4Real Forums: A bit long but any advice?

Oh, Dearest Mother, Sweetest Virgin of Altagracia, our Patroness. You are our Advocate and to you we recommend our needs. You are our Teacher and like disciples we come to learn from the example of your holy life. You are our Mother, and like children, we come to offer you all of the love of our hearts. Receive, dearest Mother, our offerings and listen attentively to our supplications. Amen.

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Topic: A bit long but any advice?

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LucyP
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Posted: May 09 2008 at 7:53am \| IP Logged

I don't know if it is okay to post this here. I have permission but feel better to anonymise it a bit.

There is a situation that I am aware of, where an adult has "woken up" to the fact that behaviour written off for years as "just Mum" was actually abusive, and that X was verbally and physically and emotionally abused until age 16, when X left home. X has spoken to a third party, a professional who has been able to refer X to a counsellor, and hopefully that will be going ahead soon. But the 3rd party warned X that because of the nature of what went on, just starting to process it all will be very traumatic.

X has not made a real emotional break with the abusive mother, who is a widow, and X is the only child who lives near and has transport so X has always been the gopher. X's spouse has a very strained relationship with the mother and the mother rejected the children of the marriage for a while before wanting to see them, but after that X would take the children to visit.

X's spouse now feels really uncomfortable about the taking the children to a house where X was so unhappy and to visit the abusive mother who is not sorry and will not accept she ever did anything wrong.

X and spouse are both Christians, and both unsure of what to do, in relation to the necessity of honouring a parent in these circumstances. The mother's emotional abuse of X goes on - recently she said she never wanted to see X anymore, but then kept phoning without leaving messages, and X feels obliged to take calls. When X last spoke to the mother, she said "why are you upset with me? Is it because I wouldn't let you do a job for me and hired someone to do it?" That is the level the mother operates on - not even understanding the damage she does with her words.

I just don't know what to say in this situation. How do you balance needing to honour a parent with the need (surely it is a need in this case?) to cut ties and be free?

KC in TX
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Posted: May 09 2008 at 8:26am \| IP Logged

I think that X and her family needs to come first. She needs to cut ties or at the very least set some clear boundaries of acceptable behavior. I wouldn't take my children to my mother if she were abusive to me. That's not acceptable.

I'll pray for her situation.

__________________
KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
Mama to LB ('98)
Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)

The Cabbage Patch

chicken lady
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Posted: May 09 2008 at 9:20am \| IP Logged

Honouring does not equal allowing abuse. Praying for all involved!

K&Rs Mom
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Joined: April 14 2008
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Posted: May 09 2008 at 1:36pm \| IP Logged

I think there's a big difference between cutting all ties and allowing X's children with an abusive adult. We have decided that until their behavior changes certain of our parents will not be left alone with our dc. We limit visitation frequency, and make sure one of us is always around, but try not to prejudice our dc against their grandparents. It's a fine balance, and I'm sure we make some mistakes, but that's what works for us.

As far as X being manipulated, I doubt the mother really doesn't recognize the effect of her words. We realized a few years ago with my MIL that she would break into tears when she didn't get her way; since we didn't allow that from our (then) 2yo, we decided it wasn't okay for a 60yo. Once we started ignoring the tears, she began to deal with things in a more rational way (so did the 2yo, eventually). Now that she can't manipulate dh that way, they have a better relationship. He was so focused on "honoring" his parents, that he didn't realize that giving in to her tantrums wasn't helping. IMO, it's more "honoring" to treat them like adults and expect rational behavior, even if that's unpleasant to get to.

Aubrey
Mom to K (5yo) & R (3yo)

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