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amyable
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| Posted: Aug 21 2007 at 10:20am | IP Logged
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I wasn't sure how to title this to be clear: Reading the recent threads on nurturing beauty and avoiding things made in China started my mental ball rolling, thinking about the coming holidays.
I agree that I want beauty in my home. And it being a small home, even a few to many "non-beautiful" things sway everything in an obvious non-beautiful direction. Then there is the whole matter of not wanting commercial, plastic-y, twaddly, mass produced in China items in my home.
Yet, we have three birthdays and Christmas coming up in Sept/Nov/December. My extended family members and friends are NOT on the same page with me when it comes to what they will bring into my house. I love them for their generosity, yet it's getting to the point where I feel like I'm a devout, kosher observing Jew and they are bringing a ham roast into my house for my dinner, lol!  I ache when I think of all the money wasted, all the things supported that I disagree with, etc.
How do those of you who shop a certain way and strive mightily for an ideal in your home (appearance and convictions-wise) deal with the receiving of gifts from others? Do you mention your convictions beforehand? How? Do you just accept things and they "disappear"? I have some luck with suggesting a "wish list" but only *some*. And I am sure to get a bunch of "rolled eyes" and worse, in my direction if I start really pushing my "agenda" as they would call it.
Interested in everyone's thoughts on this as we get nearer the gift giving season.
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Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Aug 21 2007 at 11:37am | IP Logged
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Amy, I go through this every year. My parents, who are generous, loving people, know we don't buy Chinese-made products unless we have to. Still, we receive many Chinese-made items from them. I do give them a list (at their request) but they don't check country of manufacture.
If we're starting a new sport or hobby, I often suggest items related to that endeavor.
My brother and his wife prefer to give "donation" gifts (you know, buy a goat to help a farmer in a developing country) and I'm pretty cool with that. I've had a frank talk with him about which organizations I support/don't like; he gets that because he is vegan and won't donate to groups that use animals for research.
My m-i-l lives far away and I offer to do her holiday shopping for her, for my family. She likes that...I always discuss my ideas with her before buying anything. She doesn't have to wrap or mail anything.
I think the keys are honesty and graciousness. I tell my children to politely thank everyone who gives them anything...even if it's a duplicate...and not mention any objections they might have. I do the same. If Mom sends a pretty shirt and it's made in China, I don't take it back. I wear it. It was given in love and I use it in love.
I am honest about my convictions, but I don't try to make others follow them. I'm very blessed to have relatives who at least listen to my ideas. My parents love to give educational gifts, so I try to give them lots of ideas; we thus avoid silly toys (of which we have plenty).
Home decor items are harder, I know...but we move so much that I often find uses for things I thought I couldn't work into my home. Perhaps you could share your decor planning processes with your loved ones, so they at least know where you're trying to go?
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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onemoretracy
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| Posted: Aug 21 2007 at 12:04pm | IP Logged
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I bascially agree with Nancy here. In everything charity must reign. In my case I have a relative who goes absolutely nuts at Christmastime. She spends hundreds of dollars on the kids, mostly on twaddly stuff. We try to minimize it by steering her into giving gifts like swimming lessons etc., and that has worked a little.
Whenever the topic of gift-giving comes up, I try to subtly let her know our thoughts, but I play it really low-key. Maybe someday over time she will see what is meaningful to us and it will become meaningful to her, but we can't force it. That is up to us though, we have to really make sure our example is lining up with what we say. That is not so easy all the time.  But I do see this relationship as an opportunity and motivation to start being an example of minimal consumerism.
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Tracy
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Aug 21 2007 at 12:35pm | IP Logged
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Tracy, what a great idea! Lessons! We always need lessons around here. Truly a gift that lasts a lifetime.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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CAgirl4God
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| Posted: Aug 21 2007 at 1:04pm | IP Logged
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if someone asks for suggestions we are more than happy to provide some. lol
as far as type of toys, or brand/country of origin, if it is something we will use then we keep it and as Nancy said, use it in love, as it was given.
but if it is something that we won't use of is objectional to our values, then I have no problem giving it away. It was a gift and as such for us to do with it as we see fit.
