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SeaStar
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I have to admit... I would love to have more children (though not sure if I can) but at the same time I am afraid. Does anyone else feel that way?
With my last c-section, I had severe hemorrhaging that required transfusions. I remember sitting in my hospital bed thinking: well, if they don't stop this (and they tried for hours), I guess I'll just be dying then...
Today in the paper I saw an article about the increasing death rate of American mothers. It was partly blamed on bleeding issues associated with the rise in c-sections. With my last pregnancy, my uterine muscles were stretched very thin, which my doctor said made them unable to contract completely to help stop bleeding (although no one ever noted a "spongy" uterus on post-partum exams- always said it felt fine, like a fist). Anyway, she also said that it was a good thing I hadn't tried for a VBAC.
So, I am afraid, somewhat, of what could happen if I do become pregnant. I tell myself to trust in God, and then I wonder... was God trying to tell me enough already with the last one?
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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SuzanneH
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Melinda,
Can't give any advice, but I'm right there with you.
I've had 3 c-sections and my last one was pretty bad... though not as bad as yours it sounds like. I had adhesions between my uterus and bladder, the dr. spent over an hour just cleaning me up after she got the baby out - and I felt just about every bit of it.
Dh and I would like to have more children but wonder, just like you, if God is trying to tell us something.
Just wanted you to know you're not alone...
Suzanne
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mom to Sean (01), Zoe (03) and Nicholas (06)
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SuzanneH
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Meant to add to, that I have lots of postpartum issues, including panic attacks, depression, etc. so between the physical issues and emotional issues, it seems like having another baby is not a good idea.
I wouldn't mind being convinced otherwise 
Suzanne
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Michaela
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(((Melinda)))
I will admit to being nervous.
My c-sections never go well. Each one has been worse than the previous one. Last October or November, I posted here about my concern of dying during the birth of Teresa. It was bad. I still clearly remember the doctor telling DH that "we almost lost her". When I was asked how the c-section went, I would just say...I'm alive. It's something I don't post about because there are other pregnant mommas reading threads and I don't want to create anxious feelings over my need to talk.
DH is concerned as well. He would love to be blessed with another child, however he doesn't like the idea of another c-section. He has even briefly talked about adopting rather than going through the scares c-sections bring us.
BTW, I did see the article on my AOL screen this morning. It didn't calm any fears I had that's for sure.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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SeaStar
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I hesitated to post this- it's been on my mind for a long time- because there are a lot of pregnant moms reading this. I don't want to frighten anyone, but every time I get really excited thinking about having another child, I then think: oh, my... there is that whole delivery thing to get through.
It is such a roller coaster ride for me each month (as the clock is ticking)... wondering if we should be trying harder, not trying at all, just leaving it in God's hands... I am in such confusion. The article only made me more nervous. I pray every day to see God's will in this. It's hard to think that I might never have another little one- yet it's very hard to think of going through that all again (or even worrying about having to go through it). Ack.
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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KerryK
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This topic is very much on my mind lately. DH and I are both from large families, and always assumed we'd have a large family as well. After my first was born (via c/s), I began experiencing miscarriages, some as late as 17 weeks. Then, my daughter was born, followed by several more devestating miscarriages. They never could really tell me why it was happening. We're still not really sure why I was able to have my third this past Feb. I was trying a combination of new things. I've had three c sections. None of them was too bad, but they are scary to me. However, it scares me even more to think about the devestation of more miscarriages. My baby is now 6 mos. I am 38. I know I don't have all the time in the world anymore. We just don't know how to feel at this point. It still makes me sad when I think of my dreams of having lots of kids, but I know I need to focus on how incredibly grateful I am for the ones I have!
I'm glad I'm not alone with the mixed feelings!
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Kerry
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Macmom
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Its not medical or health for me, I just feel REALLY stretched with soon-to-be 9 kidlets, plus homeschooling. Emotionally, it's just too much at times to try to mother this many lovingly and effectively. I can't read to the little ones without being interrupted by the need to change a baby or dispense justice over some stupid argument between the middle schoolers. My teenagers want to talk to me, but I am constantly distracted by little ones. No one ever gets my full attention- some days it feels like not even GOD gets an undivided minute from me! There is a physical limit to how many people I can be available to in a given hour. PLUS homeschooling! Lesson plans, grading, the actual instruction time! Did I mention daily meal prep and laundry? Sure, the kids help with housework, but I still have to supervise. Many days are lovely around here, but some days I feel stretched too thin to be showing my children Mary-like virtue. And I want my children to remember their childhood as a happy time- not seeing mommy always exhausted, and most of our conversations revolving around school work.
