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Angie Mc
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| Posted: June 16 2008 at 5:03pm | IP Logged
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Or should I call this topic, "How to be a good friend efficiently and effectively when your highest obligations and duties to God and vocation leave little free and flexible time"  ?
In addition to how you show your friendship, what are ways others have shown friendship to you that you appreciated?
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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MaryM
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This is a very good question, Angie. I know many times I am not a very good friend - well I am a good friend - just not at showing it or being consistent in staying on contact when I get busy. So I look forward to the ideas people will post.
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Mary M. in Denver
Our Domestic Church
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teachingmyown
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I am a terrible friend!  I truly struggle to keep my head above water so much of the time, that although I think of my friends, and pray for my friends, especially when I know they need it, I do a poor job of keeping in contact and physically reaching out to them.
One goal I have, that I rarely achieve, is to make Fridays my "touch base" day. I was doing it well for a few weeks, but too often forgot. My goal is to send out emails to friends and family just to check in. I also try to call one friend. Phone calls are SO hard for me. I just can't seem to keep peace while I am on the phone.
I wish I were more spontaneous, like Ruth, for example. More than once, she has gone out of her way to bring me a meal or groceries when she heard I was having a rough time. We live about 30 minutes apart. My dear friend Kathy (seven2hold) occasionally sends a card just to let me know she is thinking of me. They are both just as busy as I am, yet they do a better job than I showing their friendship.
Looking forward to other ideas!
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In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
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marihalojen
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I like to pick up those $3 bouquets at the grocers and leave them in my friend's Florida room. other times I'll take the tacky plastic wrap off and roll the flowers up in tissue paper a la Martha. It really does look so much better!
In return she's dropped gardenia blossoms or plumeria in my car window when I'm in the store. It is so cool to come out bearing groceries in arms and open the door to be greeted with the lovely smell of those flowers!
I never do the expensive bouquets because I'm leaving them outside in the heat and she has a hedge of gardenias and a plumeria tree so both of these things are much more about the thought and the action than $$$.
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: June 19 2008 at 6:20pm | IP Logged
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OK...what does this tell us that this topic received 3 comments while how we take our tea received 30...so far? 
I'm thinking that maybe I'm not the only one who is struggling with this. Like Mary and Molly alluded, I'm not even sure what makes me a good friend anymore although I've been blessed with such good friends!
Molly and Jennifer, thanks for sharing your sweet ideas. Can we all brainstorm some more ideas together?
Here are my limitations. I rarely make phone calls and I don't use my cell phone (other than to coordinate with my dh and dc.) I email...but not really just to chat (I chat here!) I'm terrible with details, especially dates (can't keep birthdays straight, etc.) I do like to cook and share meals but I live so far away from my friends. I hate to shop (unless its online) and am gift-giving impaired  . Hmmmmmmmmm...not pretty!
Yet, in spite of myself, I have good friends and I want to treat them right. Like Molly, I dream of being more spontaneous (although I've never been spontaneous) but I probably need to accept that I'll need to plan something.
Thanks!
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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stefoodie
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Angie Mc wrote:
| Here are my limitations. I rarely make phone calls and I don't use my cell phone (other than to coordinate with my dh and dc.) I email...but not really just to chat (I chat here!) I'm terrible with details, especially dates (can't keep birthdays straight, etc.) I do like to cook and share meals but I live so far away from my friends. I hate to shop (unless its online) and am gift-giving impaired . Hmmmmmmmmm...not pretty! |
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I haven't posted because this is exactly me. I *want* to, but I just get so busy with daily life (and now with the pregnancy) that I really can't keep up. When I was single I had all my birthday greeting cards for 100+ friends to send them to, arranged by date in a shoebox, so that I never forget. Sometimes I would pre-stamp and pre-address them, so that when mailing time comes I would have more time to write a longer note (or even a 2-3 page letter to accompany the card). My friends said that out of everyone who left home I was the only one who was still sending birthday cards every year for several years. Fast forward to me now married and with 4 (going on 5) kids, and I rarely if ever send anyone anything anymore, save Christmas and/or Easter cards. And with form letters at that. I hate being impersonal but most of the time it's either that or nothing.
And I hate having shallow friendships. You know, the ones where you say hi, hello, how are you, oh you're doing great, that's good, goodbye.... but at the same time I don't have time anymore to chat with people on the phone -- the "do what it takes" to develop that relationship. There are a few local people that I see almost every week from our Couples for Christ group, but beyond that it's almost impossible to plan anything with anyone else.
And online friendships are especially hard for me. That's why I gave up food blogging -- too many people were starting to depend on me for answers, and oftentimes friendship too, but I just couldn't do that anymore and still be there when my family needs me.
If there are any online friendships I do want to maintain it's here at the forum, but even here I'm frequently at a loss as to how, logistically, it's possible to be a REAL friend to people. My best answer is prayer.
I think and pray for all of you often. But I know people also need something tangible... sigh...
