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hereinantwerp
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hello,
I hope this will not be a controversial topic. I really, really don't mean for it to be. I am as diehard as anyone about the goodness and rightness of homeschool in general!! I just feel I need some wise and godly counsel for my personal situation.
I have struggled for over 2 years with homeschooling (have homeschooled for over 6 years total). At this point I just feel like I'm hitting this realization that "the grace has departed." I just don't know if I have the energy or capacity (or desire!) to do this anymore. I've done all the "burn out prevention" things, over and over. I take breaks. I even took a "sabbatical" last year for several months. I have sought therapy and help for some long term "big issues" in my life, and it is really, really helping me--ironically I'm doing better, and handling "day to day stress" with the kids and etc. better than I ever have. But regarding homeschooling specifically, I have --0-- enthusiasm for it anymore. The energy is just not there. I still have in my head all the "theories" and convictions about homeschooling--I love the theory. But I don't seem to have it in me to DO it!
Things can be fairly negative around here on many days. Anger, conflict with the boys. Yes, we're trying to address it. And I feel like we are addressing it in better ways than ever. But it just isn't working. My older son (12 now, and always a "hard" kid who tends to push for all he can, also highly intelligent and restless), just needs more structure and accountability than I can give him. My husband said he would take the accountability part on his shoulders this year with the oldest, but realistically he is just to busy to really follow up with things as needs to happen. It seems no matter how much challenge I plan for this kid, he breezes through it, and then either comes downstairs to "stir up" trouble, or he sits up in his room and gets growly and grumpy, not a healthy situation. An afternoon paper route where he has to hike up and down hills helps some. But we've had some problems with trust issues, a few times he skipped his route and did stuff he wasn't supposed to be doing (played computer at the library, a privilidge he has lost now as we took away permission on his account!). THankfully he was caught right away. OK, I know. Public school hardly seems to be the atmosphere for a kid who struggles with moral issues. But at the same time I would welcome a few others on the "team"--other authorities in his life enforcing some rules, giving some requirements. He shows some good signs of maturity too in the past year, which have not been there in previous years. I guess I just feel so weary of trying to keep him occupied--and deal with all the confronting, the arguing, the working through of issues, all day. I'm just tired. And distracted by the 2 year old. And I feel like something needs to give.
We have moved to a very small town, chock full of churches. The man across the street was principal of the high school for years and a more solid christian man you would be hard pressed to find, lots of teachers, too. In the large European city we were in I would have never considered sending them to school an option. So--it COULD be, I am considering the possibility, maybe there is provision and help here, for our family. Maybe!! But it is very, very hard to let the homeschooling idea go, even when it is pretty plain that things are not working!! It is something planted very deep in my heart.
But I've been in prayer, sought counsel, it just seems like the Lord might be indicating this is the right thing for now.
My question (sorry so long winded!), is what "criteria" would you use to evaluate, in this situation? What signs of readiness to face the challenges (socially and spiritually, academically is no problem for him) of public school? What questions would you have for the school itself? (We are meeting with the principal in a week).
With my middle son, in some ways I would love to send him to school. He is NOT an easy guy to teach!! As much as I have heard only positive things about the school, I have not felt convinced it is the right thing for him for now. My gut tells me he needs another year or two to mature. Until today! Today I was ready to send him!! But today has just been (another) awful day. Resistance to me and arguing all day. I really cannot work with that. I'm addressing calmly, keeping my cool, giving consequences, but it just seems so many days are like this!  It is a false hope that school would "fix" it, but a really good school could be an "ally". And if I'm just too stressed and tired and do not have the capacity to do school--then maybe some structure a good teacher would provide would be better than too little structure and "chaos" at home.
And giving up the "living books" idea, for textbooks and paperwork-----that is a really, really hard one for me. But maybe it does not have to be all or nothing. I could still read the good stuff at night at bedtime, or a teatime after school maybe. ?
Maybe if the older one goes there will be enough stress relieved to keep going. I feel like I am just trying to push myself through it most days.
__________________
Angela Nelson
Mother to Simon (13), Calvin (9), and Lyddie Rose (3)
my blog: live and learn
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bfarmmom
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| Posted: Dec 07 2007 at 7:37pm | IP Logged
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Angela 
I could have written some of your post as I am dealing with the same feelings right now. I also feel like the grace to do this has left me. But I am not giving up just yet. I am hanging on and praying my enthusiasm will come back. We have had a TOUGH year. My mom was ill and has since passed. So I am trying to go easy and see what happens.
Sorry I don't have many words of wisdom. Maybe try it with the oldest son and see. Remember nothing is forever, and if it doesn't work you can bring him back. Does he want to go to school?
Angela, please be assured of my thoughts and prayers for you and your decision, as I ponder our direction also. God Bless You!
