. Just one, like science or history, something you think is fun too. Then you can have the fun of planning without being overwhelmed by the implementation. It can even be done only once a week on a good day.
The rest of their learning is all about family and service in a crises. Not bad lessons to learn at all.
Your family will be blessed and strengthened, through even all these troubles.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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aussieannie
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Pam, God bless you for your witness to life and love through such trials and tribulations. I like what Bridget has said, I would add one small thing, a small book, Catholic Prayer Book for Mothers it really nourishes the soul of a mother, especially when struggling.
I know you will continue to receive beautiful advice through this thread, I will be remembering you in prayer!
__________________
Under Her Starry Mantle
Spiritual Motherhood for Priests
Blessed with 3 boys & 3 girls!
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Mackfam
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| Posted: Aug 26 2008 at 9:45pm | IP Logged
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Pam-
I've been praying for you and your family.
If you have gotten outside your normal prayer routine, make it a priority to get back into it...tomorrow! Morning prayers, Angelus, Mercy chaplet, family Rosary. You must focus and order your days around prayer right now. Make it your top priority. I know you know this, but when I slip into survival mode, I'm ashamed to say I tend more to the practical needs than the supernatural needs and I need someone to say in all charity - get back on those Rosary beads right now!!!!
Next and at the very first available time, get in the shower after your husband is home to watch the kids, and turn on the water and have a good long cry. Pour everything out to our dear Lord. Stay in there 'til the hot water runs out if you have to, but pour it all out.
Now, it's time for a little list making. Sit down and think of some things that you and the children can do together that is gentle and brings joy to all of you. In our house these are nature walks, snuggly reads on the couch, baking cookies, a family movie. Re-connect with your children in ways outside of "just surviving".
School this year should be extremely simple and straightforward. Simple enough that you can accomplish it with your eyes closed because you may have to. Choose tried and true. This is no time for switching to big unknowns. Stop looking at blogs and even here if it leads you to despair the things you are unable to accomplish in your home with your children right now. Be gentle and simple in your choices.
Have you read Elizabeth's chapter on Burnout in Real Learning? Much wisdom there!
Also, recently Sarah wrote a lovely blog post about her experience last year in recovering from Burnout.
Extremely uplifting and grounding advice can be found in one of my favorite all time books - Danielle Bean's Mom to Mom, Day to Day. It's a must read!
The only advice I can give you in your suffering is to start to surrender it. All of it - your mom, your toddler, your desire for a baby - all of it. You are standing at the Foot of the Cross right now, Pam. You are not alone. Our Lady is standing right next to you. Lean on her. She knows how hard it is to give a Son back. She knows the pain. Just stand there and weep with her. Yours is a holy sorrow.
I struggled after the loss of my son Matthew greatly with fears and anxiety. Suddenly, nothing and no one in my family was safe. I came face to face with the startling reality that nothing is guaranteed. I have never been in a darker place. I have also never seen God more clearly. What I learned through all of that is that these children that are so precious to me, that I would do anything for, are not mine. They truly are His, and my husband and I are stewards of these precious treasures for a time. They are not my possessions. I must be ready to give them back to Him when He asks. I've had to do that - twice. Embracing this has been the most peaceful thing I have ever done. Letting go of fear and anxiety allowed my soul to be flooded with the peace that surpasses all understanding, and what an immense joy that is amidst great suffering.
I am praying very hard for you right now, Pam - that you experience God's unspeakable peace, that He pours out His Ocean of Mercy on you and your family in tangible ways, and that you feel refreshed in spirit and body. God bless you!
__________________
Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19 , ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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phplists
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| Posted: Aug 26 2008 at 10:16pm | IP Logged
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Ladies - thank you! We have spent the day waiting for news about my mother's exact diagnosis (still not in) and by tonight I just needed to get it all out. It was a relief to pour it out to women who do really "get it".
I feel like the replies I have received here are all life-preservers and I am clinging to them! I am printing out each one - will order the prayer book and, Mackfam, it's back to the Rosary beads RIGHT NOW and then on to the next thing on your program and the next. You have truly "been there" and bless you for sharing your wisdom. THANK YOU all!!
