| Author | |
folklaur
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2816
|
| Posted: July 21 2008 at 1:48pm | IP Logged
|
 |
|
Rachel's blessed and wonderful announcement got me wondering - WHY do people, especially family, say such negative things about another baby? What in the world is their motivation?
The only times I can understand (although I still don't agree! I just can see their view maybe a little) is if the family is constantly needing to borrow money, or if the Mother's health could be severely jeopardized (for example, a Mom(Grandma) is going to worry about her daughter's health, it's just normal...)
But - aside from that - especially if you aren't asking anything from them - WHY does it matter one wit to other people how many kids you have - or not?
I just do not get it.....
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
joann10
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 10 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3493
|
| Posted: July 21 2008 at 2:13pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I have had these negative comments from one of my two sisters. And I have never been able to figure them out.  We had our first three kids at about the same time, she stopped having children, because "she knew what caused them, and obviously we didn't"-  .
Her last child is leaving for college this fall, and she is now beside herself wondering how she will ever get through her "empty nest" syndrome. She told us recently that she needs to get a little dog so that she can have a "baby". She is only 46-and I can't imagine being in her position.
My mom recently told me how jealous she is of me because I have all these children- from grown-up to toddlers- and I certainly will never be lonely. 
I wonder if it was just her circumstances at the time that made her react to my babies the way she did in the past. She was married to a non-catholic(still is and they have a good marriage) both she and her husband's lives were very carrier oriented, and they live in a very upscale neighborhood where her three children put them above the average family size.
I guess I feel now that we can't know what is behind someones comment over things like this-but we just have to try not to judge them, (as we don't like to be judged), no matter how hard and painful of a thing it is to do.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
lapazfarm
Forum All-Star
Joined: July 21 2005
Location: Alaska
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 6082
|
| Posted: July 21 2008 at 2:24pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
For my mom, I know it is because of a few different factors:
For one, the times she was raised in--she was caught up in the rise of the feminist movement. It is deeply ingrained in her psyche.Children to her mean a lack of "liberation" and lost opportunities for me.She loves me and hates to see me "waste my life" and my education this way.
For another, she loves her grandchildren and to her, another child means less attention available to the current children.In her mind, the new child will be taking away from the others and she resents any future children for that. However, once the child is born/adopted, that disappears quickly and she loves the new child just as much as the old.
The final reason is lack of faith. My mom is an atheist, so she simply does not get it from a religious point of view, much as I did not before my conversion.
So, although it is hard to deal with, I try to understand her attitude by realizing it is all due to misguided love for me and my children that she feels this way.
__________________
Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
PDyer
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 25 2005
Location: Ohio
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1043
|
| Posted: July 21 2008 at 2:24pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Given the mixed reactions I received recently and the detail to which people were willing to go into in giving me their opinion on the matter, I can say this much.
My parents are concerned (not terribly negative) because of my health.
A certain doctor I visited around that time thinks since I'm over forty it's time for me to move on to doing something other than child-rearing fulltime. I need to have time "for myself", to do something "important".
One person who doesn't know we miscarried told me I need to stop giving so much to my family and do more for myself, and her way of "solving" this problem is for me to get a job.
So I've heard the "get meaningful work" message quite a lot. No pay = not meaningful, I guess.
I think there's also a general tendency for people to render an opinion on matters that aren't their business. I live in a small town where everyone seems to know everyone else's business, so I've heard some jaw-droppers, but I can't say I've experienced a whopper like Elizabeth did recently.. 
So. I had only one week of personal experience being pregnant with my third child past forty, so not much experience here. I don't get it either...
__________________
Patty
Mom of ds (7/96) and dd (9/01) and two angels (8/95 and 6/08)
Life at Home
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Lisbet
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2006
Location: Michigan
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2706
|
| Posted: July 21 2008 at 3:07pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
A lady at the pool came up to me the other day and told me how she could never have 5 kids (I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I only had 5 in the kiddie pool, the other 4 were in the big pool!! ) and how thankful she was for her birth control. She literally just walked up to me outta the blue...
