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Jenn Sal
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| Posted: May 05 2007 at 3:32am | IP Logged
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Not sure if this is the right place for this issue, but I'm throwing it out here. Does anyone have any books, articles, sites, etc. that they have found helpful for dealing with anger management with a 5yo child? I'm needing help with a plan that the whole family can focus on.
Needing lots of help! 
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Jennifer, Texas
Wife to Mark, Mom to Cora 13,Kade 10, Sarah in Heaven 12/05, Colette 7, Corin 5, & Kieran 2
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doris
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| Posted: May 05 2007 at 6:41am | IP Logged
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I'll be looking at this thread with interest as several of us have anger management issues -- starting with me 
I love the book, 'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk' by Faber and Mazlish. Also -- for mums -- 'She's Gonna Blow!' by Julie Barnhill. (Written from a Protestant perspective.)
I'm really trying to work on making the dc understand that there's nothing wrong with feeling angry, it's what you do with it. So we also have a list of family rules along the lines of 'kind hands', 'kind feet', etc. (My guys are quite young.) Faber and Mazlish have some good suggestions on what children *can* do if they're angry -- such as scribbling on a piece of paper. I haven't tried that yet.
We've also got 'A Children's Book about Throwing Tantrums' by Joy Berry. It's aimed at children and also has some good suggestions on ways of getting out the anger.
In our family, it really needs to start with me! We included 'kind teeth' on the list of house rules because the dc mentioned that they don't like it when I speak with clenched teeth... That was a wake-up call!
We've also explicitly prayed for our little angry 3yo and it's really helped.
HTH. I will pray for your intentions.
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Home educating in London, UK with dd (2000) ds (2002), dd (2004), ds (2008) and dd (2011).
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guitarnan
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Judith Viorst's Alexander and the Terrible, No Good, Horrible, Very Bad Day is a great book to read with kids of that age...it shows that some days are just, well, not good! Often children need to learn words to use when they are mad; reading books about angry children can help do that.
Also, keep play clay around for your children to pound when they feel the internal volcano building up (especially when they can't go outdoors to run around).
BTDT...it's hard to teach children to use their angry feelings properly...
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Leonie
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Drawing worked well for us - drawing their angry feelings, with crayon or texta and large pieces of paper...
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Helen
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Jenn,
Here's an old post dealing with the Marian/spiritual side of managing anger. It is directed more to adults who need to maintain patience despite a difficult situation.
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Jenn Sal
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| Posted: May 05 2007 at 9:36am | IP Logged
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These are all great suggestions! Thank you!  Helen, I read the old post. I love the idea of looking at someone and picturing their head as a tabernacle! Leonie, I need to get back to those basics of drawing feelings and using clay, Nancy. I did laugh about Alexander and the Terrible, No Good, Horrible, Very Bad Day. My 5yo has always disliked that book! We actually got rid of it because she would get upset at the sight of it. I have 'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk' by Faber and Mazlish and pulled it again two months ago. It helps me be in the right place, but I haven't seen a change in my daughter.
I posted this email last night after a discussion with my dh. He knows it starts with his anger and it filters out to us. We are going to work on a plan this weekend as a family. Since I am with her all day, we decided that when he comes home from work, he needs to assist with the plan. So, Instead of pointing fingers at one another, we're going to all work on something and keep eachother in check. I think my husband and daughter feel that they are the "screw-ups" of the family because when they do "screw-up" it is very loud! 
I would love more suggestions.
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Jennifer, Texas
Wife to Mark, Mom to Cora 13,Kade 10, Sarah in Heaven 12/05, Colette 7, Corin 5, & Kieran 2
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chicken lady
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For me (referencing Helen here) I need to watch comparing. I find when my eyes are on others abilities and my inabilities I get angry. I have to stop, turn inward and ask myself what is wrong. Too often it is looking outside my family and comparing.
Listening for advice for the littles!!
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Jenn Sal
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I forgot to mention the book, Boundaries with Kids, by, Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend. I don't have the time I need to get through it, but every read is worth it.
