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tovlo4801
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| Posted: Aug 17 2005 at 9:37am | IP Logged
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I'm struggling. Maybe it's because I only have two children and all my hopes and expectations are pinned on these two poor children, but I'm suffering in recent days with a severe bout of insecurity regarding whether I'm really capable of giving my children what they need.
My oldest is 12 and the other day I realized that he would need to be getting a job someday relatively soon. I know that's stupid. It's always been there, but the other day it hit me in a very realistic way. My son stutters very severely. The last few days it's been painful to listen to him. It just hit me the other day - "what's he going to do!?" He won't be able to have any sort of job interacting with customers and even interacting with co-workers will be a challenge. I think he will probably always stutter. When he was younger, I imagined him becoming a world-famous author, but now those imaginings are bumping up against reality. My son is bright, but frankly completely lacking in motivation. I can't seem to motivate him to become the grand scholar I dreamed he would be in order to overcome his stuttering disability.
I have my own weaknesses. I'm shy and often lacking in motivation myself. I don't interact with my children the way I should and all too often school is just something to get through or even worse something that takes a back seat to exhaustion. I always start strong with a new idea and then lose steam and interest before long. I started to consider whether a teacher would do a better job bringing my son to a place of academic success since I'm so scattered in my homeschooling. Then I remembered part of the reason I began homeschooling was because he was not thriving in school - in part because his stuttering made participation in class difficult. If he were in school, I suppose he would probably suffer academically because as difficult as it is for me to listen to him I notice that unrelated people have even more frustration in communicating with him and often just ignore him. There's also the social aspect. Right now he has good friends who don't seem bothered by his stuttering. If he were in school would he be ridiculed and mocked? Finally there's cost. We can't afford private schools all the way through. High school for him would be public if not homeschool. I just don't think that's a good situation.
But where does that leave my son? Choosing between a school that probably wouldn't be a good situation and a mom who can't seem to pull it together enough to provide a consistently good academic environment. I really believe he has a lot of potential, but I don't think I'm capable of helping him reach it. He's scored well on standardized tests in most areas, but he scored so low on math it almost didn't even register. I'm at a complete loss on how to make up that difference. I'm trying to be patient, but I'm also panicking. I think there's potential in his writing, but I don't know if I'm just imagining it because I had always dreamed of that being the solution to his stuttering.
My youngest is a social butterfly and I'm struggling with the conflict between his personality and my own. He really needs social get-togethers all the time. I get completely worn out if I'm socially out and about all the time. Even just the interaction of small talk involved in dropping him off and picking him up from a friends is draining to me. Having friends over here all the time can be even tougher for me. I try to do as much as I can, but there are still great periods of time when he just wanders around the house bored. I work 3-4+ hours every day and while I'm available, when I'm working I can't really be with him. He's completely uninterested in doing anything on his own. I've tried pushing my work into the evening, but then everyone suffers as time goes on. I need at least one hour to unwind in quiet each evening and I need to get a full night sleep. I'm expected to be "on" all day and if I work in the evening, I don't get the down time or sleep. I become progressively more and more unable to function socially in the day as time goes on. This child would probably do well in school, but I worry that he'd be most likely to fall prey to bad social influences.
I just feel like my kids need better than I can offer them, and yet I don't see a better option. I think the first two years of homeschooling, I always had the hope that right around the corner was going to be the answer to my failings. If I could just find the right way to do things then everything I was messing up in homeschooling would be fixed. I'm losing that hope with a realization that there's nothing around the corner. I'm losing hope with the realization that with every burst of good homeschooling I muster the energy to provide, I fall into an equally long period of sloth and I can't seem to pull it together to correct my failings.
I don't know what anyone can do about my worries. I really just wanted to express them somewhere. Thanks for listening guys. If you could offer up a prayer for my kids and their future I would appreciate it.
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Courtney
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| Posted: Aug 17 2005 at 9:48am | IP Logged
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Hi, Richelle. Hugs to you! I, too, battle that feeling of wondering if I'm doing enough or am capable of providing enough for my dc. I think it's easy to let those feelings of self-doubt creep in.