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Mary Chris
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Probably not very well.....
One of the things I love about summer is I get to visit with my friends. I love swimteam because I get all my socializing for the year done in 6 weeks. These are more my neighborhood friends, not my bosom buddies. Although I am extra lucky and some of my very good friends have children on the team also.
Most of my friends children are friends with my children, so sometimes when there is a playdate, we all get to play. Those are my favorite kinds of playdates.
I'm not great at making phone calls anymore, we are all too busy, but I try to call sometimes. I know how happy I am when someone calls me, why would my friends be any different.
Showing friendship, I think I am more of an act of service type....I'll offer to drive children, or pick something up at the store. I really stink at writing notes, I wish I could be better at that.
I'll have to think on this more
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Blessings, Mary Chris Beardsley
mom to MacKenzie3/95, Carter 12/97 Ronan 3/00 and wife to Jim since 1/92
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Cay Gibson
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Angie,
I happen to remember a very special "retreat tea" envelope I received in the mail from you...not that long ago. It was very "sweet" and "friendly". 
I haven't really thought of this subject before. I do try to cook meals for friends near-by if they have a baby or have a hospital episode.
I'm not much of a phone person either...though you'd all have been shocked today to see me with the cell phone rooted into my ear.
I do have this to add. I grew up in a very sanitarily clean house. Everything had its place and everything was orderly. There was no room for "dust collectors". So I grew up thinking of gifts and tokens and momentoes as "dust collectors" (basically). And I always felt there was something more. Something I was missing.
Of course my parents did <edited> not mean anything "unthoughtful" in this manner of raising me. In their way, they felt that people should not spend on frivolous spending. I often heard them say, "I wish they would have kept their money. Their children might need it."
And, having had parents raised during the depression years, this was the way most people in this area thought and were raised. Frivolous spending (even for friends) was snubbed at. And my parents have always raised my brother and I with, "We appreciate it, honey...really. But don't spend your money on us."
So watching my aunt and her thoughtfulness through the years has probably been my first and greatest lesson in hospitality. My aunt has always a knack for selecting the "perfect" gift and has very thoughtful ways. One year I sent all my maternity clothes to my cousin (her daughter) to wear and my aunt, in appreciation, sent me a beautiful springtime-painted tin tray filled with a bag of bonbons and a little wooden birdhouse.
Getting back to "dust collectors" and items that "take up space" though, I have definitely changed the theory I was raised with. I have been pleasantly surprised by gifts sent to me by friends and I love each and every one of those symbol of a friend's thoughtfulness and love.
And I know that friendly gestures and expressions don't always have to do with money.
Just this week I received a lovely card in the mail from a 4Real and IRL friend on this list. Her taking the time to pick out a card and send it to me touched my heart deeply.
But I'm thinking of a piece I just read by Sally Clarkson that spoke to my heart about gift giving. I'll see if I can find it.
Hubby is home so I must run. No time to proof...
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Cay Gibson
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Rachel May
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Mary Chris wrote:
| Probably not very well..... |
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This is absolutely not true; don't you believe it.
My love language is quality time, so I always think of keeping in touch as the way to be a good friend. So, I try to identify whether my friends are email or phone types since most of my friends aren't close by. Once I have that figured out, I try to make sure that I keep in touch with them that way. How close of friends and what life is throwing at me decides how frequently we communicate. A few people get the occasional hand written letter, but that's pretty infrequent.
I like to write down b'days in my phone book so taht I can remember to send a b'day greeting, but I don't remember to do it often enough.
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juststartn
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I've taken to writing notes---maybe email, maybe "irl" on actual paper (I really really like the notecards and stationary from Small Meadow Press--someone here posted that and I went and bought some--LOVE IT!  ).
I do try to call, but most of my friends have littles like I do, so it is hard for us to find a good time (esp as we span time zones from PT to ET...) for all of us to chat. Email, and snail mail letters are good. I prefer to sit and write my snail mail letters in the evenings after the dc are (presumably) down for the night. They get a little "gift" of pretty paper and an update on us that they can read and re-read at their leisure, and I can get a chance to sit and relax and "chat" with them--although not irl around my kitchen table as I'd like....
I'm getting to where I like to do thoughtful gifts, as I can. Not very often--I live in the boonies, which I don't mind, of course, but it does make it hard to find those little things--plus, we're brokeish these days.
I do keep dates and such written down in my address book, and try to transfer them to my annual calendar, but it is hard.
Rachel
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SuzanneG
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I saw this book at Sophia Institute Press and thought of this thread:
The Art of Being a Good Friend: How to bring out the best in your friends and in yourself
Quote:
One of the soul’s purest and greatest pleasures
No matter how many friends you have, and how close you think you are to them, you probably aren’t aware of the tremendous spiritual importance of true friendship — and of how crucial it is to keeping your head and your soul in our neo-pagan society.