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Jennifer, Texas
Wife to Mark, Mom to Cora 13,Kade 10, Sarah in Heaven 12/05, Colette 7, Corin 5, & Kieran 2
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florasita
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I can only speak from experience . I do however have a very gifted priest / spiritual director whose ministry is healing specific to abuse / anger issues .So I have had great teachers and help along the way . So far it has been free . In my opinion this is the true sign it is of God for me anyway 
Books , people , programs can help .However in learning to deal with the issue of anger it really is surrender & acceptance that have to take place .
For both victims and abusers we can itellectually understand anger , its harm etc. but ultimatly it is up to us to change to make the choice to use our anger in a posative way & to have a posative outcome .
Anger is not a sin it is what we choose to do with it that can make it sin or not .
This where I find books , listening to ideas from others can help but truely we must first make the choice and admit , acknowledge we want to change our choices .
When we truely want to do this and turn to the Trinity , Mary , Angels and Saints . God will send what we need . It will come . Be it in the form of a book , radio show , councellor etc.
Some key notes to be very careful of . The devil loves people looking to solve thier issues of abuse , anger etc. He often tries to dangle very pleasing things in our face to tempt us . This is what is refered to as evil in the guise of good . It will look very very good , very tempting , the quick fix .
When God sends us true healing it can be almost instant and the fruit is one of peace complete peace however to get to that instant healing it is not a quick fix method . Often we need go through many hard struggles and lessons .
Anger is almost always hidden forms of fear , resentments , hurts etc. there is no quick fix for these things that promote the emotion of anger . It will take time , His time ,not ours . Try and look at it like grieving . It will be ongoing and not fixed in a day . Just like grieving your emotion of anger will never leave it is something every human being will always have .
In order to work on your anger you really have to be able to face it . It is not always as easy as we think . For example . A mum is yelling at her kids or dh . She will even say oh I'm so angry at my kids . these kids etc. resentment builds .She feels cheated, used and abused etc.
she can't just hide what is truely upsetting her she needs to see why she feels this way . Deep down .Why do we feel hurt , mad , want to hurt others ?Often it is a learned behaviour as well .Something perhaps an abusive parent , spouce , friend taught us .
So when we can identify we have a roblem and admit , acknowldge it that is the first step .
Next we need to know we all have choices .We choose to be a victim and abused .Hard to admit but its true .As adults we make that choice .
Then often we are mad at others because we are not getting our way . Sometimes it is out and out selfish behaviour . We are deep down mad because we feel we are deserving of a day at the spa and its not happening what are our expectations of ourselves , on others , of God etc. ?
At times abuse is taking place . People also make the choice to abuse us . So what can we do to change it ? We cannot change the behaviour of others but we can change our own . So if my dh is being abusive what will I do . I can only look , see my part , pray to God to help me change myself in this cycle . Often the change in others around us will happen too as a result . If not then we will find we also have the strength inside to deal with very hard issues .
These are adult like examples but the point is we need to teach our children to recognize thier anger & know how to properly deal with it otherwise we can enable them and yes even teach them to become abusers or victims themselves .
Some authors that have helped me with anger are Mother Teresa , Oscar Romero , Padre Pio ,Fr. Pinto
Being a Victim ST.Paul , ST.Juan Diego , ST.Francis ,ST.Mary Magdelen
Examples in the life of Jesus to mediatate on the sorrows of Mary , His Holy Face & Sacred Heart ,His Agony in the Garden , When the people wanted to Stone the woman , When he became Angry at the Temple market place , All the times he gave Love to sinners like us is a very good focus
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Dawnie
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Jenn,
Here are some things that have helped my almost 8yo daughter...
