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St. Anne's Tearoom: Growing in Wisdom over 40
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Becky Parker
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Posted: July 04 2008 at 6:25am | IP Logged Quote Becky Parker

I just had my appointment with my gynocologist the other day. We talked about babies, since my youngest will turn 1 in a few days. (I am 44). She asked me if I planned to start using birth control. "No" of course, was my answer, as always. She was ready for it because she knows me. Anyway, she started on this long thing about being tired. "ARen't you just tired? Don't you think your body needs a rest? It's not normal to be nursing a baby at 44! What if you got pregnant AGAIN? Do you think your body could just keep doing this over and over again? Aren't you just TIRED?" and on and on. By the time I left I was so tired I needed a nap when I got home!!!
Really, though, I do feel a bit tired but isn't that just normal? I think my df's that don't have little ones tell me they're tired too. I guess I just need someone to tell me it's okay to feel tired sometimes and I'm not inflicting some unusual punishment on my body by being open to more children.

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Posted: July 04 2008 at 7:09am | IP Logged Quote Maria B.

I hear you Becky! I have had the same thing said to me by one of my doctors. It is okay to be tired. It's okay to take a nap. No big deal. Who said its not normal to be nursing a baby at 44? What is normal? Society today is not normal!

I think part of the problem is that we live in a society that places so much importance on "self" that the idea of giving so much of yourself as a mother, even into your 40's, is totally foreign to them. They fail to think about the health benefits (emotional, physical and mental) that come from a large family.

Stay the course and God will take care of the rest!

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Posted: July 04 2008 at 7:36am | IP Logged Quote aussieannie

I think Maria said it well. I am so sorry that you've had to deal with this Becky.

I think a certain amount of tiredness is normal, when I get too tired, I know it is time to have the thyroid rechecked, the only other thing I can particularly think of is iron levels being low ~ I just can't understand why the practioners just don't say, "Right, let's run some tests and get to the bottom of it." rather than delighting (that's what it seems) at an opportunity to have a crack at someone's moral stance/belief.

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Posted: July 04 2008 at 7:54am | IP Logged Quote LisaR

hmmm since the role of (synthetic, yucky ) hormonal contraceptives is to mimic an early pregnancy perpetually, I'd retort that boy, I'd be MUCH more tired and sick if I went that route!!

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Posted: July 04 2008 at 8:02am | IP Logged Quote Lisbet

i know i don't belong here....

But, I wanted to say that a dear friend of mine is 46, she will be 47 when her newest little baby arrives - she looks great, feels great, and I certainly would love to have half of the patience she has with her children. I admire those of you that are having babies in your 40's, it gives me so much hope and inspiration!

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Posted: July 04 2008 at 8:42am | IP Logged Quote asplendidtime

Becky Parker wrote:
I just had my appointment with my gynocologist the other day. We talked about babies, since my youngest will turn 1 in a few days. (I am 44). She asked me if I planned to start using birth control. "No" of course, was my answer, as always. She was ready for it because she knows me. Anyway, she started on this long thing about being tired. "ARen't you just tired? Don't you think your body needs a rest? It's not normal to be nursing a baby at 44! What if you got pregnant AGAIN? Do you think your body could just keep doing this over and over again? Aren't you just TIRED?" and on and on. By the time I left I was so tired I needed a nap when I got home!!!
Really, though, I do feel a bit tired but isn't that just normal? I think my df's that don't have little ones tell me they're tired too. I guess I just need someone to tell me it's okay to feel tired sometimes and I'm not inflicting some unusual punishment on my body by being open to more children.


Dear Becky,

I just turned 33, and I have been hearing and hearing that too.    So what does that tell you, you are trying to be talked out of something that makes others uncomfortable. Let's face it, we're just too weird and Quasi-Amish for all of those "normal" folk.    And they look for ways to shame you into more appropriate behaviour!

Sorry if I shouldn't have posted here, but I just thought it was something I could relate to.

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Posted: July 04 2008 at 9:44am | IP Logged Quote PDyer

I'm sorry for your experience. I had a similar experience this week at my rheumatologist's office when I told him about the miscarriage.

He was totally, totally shocked. Quick rifling through my chart, eyes incredulous...

"BUT YOU'RE 43 YEARS OLD!!!! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING????"

After we talked a bit more, it became clear -- his incredulity arose entirely from his inability to comprehend a person wanting (or even being willing to accept) a child in their 40's. Not once did he speak to the impact a pregnancy may have on the progress of my disease, or any concerns for the child should I have a difficult pregnancy because of my disease, or the impact the medication I take may have on the course of a pregnancy. His reaction was entirely about my age.

I have IRL friends who have talked about the reaction they've gotten for having children in their 40's, but I haven't experienced it myself until this week. I'm still feeling unsettled by the exchange, obviously.   

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Posted: July 04 2008 at 10:47am | IP Logged Quote Martha

yeah, like being an OB entails lots of 8 hour nights of beauty sleep...

doctors and parents are not bankers and shouldn't expect the same business hours.

as for what's "normal" or "natural"

I think it must be fairly natural for you to bf-ing at 44 or your milk wouldn't be producing.