When I was in grad school (for speech pathology) we had a group of adults who stutter come talk to our class. All of these people were successful adults. One man was in Toastmasters and did public speaking regularly. Does your son go to speech therapy? IMHO, providing a loving, supportive environment in which to learn is just as valuable if not more than academic success. I live in a district that is "exemplary". However, I know that is based on standardized test scores. Standardized tests don't guarantee a child has mastery over a subject or has really personalized the information.
I know I'm rambling here, I just wanted to tell you I can understand how you're feeling b/c I have these feelings sometimes, too! Don't be so hard on yourself. I don't have an almost teen yet, but I know those days will be challenging. God will provide you with all you need for you to parent and educate your children. Big hugs to you. You'll be in my prayers today as well!
__________________
Courtney in Texas
Wife to Mike since 3/94 
Mom to Candace 10/97 ,Christopher 4/00 and Connor 11/11
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tovlo4801
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| Posted: Aug 17 2005 at 10:10am | IP Logged
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Courtney,
Thanks for replying so quickly! My son does have speech therapy and it's the best therapy situation he's been in yet. Yet it's frustrating because the level of stuttering seems to fluctuate all the time and it just doesn't seem to matter what kind of therapy he receives. My son is really not terribly bothered by his stuttering which is a good thing for his self-esteem, but I think it hinders his motivation to improve. His therapist told him a story one day about a man (I think a famous basketball player?) who stuttered and when his sports career ended he found himself working bussing tables in a restaurant or something because his stuttering hindered him so much. This situation caused the man to work terribly hard on his speech and he eventually learned how to speak completely differently to overcome the stuttering. I know our therapist was trying to motivate my son to work on his speech, but I can't get images of my son bussing tables as an adult out of my head. Do you remember what sort of careers the people you heard speak had?
I know that there are famous actors who have stuttered in the past (James Earl Jones for one), but I just can't image that their stuttering was ever as bad as my son's hearing how fluently they talk now.
Thanks for the hugs too!
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Courtney
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| Posted: Aug 17 2005 at 10:33am | IP Logged
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Do you remember Jonathan Demme's acceptance speech a few years ago at the Academy Awards? I haven't watched that in awhile, but I remember he stuttered a great deal and it took awhile to get his acceptance speech delivered. I don't remember what movie it was for. I don't know what kinds of careers the adults that spoke to our class had. The beauty is, though, that your son doesn't let it bother his self esteem. I think that is a huge gift. Have you ever checked out Stuttering Foundation website? There may be some good info there for your son. I know it has a list of famous people (Winston Churchill, Carly Simon, John Stossel) who are stutterers. The website may give you some good ideas, too. I worked with a 5th grader who stuttered terribly but was very bright academically, very into soccer, etc. It was hard to motivate him (and any other 10-11 yr old boy in speech) to work on his speech. but I think the strong self esteem he had carried him through. When I think of the man that spoke at Toastmasters, I remember that he was one of the most severe stutterers I ever heard,but he had strong self confidence. That will motivate your son to help him go for whatever career he someday decides upon, IMHO.
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Courtney in Texas
Wife to Mike since 3/94
Mom to Candace 10/97,Christopher 4/00 and Connor 11/11
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Cay Gibson
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((((Triple Hugs to you, Richelle!!!))))
There is no shame in getting a tutor for English and Math. Those two subjects and lots of reading and playing games at home should do your ds fine when it comes to academics.
It's harder to see our dc humbled than it is to be humbled ourselves. I worry sometimes about my younger ds. He's a 'man of few words.' Yet sometimes he amazes me. I think your ds will amaze you as well. You know he will! 
Didn't Moses stutter?
We just got home from our monthly KC open/covered-dish meeting. We had a speaker on vocations and he's the father of 9 dc. In his talk he said our society is 'being entertained to death' and encouraged us all to look past the cultural shouts of "go to a great college...get a great job...become a great athlete...become a great person...do great things."
God whispers for us to be humble and to serve others. We have to look beyond this life---forever beyond---and cling hopelessly and desperately to Mary's mantle. It is the only shield against this culture we live in.
My prayers are with you...
__________________
Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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Bridget
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| Posted: Aug 18 2005 at 7:14am | IP Logged
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Oh Richelle, all mothers feel this way sometimes. Because we love our children so, so much. I pray daily that God will make up for my deficiancies with my children, even that He will give them infused knowledge! (I'm serious, I don't mean to be flip.)