So many of the Catholic families I know are in the same boat once they hit 7 or 8 or 9 or 10 children. Its just overwhelming. One mom of 10 I know just put her 3 oldest in Catholic high school. Another mom of 7 just put HER 3 oldest in Catholic high school. Another mom of 10 put her 2 oldest in the local Catholic school. They all cite the same reason- too much going on at home, too many grade levels and toddlers and a baby on the way.
Good topic. It's OK to say "This is REALLY hard!"
Peace,
Macmom
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JennGM
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I do have to say that these thoughts have been on my mind. I'm pregnant now, but in a high-risk pregnancy. There are high chances that I could have to have hysterectomy, but even higher chances to have the bleeding problems you ladies had. I was actually talking to my mother about what would happen next. Losing the uterus during delivery would almost be a help in getting a clear sign from God, otherwise there would be a lot of doubt in my mind like you ladies have.
It's a big issue of trust, isn't it?
I think this is the article at least similiar about the higher mortalities.
Michaela, Suzanne, and Melinda, what terrible experiences to go through. My mom had the "spongy" uterus that wouldn't stop bleeding, but the worst consquences didn't really hit until after 7 children and the beginning of menopause.
I will keep you all in my prayers. Truly I keep having the thoughts that having so much pain and shedding blood for our children should definitely help them get to heaven? Please God?
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Jennifer G. Miller
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Red Cardigan
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I also thought I'd have more by now, but God has had other plans.
My thoughts on this are as follows: though my DH and I have been using NFP for nine years now for a health reason, and though I know prudence and love for the children I already have means, on "my end" so to speak, getting that health issue under control before actively trying for another little one, God is still in charge. I don't think a month has gone by when I haven't turned to Him with my mixed feelings and said, "You know why we're using NFP, but You're still in charge. If You want to bypass NFP, I know You can! So, Your will be done--and in the meantime, how about helping me with that health issue, Lord?" 
So if health or serious financial issues or even just the need to be able to meet the needs of the children you already have mean that you have to postpone for a little--or even a longer--time, we've been given a great gift with NFP, I think: the gift of knowing that God is still in charge and that He can allow us to become pregnant if it's His will for us. Speaking of my own experiences, there have been plenty of months when the signals weren't completely clear and God could have "surprised" us. He still can, anytime! The fact that He hasn't makes me think that He also wants me to get this issue under control, and that I will still end up with the exact number of children He meant me to have, regardless of how it happens.
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PDyer
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Red Cardigan wrote:
| So if health or serious financial issues or even just the need to be able to meet the needs of the children you already have mean that you have to postpone for a little--or even a longer--time, we've been given a great gift with NFP, I think: the gift of knowing that God is still in charge and that He can allow us to become pregnant if it's His will for us. Speaking of my own experiences, there have been plenty of months when the signals weren't completely clear and God could have "surprised" us. He still can, anytime! The fact that He hasn't makes me think that He also wants me to get this issue under control, and that I will still end up with the exact number of children He meant me to have, regardless of how it happens. |
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Yes  , but I have to admit the prospect of conceiving in our situation is fearful for us, in that we sincerely would fear terribly for our child. And in complete honesty I wouldn't welcome the feedback we'd be sure to get for having 'chosen' to conceive either.
Grateful that God is in charge, not me...
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Patty
Mom of ds (7/96) and dd (9/01) and two angels (8/95 and 6/08)
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SeaStar
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I am heartened to know that at least I'm not alone in my worries and doubts. It is a hard road to walk- is it the right thing to continue to pursue having children when there are high risks involved? Is it fair to the other children at home to knowingly put yourself in a place of higher than normal danger?
These thoughts go through my mind... never stopping me wanting another, but making me realize that my wants and needs are not the only ones that count. I struggle with the idea that perhaps God does not intend for all of us to have large families. I struggle trying to perceive his will in this area. *Sigh*
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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Tina P.
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Melinda:
I, too, feel your pain. I had two miscarriages this year. I had to be transported to the ER for the second one because I lost too much blood at once and passed out. This happened 7/29. Here I am, almost a month later, still bleeding albeit (annoying and) lightly now. My doctor says that my uterus is confused right now. My lining is still too thick to do any testing. Apparently, when I bleed, it skews the results. She gave me some meds to make the uterus contract so that it could expel what tissue was left inside of me. I didn't even feel the contractions. And I'm still bleeding. This Thursday, we meet again. What if my lining still isn't suitable? I want to get off this merry-go-round!
My husband is dead set against having more babies. He doesn't want to lose his wife or the capacity I now have to care for our children while he's gone. I wrote the following on a Prayer Request thread about this last miscarriage:
I'm spotting at almost 8 weeks. My next dr. appointment is Wednesday. Maybe she knew and was just waiting for the baby to pass on its own? I've been wracking my brains wondering whether this is God's will for me? Is it just a cross I have to bear? Will He ever allow more babies into my life?