My sisters are awesome at gift giving. one usually gives nice, better quality clothes and the other many times gives books. I love that! they both have great taste, lol. my brother's also do pretty well usually a game or movie. most itmes it is right on.
I don't think that it is wise to 'push' an agenda on someone else, nor is it fair. if one asks for ideas or advice fine, be gracious and kind. But if they aren't asking, and you are just not satisfied with what is given (for whatever reason), then it isn't your place to dictate what others should or shouldn't give you.
ex: my wonderful, loving MIL gives me jewelry. but not the kind I have ever worn, lol. it is a bit old/elderly looking for me. and to flashy/bright. I don't wear much jewelry, but what I do wear is very low key. but she continues to give it to me. dh even talked to her once. about what style he 'noticed I wear', but that didn't register. lol. so I save it all for the kids one day. I just put it away.
this is a hard topic to discuss with out feelings getting hurt.
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doris
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| Posted: Aug 21 2007 at 5:57pm | IP Logged
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I really know what you mean, Amy! While my children were little, it was easy enough for certain gifts to disappear. Now, they do remember! I do try to grit my teeth a bit and realise that things won't last for ever, and actually getting too het up about it is probably just as bad as coveting the stuff in the first place!
This year I might set up an Amazon wishlist for dd's birthday. We need books so much more than we need more plastic tat! Having said that, dd really does see the love behind each gift, and appreciates it, so I can't get too stroppy...
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Red Cardigan
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Years ago my grandmother was the one who managed to buy the gifts on mom's "no" list. I remember one year in particular when she sent my little brother, then about four, a "He-Man" action figure (remember those?).  He was at just the right age to LOVE that thing--but he made it ride around on a cute little stuffed tiger which made it funny to mom, and now it's just a great childhood memory.
And my mom turned around and bought the gaudiest plastic jewelry/high heel set for my oldest DD on her fourth birthday!! You guessed it, she LOVED it much more than the 'quality' stuff. And now that she's a poised 11 year old who gets more grown up every day I absolutely cherish those birthday party photos of her in all that glittery shiny plastic.
Accepting a few twaddly gifts given with love and an appreciation of what children do treasure is wiser, I think, than turning this into a battle area. The plastic toys won't last, but childhood doesn't either.
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SeaStar
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| Posted: Aug 21 2007 at 7:25pm | IP Logged
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I struggled mightily with this last Christmas- I was on a decluttering roll, and I was tired and frustrated dealing with all of the plastic-y or what seemed then to me thoughtless gifts (for ex., my MIL knit wool sweaters for my dc and included a note that said they had to be handwashed. What mother wants and what child needs handwashable wool sweaters in Charleston, SC?)
Anyway, what a scrooge I became. I am ashamed of how critical I was. Finally I realized that no one was buying us gifts all the while thinking: Oh! I hope they hate this! That'll show them.
Now I realize that the best gift is just having people in our lives who love us so much they want to share a special day. Gifts come and go- family and friends are treasures.
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onemoretracy
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| Posted: Aug 21 2007 at 8:05pm | IP Logged
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SeaStar wrote:
What mother wants and what child needs handwashable wool sweaters in Charleston, SC?)
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We got one too last year and we live in HotLanta!
I think you made some beautiful points on remembering the whole "it's the thought that counts" philosophy. It really is true!
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Tracy
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DS Ryan-9
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DD Sara (Dec.6 '08)
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chicken lady
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| Posted: Aug 21 2007 at 9:46pm | IP Logged
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I use to have this as an issue with dh side of the family. Fortunatly they live close to us, so over the years she has caught on to our likes and dislikes. I have always asked her for ideas for her dc and that, I think got her to asking me! When you stick to your guns and graciously throughout the year discuss your goals and preferences eventually people catch on!
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: gift receiving vs. personal convictions?
