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Nina Murphy
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| Posted: April 19 2007 at 1:56pm | IP Logged
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Dear Friends,
My dad (on his 3rd marriage---do you remember, he just visited and I was stressed....???) is upset because he wants two of my children to fly out to AZ and stay with him and his wife and then drive back here (total of a little more than a week). My husband is NO on their visiting relatives and staying with them who don't practice any faith life and are on 2nd and 3rd marriages (with non-believing mates).
This is what he wrote me:
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"Sometimes you two should consider what's good for the kids as opposed
to
what you
two want. Letting go and giving them some freedom might be totally
healthy.
Not
allowing the kids to visit their grandparemnts is kind of limiting
don't you
think?"
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Could you all take a moment to give me a wise word? I am upset right now dealing with this. I told him I am sorry to disappoint him but I guess I am shaky......that I was going to respect my husband and that being united is important and this is what we have decided about children being split up and sent off (of course he thinks this is hogwash).
Martha? Chari? Others of you had opinions/wise words from before about non-believing relatives....remember? I could just use a comforting word. Or are we crazy and wrong and is my dad right?
Thanks and love to you all....
__________________
God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: April 19 2007 at 2:12pm | IP Logged
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perhaps he needs to take his own advice..
"Letting go and giving them some freedom"
As in he needs to let go of having you do things his way. 
and
Quote:
| I was going to respect my husband and that being united is important and this is what we have decided |
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this is a weak statement because it implies that you're just respecting your dh and you don't agree.. and he's gonna keep prying at that wedge as long as it's there.
simply telling him that "this is the set rules that we have" would be much stronger and as I sais above.. I'd be a bit inclined to use his own words against him.. but if it would cause more problems that it would solve.. not a good idea. but I was thinking something like..
Dad, it's time for you to let go and let us have some freedom to raise our family as we have chosen to do. It's different than what you have done and would choose to do. That doesn't mean that you were wrong, just that we've chosen something different.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Nina Murphy
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| Posted: April 19 2007 at 2:14pm | IP Logged
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This is great, Jodie. I actually think I'm going to write that last paragraph (with slight variations) to him....do I need to footnote/credit you?
__________________
God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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Anne McD
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| Posted: April 19 2007 at 2:14pm | IP Logged
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Oh, Nina, I have no advice, just sympathy and prayers! 
I do find his first sentence rather ironic, though-- the same goes for him, eh?
You are very blessed that you have your husband standing shoulder to shoulder re: this with you! Good luck and God bless!!
__________________
Anne
Wife to Jon
Mommy to Alex 9
James 8
Katie 6
William 3 1/2
Benedict Joseph 1
and baby on the way! 10/14
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cvbmom
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| Posted: April 19 2007 at 2:18pm | IP Logged
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Nina,
Just sending words of encouragement. I believe that you and your dh are NOT crazy and wrong on this one.
I don't have any solutions or words of wisdom on this one, but am eager to hear how others deal with this (I have a similar situation with my sister). But I do want to say that no matter how difficult it is to say no and stand up for what is right, it'll be more difficult to deal with the consequences later. Pay now or pay later, right? Which is worse? The guilt, anxiety, etc. you'll have after caving in is so not worth giving in for. Not standing your ground on this one will make it more difficult to stand your ground in the future (Sadly, I know this one from experience  )
Anyway, just know that you aren't alone and you AREN'T crazy.
God bless,
Christine
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Nina Murphy
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| Posted: April 19 2007 at 2:29pm | IP Logged
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Thank you dear ones for the words of encouragement.
Do keep it coming, and thoughts....Do be bold with me, ladies-----whatever you have, I can take it!!! (Eeek...I don't know....can I?)
Right. Look, bottom line this is Brendan. I probably would cave and allow them to go, saying "I am pleasing my father, being a respectful daughter" or "they get to experience a different world in a different state for a while".
__________________
God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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Betsy
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| Posted: April 19 2007 at 2:44pm | IP Logged
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+JMJ+
Nina,
I have no advice really, but was thinking about this situation with my own Mother.
She really does not like kids...didn't like the two she had, and has even less patients for my boys.
SO, she has had very little involvement in their lives besides a few gifts. HOWEVER, she keeps insisting that when the two oldest are ready she is going to take them for a few weeks every summer.
I find this so ironic that she hasn't wanted to spend the time with them when they were little developing this relationship, but she expects them to want to hop on a plane and spend weeks with them in the summer when they are older?
I know that we will have to endure a similar argument someday but I keep telling myself that we need to only be concerned about getting their souls to heaven and when our family is all there we can spend eternity together. (Hopefully extended family will be their too?!?!)
Stay strong,
Betsy
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Nina Murphy
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| Posted: April 19 2007 at 2:46pm | IP Logged
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Brilliant, Betsy. Exactly.
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God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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Ruth
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Nina, no words of advice, just and prayers. We won't let our children spend alone time with our family members either. They always get angry with me, but eventually they drop it. Good luck!
__________________
Ruth
mom to 7 miracles
My family blog
Loreto Rosaries
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ladybugs
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I think it's important to remember that we're not here to make our parents happy.
