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Michaela
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| Posted: June 13 2007 at 12:07pm | IP Logged
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The stress level in my house is thick enough to cut.
We moved into this house to help out my mom. She needed to get out because of her stress load and the financial burden. My schizophrenic brother was living here giving her a VERY hard time (she had a small stroke) and she had to rent out the bedrooms to make the mortgage after my dad died.
DH retired from the army and timing seemed perfect for us to move in "to keep the house in the family" so she could move to a townhouse.
NOTHING has worked out for us. We knew immediately we had made the biggest mistake. Within 30 days the rain started & the roof started to leak. She has had a new roof put on, but the leak continues when there is hard rain because it's an add on room that wasn't built correctly. She brought a contractor to look at the BLACK MOLD growing out of the wall -- (we removed wallpaper & found it) -- that was a month ago & no work has begun.
We were told everything was new....within the first three months we had to replace the water heater, washer & dryer, stove, and the dishwasher needs to be replaced, but DH is upset (to put it nicely) and doesn't want to fork out anymore money. We pay my brother (the schizophrenic one) $$$$ to come & fix up the yard. I don't have time nor do I care about working HOURS in the yard each day, mom promised she'd do it, but doesn't....
Just watering takes a few hours each day which to me isn't something I can deal with because I still have young children who need attending to.
Every minute DH has free he is online looking for a house or making appts to see houses.
I told him we can't leave....WE ARE STUCK....because I can't leave my mom in financial hardship...she won't sell to anyone else.....we are stuck! That makes DH very unhappy...he's not even happy coming home anymore.
I know my marriage come first (we aren't talking divorce here...just priorities should be my immediate family), however I know I need to take care of my mom & want my children to see they shouldn't just leave me struggling when they get older.
This is long....sorry.
I just don't know what to do. I feel that Our Lord put us here for a reason...my mom! Seriously. Everything worked out too perfect for Him not to have His hand guiding us here. I absolutely know He wants me to help my mom, but I'm not doing a very good job. Our relationship turned sour after all this.
Would you please say a prayer for me? I need Our Lord to guide me. I trying hard to keep my depression at bay & deal with all this.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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Michaela
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| Posted: June 13 2007 at 12:21pm | IP Logged
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As if it wasn't long enough.
I wanted to say the reason I mentioned my brother's schizophrenia is because now we are dealing with it. My kids have been exposed to things I wouldn't have wanted. He speaks as if he's Jesus and sometimes Satan. He tells them he was in the house....said something a month ago about "they" wouldn't come kill us because I have kids. Comes by late at night....we know the sound of his car. It's freaky, but I don't thiiiiink he'd do anything. He loves this house...he was here 30 years.
Ok, sorry for going on and on. I just feel trapped.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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MaryM
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| Posted: June 13 2007 at 12:22pm | IP Logged
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Michaela, I'm praying for you. What a tough situation. You are being pulled in so many directions trying to meet everyones needs and expectations - a challenge for those who have such generous hearts.
Praying for wisdom for you and your dh to make decisions according to His will for your family.
HUGS to you 
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Mary M. in Denver
Our Domestic Church
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MicheleQ
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| Posted: June 13 2007 at 12:31pm | IP Logged
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Michaela,
I will pray for you. Family situations are always so hard but let me say this, while I understand not wanting to leave your mom hanging, it seems as though that is what she has done to you to some degree.
You want your children to see they shouldn't just leave you struggling but don't you also want them to see that their immediate family and its needs must come first, and that they should show respect to their husbands by listening to and following their direction?
If you want your children to help you when you are older make them a priority now (I know you do this already I am just making a point) and don't put them in the same situation your mother has put you in.
Again I know this is a hard situation and I WILL pray for you - hang in there.
God bless,
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Michele Quigley
wife to my prince charming and mom of 10 in Lancaster County, PA USA
http://michelequigley.com
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hylabrook1
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| Posted: June 13 2007 at 3:37pm | IP Logged
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Oh, Michaela. Hugs and prayers. This is (obviously) such a hard situation in so many ways. And I know you are trying so hard to do the right thing for everybody involved. Praying that a solution becomes clear and that you all can hang on in the meantime.
Peace,
Nancy
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Bella
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Michaela,
I am praying for you. I think you have set an excellent example for your children.You and your dh have tried very hard to help your Mom. Hindsight is everything-you had no idea things would turn out the way they have. And personally, I think that when you try and try to make something workout, and it isn't-it sometimes means the Holy Spirit is guiding you in another direction.It just isn't meant to be. And only God knows why.
