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chicken lady
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| Posted: Jan 02 2008 at 3:26pm | IP Logged
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So I am in the market, I run into a friend from college, we exchange Holiday greetings etc. Then she says to me, rolling her eyes, acting totally exhausted, " just waiting for school to start again, so I can get on with my life". I (feeling quite sick due to morning sickess), just look at her and say, "I am sorry"! Now I did not mean that to be rude, I am truly sorry for any mother that would make that type of statement.
I ask because my dd was with me, she thought my comment rude! So I will ask here, how would you respond?
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folklaur
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| Posted: Jan 02 2008 at 3:51pm | IP Logged
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See, I am not any help, because that happens to be a personal "pet peeve" of mine. I really, really do feel sorry for people when they say things like that.  I feel so badly for them, and their families, that they feel that way. And then that they expect me to understand & commiserate. Because I don't. 
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Jan 02 2008 at 3:54pm | IP Logged
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Not sure of the age of your daughter.. but when we're feeling bad physically sometimes an innoculous comment comes out with a "bad" tone which can make it seem rude when it's not. How did the person you addressed it to react?
If I have all my wits about me I just tend to point out what may be the real problem.. I don't think everyone sends their kids away because they can't stand 'em nor want to be around 'em.. but rather.. they're overwhelmed with the change in routine (as any of us could be) when school is out of session for very long.
So just nodding and saying something like "yeah those disruptions to your schedule can wear anyone out".
I think of it as the equivalent of what I'd like people to say when I'm having a bad day.. do I really want them critizing my choices because of a bad day that could happen to anyone? How often does a mom of many especially a homeschooling mom if she *gasp* admits to having a bad day hear "it's your own fault for having all those kids" or "if you just put them in school you wouldn't be dealing with this"..
She was obviously having a bad day (or felt like she should be having one) so agreeing with her that the change of routine would wear anyone out.. supports her rather than tells her she's a bad mother for things that are not likely to change over any comment you might have made.
And it might make you a "safe homeschooler" to ask questions of another time.. pretty hard to ask questions like "how do you deal with having the kids at home all the time" if the only homeschoolers you know would gasp that you wouldn't want the kids at home..
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lapazfarm
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| Posted: Jan 02 2008 at 4:45pm | IP Logged
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I guess it depends on the tone you used. "I am sorry" can mean so many things, you know?
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StephanieA
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| Posted: Jan 02 2008 at 5:07pm | IP Logged
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I would have just smiled. How can you explain that being with our kids is actually fun and stimulating? You can't.
Then again, sometimes I am tempted to say, "Oh, really are your kids really that pathetic? 
If my kids were that pathetic, I guess I'd be glad when school started too
Of course, I wouldn't really SAY that and my kids are sometimes rather exasperating (and school SOUNDS tempting at times), but mostly I feel sorry for someone who is missing out on the joys of having their kids around more often.
Then again, I wonder if they REALLY think that, deep-down. Do they really want to get their kids out of the house and out of their lives? Or it is just something to say? I had my in-laws say things on that topic over the holidays and I seriously doubt if they really meant it.
They were supposedly overjoyed to have their youngest children in college and now they have lots of time together as a couple. I am the only one with little ones. I just sat there and smiled, cuddled my nursing 10 month old and revealed in the season of birth.
My smiles and demeanor let them know that while they might enjoy being without their children, I enjoy being with mine. No words were needed. The smiles that Dominic elisited from his teenage and younger siblings were worth more than anything I could have said.
Blessings,
Stephanie
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chicken lady
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| Posted: Jan 02 2008 at 5:20pm | IP Logged
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I think you hit it on the head Stephanie. It is socially acceptable to roll ones eyes and act like children are a problem. I often hear this during the summer months. I suppose with my feeling so ill, I just did not have the patience.
Theresa, I agree with you about the way ones says something. I wish you could hear my tone, it was more surprised than sarcastic.
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Martha
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| Posted: Jan 02 2008 at 8:44pm | IP Logged
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hmm, I would question the child who thinks they get to correct me in such a manner? maybe depends on the age fo the daughter in question... 
it doesn't sound rude to me regardless of your tone.
it sounded honest and sincere and direct.
your dd may have thought it was rude, not because of anything you did or your tone, but simply because of the confused/shocked/unnerved/surprised look on your friend when she heard it? to me that seems far more likely. 
