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Anonymous
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| Posted: Aug 16 2007 at 6:10pm | IP Logged
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A close relative has just told me (by email) that she had an abortion five years ago.
I'm shocked, and deeply saddened. She's just had a miscarriage, and that's what brought the news out.
We didn't grow up together, and live very far apart. I just don't know what to say to her. My husband says that if I say nothing, that's condoning it.
She's not practising as a Catholic (divorced, living with another man) so we just don't share the same framework.
I'm struggling. I want to 'speak the truth in love', but don't want to jeopardise our relationship. Does anyone have any advice?
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Meredith
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| Posted: Aug 16 2007 at 6:52pm | IP Logged
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No, but try as you can not to be judgmental as difficult as that may be. Praying for her and for your discernment in this tricky situation.
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Meredith
Mom of 4 Sweeties
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MarieC
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| Posted: Aug 16 2007 at 7:26pm | IP Logged
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I don't have any advice but will pray for all of you. Might Project Rachel have some info.? Or maybe Priests for Life?
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Marie
mom to 6
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Out in the Orchard
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Taffy
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| Posted: Aug 16 2007 at 7:41pm | IP Logged
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I have no experience with this, so take what I say with a grain of salt. My inclination would be to express my condolences to her. Express condolences for the death of her baby and for the fact that she felt that an abortion was her only option. At least, that's the assumption I would make. Her response would dictate what would happen next, I suppose...
But, as I said, this is a totally unqualified opinion.  
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Susan
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SeaStar
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| Posted: Aug 16 2007 at 7:50pm | IP Logged
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No advice- just prayers going up for you. This must be very hard
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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knowloveserve
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| Posted: Aug 16 2007 at 7:58pm | IP Logged
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I've been in this sitation. It is very difficult and awkward. I do think offering her a phone number or link to post-abortion counseling would be appropriate.
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Ellie
The Bleeding Pelican
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CAgirl4God
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| Posted: Aug 16 2007 at 7:59pm | IP Logged
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when she told you was it with remorse in her tone? was she confiding in you her pain or regret?
I would trend gently. the miscarriage may have brought many feelings and emotions that maybe even she didn't know she had about her abortion.
Be there for her without judging. save that for God. be her friend. remember God has already forgiven her. as shocking as it is for you, and as much as us Catholics (and many) do not condone this, she still needs your love and acceptance.
and if she isn't practicing her faith right now,coming across as condeming and /or judgemental may drive her farther away.
her confiding in you may very well be her reaching out for help in dealing with her past. esp if you are close she knows you do live your faith.
I am speaking for experience here. she may be in pain, though she may not tell you that.
many many prayers for all involved.
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Jamie, married to John
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Karen E.
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| Posted: Aug 16 2007 at 11:28pm | IP Logged
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Oh, I'll be praying for you!
I agree with others that her loss (the miscarriage) is probably bringing up buried/denied feelings about the abortion. She's looking to get it out in the open, and to talk about it, possibly at a new level, though it may take a long time for her to really face it. For whatever reason, she's chosen to confide in you.
Many post-abortive women live with unresolved grief over the loss of abortion, even though it was a deliberate choice. Sometimes, the abortion is the beginning of a long string of self-destructive choices and it can take years for the beginning glimpses of the truth to catch up with them.
You can be a listening and loving ear, someone she can talk to, without compromising the truth. It's entirely possible to have compassion for her, and for her mistakes and sins, without condoning the sins. What she needs to see and feel is that God *loves* the sinner (even though He condemns the sin.) She needs to know that she is not the sum total of her sins ... and it's possible that God can use this recent loss (her miscarriage) to call her back to Him.
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God bless,
Karen E.
mom to three on earth, and several souls in God's care
Visit my blog, with its shockingly clever title, "Karen Edmisten."
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Tami
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| Posted: Aug 17 2007 at 6:04am | IP Logged
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Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this. 
Yes, I agree too that you should express your condolences to her about losing *both* of her children.
And like Karen said, this is most certainly bringing out the grief (perhaps the grief she never knew she had, or felt free to express) over her abortion.