Although I believe it is important to have consequences for behavior that hurts others (such as hitting, scratching, kicking, calling names, etc.), I have found that giving my daughter an ideal to reach for is more effective in helping her manage her anger than trying to punish the behavior out of her. Here is what we did...I made a sticker chart for my dd. If she got through the day without doing anything to physically hurt (or try to hurt) me or any other member of the family, she got a sticker. If she got 5 stickers in a week, there was a prize (getting to play a game of her choice w/ Mom or Dad). If she got 6 stickers, a better prize (going to the movie store and picking out a video to watch as a family). If she got 7 stickers, the best prize of all (a milk and donut date w/ Mom or Dad). The first week we tried this, she got 5 stickers. That was a MAJOR improvement, as I had been dealing w/ her hitting, kicking, spitting, and scratching when she got angry almost daily. I found it interesting that we made more progress in a WEEK by reinforching positive behavior than with MONTHS of consistently punishing bad behavior.
Now, we have had some backsliding recently and we are going back to the chart next week. I am going to include a heading for "speaking kindly to others" on the new chart as well as "not trying to hurt others." FWIW, I've read that for sticker charts to be most effective, there should not be more than 3 or 4 items at a time on the chart.
Here are a few other things that help...it helps to establish firm boundaries. If my dd hits, that is not acceptable behavior and she has to go to her room for time-out and to cool off. I will not allow her to remain with the rest of the family while she is hurting/trying to hurt others. If she yells insults and threats from her room during time-out, I close the door and tell her that I cannot listen to her talk like that. If she wants the door open, then she must speak to others the way she would like to be spoken to. If I am trying to talk to her after the time-out is over, I leave if she starts yelling or verbally attacking me ("I hate you!", "you're a mean mom," "stupid mom" stuff like that). I tell her that it's okay for her to tell me how she feels, I will not stick around while she says things that hurt me.
I try to pray for my daughter when she's in the midst of an angry episode. This is as much for me as it is for her...I'm sure I don't need to tell you that these episodes try my patience very severely.
I've also found that trying to talk to her while she is very angry is not helpful. She needs to calm down before she can listen to reason and see that her behavior is wrong.
She had an angry episode last night and I wrote her a letter after she went to bed and gave it to her in the morning. I wrote that I loved her very much, that I would always love her, and there was nothing she could do that would make me stop loving her. Then I wrote that her behavior had hurt me. Finally, I wrote that I would like to help her think of better ways to deal with her anger and that I would like to help her calm down when she gets angry. After she read the letter, we talked about some things she could do differently next time she felt angry (we've done this before...I can see that it will take some time and practice before dealing with anger differetly becomes a habit for her). Next time she feels angry, she agreed that she would tell me, "Mom, I feel angry. I need to go cool off." I suggested that she write in her journal when she feels mad (okay, your dd is probably too young for this...maybe looking at a book would help her calm down?). She also apologized for the way she had acted and I forgave her and told her that I loved her.
I try to praise my dd when I see her dealing better with her anger...saying "I'm angry!" instead of yelling insults and calling names.
Basically, I'm trying to teach her that it's okay to be angry, but it's not okay to hurt others (with actions or words) when you're angry.
I've come to accept that this is a long-term project. I try to rest in the confidence that God gave me this child, so He will give me the grace to help her.
Dawn
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Jenn Sal
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| Posted: May 05 2007 at 6:43pm | IP Logged
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My husband made a huge leap in his faith 1 1/2 ago. This has helped us overcome many things. Yet, the closer we get to God, we feel the pull from the devil even stronger. So I understand your warning, florasita. We now feel that we are being pulled by God to further our healing.
We had our family meeting tonight. It was amazing some of the things that my daughter said. We have been talking about the Fruits of the Holy Spirit and we decided that self-control will be our word for the week. We are going to try and use words for when we are shooting anger and we each chose a "safe place" where we can go to cool off. My daughter made a sign that says "QUIET SPACE" and we are going to move some things out of her room so she can't damage them if it gets bad.
We are not looking for perfection, but for healthy habits. We all admitted our flaws humbly and made a family and spiritual vow to stick to our plan.
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Jennifer, Texas
Wife to Mark, Mom to Cora 13,Kade 10, Sarah in Heaven 12/05, Colette 7, Corin 5, & Kieran 2
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Anger Management Ideas