If your dad can't be pleased, well, that's that.
He'll need to figure out how to deal with not getting his way.
Now, I'm not always strong and can be quite the wimpy one but really, this isn't about what he wants.
It's about the kids and I'll pray that he can see that!
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Love and God Bless,
Maria P
My etsy store - all proceeds go to help my fencing daughters!
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Nina Murphy
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Thank you, guys. I need that. Prayers that "he see"----that will make it oh so much easier, right?
__________________
God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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guitarnan
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| Posted: April 19 2007 at 9:36pm | IP Logged
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Stand your ground. Write out what you want to say when he calls you and carry it around, so you can whip out your 3x5 card and bolster your courage.
You don't owe him time with your children. He owes you respect as the mother of his grandchildren, and he owes you trust because you are the mother of your family. He's not.
Were I you, I would phrase things something like, "Brendan and I have discussed this extensively. We know you love the children very much. We both agree that they're not ready to go out on their own like this."
The end. You don't owe him extensive explanations. In the end, he can't get them out there without your consent, period. You have to agree to put them on the plane, and you aren't planning to do that.
(I did have to carry around a little card like this for a while. My family's issues were different, but I was under a lot of pressure to do something that only benefitted certain members of the extended family without regard to the feelings of anyone else. Dh was deployed. I wrote everything down...a couple of different ways...and carried it to work with me. It was very, very, very helpful to already know what I was going to say when the phone call came.)
I will pray for you. I know St. Joseph will intercede for you and Brendan...didn't he have to do the totally bizarre desert trek...how did he explain THAT to his parents?
Stay strong. You can do this. Your children need you to do this.
__________________
Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Martha
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I agree with Jodie 100%.
Don't let yourself seem wishy-washy on this, even if you are. Not only will your dad zone in on it, eventually so will your kids. Seeds of discontent kind of thing.
Aside from what Jodie says, I'll add you are under no obligation to explain yourself to him. Frankly, he has made his own choices (which he sure wants more consideration for than he is willing to give) and this is the resulting consequence. It's not being mean to him or anything, it's just what it is, kwim?
If he mentions it again, simply say something like, "Dad, WE've decided this and I'm not open to discussing it." then change the subject or say, "Oh no! What are those kids doing in there?! I have to go... Later! Bye!" Click. 
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Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
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Nina Murphy
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| Posted: April 19 2007 at 11:12pm | IP Logged
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Martha,
Laughing through my angst....
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God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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Nina Murphy
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| Posted: April 19 2007 at 11:19pm | IP Logged
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Nancy, Martha. Yes. OK. Such good counsel and practical suggestions. Thank you for your strength.
Really, I get too wordy. It's true. It has to be straightforward and simple and strong and with conviction....not at all whiny or apologetic.
Do I believe God is pleased for my effort to respect my husband? Do I really believe that we are directed and guided by God in how to shelter our own precious plants? Then I should rest with a peaceful heart and let it go, giving Him the outcome. It's not always comfortable, but I don't need to lose any peace.
__________________
God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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guitarnan
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Martha's idea is perfect!!! Perhaps you could arrange a satisfying crash in the background...
__________________
Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Anne McD
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| Posted: April 20 2007 at 11:59am | IP Logged
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Sometimes I find it best to deal with the grandparents the same way I deal with the four year old when they keep asking, "but why? but why? but why??"
"Because I'm the Mommy and I said no. End of discussion."
__________________
Anne
Wife to Jon
Mommy to Alex 9
James 8
Katie 6
William 3 1/2
Benedict Joseph 1
and baby on the way! 10/14
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Martha
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guitarnan wrote:
| Martha's idea is perfect!!! Perhaps you could arrange a satisfying crash in the background... |
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Shhhh! Don't tell anyone...
I actually knocked over a metal trash can once for just that reason... I simply refuse to argue about certain things - with anyone. If changing to the weather or politics or the amazing color variety of baby poop or anything else doesn't work, then I just find a reason (ANY reason!) to get off the phone right that minute on a relatively civil note. 
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Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
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Erica Sanchez
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God bless you, Nina. This is such an awkward (and draining) situation. We've had to make many difficult decisions over the years regarding my parents and our kids, often standing alone among my siblings. It is/was not easy, but it has been satisfying in the end and just makes it easier to say no when situations arise now. I do believe we have a strained relationship with my parents because of some of the decisions we've made, but like what was said earlier, we're responsible for our children first. For what it worth, I have a horrible time saying no to my dad. I love him and he's great and generally not the problem. So, I understand your feelings and 'shakiness'. Stay strong, stick to the issue and try not to cry....which is often what I do...cry that is! Good luck and lots of prayers.....
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Have a beautiful and fun day!
Erica in San Diego
(dh)Cash, Emily, Grace, Nicholas, Isabella, Annie, Luke, Max, Peter, 2 little souls ++, and sweet Rose who is legally ours!
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Nina Murphy
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Thank you and God bless you, Erica.
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God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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Topic: Relatives and our children, again
