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amyable
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| Posted: June 11 2008 at 3:15pm | IP Logged
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I know I can't be the only one who has "tapes" from her past play in her head when something happens.
As an example, yesterday I removed the new Slip 'N' Slide from our lawn, only to realize that having it out there for a whole day was a whole day too long.  I killed a large and long strip of grass. Immediately the tapes start playing, "How stupid! Dh is gonna kill me. How could I do this? What am I going to do! He's going to hate me and I'm going to be in so. much. trouble."
But here's the thing. It's *not* dh that makes me feel like that, far from it! It's my parents!! My dad really WOULD have had a fit and then not let me forget it (and I messed up my fair share  ). They are good people but it was always necessary to walk on eggshells at home.
So fast forward many more years than I'd like to count and here I am still reacting as if I have to go inside and tell my dad I ruined the lawn. Dh was fine with it (especially because he knows how I struggle with this stuff) but the tape still plays on, and I wonder just at what point he *won't* be OK with things, YKWIM? Just how many times can I make mistakes before it's one too many?
Knowing God still loves me helps, praying helps, guessing that since dh loves me everything will be OK helps, but still the tightness in the pit of my stomach remains! (and the 2' x 20' stretch of dead lawn )
So what works for YOU to erase the bad in your head and replace it with things more in line with reality? Do you find it hard?
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Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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Lisbet
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| Posted: June 11 2008 at 3:44pm | IP Logged
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Amy, I think you and I had the same childhood. I still worry about what my parents will think over every little thing. I wish I knew how to 'erase' it myself.
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: June 11 2008 at 4:41pm | IP Logged
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I'm not sure of how to erase it.. but if you could perhaps give yourself something new to "play".. so that you can stop those "tapes" and say.. nope, that's not true and "play" what is true.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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4 lads mom
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| Posted: June 11 2008 at 5:31pm | IP Logged
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Amy, and all of us who suffer like this...I certainly do as well...
I had a very wise priest, who was giving a talk to our hs moms' prayer group, say that most women, being melancholic, do this a lot...the negative self talk, self berating.....and he said what we should do is during our prayer time..and throughout the day, pray in thanksgiving to God for making us in His Image and Beauty. We need to love ourselves since we are made in His Image! This is a very orthodox priest, who wasn't talking about new agey "I'm terrific, no matter what I do, I am so great!!" It was meant like, "I am LOVED by GOD..enough that He chose ME to make in HIS Image...that is incredible, and I love Him for it." It takes the heat off being "perfect" and feeling like the love will be removed if we mess up..that isn't the Truth at all.
It still brings tears to my eyes everytime I think of this..and pray it...I have a hard time loving "myself". When you grow up with some varying forms of dysfunctionality (holy cow, is that a word?!?, and especially if you are a melancholic female...I think it is so easy to "play the tapes".
Take heart...you are so not alone.
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Mom of four brave lads and one sweet lassie
Scenes From This and That
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Matilda
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A very wise and wonderful friend once told me that when those conversations with yourself start in your head whether they be just with yourself or with someone (or something; ex...that darned slide) else you should immediately turn your conversation to God. Don't argue with yourself. Talk to Him. Not necessarily in prayer, just in conversation. Have that conversation with Him. I have tried this and it really makes a difference. I am much harder on myself than anyone else. Give yourself permission to make mistakes. Those of us who grew up with emotional vampires know what a huge hurdle that is!
In the case of the water slide, wasn't the joy worth more the grass anyway? 
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Charlotte (Matilda)
Mom to four (11, 10 , 9 & 5 ) an even split for now
with bookend boys and a double girl sandwich
Waltzing Matilda
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KC in TX
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| Posted: June 11 2008 at 7:46pm | IP Logged
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Matilda wrote:
A very wise and wonderful friend once told me that when those conversations with yourself start in your head whether they be just with yourself or with someone (or something; ex...that darned slide) else you should immediately turn your conversation to God. Don't argue with yourself. Talk to Him. Not necessarily in prayer, just in conversation. Have that conversation with Him. I have tried this and it really makes a difference. I am much harder on myself than anyone else. Give yourself permission to make mistakes. Those of us who grew up with emotional vampires know what a huge hurdle that is!