And no, you won't just keep doing "this over and over again" - hello! there's this thing called menopause that happens to every woman at some natural point in their life.

you know, after having been pregnant for most of my entire adult life, dealing with various children health issues, and dealing with dh's type 1 diabetes, a mother's cancer, and then there's the grandparents elserly issues... I often hear things come out of supposedly educated doctors' or hospital staffs' mouths that make me wonder if they have any knowledge of the human body what so ever. A few of them I really wanted to investigate whether that degree on the wall was made with photoshop. I'm starting to lose any respect for the medical system at all.

You're fine! I remember being my most tired with my 3rd and I wasn't bf-ing that one and was only 23 yr old.

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Posted: July 04 2008 at 10:53am | IP Logged Quote jdostalik

Becky,

I would have been quite discouraged after such a visit with my OB, too!

I have to say that this is when I feel it is important to try and find an OB or midwife who is respectful of our Catholic faith and openess to life--even in our forties. We have enough to bear carrying a baby when we are older and the last thing we need is a caregiver who is cold and unfeeling and downright disapproving. My prayer is that we can all find doctors and midwives to support us in our vocation as mothers.

I just wanted to pass on a positive experience I had with my OB this week when I went in for my preop visit to fill out paperwork. I talked with her in length about our loss and she was very sweet, compassionate and supportive of me in being open to another baby if it is God's will. I am 42. We even talked about a few things we could do differently if there is a next pregnancy (progesterone and baby aspirin).   She did tell me that realistically the risk of miscarriage increases dramatically in your forties--but I know this. I was encouraged that she would respect my beliefs even though I could tell from our conversation that this was a bit of uncharted territory for her--a mom my age wanting more babies! BUT,
She has four children, herself, so I think this does help her to understand where I am coming from!    

Patty,
I am praying for you...and especially for your rheumatologist.

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Posted: July 04 2008 at 11:03am | IP Logged Quote Kathryn UK

I'm still nursing my toddler at 47 and yes, it is physically more demanding than it was ten years ago. Pregnancy was tough, but I can't tell how much of that was due to my age and how much to the fact that the hormomes are an asthma trigger for me and I seem to be more sensitised with each pregnancy. There are plus sides to being older ... I find I need less sleep which is useful as my little one is not a great sleeper. I'm sure I cope more easily with short and interrupted nights than I would have done when I was younger.

There is no excuse for medical people being rude about your age. Both my doctor and my community midwife were very positive when I saw them about my last pregnancy (at 47). It turned out my doctor's grandmother gave birth to his father at 52

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Posted: July 04 2008 at 12:20pm | IP Logged Quote Elizabeth

Kathryn UK wrote:
There are plus sides to being older ... I find I need less sleep which is useful as my little one is not a great sleeper. I'm sure I cope more easily with short and interrupted nights than I would have done when I was younger.


I'm finding this conversation very interesting, particularly since I'm beginning to doubt my body's ability to do this very well in my forties. I barely moved when pregnant with Karoline at 40. It was far and away my most difficult pregnancy. But, none of my pregnancies prior to that were "difficult" at all. This time, I've already left the house more than I did the whole nine months with Karoline. But I'm incredibly, unbelievably, always tired. The toll of nursing a toddler (who still isn't sleeping predictably) is formidable. I was in tears in the middle of the night two nights ago because it's just been so long since I've felt rested and I so wish she'd settle...
I do worry about how I'm going to manage this aspect with an infant.
I'll be a month shy of 43 when this baby is born.

Aside from the sleep thing, I don't feel terribly "old." My midwives are very supportive.

My husband's parents had him and his twin sister when they were forty. I see them slowing down now, in their early eighties, and I'm conscious that my last couple of babies will have very different parents in their young adult and early parenting years than my first few babies. I'm also very determined to take good care of myself so I can be there for them as much as God wills. I've never had support from any of my extended family (with the exception of Mike's father). I miss it terribly and I hope I can be well enough to be a good parent to my adult children.. When I read about grandmothers coming to help or grandfathers taking kids fishing, I know I want things to be different for my children--I want them to have the encouragement and practical support I don't have. And I know that the challenge with the older ones will be that I will still be raising my own family and the challenge with the younger ones will be my age. As tired as I am right now, I guess I will be much more worn forty years from now. though I suspect I won't be nursing any more[;-)]

My husband reminds me that my children will have something else I didn't have--they'll have each other. I've already talked to my eldest daughter about how she will have a special role when her little sisters become mothers.

such a lot to think about. at the end of it all, though, I come back to the idea that it *is* natural to bearing children now. And when I "rest" in that, I trust the His grace is sufficient.

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Posted: July 04 2008 at 1:14pm | IP Logged Quote Bridget

The thing is, everyone gets more tired in their 40's. And they might slow down a little. But they don't stop doing what God has called them to do. Whether it's having children, being a doctor, being an executive or a ditch digger.