I once had someone ask me if I thought I'd ever pull an Andrea Yates. (this was when I had 5, and right after a painful loss!)
I've been asked numerous times if they all have the same father or how many times I've been married.
I've had some doozies as you can tell. I often feel that it is a particular cross that I bear. It's okay. It does hurt when it comes from my mother, but we all just get over it.
__________________
Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Milehimama
Forum Pro
Joined: July 16 2008
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 202
|
| Posted: July 21 2008 at 3:20pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
When my FIL died, we were going through his correspondence. He wrote, more than once, that he hopes "we stop soon" and that "this one will be their last".
We also found all of his calendars. He noted little things each day - phone calls made, miles he ran, tomatoes he picked.
The days and weeks after the birth of our children are blank. It was incredibly hurtful, I don't know why... we never asked him for anything.
I wish people would think before they say things like that.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
mama251ders
Forum All-Star
Joined: Oct 21 2007
Location: Michigan
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 508
|
| Posted: July 21 2008 at 3:44pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
After we had our 5th, my SIL (my oldest brother's wife) announced that they were not buying the nieces and nephews anymore gifts because there were "just too darn many of them!" Then I found her profile on Ravelry and found out that she has been showering her "own" nephews and even her friends kids with handmade gifts. It really hurts to know that not only are we being punished for having a large family, but my other brother's girls are being punished too. I have to say that I have made a HUGE effort to never miss a birthday or a Christmas for her kids. I kinda feel like I have to make a point. We are considering adopting (we can't have any more pregnancies) and my mother is just beside herself about what my brothers and their wives will think. Not a word about how great it would be to have another baby. Very sad.
Betsie
__________________
Wife to Oliver
Mama to 5 Wonders
Benny, Braidon, Olivia, Anna and Saragh
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Martha
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 25 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2291
|
| Posted: July 21 2008 at 3:56pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Well can I be honest and say what I think depends on my mood?
Sometimes, it's just pure ignorance. They are literally just that rude and ignorant of what they let come out of their mouth without any prior thought process. "Was it an accident?!" Well he sure didn't slip on a banana and strategicly fall on me as I was getting out of the shower!
Other times, they are unsincerely curious. We are a novelty or freak show right in their midst! "Wow. Can you believe what they've gone and done AGAIN?! They are just nuts?!" Yep. Crazy over babies around here. Just can't get enough. 
Other times, they may be misguided but genuinely concerned and unable to mind their own business. "How can you AFFORD that many?! What if one is born with a problem!?" They honestly view pregnancy as a risky abnormality to be rarely undertaken and parenting as a burden to be gotten through and dealt with - not a source of happiness even when very hard. I often say I didn't marry for money, I don't have children for money and through sickness and health doesn't just apply to the couple - it means everyone in the family.
__________________
Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
insegnante
Forum All-Star
Joined: April 07 2006
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1143
|
| Posted: July 21 2008 at 3:57pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
This is much easier to brush off than if it were from family, but some grocery store employee who hadn't seen us in a while and was commenting on how much the boys had grown, upon being informed that I was pregnant with a new little one, assumed a not particularly positive facial expression and said "I hope it's a girl." (It does appear to be a girl, but that doesn't make those comments any better IMO.)
I actually asked my husband to stop volunteering in everyday chit-chat to various people that we're almost certainly having a girl this time, because I don't want to open up the subject of or contribute to anyone wrongly assuming "trying for a girl, that's why a third, presumably they're 'done' after this." We will still tell them if they ask whether we know.
__________________
Theresa
mommy to three boys, 3/02, 8/04, and 9/10, and a girl, 8/08
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Maria B.
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 16 2006
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 544
|
| Posted: July 21 2008 at 4:09pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
It's bad enough when family make the negative comments. It is even more amazing to me how complete strangers think they can comment on my family size. Over the years I have had many hurtful things said to me in public. I try and not let it bother me, but it does. Years ago, I was standing in line with six little ones in tow, very pregnany with #7. The old man behind me glared at us. Mind you, the children were behaving. Even they were aware of his glaring. After a few minutes, he turned to me and said, "You know, your husband should take up golf!" My emotions were so raw at that point. I gathered all the kids up and left the store and bawled in the car. The kids smothered me with hugs and kisses. They didn't understand what the stranger meant. They just knew it hurt me. I will never forget that day.