I understand that situation of feeling stuck. It is a horrible way to live.(((Hug))) As my stepMom has always said,"Crisis often means time for a change." That used to annoy me when I was in my 20's, but now in my 40's, I find it to be more true than ever before.
Hang in there, everything will turn out as it should-eventually.
God Bless,
Christy
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aussieannie
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Micheala, A BIG - I am asking my dear guardian angel to send this over to you...
I will be placing you on the 'long term' prayer side of my Miraculous Medal Prayer Petition Mobile and will pray for you and your dear family every day - praying for answers to all these difficult things - praying that you will be blessed greatly, spiritually and temporally.
God Bless and lots of love, Anne
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Under Her Starry Mantle
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Mackfam
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| Posted: June 13 2007 at 5:12pm | IP Logged
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Oh Michaela - what a stressful situation. It sounds like it has certainly done a number on the family peace. And I know well how a situation like this seems so clouded with no good solution in sight. I will certainly be offering prayers for you and your family.
In the dark hours of the night, it was St. Joseph to whom God sent angels to direct the holy family to flee immediately to Egypt. Seek God's will through your husband, and trust that God will grant peace to your heart in your sweet obedience to him. I'm sending my prayers for wisdom, clarity, courage, and peace in this situation. Prayers and many many
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Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19 , ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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Leonie
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Michaela, hugs and prayers..
Is there a way you and dh can get out together - be alone, to pay and talk seriously about the situation? Sometimes, this time out helps with decision making.
Is there a priest you can talk to about this situation - an objective, prayerful priest can often see something we can't see ( the wood for the trees..).
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Leonie in Sydney
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lapazfarm
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I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds awful
I think the idea of speaking to a priest is a good one. They always have a way of seeing things more clearly, somehow.
And I also think Michelle gives good food for thought. Your immediate family does come first, and your husband first of all.
Is there a reason other than sentimentality that your mother won't sell to anyone else? If that is the only reason, then I can't see it being enough to keep you in a bad situation.
My prayers go out to you.
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
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KC in TX
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What a tough situation. I don't have any words of advice, just prayers coming your way.
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KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
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Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
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Erin
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Michaela
I feel for you soo much. And your dh's anguish is so important to listen to too. You must feel a little like the piggy in the middle. However as has been said before your own husband and children come first. The situation with your brother is not good either
For the last couple of years I have 'walked' with a friend as she has struggled to keep her parents in their home, she and they didn't want them going to a home. They were in their eighties and not well. My irl friend had a baby at 46  but spent so much time caring for her parents she never really had time to slow down. She was driving over to their place three times a day in the end to set the table, wash up etc. I could see she was at breaking point, it was only God that kept her going. Anyhow when her dad died she struggled to keep her mum at home. When her mum had a fall she decided that she didn't feel safe at home anymore and they made the decision to place her in a nursing home. Guess what?!! The thing they dreaded turned out to be the best thing, her mum ended up loving it!! and my friend could go back to enjoying her mum and they deepened their relationship, before she was busy being the caregiver. My irl friend now regrets that her mum's time in the home was so short (it was only a few months) before she was 'called home'.
I hope I'm alright in sharing this, not too sure why I am, I guess I'm saying that maybe, just maybe what your mum's dreads may not be as bad as she thinks. It does sound like your emotions are being used here.
Prayers for you and dh, the children and your mum.
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Erin
Faith Filled Days
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Becky Parker
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| Posted: June 14 2007 at 5:55am | IP Logged
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Michaela,
This must be very difficult. I have a mother that was very attached emotionally to her house. I grew up there and it is a big old victorian. I have to admit, I loved it too. But, over the years, since she is a widow, the house became way too much for her to take care of. The neighborhood she lived in also became worse and worse. It was at the point that my brothers and I worried about her safety. When I would talk to her about moving she would say she just couldn't. She loved the house too much, it was the one God lead her to when we were younger, etc. I would just listen to her sympathetically and not say a whole lot. But then I realized I was really just "enabling" her to be attached to something of this world that was not bearing good fruit in her life. My brother was the strong one. He talked to her frequently and finally got her to look at new houses. She finally moved, and after about a month of complaining about her new house, she is settled in and a much more peaceful person.
I guess I'm telling you all this to say I sort of understand how a person can become emotionally attached to a house, but sometimes we don't realize how strong these attachments are, and how they cloud our "vision" of what the Lord is really calling us to.
