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hereinantwerp
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| Posted: June 03 2008 at 1:15pm | IP Logged
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OK, I need some wisdom and encouragement, and help "processing"--I posted here vs. on the main real learning forum b/c I didn't want this to be so "front and center", it gets a bit personal, but I respect the wisdom of the ladies on this forum and would appreciate input. All the homeschoolers in my church have eventually transitioned to public school, so I feel like that is the perspective I get locally!
I put my boys in school in January. The reason I did this, is because I was personally overwhelmed--by issues in my life (a bit more re. that in a minute), by conflict and bickering at home, and just not having the energy to do school at all, resenting it . . . I believe the Lord led very clearly in this decision, specifically regarding the older one (the middle guy was more of an impulse decision! But it has turned out well).
At the root of this decision is perhaps some out-of-the-norm issues, I have been struggling with some severe sexual abuse issues, which I've always sort of known were there, but the actual memories really surfaced when I was pregnant with our little girl. And it was all much more horrifying and bigger than I had guessed at. It's been a long journey. There were a few years where I was on the edge of my sanity, not even wanting to live because the pain was so deep. Because of my commitment to my children harming myself was not an option to me. When I hit rock bottom, Jesus was always there. In a way I miss those times of deep, personal revelation--of seeing his face!!! I homeschooled through these years!! In our location overseas, there was no other good option, and it felt like a trap. Life was fairly chaotic b/c mom was chaotic--in the worst times I would just lose it sometimes and need to go on a walk or just to bed for several hours to try and pull it together. Just hard times on the family. I have an AMAZING husband, he has born so much of the burden when I "fall apart."
Well, I'm not in that "emergency stage" anymore. We sought counseling in Belgium, decided to come back, I'm on medication and have gotten some WONDERFUL help here, I'm sooooooo thankful, I'm enjoying SOME stability, and just----peace inside-----for the first time in my life!! I'm tearing up as I write that, because it is really true and it is so amazing to me. But I still feel sad sometimes. I don't think that will ever change, because it won't ever be as if horrible things did not happen. I still get overwhelmed easily--more easily than most people. Keeping that emotional stability is still a battle, though I've learned a lot more skills.
After rest and time to pray pray pray, I realize homeschooling is still my dream for my family. I can remember reading "For the children's sake," and it was like reading my heart on a page, the kind of life I wanted for my children (and for myself!! recapturing things, maybe!) For a time in this healing process I questioned if homeschooling was some kind of ideal I had taken on that really didn't fit for me, a "duty"--you know all those perfect looking families on the magazine covers with eight perfect little children lined up in a row, all so----WHOLESOME----and my life has been dominated by a battle with such darkness, I can never ever live up to some of these images----maybe homeschooling was like that, too, something unrealistic I just needed to let go-----but no. I think it isn't that. I think it really is MY dream. I am just not sure if-----
I totally lack confidence now!!! Did I "damage" my kids by keeping them home, with my unstability and outbursts of anger (which was really rooted in other things) and etc. and etc.???? If I try to take on homeschooling again, will it be too much, send me over the edge? I just feel like I don't know anything anymore. My heart longs for the whole----homemaking, mothering, homeschooling LIFE. All I have ever wanted to be, more than anything, is a MOTHER. But it has been so hard for me--pregnancy, birth (not to mention what begins it all!!), nursing was impossible because despite praying for 9 months straight I still couldn't bear the sensation---I have these dreams, but I feel so frustrated in them!! And then I put pressure on myself, because I "fail", at the things that matter most to me.
The other thing is, my boys are doing really well in school. I have been so impressed by the school here. My older one needed the structure for his time, I just couldn't provide that for him the last few years, and him sitting up in his room cultivating a bad mood was not a good thing---he is highly intellectual and bored, but he just does not take initiative to do things. And I'm realizing he LIKES a structured program, textbooks and tests and grades and all that. That is so not me! But maybe it works for him. My younger one who is distinctly NOT academic, nevertheless has received so much help at school (extra reading, speech), and made such good progress this year. He seems to need someone really working with him diligently, and I wasn't able to be consistant with that, either. They both like school. I like that the parents and teachers are so involved, they really know your kids. Is this just a provision from the Lord, and I need to accept it, even if it isn't my "ideal"??? I feel like I don't know anymore, I can't discern!
I miss what they're NOT getting---wonderful, rich, classic read alouds, living books, etc. I thought we'd have time for that in the evenings, but we really don't. I crave more time, especially with my younger son, to just instill things in them--the good, the beautiful, and the true. As "christian" as the community is here, this is just not what a public school curriculum is all about--it is about skills and tests. I admit I am weak on the "skills", and diligence aspect of homeschooling. But we are not just machines that need to be competant in skills!! We are SOULS. This is the whole heart of why I want to homeschool. I would also love to see my boys pursue and develop areas of interest, and really pursue the kingdom of God----that isn't going to happen in public school, either!
I'm feeling so confused. I know no one here is going to have an "answer" for me, that wouldn't even be appropriate! But I would like to hear your thoughts. Especially in regard to trying to school with the emotional weaknesses/struggles--if anyone has experience with that. Thank you.