I *do* wish that God would send us clear signs. Maybe He is and I am blind to them because I *so badly* want another baby. Then I start to think about how selfish (*is* it selfish to want another precious life?) I am to want another child when I have seven beautiful ones. I am so confused. I wish someone could just sort me out.
Many prayers coming your way,
Tina
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Tina, wife to one and mom to 9 + 3 in heaven
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happymama
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I only have 3 little ones, and we fully intend to try to have more, but we are using NFP right now to postpone pg.
I have conflicting emotions about it constantly, but NOT a conflicting conscience or lack of solid, logical reasons. (One of those being the fact that I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in over 5 years and it's slowly causing insanity!!!)
I do believe that, as the Church teaches, only the married couple can discern the question of how many children to raise. The most obvious forms of spiritual direction for us wives in this area are first of all, our husband's opinion on the matter, and secondly, our spiritual director/confessor/parish priest. We pray to be open, we take things one day at a time, we pray for each other. Ultimately the events of each day are in God's hands. I think we just have to continually entrust each and every day to Him!
Life is more than procreation. To be pro-life also means striving for health and wholeness, joyful living, and serving those less fortunate while spreading the faith through the witness of our lives. God won't ask us to raise more children than we are able to do joyfully. It's not like if we choose to have 9 children instead of 10, there is one less soul that God will be able to create - there are plenty of devout couples out there desperately praying to conceive, and to them God sometimes says "no". Thinking of my sister's inability to conceive is a constant reminder to me to be humble in my openness to new life.
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Tina P.
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happymama wrote:
| our husband's opinion on the matter, and secondly, our spiritual director/confessor/parish priest. |
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The opinions of these two men are directly opposed.
happymama wrote:
| Life is more than procreation. To be pro-life also means striving for health and wholeness, joyful living, and serving those less fortunate while spreading the faith through the witness of our lives. God won't ask us to raise more children than we are able to do joyfully. It's not like if we choose to have 9 children instead of 10, there is one less soul that God will be able to create - there are plenty of devout couples out there desperately praying to conceive, and to them God sometimes says "no". |
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Speaking only for myself, I could joyfully raise 12 children, if it were God's will. The hard pill to swallow is when God says, "No." He has been ever so generous with me so far. I have never limited myself to a particular *number* of children. I will mourn when I know that my baby-making days are over no matter what number of children I have.
It's the way their little feet smell, the way they yawn and blink at you, the way they adore you without even knowing that you adore them just as much or more. It's how they are comforted as soon as you lift them up. It's their little tufts of baby-soft hair. It's the blankets, the tiny clothes, the cuddling, the feeding. It's teaching the child not just about his faith, but about how to eat, to walk, to talk, to swim, to ride a bike ... It's all that and so much more.
Pardon me, I have to go dance with my almost 2 yo.
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Tina, wife to one and mom to 9 + 3 in heaven
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SeaStar
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Tina-
I well remember your miscarriage and am so sorry you are having to go through all this.
It is hard- depressing, really- to think that our baby days might be over. The thought just brings tears to my eyes. That is why I feel like I'm willing to take a risk to have another. Then I think of my whole bad experience with the hemorrhaging, and I'm so confused. I had bleeding for two months after that, quite heavy at first and then very slowly tapering off. I had emergency medication to take at home if the bleeding became severe again.
So it's all a muddle. I want another baby, but I certainly don't want to die in childbirth and leave the babies I do have here behind.
I continue to pray for all of us.
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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Martha
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Yes.
I'll have them anyways though without regret.
There is a plus side to sufferring.
After all these hard pregnancies and the many m/c too,
I tend to be MORE accepting of just what a blessing these children are. Hard won reward theory I suppose?
I don't know why, that's just our sentiments.
And that sentiment has grown with each baby.
Cry for many reasons though I might at times, my joy of them as been greater than the tears.
I always try to keep that in the front of my perspective.
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Martha
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happymama
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Because of my melancholic temperament, I always insist (in my mind and my posting) on promoting Church teaching in this area to a T. Which is plainly that it is ultimately the husband and wife together who have the right to determine, with generous and prayerful hearts and right intentions, the number of children they think they can joyfully raise. Obviously if you want to have 17 children, like we've been reading about lately, I am 100% supportive of that and wouldn't it be great if every marriage was able to support that physically, psychologically, financially, and emotionally! I just get tired of hearing from my friends who don't accept Vatican2 that spacing of children is BAD. It drives me nuts that any of the well-meaning women (like all of you on this thread!) should be made to feel guilty IF you and your husbands would decide to postpone a pregnancy (temporarily or indefinitely.) The Church has clearly confirmed that women are not required to bear as many children as is physically possible in order to merit heaven. Of course, if you CAN do that, then indeed we all count it as a blessing for you!
