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Maddie
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| Posted: July 14 2008 at 11:16pm | IP Logged
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I would love to hear the manners you are cultivating in your children. What do you think is important? What are you careful to implement in your family?
For example:
Always please and thank you, no mumbling the words
They answer "Yes, Mom" when I have given them an instruction.
When we have guests they are to greet the guest and not hide out in their room nor run past the guest as if the person was not there. They may go about their play after they have properly greeted our guest.
Older children must keep the guest company, offer a beverage and make light talk until I am available to the guest. (sometimes I'm nursing, etc and can't come down immediately)
They must always use a respectful tone with me and respectful words. I have told them if they are not sure how to say something, they may preface their words with something like, "I'm not sure how to word this..." then I know they are not meaning to be disrespectful to me, but I want them to be free to communicate with me, even when upset, angry, whatever.
They see our guests to the door when practical, thanking them for the visit.
When they are guests, they greet the hostess/host and thank them for the party, whatever. If practical see if they can help in anyway. Afterwards, they thank their host/hostess for the invitation, again, if practical help with clean up.
When serving themselves a drink, they must offer to get one for those around them.
They call adults Mr., Mrs., etc. I know this can vary in the south. 
When introduced they say "Nice to meet you" and when asked how they are they may say, "Fine, thank you".
Oh, there are so many more, but I would love to hear the manners you are instilling in your children. I worry I'm forgetting something, I would love to read a good manners book but time is limited. I need sound-bite ideas. 
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~Maddie~
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LLMom
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In addition to those (and thanks for some of the reminders) we try to always have our children say "thank you for the meal" to the cook, at home or when we visit somewhere. So even if ds cooks lunch, they all must thank the cook. We are also trying to teach, especially the boys, to open doors for ladies, offer to help carry things in when guests come or mom/dad get home. Good telephone manners. Answer with good grammar/words (drives me crazy for them to answer "yah.") I am sure there are more, but that is about all my tired brain can think of now.
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Philothea
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"Please may I have ...." ("I want" gets you nothing but "the look" until you restate your request politely)
"Thank you."
Miss Firstname, Mr. Firstname for family friends, Mr. and Mrs. Lastname for other adults.
"May I please be excused?" when finished eating ... none of this "I'm done!" and jumping up from the table stuff.
Let others go first. Our oldest (age 4) has had a real problem with always wanting to be in front, first, etc. to the point he was shoving people on the stairs. We are trying to teach him not to do that.
Don't interrupt people when they are speaking, especially adults.
If someone offers you something you deem "yucky" or otherwise undesirable, do not share your opinion. Simply say "No, thank you."
If someone is doing something that bothers you, say firmly but without yelling, "I don't like that, please stop." If the behavior does not cease, then come find Mommy or Daddy or another trusted adult and tell us about it. Do not hit, shove, screech or similar.
No namecalling, teasing, put-downs, purposeful exclusion or other hurtful behaviors.
Look people in the eye and speak clearly when introduced to them or answering a question.
No backtalk to adults in legitimate authority.
-ing, not -in'. (Jumping vs, jumpin', going vs. gonna, etc.)
There are a lot more things we're trying to teach and there will be even more as they get older, but this is the most common stuff we work on.
Treat others the way you would like to be treated! Pretty much sums it up, doesn't it?
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monique
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| Posted: July 15 2008 at 9:42am | IP Logged
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Love these ideas! I really like using the preface "I'm not sure how to word this..." when they have something to tell you that might sound disrespectful. I also like...."I don't like that, please stop."
DH and I really struggle in this department. I never really thought about actively teaching manners but as my children get older (and more mouthy, disrespectful) I'm seeing how important it is. Here is another area where I'm finding a need to be "intentional".
One that we are really working on right now is with my daughter. Lately she's been saying, "Yeah", or "Whatever" when I ask her to do something. I'm trying to gently remind her to say, "Yes, mother."
So I'm curious as to what happens when children don't follow the rules. I know I have one child who would absolutely refuse to do some of these.
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Mary Chris
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monique
So I'm curious as to what happens when children don't follow the rules. I know I have one child who would absolutely refuse to do some of these.[/QUOTE wrote:
Push ups and sit ups |
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Push ups and sit ups
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ctrivette
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| Posted: July 15 2008 at 10:32am | IP Logged
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Mary Chris wrote:
Push ups and sit ups |
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 I like that:) I had hoped that most of the manners I want the kids to learn would just be 'picked up' by example, but they ned a lot of reminding, if not teaching. And I realize we haven't done much with visitors and what to do when adults come and go...I need to focus on that.