I want to add that I agree with following your husband's lead. I think, through the sacrament of marriage, our husbands are often given wisdom for our family. It's not always easy, but in times such as this that you are going through, I always say a novena to St. Joseph and ask the Lord to please give my dh wisdom, then I act in faith and obedience and follow his lead.
Don't know if that helps any, but please know that I will pray for you, your mom, and your family.
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Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
Academy Of The Good Shepherd
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Martha
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| Posted: June 14 2007 at 8:00am | IP Logged
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Michaela -
I know this isn't what you want to hear because right now you are very divided. I say this with tender feeling and experience.
Listen to your dh and move. You are not trapped by anything other than guilt you don't deserve.
Your dh and your dc are FIRST, just as you already said. You can only help your mother if she is willing to be helped and what your mother needs to do is sell the house or keep up on it. If she can't afford to keep up on it - then she can either sell it or have it taken from her by lenders. The choice is hers and your dh/dc shouldn't suffer for it.
I do agree with you 100% that you should help your mother as much as she will let you, but that does not mean living in that house. Not keeping that house for her is hardly the same thing as abandoning her to the wolves. (Although if she's like my mom was, she'll make you think so!  ) By all means, see to it that she gets what she needs, but this house is not a need.
As for your db... I would not take what he says lightly! He needs serious help and meds. If he doesn't get it, then he shouldn't be anywhere near your precious children. Esp. if he even whispers words like "killing" in any frame. I know, you don't think he'd ever do anything. No one ever does. I beg you not to risk being wrong.
I know you love them. I know you want to help them and fix their lives and be a good daughter/sister/person of Christ. I'm simply suggesting that maybe you can be all that without the house or terrified children.
Maybe you could get a home with a mil plan and your mom could stay with you? Or look for a home near her townhouse? I don't know if that's good or not b/c I don't know how well she'd work within the family. If she has reached a point where she isn't able to manage her own finances or maintain her own home - then this might be good. She'd still be independent and all, but if she needs help - family is right there.
I feel for you and you'll be in our prayers. I know it's hard.
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Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
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Tina P.
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Praying for your discernment in this difficult situation. BTW, Michaela, Michele and Martha hit my sentiments spot on. There's only so much you can do to please others that hurts your immediate relationships.
God bless,
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Tina, wife to one and mom to 9 + 3 in heaven
Mary's Muse
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Cheryl M.
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Michaela,
Prayers for you - it all does sound very stressful. Our family has sorta BTDT - a couple years ago my parents wanted to downsize and built a much smaller home. They then sold our family home of 40 years where they raised me and my five brothers - lots of memories - lots of attachment. It was very hard to let that house and property go, but in hindsight it's been such a blessing for them and us (their 6 kids). I bet there is someone out there who would love to own the home - restoring the areas that need attention and relieving you and your husband of a burden. Prayers for your mother and brother also.
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Time-Really-Does-Fly
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Michaela
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| Posted: June 19 2007 at 9:48pm | IP Logged
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Thank you so much for your feedback and especially prayers. A few comments really helped me to see this situation differently. I let my DH know that I'm willing to follow his lead. My mom won't take the news well, but I guess if she really can't let go of this place she'll move back. Maybe we were put here so that she and my brothers could get accustomed to eventually not living here. The move will be better for my family and honestly smooth the bumps caused by us moving in and them realizing I'm not here to step in my mothers shoes.
I'll talk to my mother about it this weekend.
In the long run, it will be MUCH better for all of us even if they can't see that now.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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hylabrook1
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| Posted: June 20 2007 at 12:12pm | IP Logged
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Michaela -
Praying that the Holy Spirit will guide your conversation with your mother.
Peace,
Nancy
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momwise
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| Posted: June 20 2007 at 6:30pm | IP Logged
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Michaela,
I know you probably have this covered but I thought I'd better mention it...whether you stay or move, a totally thorough house blessing would be a good idea and if you've already done it...well, I'd have another one (which I had to do before). The priest should cover each and every room with prayer and holy water, and you can use the holy water liberally on a daily basis too. I pray this prayer:
Lord I beg you to visit this home and banish from it all the deadly power of the enemy. May your holy angels dwell here to keep us in peace and may your blessing be upon us always.
I know, it's not immediately related to what you asked for but it will ease your suffering (strengthen your spirits) a little.
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Gwen...wife for 30 years, mom of 7, grandma of 3.....
"If you want equal justice for all and true freedom and lasting peace, then America, defend life." JPII
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