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Leocea
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| Posted: Sept 08 2014 at 10:47am | IP Logged
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I am blessed with some very good friends. If I am in need, or in trouble, or just need prayer, they are there for me. One in particular is very helpful and thoughtful. When I had a m/c, she was at the hospital all day with me. She hosted the luncheon after Cameron's funeral. She is always there for her friends. She is also having a very hard time right now. Her adult son is in crisis and she is dealing with some very heavy emotional things at the same time. I am not really there for her the same way she does it. I am 4 weeks postpartum tomorrow, with a baby who was 4 weeks early and a little challenging. My husband helped out with her son, as we consider them family. In return, she planned a cookout for us, as a surprise, which we had planned to attend. Baby screamed for 7 hours the night before, so my husband and I decided to stay home. My dh was very upset about something with her son and didn't want to go with the other kids, plus he needed to get up at 4 am. I was a chicken and texted her, at noon, when we were supposed to be there at 5. It is now a huge blowup, with other friends involved. I still wouldn't have gone with baby, but if I knew it was special, would have guilted dh into going. I just feel awful, and even more so after talkingto mutual friends, who shared things she said while venting. I asked them not to tell me anymore, as it was hurtful (and hit close to home, being partly truth andthings I feel bad about).
All of that and my main question is, how to deal with things like this? I have become a homebody in my later30's, now 41. I like to be here, and can't just leave spontaneously to hang out. I feel bad that I am not socially on the szme level as friends, but my family thrives this way, and my household runs much better. Dh also works nights this year, so that is adding to the challenge.
How can I be a better friend? I am not wired that way, and want to be a good friend, but seem to be failing miserably. :-(
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Your sister in Christ,
Leocea, wife to Ken, mom to KC 22, Caitlin 17, Malea 13, Mary Catherine 10,Elina Rose,6,Andrew,3 and Lauren Celine,1. Angels 5/05, 5/08, 2/11 and Cameron 7/26/11.
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Servant2theKing
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| Posted: Sept 09 2014 at 9:19am | IP Logged
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From one homebody to another, I've found it's important to discern what ought to be your primary role and focus regarding family and friendships. Consider which relationships have come to you directly from God, mainly spouse and children, and it's easier to see that they must be your primary focus. When we've experienced similar struggles with friendships I've often recognized in hindsight that God was most likely lifting us out of an unhealthy situation, particularly when a relationship demanded more of me than was healthy for family life.
You couldn't have known the nature of the cookout if it was a surprise. Your friend's response may be related to things happening in her own life. You might send her a note, thanking her for the intention of the cookout, perhaps mentioning your appreciation for kindnesses of the past, but it sounds like your friend may not respond well no matter what you say or do and you can't be responsible for that. I pray you can be at peace with the situation so you can better focus your attention and energy on your precious baby and the rest of your family. 
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All for Christ, our Saviour and King, servant
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Leocea
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| Posted: Sept 11 2014 at 5:07am | IP Logged
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Thank you! I think you are right, she is dealing with a lot of things right now.
I reached out through text and she finally answered. I am going to back off and pray and hope that things settle down.
I appreciate your response. It is difficult to post about this elsewhere as she could see it obviously, but also, the responses are.often harsh.
__________________
Your sister in Christ,
Leocea, wife to Ken, mom to KC 22, Caitlin 17, Malea 13, Mary Catherine 10,Elina Rose,6,Andrew,3 and Lauren Celine,1. Angels 5/05, 5/08, 2/11 and Cameron 7/26/11.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Sept 11 2014 at 9:11am | IP Logged
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I'm so glad it was helpful. I saw your post and just wasn't sure what to say and then "servant" covered it so well it didn't seem to need more.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: Sept 11 2014 at 9:17am | IP Logged
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millermom1110
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| Posted: Sept 13 2014 at 5:48am | IP Logged
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Praying! I was just texting a friend yesterday, apologizing for being so absent. I'm also a homebody. Always have been, always will be. But I do want to be a good friend to the couple of friends who have done their best to stick by me and be there for me. It's a really tough balance. I don't have any advice, as I'm still trying to figure it out. Thankfully my friends have a saintly amount of patience with me, because Lord knows I end up having to cancel on them more often than not. Just letting you know that you're not alone, and that you have my prayers!
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Raising 5 children with my husband (DS 8, DS 7, DD 4, DS 2, DS born 3/15).
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Pilgrim
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| Posted: Sept 13 2014 at 8:02am | IP Logged
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Praying for you, and hugs and empathy. We've had a couple of friendships where this has happened through unintentional happenings, and thus misunderstandings. It hurts, but as my Mom said above, sometimes it's God allowing things to scale back in friendships for the needs of your family.
We have learned a lot about charity through these hurts, especially about how much, and how easily we all judge each others' lives, even though we really are part of so very little of each others true lives, the day-to-day ups and downs that happen at home. A friend, who shared with us on being on the receiving end of one of these hurtful misunderstandings shared a talk her priest gave with me. He gave a great example of what happens in misunderstandings or judgment of each other. He said it's like if we saw a small corner of a picture/painting and we think "Oh, I know that picture! I know exactly what painting that is.." and we could likely be totally wrong, because all we are seeing is a tiny piece of the picture. It's so like this in life. It is *SO* easy to judge people, anyone: our friends, our family, people at the store, even our spouse and children and think we know what they're thinking/doing, etc. Yes, sometimes we may know, but it's so easy to get into a rut of thinking without charity ruling our thoughts. There's so many more details than most any of us know that weigh in on things. This has been the very good outflowing of the very sad breakup of our friendship, the positive thing is my friend and I are helping each other learn to speak more charitably and realize WE don't know everything that caused the misunderstanding any more than those who've hurt us do.
Again, praying for peace for you and your family, and all those who experience sad and hurtful misunderstandings in friendships!
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Leocea
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| Posted: Oct 28 2014 at 7:08pm | IP Logged
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Thank you all! We were able to spend some time together at the park, and I think things are better.
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Your sister in Christ,
Leocea, wife to Ken, mom to KC 22, Caitlin 17, Malea 13, Mary Catherine 10,Elina Rose,6,Andrew,3 and Lauren Celine,1. Angels 5/05, 5/08, 2/11 and Cameron 7/26/11.
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4Real Forums : St. Anne's Tearoom: Growing in Wisdom over 40
Topic: How do you handle balancing friends' need