Thank you all for your prayers and concern and empathy and good advice, and for just caring to read the whole thing all the way through! I am thanking God for each of you and offering up our trials also for each of your own intentions.
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folklaur
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| Posted: Aug 26 2008 at 11:21pm | IP Logged
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Pam - sending you many, many prayers.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Aug 26 2008 at 11:33pm | IP Logged
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Oh Pam  what an awful lot to be dealing with.
I will pray for you.
I don't have the extensive (and lovely) suggestions that the other ladies have offered.
I would like to encourage you to some form of exercise.. walks with the kids could fit.. but exercise helps with stress which can help you deal with all the rest.
And even harder is to eat well.. again because if you do it'll help you physically so that you can deal with all the rest.
Consider taking some decent vitamins.. not grocery store but good food based health food store type.. Rainbow Light is a good brand, Twin Labs is a good brand.. but something especially with B's.. stress uses those up. And since there's bound to be times you won't eat well the vitamins can help make up the difference and help your body function better. I'd suggest a bottle at home and a bottle in your purse.. because I'm sure there will be times you'll be out of the house and not be able to get them.
But remember if you can help your body function physically, then you'll have the energy to deal with all the mental processes and the extras you have to do.
And also, a routine doesn't have to be heavy on the school work. It can be doing chores and eating times and walking times.. that in some ways can be kept up even when out of the house (eating times at least, and maybe read aloud times.. on tape for in the car)
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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monique
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Hugs and prayers, Pam. Your post brought me to tears.
These ladies have given you great suggestions.
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Monique
mom to 5
Raising Saints
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crusermom
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Pam, I will be praying for you. You have gone through so much.
Any chance your 10 year old would like to "play" school and help his younger brother? When I was morning sick, my 11 y.o. enjoyed giving assignments to the younger ones and correcting homework.
Mary
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Mary
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MaryM
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Praying for you Pam.
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Mary M. in Denver
Our Domestic Church
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teachingmom
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I'm so sorry for these heavy crosses you are bearing, Pam! I will pray for you. 
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~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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chrisv664
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Pam,
I will be praying for you. I just wanted to address your concerns about bringing a baby into your life during this difficult time. Four out of our six babies were born at a time of loss in our family.. (the death of my mother, dh's parents and brother) We really saw the babies as God's way of telling us that life is meant to continue even in the midst of our pain... we have learned over the years that sometimes pain and joy can co-exist and from my perspective, the pain was tempered by the great joy of our babies. My advice, if I may offer it, is to stay open to life, even in the midst of your trials... the pain we have endured in our marriage would have been so much more devastating without the sprinkling of joy mixed in.
You have received so much wonderful wisdom already... I don't think I could add much to it. I will keep praying for you!
__________________
Chris
Loving Wife of Dan and Mom to Kate, Jessica, Ben,
Rebecca, Thomas and Hannah
Burning The Candle At Both Ends
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stefoodie
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Pam, I don't know what else to say as so much great advice has already been given. Know that we are praying hard for you and your family. Sending hugs!!
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stef
mom to five
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sewcrazy
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| Posted: Aug 27 2008 at 9:02am | IP Logged
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Prayers and hugs your way. I am sorry that you are going through all of this struggle.
I had one year with that tone also. I was going through a very difficult pregnancy, and other health problens, and spent a lot time in the hospital.
That year we turned to Catholic Heritage Curriculum. We are ecletic here, and I normally enjoy planning. It wasn't happening that year. After looking at my options, I decided they would provide the framework we needed to "get back on track". The lessons are gentle and take very little time. I do feel they are a little too "light" but when the alternative was nothing really getting accomplished except me feeling even less up to the task of home educating, it was a good fit for us.
It wasn't "perfect" but it was better than I was in the frame of mind to manage. That is the only year that I have ever used another person's plan. And I forced myself not to "tweak" at all.
Perhaps something like this would help you this year.
We will keep you in our prayers.