One thing my friend told me about boys (she has 4 grown now) is that they don't take much ownership in their schooling or their future until they are about college age. Then, when they chose their direction, they are quite motivated.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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esperanza
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| Posted: Aug 18 2005 at 2:32pm | IP Logged
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Cay wrote: (Gee your speaking to me today too!)
"It's harder to see our dc humbled than it is to be humbled ourselves" (I need to learn to navigate this site better)
...My 8yod stutters (as does my husband..mostly when speaking Spanish or in a drive thru) My dd told me this past year that its okay if she stutters because God is letting her know she is not perfect. I took her to a homeopathic physician and we are watching changes. Its the same remedy I gave her for her wart 3yrs ago and I remember her stuttering left for a long time. I have her set up to receive speech therapy this year in case she still needs some help.
Richelle wrote :
"I just feel like my kids need better than I can offer them, and yet I don't see a better option. I think the first two years of homeschooling, I always had the hope that right around the corner was going to be the answer to my failings. If I could just find the right way to do things then everything I was messing up in homeschooling would be fixed. I'm losing that hope with a realization that there's nothing around the corner. I'm losing hope with the realization that with every burst of good homeschooling I muster the energy to provide, I fall into an equally long period of sloth and I can't seem to pull it together to correct my failings."
...I have experienced these same thoughts for years. I was mostly a relaxed unschooler for years. My oldest two dds learned as they matured. They read and they learned vocabulary and grammar. They were curious about many things and researched and soaked up their environment. My son is so different..He used to tell me he didn't care about learning. On his 14th b-day he began with a tutor for 5wks 2x a week. That gave both of us great amount of direction and motivation. I still may have him further evaluated but for now I'll proceed with the plan the tutor started and hold on to her advice. .
__________________
In His Peace,
Tammy Gonzalez in VA
dh-Johnny
mom to Tara-'85, Noelle-'88, Jeremy-'91, Elizabeth-'93, Emma-'96, Dominic-'99, Gabriel-'01, Elijah-03
and Jacinta-06
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tovlo4801
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| Posted: Aug 19 2005 at 7:27am | IP Logged
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Thank you all for your wonderful responses! You've all given me a lot to think about. I'm feeling a lot better now.
I think part of it was that I am not planning as heavily this year as I have the past two years. I have a general guidline in my head, but I resolved to go more with the flow this year. My general plan was to begin school "light" in August and then move into a fuller day when public school started. We did a good week and then I became emotionally overwhelmed with a volunteer ministry my dh and I are involved in. School was just dropped for a couple of weeks. I was just overwhelmed with other responsibilities. I should have known better because I know that when our time for direct involvement in this ministry comes up I'm consumed by it. I was still feeling frustrated with myself for only putting in a good week before dropping the ball.
I'm coming to terms with the reality that it just wasn't a good idea to start when I had so many other commitments coming up that I knew would overwhelm my time. I've decided to just give myself a break until we get back from D.C. in mid-September. There are tons of opportunities for learning as we prepare for our D.C. trip over the next week of two and even if it doesn't look like school, I'm just going to relax.
I think my first head-to-head with more relaxed schooling did not go well for me.  But everytime you try and fail you learn right? I'll remember next time to just go with the flow when this ministry comes up again and not beat myself up over all the ways I'm failing my kids. 
Thanks so much for all your support! Your kind words really carried me through my mini-depression.
God Bless you!
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tovlo4801
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| Posted: Aug 19 2005 at 7:29am | IP Logged
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Cay,
Thanks for the suggestion of a tutor. I was certainly aware of that option for homeschoolers, but truthfully, I'd never seriously considered it for us. I think there is a very valid argument for pursuing it in our family for math and writing right now. I had toyed with signing up with a Bravewriter class, but decided I couldn't afford it. I spent an equal amount on books that probably won't be worth what I spent instead. I think I'm going to try to find the money to actually sign up now.
How do you go about finding a good math tutor?
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tovlo4801
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| Posted: Aug 19 2005 at 7:37am | IP Logged
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Tammy,
Very interesting about homeopathic treatment of stuttering! Our speech therapist gave us an article a couple of months back about experimental treatment of stuttering with drugs.