What do you do for telephone manners? I have a very specific way I want the kids to answer the phone (although I do not answer it that way). I get a lot of comments when they do, mostly from my relatives and mostly about how I am overly formal with that. The kids can't answer if they don't recognize the name/number, but I still want them to say "hello, XXXXX residence, XXXXX speaking" instead of Yeah? or What? (which is how I have heard some kids answer)
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Philothea
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| Posted: July 15 2008 at 10:34am | IP Logged
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monique wrote:
So I'm curious as to what happens when children don't follow the rules. I know I have one child who would absolutely refuse to do some of these. |
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Time stops. What I mean by that is that they may not move on to anything else until they comply. So, if 4yo son slams the door, I gently but matter-of-factly make him come back and reclose it softly. Or if he says "I want a banana!" in that screeching bratty tone, I just look at him like he's a space alien and he corrects himself 75% of the time, or 25% of the time I need to go ahead and prompt him "How do we ask for things?" Normally, he corrects himself, and that's that. But if he decides to fight it, he is basically in time out until he complies -- I make him sit/stand where he is and he does not get anything he wants until he's ready to correct his error.
ETA: I really like the push ups and sit ups idea! What a great way to ensure physical fitness is taken care of!
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MarilynW
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| Posted: July 15 2008 at 11:02am | IP Logged
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I wrote about manners here
I find that model model and model good behaviour is the best thing. Also correction on the spot.
BTW - physical exercise would not work as a disciplinary measure in my house - my guys would LOVE it.
Bad manners and disrespectful ways of speaking are highly contagious and we guard against them - eg when my daughter was at Nutcracker rehearsals and performances and I volunteered for dressing room duty I was horrified at the manners and disrespectful speech of many of the girls in the ballet school - so I made sure I always pointed them out to dd and explained to her that we would never tolerate that in our house
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Mary Chris
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| Posted: July 15 2008 at 11:28am | IP Logged
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I have more time now, I'm not sure what I did to make my quote so wacky up there 
I agree modeling is most important and surronding your children with other respectful children is always a good thing.
I also am quick to stop my kids when they start to slip into others bad habits.
When mine were younger if they asked rudely they were reminded to ask again. Almost always if they did something wrong they had to stop, and then do/ask again.
Mine also love physical activity but not necessarily push ups. The one that likes push ups has to do sit ups . If nothing else, it makes them stop and realize they did something wrong and gives me time to get my cool back. We start at 10 sit ups or push ups and it goes up for the offense or lack of proper push up/sit up/attitude adjustment.
My 13dd loves "whatever" and the obnoxious "W" on the forehead sign and that is the age. She is not allowed to say it to me, natch, and I prefer her not to say it around me, but I remember it could be worse. Using "whatever" is not the first step on a slippery path. And I know, she would never say it to an adult.
On the phone, I prefer my children not to say their names, or the name of our household. Now that we have caller ID and my dd sounds just like me, she does say her name, otherwise my friends think she is me and she has to stop them and say, I'll get my mom.
My boys do hold doors for people.
Table manners we have to work on.
Last time we were flying we checked out bags curbside and the porter complimented me on what good manners my children have. I remember thinking, they better, and then they just said thank you. I suppose in that position you probably run across a few rude folks.
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mom to MacKenzie3/95, Carter 12/97 Ronan 3/00 and wife to Jim since 1/92
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Maddie
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| Posted: July 15 2008 at 5:13pm | IP Logged
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Great reminders and suggestions!
When the children deliberately try to get around saying "Yes, Mom" I have had them write it 50 times or something to that effect. It's only 2 words and takes no time at all, so if they mouth off the next time I just ask, "Would you rather write it?"
I also make sure they introduce friends to each other to make sure everyone knows each other. I hate being at get togethers where your just thrown in with everyone.
Always offer your chair/seat to the lady or older person. My dh is very good at modeling this. On a very packed Easter Sunday, he offered his seat to an elderly lady. She was very grateful and then all my boys found someone to offer their seat to so they could be just like Daddy.
I'm considering having the boys stand when a lady enters the room. Do any of you do this?
We also have caller ID, so they tell me who is calling and I let them know if it's convenient to pick up. Then they may state:" __________residence, Anne speaking" They may politely say hello to the caller if they like before giving it to me.
I have a really hard time with parents and adults who do not support us in teaching our children good manners. So many times I get the eye rolling, or "my dad was Mr. Smith, I'm just Bob" Casual can be very rude sometimes, IMO.