If you approach her with a compassionate heart as a mother who has lost 2 of her children, you're not likely to come across as judgmental. And since you're a mom who knows other women that have lost children, or perhaps experienced a pregnancy loss yourself, you really do have the framework to support her.
And it's important to do more listening than speaking.
I'll be praying for both of you.
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God bless,
Tami
When we are crushed like grapes, we cannot think of the wine we will become. (Nouwen)
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Matilda
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I don't have much time to type, but this same thing happened to me with a friend of mine. I was surprised at how "non judgmental" I was when she revealed this to me because I was very outspoken at the time on the subject.
I realized that I did not know all of the facts. That in her situation, she was as much a victim as her child was and she was just now realizing it.
I agree with the other ladies above, when a post-aborive woman loses a child that "they wanted" through miscarriage, it helps them realize that the baby that was aborted was like this child and the feelings and hormones can be devastating.
With all due respect to your husband, I don't believe that keeping quiet now means that you are condoning it. You might need to keep quiet for now in order to allow her to open up to you fully and be ready to accept the advice you have to offer.
My friend eventually went to confession (she had previously been afraid to go out of fear that the priest would tell her to "get out") but it took many conversations and gentle instruction as to what the church says and why.
Realize that you may not have all of the information to speak to her about this now. Ask the Holy Spirit to prompt you to speak and guide your words when the time is right.
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Charlotte (Matilda)
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with bookend boys and a double girl sandwich
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dawn2006
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My husband says that if I say nothing, that's condoning it.
Hi! I'm sticking my nose in here and you certainly don't need to listen to me! However, if she knows you're active in your faith then she knows already that you don't condone it. Speaking it out loud to her may appear to her that you care more about proseletyizing (sp??) than nurturing to her or offering support. The other ladies have given you very good advice. Good luck in this area.
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Dawn Farias | wife to Ariel | mom to Gabriel 9, Daniel 7, Elizabeth 5, and Michael 3 | blogger at Be Absorbed | native Texan but currently living near Seattle
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cathhomeschool
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I'll echo what Karen said. I have been in this situation before, only the person who confided in me did so after being truly sorry. It was still such a point of struggle, though -- at the beginning of the grieving process. I stressed that God loves and forgives, no matter what the sin.
Regardless of where your relative is in the acceptance/grieving process, I would stress that God loves and forgives when we go to Him with a contrite heart. You can love the sinner while hating the sin, just as God does.
Prayers for you as you become the tool of the Holy Spirit, and prayers for your relative as well.
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Janette (4 boys - 22, 21, 15, 14)
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ShawnaB
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There are many resources online to help those who are dealing with the many forms of Post Abortion Syndrome, and also assist those who walk alongside them. Also, your local Crisis Pregnancy Center will likely provide post-abortion counseling, and usually it also extends to family and friends who stand ready to help a loved one who has had an abortion. I know our Center does, and it can be a less intimidating first step towards reconcilation with Christ.
This was taken from the website of Ramah International, one such resource:
The research arm of Planned Parenthood (the world's largest abortion provider), the Alan Guttmacher Institute, states that, “An estimated 43% of women will have at least 1 abortion by the time they are 45 years old” (“Facts in Brief: Induced Abortion,” The Alan Guttmacher Institute, Washington‚ DC‚ January‚ 2000.). Clearly, the post abortive represent a large segment of our society. Yet few confess to this sin - especially to family and friends. Many deny comfort because they fear rejection and/or are unable to confront their own participation in ending their child’s life. Except for a handful of small ministry efforts offered through our nation’s 3‚200 pregnancy care centers and direct ministries, little is being done to reach these hearts with forgiveness and healing comfort available through Jesus Christ.
Ramah International is a Christian ministry, which may include Catholics, but is not specifically Catholic(I don't think). There may be others that are, though. I might try a Google search for "post abortion help" and see what comes up. There is likely a lot of good information to help you understand and help your family member.
I'll pray for you.
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Shawna, wife of Jacob, mom to Abraham 8 Amelia 5 and Jillian & Jonathan age 3 years http://www.psalm121family.com
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Advice please?