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Peace,
Kirsten
ds13,dd12,dd10,ds7,dd6, dd 4, ds 2
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Mackfam
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| Posted: Dec 07 2007 at 9:10pm | IP Logged
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Angela,
First, prayers coming your way! Prayers for peace, and wisdom and discernment!
I am not going to offer any specific advice or guidance. But, in reading your post, I felt your emotion. You asked about the criteria one would use to make this decision. And truthfully, I'm sure that I couldn't make the decision. I would be too close, too full of emotion, too full of every detail, every argument and anti-argument, full of analysis and the predicted consequences of every potential decision. My decision would be full of emotion.
Have you considered seeking God's will through your husband? Start a novena to St. Joseph specifically for your dh - for his wisdom and his ability to guide and protect your family. Then, have peace in his decision. Trust his judgement, and start asking the Blessed Virgin for help in the virtues of obedience and charity - whatever your husband's decision is.
Mother Angelica used to say that knowing God's will was praying, seeking, and then jumping. God will provide for your family, and does so most often through the head of your family. Have peace Angela, and know that I am praying for your family, for the peace that surpasses all understanding, and also for wisdom in this decision.
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Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19 , ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
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Kathryn UK
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We sent our two older daughters (age 12 and 9) to school this year after being committed homeschooler since they were tiny.
My eldest daughter simply outgrew homeschooling. She is very social, learns better in groups situations and loves sports. She is also responsible and reliable, and has a good track record of choosing good friends. We had decided a couple of years ago that she would go to Upper School (similar to high school) at 13, but in the end sent her a year earlier. Academically she was stagnating because she was resistant to doing schoolwork at home, and battling with her over work was starting to put our good relationship in danger at an age when I least wanted that to happen. So far she loves school and the school loves her. She crams an unbelievable amount into every day - school, after-school sports, dance, music - and gets all her work done without me even needing to remind her. She is happy and thriving.
My 9yo is a very different type of child - very out of the box. We have had a lot of stresses over the last couple of years (illness, pregnancy, new baby, helping my mother to move house), and she had reacted very badly to the stress and lack of routine. She asked to go to school with her sister. Dh felt strongly that the structure of school would be good for her. Praying about it the answer seemed to be yes, although in my head I had doubts. Again, experience so far has been good and I am now sure it was the right decision at this time. Whether she will stay in school indefinitely I don't know, but we will take things on a year by year basis.
I found it hard to let go of that homeschooling dream, and I do plan to homeschool my youngest daughter for at least the first few years. In the end, though, the decision to send them to school was much easier than I would have expected. It just became apparent on a number of levels that it was the right one.
Obviously every family situation is different. My advice would be to pray, to listen to what your dh has to say, and not to over analyse. And remember the decision for home or school is not irrevocable.
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Kathryn
Dh Michael, Rachel(3/95) Hannah(8/98) Naomi(6/06)  (11/07)
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missionfamily
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Just a chime in to say that you don't have to let go of the things you value about homeschooling if you do send your child to school for a season or more...my oldest was in school for two years. We still did our own catechism lessons at home on Saturday mornings, read the books on the 4 Real booklists at bed times and planned rabbit trail and unit studies that we did together after school. This part of your lifestyle can be rearranged without being eliminated if you decide school is an option for now. Prayers for you as you work through this.
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Colleen
dh Greg
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Willa
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Kathryn UK wrote:
| Obviously every family situation is different. My advice would be to pray, to listen to what your dh has to say, and not to over analyse. And remember the decision for home or school is not irrevocable. |
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I think this is right on.
That advice not to over-analyze is helpful both with homeschooling and with schooling, I believe. There is not going to be an absolutely A-OK experience no matter what -- we're always working with limitations -- our own, our kids', and the educational environment we're in, whether at school or in a community. Parents are in charge of their kids education. God gives them grace, if they invoke it, to make these kinds of decisions. There are usually pros and cons for every method, and the job is to decide which are more important and which are less so. I believe God will definitely bless your efforts made under His grace, and that doesn't go away if you stop homeschooling.
Also, though it's kind of hard to put it the way I want to -- I think it is helpful to be realistic about both homeschooling AND schooling. Homeschooling can be a success even while it feels like it's not working at the time. I bet you have been more successful than you see at the time. Several moms in our area whose kids enrolled in school found that their academic and character building efforts had been much more substantial than they saw when they were in the middle of it all, dealing with battles of wills and dawdling. I am not saying that to convince you to keep homeschooling, but because I think when you choose to send a child to school it should be from a position of strength and confidence. That will help you and your child make a better transition, I believe.