Another time when we were buying our full size van, the car saleslady inquired why we needed a van. Again, pregnant this time with #8, my husband told the lady we had outgrown our mini-van. She sarcastically said, "You must be Catholic!" My husband (who was not used to these comments) was appalled and asked for another salesman.
Would you ever go up to someone who only had one or two kids and say, "Why do you only have two children? Don't you know how babies are made?" Of course not!
It's so sad.
__________________
Maria in VA
Proud Mom to 10 Great kids!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
msclavel
Forum All-Star
Joined: July 26 2006
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 781
|
| Posted: July 21 2008 at 5:55pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
My mil's reaction to the news of our new baby was "Are you going to stop now?" And believe me she wasn't trying to be funny. My husband had to get in her face and remind her that she is a practicing Catholic and the last person we should be hearing those kinds of comments from. He was expecting the reaction but it really hurt him. He says that her biggest concern is his health. To which I wondered if she knew that I was the one carrying the baby. But he has type II diabetes and she is quite certain he will drop dead any moment now and "leave me with all those kids". Comforting thought.
Sadly, I really do think most people think they're being helpful or showing their concern. I have met a very few that actually are disgusted by all those little children and really would prefer they didn't exist. Dh and I theorize that they fear we'll suck up all the oxygen.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
graciefaith
Forum Pro
Joined: June 08 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 361
|
| Posted: July 21 2008 at 8:10pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Well, in my family, I am the only SAHM. We are also the only family with one vehicle. I think a lot of it is, for us, the mentality that 2 kids is the PERFECT family and anything more is just too much. IME, children are thought of as financial burdens. A friend of mine said she'd have more kids if they could afford it. They could if they wanted to. Her husband is the same rank as mine and she had a job plus another part time job. She admits she just spends the money on whatever. Another good friend said they are thinking of it in financial terms b/c she'd like to be able to afford putting her current kids in various programs. She said it's not fair to them if they had more kids and then could not afford it. But this same friend and her dh has decided to try for 1-2 more kids. YAY!
My dad sees a big family and just sees how much money it cost to raise a family. I guess, in my family, it's all about finances.
__________________
Blessed wife and mom of 3 girls, Sept. '01, Dec. '02 and Oct. '07
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
juststartn
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 17 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1321
|
| Posted: July 21 2008 at 8:42pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Well, I know right now we are very much in tight circumstances, financially. That should change in the next month or so, God willing (and God willing, sooner rather than later...). But we are not in such dire straits that we are asking for loans (altho we have in the distant past). We are actually far better off than we have been.
My mom has brought up the fact that the drs wanted me on bedrest with #2 (because I was dilated to 2 at one point--now they realize that's my "default" setting, lol  ), and then again with the boys. Of course, bedrest is almost a given with twins, but that doesn't change her opinion.
So for her, it is at least partially about the possible health/inconvenience issues. She's also, really, not a very "grandma" grandmother. Very hands off. She gives them presents, etc. But she's not a baking/go to the park grandma. She had three, and after I announced my pregnancy with the boys (of course, at that point, we just knew it as a pregnancy, not that there were twins in there, lol), she informed me that the reason they had stopped at three was because they couldn't afford more dc (like they had always said), but because they flat out didn't want any more. How sad is THAT?!?
I dunno, but I know one of my sisters is going to be rolling her eyes. Her lifestyle is pretty opposite to ours, so of course I can expect that from her. My other sister will pretty much keep her opinions to herself. My grandmother will be thrilled--my aunt will take her cues from my dad. My mom will be the most vocal. Dad and mom both have told me to "use some common sense, Rachel"...I'm about to the point where I want to say that if refusing a blessing from God is "common sense", then call me a fool for God!