__________________
Angela Nelson
Mother to Simon (13), Calvin (9), and Lyddie Rose (3)
my blog: live and learn
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LisaR
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| Posted: June 03 2008 at 1:36pm | IP Logged
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Angela! I have been wondering about you. I want to let you know I am praying for you and your family. I've homeschooled through severe health,pregnancy, financial, and psychological (later found out hormonal) issues.
I've homeschooled through dysfunctional family moving ALL the way across the country and literally into my backyard.
HOWEVER, I also put my oldest ds in catholic high school this past year.
he is very similar to how you describe your oldest ds. the competition and "pressure" coming externally motivates him, and self-teaching/being mom's helper at home all day just was not.
I don;t have any magic answers but this is one bit of wisdom I have tried to cling to and I think it is finally becoming a part of my life! 
practice being in the present moment.
that's it.
I ask God continually to help me minute by minute get through each day, and also I do not allow myself to react/respond/get down about the past in any way.
I try to be grateful for today, and not anticipate tomorrow.
I try to remain even and steady and not react/respond to dysfunction that comes my way (either IRL or in the form of fear/bad memories)
I thank God that He gave me an intellect and a free will, and just as we can use it to choose to homeschool, we can choose to send our dc to school.
WIth homeschooling, I try to seek out support online/IRL with others in similar situations as me.
with one ds in school, I have souht out and found a great network of authentically Catholic families who have dc in school with my ds.
same with raising a family. I seek out support from the mom who has 5, or 6!! boys, or who has more/older dc than mine.
I am praying that you might have a network that is of support to you.
one interesting way that ds continues to "educate" himself is that every morning before school this year he would read ALL of the library books we had checked out that week.
no matter that many were picture books/easy readers, etc. he read them all, and enjoyed it!
Instead of reminiscing and feeling sad that ds is not around to join in on homeschooling, I am grateful that I instilled that spark and love of learning and that the interest is still there, at 6:15 on a "school" morning!
Lots of prayers and 
__________________
Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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Vanna
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| Posted: June 04 2008 at 8:12am | IP Logged
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I can't really add more than the great post Lisa made...just know that you are in my prayers.
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hereinantwerp
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| Posted: June 06 2008 at 6:12pm | IP Logged
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LisaR wrote:
practice being in the present moment.
that's it.
I ask God continually to help me minute by minute get through each day, and also I do not allow myself to react/respond/get down about the past in any way.
I try to be grateful for today, and not anticipate tomorrow.
I try to remain even and steady and not react/respond to dysfunction that comes my way (either IRL or in the form of fear/bad memories)
I thank God that He gave me an intellect and a free will, and just as we can use it to choose to homeschool, we can choose to send our dc to school.
WIth homeschooling, I try to seek out support online/IRL with others in similar situations as me.
with one ds in school, I have souht out and found a great network of authentically Catholic families who have dc in school with my ds.
same with raising a family. I seek out support from the mom who has 5, or 6!! boys, or who has more/older dc than mine.
I am praying that you might have a network that is of support to you.
one interesting way that ds continues to "educate" himself is that every morning before school this year he would read ALL of the library books we had checked out that week.
no matter that many were picture books/easy readers, etc. he read them all, and enjoyed it!
Instead of reminiscing and feeling sad that ds is not around to join in on homeschooling, I am grateful that I instilled that spark and love of learning and that the interest is still there, at 6:15 on a "school" morning!
Lots of prayers and
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"in the present moment"---it's a battle, isn't it? I'm trying to learn this "way" but, it is not coming easily. I think I get it "in theory", that's different than when the real daily stresses come up!
today was the boys' last day of school. I can say so far it's been an excellent experience with the school. My younger one shows VAST improvement on the report card I just read, he's been working hard (and happily!!) for his teacher, and he made such gains, without the "fight" we often had at home. As I go over his work, there is a lot of good content there, more "worksheety" than I would do, but not just empty drill and kill--they've done some really neat stuff in history, science, and art. I really am pretty impressed. Maybe school is the right thing for them. But I think a lot of it is the community we are part of in this little town, the school is one part of that.
I feel at peace with, "we'll just wait and see what is best for school in a few months." (I didn't feel that peace a few days ago). For the older one school seems the right choice, for the younger--if he's still really positive and excited about school, I guess I can be at peace to go with it. (At the moment he is excited because the teacher he is appointed to next year has both a lizard and a small dog in the classroom!) My heart wants the younger boy home, but if he is thriving--it is probably best not to change that! I'm hoping to plan some read aloud time, some fun art/craft projects and some "nature" field trips for the summer---hopefully I will have the energy!
And then there's my little girl---my dh has a very different reaction thinking of her going to school some day, more like "over my dead body . . .", LOL!! She and I have such nice, peaceful days reading together and etc. when the boys are gone. I do believe she is God's healing gift for me, helping me to recover my own heart and soul. So I've still got one I can pour my "homeschool dreams" into.
But you're right---just deal with what's on my plate right now, sense what is right for the moment, one thing at a time---
(BTW, I also "catch" my oldest reading books we've checked out from the library--and re-reading many of the literature and history books we read through our homeschool, which I find crammed under his bed! I'm glad at least that part was catching!!)
__________________
Angela Nelson
Mother to Simon (13), Calvin (9), and Lyddie Rose (3)
my blog: live and learn
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Topic: wrestling w/school decision