And my experience with school is that it's as much work as homeschooling, just a different kind of work. So I don't think it pays to have too rosy a picture of what a homeschool ought to look like, OR too rosy a picture of what schooling would look like. I found it to be much the same in some ways -- you still have to stay involved, keep in charge of the big picture, and discern various problems and their solutions. If you hang around with parents whose kids go to school, you find that the "on task" parents often have a lot of the same thought processes and concerns as the homeschooling parents -- there is just a slightly different way of addressing them. And vice versa of course!
About how to prepare the kids -- family closeness and discussion, above all! Kids fare best in school when they come from a caring attentive family culture, and of course you will continue to provide that. Talking about issues; being available to listen when they come home; staying involved and taking a serious interest in their lives and academics. That's how my parents kept me somewhat sane during my school years! It sounds like your kids might be in a better school environment than I was, but still I think the principles apply.
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
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hereinantwerp
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Thank you for these words to think about. They are very helpful.
I had my kids in school last February-June, at the school where my mom teaches, because we were in an intense season of transition, living with my parents in a temporary location while my husband went back overseas for a few months. It was both a relief, and a mixed experience. It was a little surprising to me that it was almost as busy, just the busyness at a different time--the time from 3:30 to bedtime became intense, verses the morningtime through lunch. But there was "relative quiet" (albeit a toddler!) from 8-3, which is something that never happens when the boys are home all day. Boys just wear me out!! Much of the time they get along fairly well, but even then they are HYPER!
What my heart seems to be telling me when I take time to listen/pray, is that it is time for my oldest to go to school, but that the 8 year old needs more time at home. My flesh would love to send them both, as I feel like I've just had it! At the same time it is hard to let go of the homeschooling dream with the oldest. It is sooner than I expected. I went from expecting to homeschool all through, to thinking maybe until high school, to here. But I feel somehow that there is a "path of grace" here, that God's hand is in it, and I just don't have that feeling about keeping him home. I feel like he might become quite angry, and our relationship even more adversarial.
But--HE wants to stay home. So this makes it extra hard. We have spent a few session discussing it, and in my estimation, his reasons are not good ones. He is intimidated by other kids, and I feel that fears (when they are "irrational" or overblown) need to be faced, not the basis of our life decisions. Also he likes all the freedom he has, which I am feeling is too much freedom, too little occupation and accountability. So, if this is the right thing, we have to work with his resistance too.
If he were independant yet cheerful and using his time in good, productive ways--I would be fine with keeping him home! I know these can be difficult years, and he has always been a difficult kid anyway. I have had 2 very close friends who ended up sending their sons to school at this age (though one had a great Christian school option which I don't). I remember them being very weepy about it at the time, but at home son was just bucking authority and the situation was negative. In both cases the boys "turned out" fine, after a few iffy years. Maybe some 13-14 year old boys just need to buck up against some walls? Is that a lie from the world, or their immature manhood asserting itself? I get tired of being "the wall" all the time!
Another factor I am feeling--my dh is a wonderful, incredibly devoted husband and father, with a servant heart. This year in making the decision to put our son back in school, I had felt in prayer that it was good for the oldest son to stay connected with his dad for one more year. I just felt like he needed his father somehow. Dh does have a heart to pursue this son, and he tries, but it feels like it isn't working, they just do not connect very well. This son is very hard hearted by nature, he can push and push, and dh just--isn't the same type at all. In their interactions dh often feels "pressured" and reacts badly (which is not the same as providing the firmness needed, yet staying unflustered). To me it feels like a bad dynamic (though certainly not a new one!!), very stressful, I get tired of all the stress and conflict at home. Theoretically Dh was going to provide the accountability so I did not have to be the "wall", but it just isn't working, and because I know son needs more accountability the pressure falls on me but I'm just not getting it done because of other areas where I need to focus. This son relates much better to me (we are more alike), and when it comes to "heart to heart" talks he talks with me, about all sorts of things--which is great, I am glad he can talk to one of us--but it feels awkward and "off", too. All the conflicts make my heart sad and frustrated, I pray continually about it but I don't know what to DO. There's nothing in the world I want more than a peaceful home (I certainly did not grow up in one), and I don't seem to be able to create it. The other day in praying over these things I felt some very intense repentance in realizing, in some ways I've been trying to create something for me, something I wanted that I never had (a wholesome, "ideal" childhood), and as hard as I have tried, I feel like I'm failing. It's mixed. Not all my motivations to homeschool have been about "self" by any means. And of course you cannot go back. I have done what I have done in faith, I've tried my best. But the Lord was also revealing some things about it that were hard for me to see. I just feel very worn down and discouraged and maybe I've had some false ideals, and taken on some burdens were simply too heavy for me or not put there by the Lord. Willa could be right in saying I may be doing a better job than it feels like I am doing--I have had some good comments on my kids over the last few years, and sometimes I make myself consider that. But I just feel so tired. Is "Mom's just not up for it" a legitimate reason to stop homeschooling? But it also feels like it could be for this particular son, school might provide a structure that is good for him (if not ideal, as it is not christian and always plenty of "bad companions to corrupt good morals" around!). Maybe I have too many ideals.