Would any of these people turn down better health, a "fatter" income, etc? Shoot, no! But children are not a blessing to people who think like this. They are an obstacle to the "good things in life" Don't even get me started on the materialistic attitudes of most people these days. One man I knew said that if his wife wouldn't work outside the home, he'd divorce her. Flat out. Cause his mother was a single mom for a long time, and had to work....
Ugh. I don't want to get started--no, the above is not started--its merely the prelude...
Rachel
__________________
Married DH 4/1/95
Lily 3/11/00
Helena(Layna) 5/23/02
Sophia 4/19/04
John 5/7/07
David 5/7/07
Ava Maria, in the arms of Jesus, 9/5/08
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
DivineMercy
Forum Pro
Joined: June 14 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 146
|
| Posted: July 21 2008 at 10:40pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Please no stones...this is very hard to ask/talk about. I am having a hard time being open to more children and I only have 3. It is not all the time and I/we would never do anything to prevent a child and any given to us would be loved and welcomed, but there are times when I think there is no way I could handle another child. Like the days when I lose my temper and scream at them. From reading others' comments I feel so alone in this. It isn't the materialistic reasons that you normally hear, but I feel like I am going to snap already emotionally and physically. Also, I don't feel very connected to my boys so I think that is another reason both for my attitude about more and why I feel I can't handle things as it is. What can I do? Has anyone else ever felt this way? I feel almost evil for feeling this way. I would appreciate any advice and covet all prayers.
Thank you,
Michelle
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
folklaur
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2816
|
| Posted: July 21 2008 at 11:22pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
DivineMercy wrote:
Please no stones...this is very hard to ask/talk about. I am having a hard time being open to more children and I only have 3. It is not all the time and I/we would never do anything to prevent a child and any given to us would be loved and welcomed, but there are times when I think there is no way I could handle another child. Like the days when I lose my temper and scream at them. From reading others' comments I feel so alone in this. It isn't the materialistic reasons that you normally hear, but I feel like I am going to snap already emotionally and physically. Also, I don't feel very connected to my boys so I think that is another reason both for my attitude about more and why I feel I can't handle things as it is. What can I do? Has anyone else ever felt this way? I feel almost evil for feeling this way. I would appreciate any advice and covet all prayers.
Thank you,
Michelle |
|
|
Oh, Michelle! Hugs & prayers!
I only have three. the first was a girl, the second a boy, so when we got pg again, we got a lot of "but you already have one of each" comments.
I am not supposed to get pg again, due to health reasons. So - unless we go the adoption route - three will be it for us.
I have been made to feel badly in the past when it has been suggested to me that I am not being a faithful Catholic becasue I only have three. That is a pretty horrible thing for someone to say/think, especially if they don;t know our circumstances, ya know?
I feel bad that you feel bad!
I have the days where I scream too. I think most of us do. 
And I can tell you that I have conflicting emotions too (here comes something I rarely will admit!)- some days I am really glad that my youngest is 6 because if I am feeling badly with a headache and need to lay down, or if I just want to have a few "me" minutes and read for a little bit, I can. I don;t have to keep my eyes vigilantly on a constantly busy toddler. Other days, my heart hurts so, so bad, as I yearn for a baby to hold. I think these emotions are just normal, human reactions. Trying to accept my situation as it is while still really wishing it could be different.
If you are feeling like there is something "else" going on with you....then you may want to talk to your dr. Really. I think a lot of us here have had experiences with depression, anxiety, and other things that could be making you feel "off." I am not saying that is what it is, just a possibility, a suggestion.
again, hugs, and many, many prayers coming your way!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
crusermom
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 09 2007
Location: New Jersey
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 878
|
| Posted: July 22 2008 at 7:54am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Michelle,
I have always been open to life but there were times - esp early on - that I thought I was at my wits end. Often, when people tell me they could not have more as they can't handle the two or three they have - I tell them that I had trouble handling three also. I think in many ways it has gotten easier for me since I have had some older ones. Do you have good Catholic friends? I found that to be invaluable. Getting together with other faithful Catholic couples, finding a mentor, perhaps a mom a little further down her travels, would be a big help. I will pray for you.