It was interesting to read what they are finding out about stuttering and the chemical process in the brain, but I was NOT about to put my son on anti-psychotic medication for his stuttering! They are seriously testing treating stuttering with Olanzapine, which is a very serious anti-psychotic drug.
What I found really interesting is that studies have shown that there are excessive amounts of dopamine receptors in a stutter's brain. So the drugs just shut down some of those receptors. My speech therapist agreed with our decision not to pursue drugs. As he said, it's an interesting development, but it's at the point of treating an issue the size of a pin prick with a sledge hammer. The unintended consequences of using a drug like that will far outweigh the benefits.
As I read the research though, I really wondered if there might not be nutritional options to deal with the overabundance of dopamine receptors. I wrote to the psychiatrist involved in the study and he said unfortunately that there have not been any studies looking at nutrition or exercise treatment of stuttering.
What exactly did you do with your daughter?
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esperanza
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Richelle,
My dd was given a remedy that is a low dose and she takes it every night and I watch and wait for significant improvement (more that 50%)to occur for a couple weeks. I'll follow up soon (after a month)
I'll let you know if we get help for this. I'm still waiting.
__________________
In His Peace,
Tammy Gonzalez in VA
dh-Johnny
mom to Tara-'85, Noelle-'88, Jeremy-'91, Elizabeth-'93, Emma-'96, Dominic-'99, Gabriel-'01, Elijah-03
and Jacinta-06
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Marybeth
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Richelle,
My nephew stutters and is failing in his public school, has no friends, and spend all his time in front of the tv playing Sega, Playstation, etc.
I think the best place for your ds is with you. He has friends and good self esteem. He will succeed later on b/c he has had the chance to watch his parents work hard and raise a family. I wasn't motivated at 12, 16 or 17. Yikes...I hit 18 and watch out world!!!! I paid for college and none of my time was wasted nor any of my hard earned $$$.
Praying you have a wonderful time in DC and peace in beginning your new homeschooling year.
God bless,
Marybeth
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Robin
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Richelle,
I could have written that post almost word for word myself. I know exactly how you feel. I don't have any advice for you except for a line I heard repeatedly at our first homeschooling meeting a few nights ago: "The worst day at home is better for your child than the best day at school." I've been repeating it to myself ever since. I'm trying to convince myself...
I am constantly in anguish about my children, their souls, and all the "imperfect" things around us that are always shaping their character. I'm praying daily for the Lord to "heal their wounds" inflicted by me and others.
Another thing that is necessary is a huge amount of trust. God called us to this lifestyle and He will guide us and supply for all our defects if we trust totally in Him. "Jesus, I trust in you."
__________________
Robin Dupre
"If we become what God intended for us to become, we will set the world on fire." ~ St. Catherine of Siena
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tovlo4801
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"The worst day at home is better for your child than the best day at school. The worst day at home is better for your child than the best day at school. The worst day at home is better for your child than the best day at school..."  Thanks for the mantra Robin!
We went attended a Christian music festival this weekend that was a fund-raising event for a K-12 Catholic school. We were not familiar with the town it was being held in, but we were stunned to find it was only 30 minutes away.
We began homeschooling in part because there were not affordable Catholic highschools in our area and we did not want to use the local public school. This school is in a different diocese, so it was just not even on our radar. My dh noted that we now have a viable option. The diocese it's in is sort of known for it's liberalism, but we attended mass this morning at the church and it was a reverent, respectful mass. I'm not sure what God is trying to do, but I find it interesting that we suddenly become aware of a viable high school option when I'm in the midst of questioning my homeschooling.
I do still think for my oldest the best place for him is home. Perhaps just with some personal help through tutoring or classes as needed.
This newly discovered school might just be something that would suit my youngest down the road though. He's the social athlete that might thrive in a good, solid Catholic school. I've certainly learned enough from my homeschooling to make a school environment even richer through what we do at home. How easy would it be to just read a lot of good books to supplement his learning (and social time) at school.
I don't know what to make of this development. It's interesting what God plops in your lap when you're not looking isn't it?
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: battling insecurity