In the case of the water slide, wasn't the joy worth more the grass anyway? |
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This is great advice, Matilda. I'll have to do this (even during those real conversations as a way to tune out).
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KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
Mama to LB ('98)
Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
The Cabbage Patch
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hopalenik
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I have a book that I would strongly encourage you to purchase and read once this year and again in a year or so....Feeling Good by Dr. Burns. I know the title sounds horrible and the subtitle makes it sound even worse-The New Mood therapy....
This book and confession changed my life. Dr. Burns premise is that what you think influences how you feel. If you think angry thoughts you will be angry. Now he wrote this lovely book, telling you how to eliminate those thoughts. 5 years ago when I read the book, I discovered that I had lived a life of manic depression at borderline suicide according to psychologists (which I will never ever go near). I realized that as far back as I could remember I had always thought and felt that way, but after I read this book and went to confession and then reread it a year later well, I know longer experience anxiety, depression or play those tracks in my head. The angry part-well I am so good at yet. I believe that about 90% of what he says jives with Catholicism and what doesn't is pretty obvious. I can't recommend this book more highly.
Sincerely,
__________________
Holly
Mom to dd 10, twins dd and ds (transplant as baby that failed 05/09, permanent dialysis patient) 8 , dd 5 and dd 3 1/2 and dd in Feb 2009. 2 I hope to meet in heaven.
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LucyP
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Hmmm, well I make my own dh miserable by being utterly sure that he will one day reject me, as my dad did. My dad rejected me because of my medical condition, and I never ever believe that dh really loves me. Actually most of the time I assume he is planning for a better second wife.
I want to know how to erase that tape too. Cognitive behavioural therapy helped me somewhat, and I sort of ammnended it so I was using BIble verses as my positive thought track, but it is so hard to get at that bit that is nailed to your soul in childhood.
I will say a prayer for you.
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MaryM
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It can be really hard for those in our lives (children and spouses especially) who get the effects of those negative tapes we're playing in our heads. It takes effort not to project old feelings/experiences from those relationships onto the new ones of our family.
I think there have been so many good ideas expressed here - all great techniques for breaking the old records/tapes. Hey, aren't records and tapes obsolete anyway. It's all about the ipods and personal listenng devices now. We need lots of alternatives as listed above to have on hand so we can just hit "shuffle" and play a different, more positive message in our head.
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Mary M. in Denver
Our Domestic Church
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Angie Mc
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hopalenik wrote:
| according to psychologists (which I will never ever go near). |
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Holly, I'm so sorry for your hurtful experience with a psychologist/s. As the wife of a good one, I agree that we need to be as careful as we can and pray mightily to St. Michael and our guardian angels, as we seek professional care. My dh becomes so sad knowing that there are those in his profession who cause more harm than good  .
This is a very timely topic. For some unknown reason to me, some old tapes are playing again in my mind. The most prominent is "How could you make THAT mistake?" This is all SO frustrating, especially when I thought I had a few of the tapes erased  . Now I'm back to thinking about what I have done in the past that has helped. In addition to the great ideas above, I'll add...
Catching the thoughts quickly is key. It's weird but I'm so used to having these thoughts float in my mind that I often don't even notice them. They just sorta sneak in and whisper in the background, undermining me.
Pray, "In the name of Jesus, be gone!" The thoughts are not the truth, which means they are not from God. They need to go!
I call my dh. Just last night at 10:15 pm I realized that I forgot to place a grocery order that was due at 10:00 pm. It had been a long day and this was a final blow..."How could I make THAT mistake?" Fortunately, my brain kicked in and I called my dh (who is out of town.) He answered the phone and I said something like, "I need your help. I just forgot to place the grocery order. I can feel my anxiety shooting through the roof. Can you please stop me from wasting my energy on could'a, would'a, should'as?" Sometimes I just need a sane and reassuring voice to blot out the tape.