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monique
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I really want to raise ladies and gentlemen but I find it hard when you didn't grow up that way. My husband and I both need to watch ourselves. While some of my kids are away at camp I've tried to teach my 3 year old nice ways of talking but now that my daughter is back it seems like he is challenging me again. And my daughter....ack! She's 11 and I swear she acts like some hormonal teenager. But I suppose that is a different thread...... 
Like you, Marilyn (BTW loved your manners post!) we are working on the obedience. I get so distracted that I don't follow through or my DH and I try to do the arm-chair parenting thing and that just doesn't work.
I find that very few people teach their kids to say Mr. or Mrs. It's usually just the homeschoolers in this town.
I also try to compliment my boys and thank them when they hold the door for ladies.
I like the writing and push ups/sit ups ideas, also!
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MarilynW
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OK - since the push ups, running laps around the house etc were treats for my kids - I introduced a new disciplinary measure this summer - scrubbing my walls and doors - so far my kitchen walls are looking good and a few of my doors are also starting to look shiny white
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RamFam
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Mary Chris wrote:
monique wrote:
So I'm curious as to what happens when children don't follow the rules. I know I have one child who would absolutely refuse to do some of these. |
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Push ups and sit ups |
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My husband's family uses something similar: hold yourself in push up position.
I'm just trying to get my kids to stop saying, "HUH???" Even my one year old does it and he only has a twenty word vocabulary! 
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cornomama4
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My big thing is the attitude behind the words. When I ask a boy (7&8) to do something, I'll get anything from "yes, ma'am" to "I'm on the job!" to "it's of my pleasure" (I can't bear to correct the grammar here..it's too cute). I don't care what they say, if it's positive and they're on the move to do it. However, any grumbling or groaning or whining gets shut down immediately.
The cute thing is when 2yo dd pipes up and says "I do on the job too!" and runs after them to "help". And when they give her some of any treat they have she says "Oooo, tank you SO MUCH!"
I've always felt that good manners involve actions you take that show you're thinking of the needs and comfort of others. Good manners are a sign of respect for others, a way we show that we value others as people, enough to make an extra effort to be polite, or hold a door or let someone else go first. If I can teach my children to embody this kind of gracious consideration of others, to be less egocentric, I'll have improved them beyond their mother at least.
cm4
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Maddie
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cornomama4 wrote:
| My big thing is the attitude behind the words. When I ask a boy (7&8) to do something, I'll get anything from "yes, ma'am" to "I'm on the job!" to "it's of my pleasure" (I can't bear to correct the grammar here..it's too cute). I don't care what they say, if it's positive and they're on the move to do it. |
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What a honey!
For my children, "Yes, Mom" confirms to me and to them that they have heard me, understand me, and are "on the job". I used to accept whatever they said as confirmation but the water would get muddy when the job wasn't done. I would get, oh, I didn't hear you, or I misunderstood you....
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Aggie gal
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One thing I am thankful for is that we started our children responding with "yes?" when l call their name vs. "what?".
We do a lot of what others have posted also. I must say that I am a bit of a manners zealot though. When dc friends come over I pretty much insist (in a non-invasive way) that they use the same manners as my children when dealing with me, each other, and other adults (even their own parents). It's been comical at times to see some of the reactions I get, but 99% of the time the kids (and adults )jump right on board and don't have a problem with it. It's just a bit sad to me when a child will tow the rope at my house, but will go back to his own home and be ugly in action or words to his family.
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DianaC
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| Posted: July 21 2008 at 9:46am | IP Logged
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Quote:
| I've always felt that good manners involve actions you take that show you're thinking of the needs and comfort of others. |
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I agree with this - I think this statement embodies what we all strive for when we try to 'teach' manners.
I can't take credit for this: my DD was born with a very generous, nurturing spirit - we can all take lessons from her! She also has a pure, child-like faith. We recently visited a small parish and attended Mass. As we were leaving the church, a couple of ladies approached my daughter and commented on what nice manners she had at mass and that she was "an inspiration to them". Comments like these from other people not only let our children know that people see and are aware of how they behave, but also cement the behaviors in a way that our "teaching" can never equal.
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sewcrazy
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We struggle here with manners. Attitude crept in and then took root while I was inattentive. Now we are digging the problems out.
For "punishment" we use a combo of writing and extra chores. I have the book "Proverbs for Parenting" and will have them copy appropriate verses, and then they have to pull a chore from my "Discipline Jar". Its an old pickly jar filled with note cards listing less than pleasant chores.
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LeeAnn
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Cultivating well mannered children