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Matilda
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happymama wrote:
| Because of my melancholic temperament, I always insist (in my mind and my posting) on promoting Church teaching in this area to a T. Which is plainly that it is ultimately the husband and wife together who have the right to determine, with generous and prayerful hearts and right intentions, the number of children they think they can joyfully raise. Obviously if you want to have 17 children, like we've been reading about lately, I am 100% supportive of that and wouldn't it be great if every marriage was able to support that physically, psychologically, financially, and emotionally! I just get tired of hearing from my friends who don't accept Vatican2 that spacing of children is BAD. It drives me nuts that any of the well-meaning women (like all of you on this thread!) should be made to feel guilty IF you and your husbands would decide to postpone a pregnancy (temporarily or indefinitely.) The Church has clearly confirmed that women are not required to bear as many children as is physically possible in order to merit heaven. Of course, if you CAN do that, then indeed we all count it as a blessing for you! |
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I completely sympathize! The problem I have is with the "trust" argument. You know the argument that these people throw at you about how you have to trust God and believe that he will provide everything you need including a medical miracle if necessary. Yes, God can do anything, and yes, he has been known to cure women of various illnesses during pregnancy, but what is "trusting" God and what is "testing" God?
I think that is what Red Cardigan meant by what she posted. Those same people who would argue that you should just get pregnant and then ask God for a miracle should also accept the position that using NFP keeps the door open for God to work a different kind of miracle if He so chooses.
And just because we might want to have a baby every nine months (guilty as charged!), the Church's teaching on moderation is not only applicable to fine wine and good food. Babies are a wonderfully smelling, sweet nuzzling good, no doubt, but my son would argue that watermelon is a good right now. Even though the health benefits are well documented, I'm not going to let him eat a whole one every day. In other words, as hard as it is to accept it sometimes, our perfect Father in Heaven might only let us have a little bit of the yummy goodness that we would indulge in to excess if it were up to us.
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Charlotte (Matilda)
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Donna Marie
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I have to admit I am afraid of having more, but! I would love to have more.
When I was pregnant the last 3 times I suffered terribly. I couldn't breath right, swallow food or water (felt like I was drowning) or sleep...my adrenaline would run without my permission. My tongue felt heavy and my voice started cracking like crazy but my thyroid tests came back fine. For the first 2 of these pregnancies, the problems started in month 6 and 7, when they started in month 3! for the last one I didn't know how I would make it. I seriously altered my diet and took natural supplements. I took a 2 mile walk every day until it got waaay too cold at the very end (she was born in January) It was much more tolerable this last time, but still scary. I was not feeling overwhelmed or anything but peace and joy when I was woken up with these symptoms the first time. I was off wheat this last pregnancy and I think that is also what made the difference. After seeing several doctors and having many tests done, they still don't know what happened to me. This was bad. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I survived. I have 3 more beautiful children that light up my life!
Right now, I am getting my body in the best possible condition and maybe once I get this pregnancy weight off, I will try again. It has been awhile since I was at a good weight for me. It is all coming off very steadily now that I have stopped eating the wheat. I am going to have my hair tested to find out if I have anything I need to get rid of like heavy metals. I never have any problem becoming pregnant...all I have to do is think about it and it happens.
When I experienced these symptoms (and more) I really felt like I was allergic to being pregnant. It really did feel like my food was not being digested correctly. I felt like my body was shutting down.
I pray about it a lot! I feel like Our Lady of Guadalupe is helping me. I have asked Her why it is that so many would willfully abort the life that God gifted them with from their womb and here I was, so willing, and it being so incredibly heart-wrenching. Each one of these babies was a baby of trust and I did receive some consolations for the suffering, but I am afraid to endure it all again. There are 7 children here that need me and need me to be strong to handle some of them. It is hard. I truly love new life!
I will pray for all of you!
God love you!
Donna Marie from NJ
hs momma to 7dc 
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Donna Marie from NJ
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Stephanie_Q
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I'm so glad to see this topic being openly and honestly discussed here. This is an area with which I struggle so much. God has provided beautifully for us with the addition of each child (4 + one miscarriage in 6 years of marriage). I have such easy pregnancies and deliveries, but we're starting to homeschool our 5yo and feeling like we should postpone our next pregnancy. (Baby is 8months and still nursing exclusively so my chart is all over the place...but that's an entirely different struggle.)
We're reading Theology of the Body, trying to really understand how postponing a pregnancy through the use of NFP fits in with being open to life and trusting in God's providence. It's especially difficult because we're surrounded by family and friends who are using NFP to try and conceive and here we are thinking about using it to postpone. Something about it just doesn't seem right...
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Anyone afraid to have more?