LeeAnn
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LeeAnn
Wife of David, mom to Ben, Dennis, Alex, Laura, Philip and our little souls in heaven we have yet to meet
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cathhomeschool
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Pam, you continue in my prayers! I just wanted to add not to give up hope on having another child. God's timing is perfect, and He knows the desires of you heart. Some good friends of ours desired a large family but were saddened that she was getting older and they had only been able to have 3 children. Then all of a sudden she became pregnant with triplets -- without drugs or any artificial intervention or anything. Now they still wished (and wish) for more, but were so grateful for God's unexpected gift. Keep turning to Our Blessed Mother for prayers, strength and comfort.
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Janette (4 boys - 22, 21, 15, 14)
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Willa
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Pam, I have been praying for you and Jonathan and will renew my prayers and pray hard for your mother as well.
You were also mentioned on my classical list by someone who knows you locally? I think you are SO doing the right thing by asking for the prayers; this is what kept me going for several years with 2 very sick little children. You should not feel ashamed of that at all. Rather, it is truly a blessing for others to be able to pray for you. It gives them a gift.
Micro-prayers REALLY really help -- just little "Jesus, have mercy!" and "I give you my heart and my soul,", breathed whenever it occurs to you. When you are feeling so down, it is difficult to have a structured prayer life, and God does not expect that.
Also helps me to remember that in these times almost every moment is an act of mercy -- caring for the sick, etc.
About getting back on track. A couple of thoughts that have helped me:
One Thing A Day -- about putting something that you would really like to do with/for your kids on the priority list, and focusing on that.
Making Memories
Quote:
| Remind yourself that each moment we're creating memories. Think of those moments as photos in a photo album. |
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For me, the way that applied when we were living in crisis was that I tried to take emotional snapshots of the little joyful things, even in the midst of sorrow. The tiny moments -- cuddling a little one, a cup of coffee with my husband in a moment of respite, the way the trees looked against the morning sky -- whatever helped me remember that life is beautiful. The little simple things that Jennifer mentioned -- the little tried and true, relationship-building things -- became sacramental because I realized so clearly that they were precious and a direct gift from God.
I am in a similar boat to yours with regard to more children, except older at 45. I will pray for that, too. There aren't any easy answers, but I know God sees your heart lovingly.
__________________
AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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St. Ann
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Pam, you and your family are in my prayers. I will remember your needs at daily Mass. I am so thankful to know all of you beautiful women.
__________________
Stephanie
Wife and mother to Hannah '96, Maria '99, Dorothea '01, Helena '03
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Leonie
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Prayers from here - any more news from your mum?
I really,really have found the One Thing idea that Willa posted above, to be very helpful.
And I want to recommend the book Wild Days as part of this One Thing. The author writes of her postpartum depression and of how, getting out regularly with the kids, despite the effort to get out, and taking discovery journals for writing and drawing, how this changed her days.
The discovery journals were for mum and toddlers too, became their school work ( Maths, Science, Writing, Art, Geography over time), getting out in nature helped, the exercise helped.
When I feel blah, I always re-read this book and we go out, journals in hand.
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Leonie in Sydney
Living Without School
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phplists
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Ladies - I am so so SO grateful for all the prayers, advice and hope that you are all pouring out on me. THANK YOU. I am printing out each response and love and appreciate how each of you has something very particular to speak to me about. I know God is using you all to minister to me and I thank you so much.
My mom is a little worse today - her lungs filled with fluid and she moved to ICU. The most troubling thing is that they are undecided about what type of cancer it is she is dealing with - one has a terrible prognosis and the other is reasonably treatable. We are praying so hard for the latter. Thank you so much for asking. In any case this will be a marathon not a sprint - and so many of you know what that is like.
You have all shared with me such hope - for a baby (or three!!), for healing, for a successful homeschooling year in spite of all the crisis, for the resources I need, for the Christian companionship of so many like-minded women. Thank you so much for keeping us in prayer and I continue to offer up our trials for you ladies here and YOUR intentions. I am keeping each and every reply in print, and in my heart.
Pam
__________________
Pam
Mom to three boys, 11, 8 and 4
Mothering Through Breastfeeding
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Burn Out Homeschooling in Times of Crisis