Trying not to get myself in a quandary. Trying to trust what I feel in prayer, but I feel nervous for my son and he HASN'T always made good choices in friends and in situations, though in the past year he SOMETIMES shows signs of growing understanding and discernment. Other times he most certainly doesn't. I have prayed since he was small that as far as lying and things which he tends to approach as an intellectual experiment (do others have kids like this??) he gets caught EVERY time. I was a bit the same way, and getting caught enough times truly cured me.
I think it is a good thing we are in a very small community (town of 3000), neighbors really know each other, most are people of faith, and there are simply not as many options for getting in trouble--and if you do, someone will notice! It was not where we planned to live but over and over again I am feeling like it is a GOOD place for our family needs and situation. Our Lord is so wise and I am trying to trust in Him, but not very good at it  !! (As far as Dh, he is feeling good about putting our son in school. But he is not the type to come out and tell me what to do, as much as I might like that sometimes! For major decisions we have always waited until we both felt led the same way in prayer/felt peace in the Spirit, and it's just always worked out that way.)
Sorry this is very long. I really need to process, thank you for letting me do that here!!
__________________
Angela Nelson
Mother to Simon (13), Calvin (9), and Lyddie Rose (3)
my blog: live and learn
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Cay Gibson
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I'm coming in a tad late, Angela, but I ditto all the wonderful suggestions above.
Also, I pray that this piece: Sorrow of the Loss of the HSing Dream contributed to the forum's Garden of Sorrows will help and bless you.
__________________
Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
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hereinantwerp
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Cay, thank you for sharing that!
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Angela Nelson
Mother to Simon (13), Calvin (9), and Lyddie Rose (3)
my blog: live and learn
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hereinantwerp
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| Posted: Dec 18 2007 at 6:48pm | IP Logged
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just a little update.
Dh and I met with the principal of the school yesterday for almost 2 hours. Every question was answered in the way I had hoped for. My older son has come around and is actually excited about the idea of school (nervous, but excited). I also came away from the meeting feeling definately convicted that I am not doing for my younger one nearly what I should be--I had been feeling hints of this in the last months, but simply not dealing with it. I've wanted to hang onto that homeschool dream but have needed to come to terms with the fact that for multiple reasons, I just don't have it in me right now to accomplish it and follow through with all that it means.
Very humbling realization, that I can't do it all and be it all for my children.
I feel peace about the decision but in many ways I feel very, very sad too! It is in many ways the loss of a dream and a major change of vision for me. I can tell I'm going to need time to process this, and I'm guessing some of the emotional impact will hit later (I tend to make decisions fairly quickly, and do the feeling part afterward!). Despite the sadness I'm feeling I am also thankful that the Lord placed us in this little town where I never expected to live, where the public school (as far as public schools go) is a "best case scenerio"--whereas many places we have lived I would have never have considered public school an option.
One thing I keep tripping on is the "living books" idea--I have wanted so much for my children's education to be LIVING, vital, and exciting, not the "boring" jumping through hoops that I remember. I can still read to them in the afternoons or evenings. I feel like there's a trade-off, and that life isn't quite lived in "ideals" as I used to see it. While there are some things that homeschools can do really, really well, there are other things that classrooms do well.
I could open a children's bookshop from our home.
I wanted to say thank you for praying for my decision, and I appreciate the wisdom I have received here over the years. I did very much appreciate Cay's article, too.
__________________
Angela Nelson
Mother to Simon (13), Calvin (9), and Lyddie Rose (3)
my blog: live and learn
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Angie Mc
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God bless you all, Angela . Thanks for the update and I'm glad to hear that you are feeling more at peace. Praying for a smooth transition.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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LisaR
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hereinantwerp wrote:
just a little update.
One thing I keep tripping on is the "living books" idea--I have wanted so much for my children's education to be LIVING, vital, and exciting, not the "boring" jumping through hoops that I remember. I can still read to them in the afternoons or evenings. I feel like there's a trade-off, and that life isn't quite lived in "ideals" as I used to see it. While there are some things that homeschools can do really, really well, there are other things that classrooms do well.
I could open a children's bookshop from our home.
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My oldest ds is in school for the first time. We are still pinching ourselves that this has been such a wonderful experience for us all. No complaints. I had to laugh when I read about books in your post. do you know that ds wakes up on his own every morning, and before the others are up, reads all of the library books before he heads off to school? yep, every single one!! Since we visit the library every Tues, and the bookmobile every Wed (spoiled, I know!!  ), he is getting quite a "home education" still in the quiet mornings!
God Bless your family as you make this transition. thanks for the update!
__________________
Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: evaluating, is it time to stop homescool