I have also said an emergency Memorare novena, begging for help.
These tapes are so dangerous. They undermine our relationship with God and with our loved ones if we don't take care.
Let's pray for each other, OK?
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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MarilynW
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MaryM wrote:
It can be really hard for those in our lives (children and spouses especially) who get the effects of those negative tapes we're playing in our heads. It takes effort not to project old feelings/experiences from those relationships onto the new ones of our family.
I think there have been so many good ideas expressed here - all great techniques for breaking the old records/tapes. Hey, aren't records and tapes obsolete anyway. It's all about the ipods and personal listenng devices now. We need lots of alternatives as listed above to have on hand so we can just hit "shuffle" and play a different, more positive message in our head. |
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Love this Mary.
I was going to say too - that the often the playing of old tapes affects those we love - I know that I often find myself reacting to my children in a way that I was reacted too as a child - and which is something I really did not want to do - and I have to make a conscious effort to break the pattern.
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Marilyn
Blessed with 6 gifts from God
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Matilda
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Angie,
Please tell your husband "thank you" from the bottom of my heart for the work he does. The help a good Catholic therapist (or psychologist) can do is amazing. We have a few of these wonderful people here in our area and I know so many others who have been blessed by their skills in helping to heal the wounds of the mind, heart and soul in a way that so beautifully compliments our faith, not working against it. I never would have thought I would have been such a supporter of "therapy" but when you are in a really bad place, the right therapist can help you change your life/thoughts/habits for the better!
__________________
Charlotte (Matilda)
Mom to four (11, 10, 9 & 5) an even split for now
with bookend boys and a double girl sandwich
Waltzing Matilda
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SallyT
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Wow . . . and I thought I was going off the deep end by myself. Not that any of us really is (I hope and pray), but you know what I mean. We've been going through a rough patch, inspired I'm sure by the upcoming move, plus (I think) a lot of emotional sluice-gates opening after five years of unrelenting stress of various kinds, and I've been replaying those tapes, loudly, which doesn't help. I need to stop. Thanks to all for your words of wisdom and the book recommendation.
Sally
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hylabrook1
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MaryM - your comments about the effect of these old tapes on our families who have to live with a wife/mother who is listening to these old, terrible messages is SO true!
I have fears and anxieties (sp? that doesn't look right) similar to Lucy's. I know they don't come from the realities of my relationship with dh, but from experiences with my mother. Still, my poor dh too often has to bear the brunt of my treating him like someone who is about to leave me off to one side and move on to someone better. These tapes are very destructive.
You are so right, Angie, that I have to rebuke these thoughts because they are lies! And they come from the *father of lies*!
I think we have the book Holly recommended somewhere around this house; I'll have to find it and read it, as well as praying more about this issue and getting to confession.
You ladies have shared some great advice here. Thank you all for your openness.
Peace,
Nancy
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Willa
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I've had to really work on recording-over the old tapes, Amy. You know, my parents weren't the ones who recorded most of the tapes. The better part of them were taped at school -- I had some rather strange teachers. One of them had a mental breakdown right after the year I was in her third grade class (and not because of me, either ;-)). And since we moved every year, it was difficult to built up any level of commitment with the other kids in the school. Some of them were pretty mean ... Lord of the Flies type situation.
I can hear the most horrible tapes playing when I mess up or somehow get outside the margin-- and have to be very diligent about changing the message. For me, the worst messages play when I'm out in public interacting -- probably because that was when most of the negative tapes got made in the first place.
What great advice from everyone. It does take time, though. Part of the problem is that you tend to BELIEVE the negative tracks, so you don't think you SHOULD erase them. It's sort of like one of those abusive relationships -- or like Smeagol and Gollum. You talk yourself into continuing the unhealthy pattern.