Author Hugh Black argues that it’s actually spiritually dangerous to let friendships remain on the superficial level that all too many people settle for nowadays — doing no more with their friends than going shopping or watching a football game together. He maintains that when you take friendship for granted and don’t give it the care it deserves, you turn your back on a God-given source of spiritual vitality, joy, and comfort. But don’t despair! Black shows you how to transform superficial friendships into soul-nourishing relationships, bringing them from shallowness and frivolity to a deep communion of mind and heart — a communion that will become for you (and for them) a means for spiritual growth.
Spiritual guidance for good friends — and for married couples, too
If you’re married, you’ll find here new ways to appreciate the gift God has given to you in your spouse. If you already enjoy the blessings of other mature and spiritually oriented friendships, you’ll discover innumerable ways to make them richer, so that they’ll approach the full, unbounded love that David had for Jonathan, that St. Francis de Sales had for St. Jane Frances de Chantal, and that Christian friends throughout the ages have enjoyed as they encounter the light of Christ that shines in the souls of other human beings.
Best of all, you’ll learn how to seek friendship with God. As you discover the joys of this friendship that transcends death and as you enrich your friendships here on earth, you’ll come to see how truly Black speaks when he says that “no one would care to live without friends, even if he had all other good things.”
Among the many things you will learn inThe Art of Being a Good Friend:
# How true friendship can give you a complete education in the art of living
# Do you really have any friends at all? Surprising ways to tell the difference between mere acquaintances and genuine friends
# Scripture’s shrewd warnings about the pitfalls of socializing — and its high view of friendship
# Why the wisest people through the ages have valued friendship so much
# Unrequited love: how you can turn it into a source of holy joy — no matter how painful it may be
# Why you’ll never be truly wise or noble without genuine friendship
# How friendship leads to a fuller life, and even transcends death — so that you can maintain Christian communion with your departed friends
# Common ways you can unintentionally destroy friendships — how to guard against them
# Two things you must have, or you’ll never make and keep true friends
# And much more that will bring you friendship’s blessings! |
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Erin
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To listen is the most important thing, like in any relationship. I'm a phone person so alot of my friendships are maintained that way. although I am trying to cut down here because it does mean my time with my children can suffer I'm trying to get into the habit of quick emails.
My dh has always been a big way to say don't talk on the phone go and meet with them. So now I'm trying to meet up with friends with my children and hers. It is harder in our busy lives but actually very soothing a slower pace that reminds me of how it was when I only had a couple of little ones.
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stacykay
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One of the things I do (same as others) is send hand-written notes. Three of my dearest friends live out of state, so we send letters. My oldest friend and I have been writing each other for almost 36 years (she moved from MI when we were 11.) My last b'day, she sent me about 25 letters I had written to her over the years. It was so fun to hears the words of my 11+yo self. Lots of memories...Now I am sending her 25 letters she wrote me for her birthday (I have a box of her old letters, numbering over 170.)
Rachel, I checked out "Small Meadow Press" but it is going out of business! I can't find writing papers anywhere. Would love some suggestions.
Other ideas (most already mentioned):
-phone calls
-remembrances (cards/Mass cards/etc.)for anniversaries of mom/dad/daughter/son
(one year I sent a purple Job's tear rosary for friend whose mom loved purple.)
-one mom I know has close friends who will drop off a cup of coffee when she has stressful days (she is known for her love of coffee. )
-praying for each others' intentions
-small gift of a flowering plant for "those" days
-a cd of a talk that would be uplifting or helpful to friend
-time out for a quick lunch
-attending women's talk/religious talk with friend
If I come up with more, I will add on...life is calling me now.
God Bless,
Stacy in MI
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florasita
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I show / have shown my friendship by being truthful in hard situations . not everyone values this but my true friends do
I really have great friends who really stand by me in adversity , hard times , they are also all very open and honest My friends all stood by me and beleived me in times when dealing with issues of abuse when many did not .
truth is the one thing I truly value because then my trust can be built on that .
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: May 04 2010 at 8:41pm | IP Logged
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Thanks for bumping this, Suzanne. I'm glad to report that I have a few things I can add to this list since the OP.
January, a friend and I made a pact to get together for a meal once a month for the year. Our paths don't cross naturally so this started as something very practical. Now, it is turning into something fun and a bit challenging! For example, one month we were to meet on the last day of the month for a leisurely dinner when things went haywire. We quickly changed plans and had a quick lunch together at one of our homes. We were so proud of ourselves...we kept the streak alive  .
Roxie reminded me of another way to show friendship...to hang in there with friends when tragedy and/or long suffering happens. Our family was hit with a terrible storm and there were several friends who really hung in there with us. We've been able to hang in there with them too, when they faced/face serious troubles. Not everyone can do that...some friends scatter under the pressure.
I'm so blessed to have lived in the same location for 6 years now...the longest stay in my married life! Having this time to develop long-standing friendships has been such a blessing.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: How do you show your friendship?