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Red Cardigan
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| Posted: Jan 02 2008 at 9:55pm | IP Logged
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I think sometimes comments like that come out because we're picking up on a negative attitude that's actually directed at us.
I might sometimes, depending on the person that said such a thing, be hearing them say, "Just waiting for school [you know, that place normal people send their kids] to start again [do you people even have schedules?] so I [see, unlike you, I still have an identity] can get on with my life [which is so vastly important and affirming compared to your measly existence].
And then I'd go all redhead on them. Reacting, you see, to the putdown I thought was being implied, instead of to their actual words.
So, all things considered, "I'm sorry" sounds pretty innocuous and not terribly rude. 
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marihalojen
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| Posted: Jan 03 2008 at 8:07am | IP Logged
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This is not really a new thought, think of that old Christmas Carol with the line -
"...and Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again!"
I don't think either one of you were too terribly rude, I see it as wanting to get away from 'sugar cookies' and back to 'normal foods' and expressing that desire to another adult (it was too bad your dd overheard). Within homeschooling circles it might have been expressed as excitement over new plans for the New Year but in schooling circles it might be expressed as getting back into the groove of classes and ball games and pep band...there is so much more to fit into a 24 hour day during December that the return to normal in January can be very appealing!
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chicken lady
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| Posted: Jan 03 2008 at 10:33am | IP Logged
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Martha wrote:
hmm, I would question the child who thinks they get to correct me in such a manner? maybe depends on the age fo the daughter in question...
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WOW thats making quite an assumption! My dc are very welcome to dialog about proper social behaviour. That is my job, as a parent, to model and teach.
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Cay Gibson
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| Posted: Jan 03 2008 at 10:52am | IP Logged
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marihalojen wrote:
| Within homeschooling circles it might have been expressed as excitement over new plans for the New Year but in schooling circles it might be expressed as getting back into the groove of classes and ball games and pep band... |
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'Tis true...us hsers live in a completely different world within a world.
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ladybugs
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| Posted: Jan 03 2008 at 12:37pm | IP Logged
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Actually, I think that your response was fine.
I get comments like that alot - I think people just think it is socially acceptable to say things like that without realizing the message they are sending.
Also, I think that people say things like this when they don't know what to say and feel that they need to say something.
I've actually responded with what you've said...over Christmas I ran into a lady at the grocery store who marveled that my kids are home with me all the time.
I said to her, "Why wouldn't I want to be with them? I mean these are the people I love most in the world?"
I said it with a smile and total enthusiasm! I know it made her think but it was sugar-coated in such a way that we didn't leave her upset - at least not visibly . Truthfully, the words came out of my mouth before I knew what I was saying. Really.
Perhaps you gave your acquaintance some food for thought - maybe more food that she had all Christmas!
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Martha
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| Posted: Jan 03 2008 at 1:52pm | IP Logged
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chicken lady wrote:
WOW thats making quite an assumption! My dc are very welcome to dialog about proper social behaviour. That is my job, as a parent, to model and teach.
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I wasn't assuming anything. Just tossing a possibilty out there. I have no idea what you think I was assuming, but it certainly wasn't that your children shouldn't talk to you about social behavior.
Regardless. I'm sorry if I've mistakenly insulted you and I will refrain from posting a response to you in the future.
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momwise
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| Posted: Jan 04 2008 at 9:39am | IP Logged
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Martha wrote:
I will refrain from posting a response to you in the future. |
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Well, that's an interesting idea. Although I've found it to be easier (when conversing with 1200 of our closest friends  ) to just "forget" the names from those "sticky" situations in the future.
Chicken lady...my dc sometimes feel this way out of a lack of experience. They want (rightly so) to be nice to everyone. But knowing from my own conversion experience (which involved lots of uncomfortable confrontations with my own attitudes toward feminism, children, marriage, etc.) that the Holy Spirit wants to nudge people sometimes, not let them feel comfortable with wrong assumptions, helps us all to deal with "charitable confrontations."
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Topic: How would you respond?