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Willa
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Angel
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I'm not sure I have any other suggestions, but I think maybe I will look for that book. A lot of my negative tapes originate in my own innate perfectionism coupled with a childhood in which demonstrated love, affection, and unconditional acceptance were hard to come by. I was just trying to explain some of this to my dh the other day, because all this negativity has a tendency to get really bad when life is otherwise hard: I'm not getting any sleep, kids are sick, he's out of town a lot... in other words, when life is less than perfect. I honestly have no idea what sane standards -- in practically anything -- are, and I'm constantly apologizing for -- well, basically everything. My mother had (has) this thing where she takes out her frustration, anger, etc. on the people around her instead of taking it to whoever or whatever is causing it. When I was growing up, she was mostly mad at my father, except I never knew that. All I knew was that I could never really make her happy and she seemed to be angry at me a lot. My dh is my sanity check when it comes to things like this, but I have had to explain to him that whenever he isn't happy -- and who can really be happy all the time? -- I always feel like it is my fault.
Thinking about it now, I'm pretty sure that a few things have helped me outgrow *some* of the worst guilt/negative tapes. The first thing is probably just being able to talk about it with my dh, and to know that he knows -- or can be reminded of -- the basis of a lot of my more dysfunctional behavior. So he's not reacting to me like I'm well-balanced or anything.  Then I think one of the other things that has helped me is all the reading I have done about perfectionism in relation to my kids. (Unfortunately I don't have any particular resources to recommend; most of this stuff is peppered through various books on parenting and educating gifted kids.) And then it's also helped me to realize that some of it, for me, is probably mild OCD... or "hyperfocus" (discussed in Drive to Distraction, an excellent book about adult ADD)... and knowing that these tendencies are also part of my character has helped me to step back and take a deep breath and realize what is (or may be) going on.
I have recently begun seeing these tapes as *temptations* ,however -- although I'm not sure what I'm getting out of them when I replay them? -- and saying an Our Father, with a heavy emphasis on "Lead us not into temptation" will sometimes help break the cycle.
My deepest fear remains that I am instilling further negative tapes in my children, especially my daughter. It can be paralyzing after a while, you know?
--Angela
Three Plus Two
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Stephanie_Q
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I'm very much this way, as well. The writings of St. Francis de Sales are really great. "How to Profit From Your Faults" by Joseph Tissot uses much of St. Francis de Sales teachings in this book. I recommend it so much that I'm going to provide a link to it.
On the lighter side, here is something positive you can "play" instead: Everyone Makes Mistakes. 
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Stephaniedh 6.01
dd 6.02, dd 8.03, ds 3.05, ds 12.06 at Catholic school.
dd 12.09 at home.
Baby boy due 10.13
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Angie Mc
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Amy, thank you for starting this topic and thank you to all who contributed. Having your thoughts and prayers on this topic on my mind helped me tremdously this weekend! Yikes...the stuff that was free-floating through my head . It was great to come off of the weekend feeling less reactive and more gentle with myself.
My prayers continue for us to erase these tapes so that Love's true voice can speak!
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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CrunchyMom
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Stephanie_Q wrote:
I'm very much this way, as well. The writings of St. Francis de Sales are really great. "How to Profit From Your Faults" by Joseph Tissot uses much of St. Francis de Sales teachings in this book. I recommend it so much that I'm going to provide a link to it.
On the lighter side, here is something positive you can "play" instead: Everyone Makes Mistakes. |
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I was just reading Introduction to the Devout Life, and St. FdS wrote, "We must not be disturbed a our imperfections , since for us perfection consists in fighting against them."
Not exactly the same thing addressed above in that I think that the "tapes" are often playing lies! BUT, I find that often the impetus for negative and despairing thoughts can be a legitimate mistake or fault I have, and that quote was really encouraging and challenging to me all at once.
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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LLMom
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This has been on my mind a lot lately. I will probably have to contantly battle these feelings.
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Lisa
For veteran & former homeschool moms
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Topic: Erasing the negative "tapes" in our heads