As for neg. comments - I get them from my MIL - but I don't know - they don't really bother me too much. I know I am doing the right thing. I feel sad for her and choices she has made. Last Christmas, she asked my younger children what they wanted - and they all told her "a new baby." My five year old added - "make that 100 new babies."
Mary
__________________
Mary
Army wife and Crusermom to 8 wonderful children!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Bookswithtea
Forum All-Star
Joined: July 07 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2621
|
| Posted: July 22 2008 at 8:24am | IP Logged
|
|
|
How do you answer the money question? I just the other day heard, "Wow, that must be expensive." I dunno, maybe its the price of gas right now, but it seems like this is what I hear a lot lately. 
I don't want to give people the impression we are well off (we aren't). And yes, we do have a bigger food bill and a bigger gasoline bill due to a bigger vehicle. But its not what they are thinking when they say that...And I really only have the time for a sentence or two with a stranger, kwim?
I need something to say that is not sarcastic or quippy, if y'all have any suggestions...
__________________
Blessings,
~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and  due 9/10
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Martha
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 25 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2291
|
| Posted: July 22 2008 at 9:04am | IP Logged
|
|
|
DivineMercy wrote:
| Please no stones...this is very hard to ask/talk about. I am having a hard time being open to more children and I only have 3. |
|
|
Having a smaller family does not make one not open to life. I can understand that not everyone can be as easily accepting as we are. There have been plenty of times when we felt much like you describe, esp in our earlier years of parenting. Those years with a few children are hard for different reasons. It's all consuming, it's new, there's little support, and it's a time of learning and accepting that your parenting road might not be the same as the average americans. We keep trying to do better and pray God makes up for our lacking and it does pass for most parents. For us, we had an enlightening "ah-ha!" illumination after the 6th pregnancy. Yes, I said SIXTH. So, don't feel like you love your kids less or are a lesser mother for your worries. Mothers who genuinely care pretty much never stop worrying. I bet if you asked any of the mothers of many here, they'd all say that just when they think they are gaining some confidence, something happens to make them doubtful and humble and a 1st time swimmer in the ocean all over again. Then again, maybe that's just me....
__________________
Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Martha
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 25 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2291
|
| Posted: July 22 2008 at 9:07am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Bookswithtea wrote:
How do you answer the money question?
I need something to say that is not sarcastic or quippy, if y'all have any suggestions... |
|
|
umm. I don't think you have to answer it at all. Isn't there an old sayign that one should never discuss money, politics, and religion?
If you must, just say, "It's really not as expensive as people think." and move on. That's what I say if I must. Esp if you are american, most americans, imho, are very wasteful and have a skewed concept of what a need is vs wants. But that's a whole 'nother topic! 
__________________
Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: July 22 2008 at 9:21am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I've always felt that having only 3 littles was the hardest.. I'm still periodically amazed at how easy (comparatively) it is to take 8 children to Mass by myself.. when I can remember feeling like I could barely manage 3 by myself.
As far as what to say to how expensive it is.. well.. it depends on the people and what you know about them. My dh has pointed out to people that he drives an old beater truck without a payment and doesn't go out to eat much and doesn't go to the bars on the weekend etc. That is until he'd shared enough homemade goodies or had them here to eat that if he says that we don't go out to eat.. he gets a response of "yeah but your wife can cook"
One thing I mentioned the other day which is helpful for both expense and ecological arguments.. is that sure my van uses more gas than many vehicles.. but for the number of people I transport with only one driver (everyone else being 11 and under) that you couldn't beat it with smaller vehicles plus you'd need more drivers.
I think anytime you do things that are pretty counter-cultural that you'll get negative feedback.. we naturally want to fit in.. and we want others to fit in.. it's uncomfortable to think that perhaps there is another way.. and especially for parents it can be seen as a criticism of the decisions they made that were different from what you're doing now.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Why do they do that?!?!?!
