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Bethany
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| Posted: Aug 14 2007 at 5:50pm | IP Logged
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Well, I knew you ladies would be able to help me if I'm being unreasonable in this situation.
My husbands parents divorced officially a couple of months ago, however, they were seperated for about 2 years prior. She has been seeing a gentleman for a couple of months and I haven't gotten the impression that it is overly serious. However, when she was visiting this weekend she told me she would like for her and her friend to come to see us in the early fall. My children are young but are starting to notice that they never see my husbands parents together, which I'm ok with that talk when the time comes, I'm not sure I'm ready to discuss grandmothers dating  .
My mother suggested I try to put it off until spring after the new baby is here and if he's still around then maybe it's not such a bad thing. But, the more I think about it the more creepy I feel. I actually would prefer they not meet any men she's dating unless they are engaged. Because really this man has no connection to them what so ever. I also don't like the idea of a man I've never met in my house with my young daughters. That's probably just being paranoid.
I don't know what to do! I need to talk to DH more, but he left town before she told me this. I know he won't be comfortable saying this to her, she can become defensive and offended pretty easily. It probably won't help my relationship with her either. She already thinks I'm a crazy, homeschooling, convert who takes these things way to seriously  (she's a cradle catholic and a former school teacher).
So am I being overly worried about something or does any of this make sense?
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Bethany
Wife to Mike, Mommy to Amelia (6/02), Sarah (10/03), Martha Grace (10/05), Rebecca Anne (12/07), Laura Catherine (3/10) and Reed Michael 7/4/14.
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happymama
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| Posted: Aug 14 2007 at 6:52pm | IP Logged
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to clarify - does she want to come for an afternoon or an overnight? Any potential for an annulment anytime soon?
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: Aug 14 2007 at 8:09pm | IP Logged
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It probably couldn't hurt to let the children meet their grandmother's friend. I get the impression that they live far enough away that you wouldn't really have to worry about the kids forming an attachment to him. I can totally understand you not wanting him to stay at your house overnight.
If she is a cradle Catholic and she knows your level of obedience to the Church, then she should not expect her gentleman friend to share a room with her in your house. She may want it, but she shouldn't expect it.
Maybe you could suggest that they stay in a hotel. You could try to play the angle that the whole thing could be too confusing for the children. Tell her they are already confused that they don't see Grandma and Grandpa together anymore.
Good luck with this one.
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chicken lady
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| Posted: Aug 14 2007 at 8:27pm | IP Logged
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Yikes, I would feel the same as you! I like your mothers advice. We had a similar experience with a BIL bringing over his girlfriends. My girls (when younger) got very confused and asked all sorts of questions that were not easy to answer. And of course just when we warmed up to one, the girls adored her, they broke up never to be heard from again. Today, with this particular BIL, no girlfriends at my home. He too thinks I am wacky, but Oh well maybe I am!!!
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JodieLyn
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It would depend for me on how they'd respect my boundaries with "public displays of affection" etc. If they came and it was easy to pass him as "grandma's friend" and not bring the whole dating thing into it.. I likely wouldn't have a problem. After all, if grandma and grandpa were still together and they had a friend and wanted to invite him.. I'd be very likely to welcome him into our house (with reasonable precautions).
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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missionfamily
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We have a similar situation at my house with my own mom. She is a widow, but is now living with a man. IT was way awkward at first, but she and I have talked about it extensively and come to some peace with one another. It is heart-breaking however that she cannot come visit us for a whole weekend because she knows our boundaries and respects them (without me having to state them). It's still very emotional for me, but it doesn't really seem to affect the kids. She comes for the day, with him or a friend, and they never ask why she doesn't stay longer. They relish the time she's here and seem to simply accept that Mr. So and So is a special person to her and therefore welcome and loved in our home. They have no idea she lives with him and she doesn't put them in a situation to have to ask those questions. While I walk away from it emotionally raw at times, I am grateful to have a mom who shows so much respect for my family's values and who loves me and my kids enough to make accomodations to spend time with us. I pray you'll also find a respectful resolution in your situation.
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Colleen
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SuzanneG
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| Posted: Aug 14 2007 at 10:24pm | IP Logged
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JodieLyn wrote:
| It would depend for me on how they'd respect my boundaries with "public displays of affection" etc. If they came and it was easy to pass him as "grandma's friend" and not bring the whole dating thing into it.. I likely wouldn't have a problem. |
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This is how I'd feel about it too. This has happened with a neighbor of ours. I'd be quite clear that any of her friends is welcome, just not in the capacity as "romantically involved". No touching, kissing, holding hands, etc. Saying that it's too confusing to the kids since they aren't married or even engaged. If she doesn't like this, then it's her choice not to come.
ETA: you are not being unresonable. I sort of like your mom's idea too. But, if you think she'd be offended by this "putting off", then maybe that would cause more hard feelings.
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Suzanne in ID
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Bethany
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| Posted: Aug 15 2007 at 6:25am | IP Logged
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They do live far away, so if this realtionship was to end, this would probably be the only time they would meet him. Unfortunately, we would have to be VERY clear about how we feel. She's doesn't take hints very well.
My SIL and her children have met him but her children are slighty younger and her husbands parents were divorced before they had children so they are use to grandparents having "friends". I'll have to ask her what they were like in front of the children. This is touchy also because it's her mother.
I'm just stressed about it because I can see this being such an issue with her that if we even bring it up she would not speak to my husband for quite a while. However, I'm tired of everyone just accepting her, sometimes, bad behavior because they are afraid of her reaction.
Maybe I can delicately postpone this and if the time ultimately comes, then we'll just have to be very clear about what we expect in our home. I just hate this because you shouldn't have to be telling your parents how to act appropriately.
Thank you for your kind words and support! Glad to know I'm not crazy.
Bethany
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Bethany
Wife to Mike, Mommy to Amelia (6/02), Sarah (10/03), Martha Grace (10/05), Rebecca Anne (12/07), Laura Catherine (3/10) and Reed Michael 7/4/14.
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: How to deal with a MIL issue?