Even the most successful, high power, high money making people get tired... but they don't quit just because it gets harder in their 40's.

You just keep doing what is fulfilling and right, even when your tired. That includes our high powered career of being a mom.

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Posted: July 04 2008 at 3:04pm | IP Logged Quote Martha

Okay I'm going to be 35 when this baby is born and I already hear this stuff. The irony is I hear mother griping about lack of sleep because their 2 month old isn't sleeping thorugh the night yet.   Ihaven't slept through the night in over 13 years!!

I think the real reason we all start to slow down at this phase is not because we are tired (although we are!), but because we, or at least I, have really reached a point where if it's not a priority, it's just not worth it to us anymore. I have stopped doing a LOT of things the last couple of years simply because I don't want to waste energy and time on things that aren't even a priority to my family. I used to want to do every school activity, to volunteer, to do whatever and I'd spend a lot of time and energy and frustration trying to do things.

I'm still tired, but it's not the same tired as it used to be and it's not a tired that I dwell on with regret. It's more like the satisfied tired of a person whose done an honest days work and is happy with the fruits of their labors if that makes any sense.

Is it just me? I thought I was just the last nut in the bowl, but after reading you other ladies expereinces, it makes me wonder if this is just good old fashioned natural maturing? If not, well that leaves me back at being the nut, but hey I'm confident and mature enough to be okay with that too, right?

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Posted: July 04 2008 at 9:32pm | IP Logged Quote Maria B.

Elizabeth wrote:
... I'm beginning to doubt my body's ability to do this very well in my forties. .. But I'm incredibly, unbelievably, always tired. The toll of nursing a toddler (who still isn't sleeping predictably) is formidable. I was in tears in the middle of the night two nights ago because it's just been so long since I've felt rested and I so wish she'd settle... I do worry about how I'm going to manage this aspect with an infant. I'll be a month shy of 43 when this baby is born.


I was forty three with my youngest was born and was exhausted every minute of her pregnancy. I began to panic towards the end wondering how in the world I was going to handle a newborn, nine kids, a traveling husband and being tired all the time. I never factored in the fact that I had five kids over the age of 12 who could be a major source of help. And they were (and are)! Little Lucy has an entourage of older siblings ready to change her, feed her, dress her and keep her busy. It is so different than the days when I had six kids, eight and under. Yikes! How did I do that?!!

Elizabeth wrote:
My husband's parents had him and his twin sister when they were forty. I see them slowing down now, in their early eighties, and I'm conscious that my last couple of babies will have very different parents in their young adult and early parenting years than my first few babies. I'm also very determined to take good care of myself so I can be there for them as much as God wills.


I think having babies in our forties will be an added plus as we age. I lost my father when I was a teenager. My mom remarried and she and my step dad had a baby girl three months after my first child was born! Megan, my baby sister, has been a huge blessing to all of our family. She has kept my parents young, so young for their age. Secondly at the young age of 20, she already has 38 nieces and nephews. How cool is that!? Yes, when Megan is in her thirties and/or forties, my parents may or may not be alive still. Regardless, Megan will have all of us (her older siblings with families) to love. support and help her.

Elizabeth, your husband is right. Your younger children will have a family support system beyond belief!

Be at peace!

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Posted: July 05 2008 at 2:15pm | IP Logged Quote Angie Mc

Martha wrote:
I'm still tired, but it's not the same tired as it used to be and it's not a tired that I dwell on with regret. It's more like the satisfied tired of a person whose done an honest days work and is happy with the fruits of their labors if that makes any sense.


I like this, Martha. I really like it!

This past year I became so run down. The steady decline began after my miscarriage of Catherine. I became tired and worn out not because of doing something wrong or because I wasn't disciplined or because I didn't take care of myself or because I got older or...I became worn down because as a child of God and wife and mother there are times when God asks me to carry a lot and the load is heavy and the journey long. In my weakness I become small and vulnerable and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that any strength (physicial, emotional, spiritual) that I have *at any time in my life* is truly a gift from God. Our culture views being tired as something bad, something to be avoided, something to fix. Sometimes this is true, such as in the case of a teenager who hasn't figured out yet how much sleep they need each night and likes to stay up late because it is cool...or the tired business executive who sacrifices sleep for profit. Yet, sometimes being tired is a side effect of doing what is right and necessary.

The only reason I can write this with confidence is because during this past month some of my burden has been made lighter, praise God, and I see much more clearly now than when I was in the thick of it .

Praying for all you wonderful ladies!

Love,

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Posted: July 05 2008 at 2:37pm | IP Logged Quote Kathryn UK

Elizabeth wrote:
But I'm incredibly, unbelievably, always tired. The toll of nursing a toddler (who still isn't sleeping predictably) is formidable. I was in tears in the middle of the night two nights ago because it's just been so long since I've felt rested and I so wish she'd settle...
I do worry about how I'm going to manage this aspect with an infant.
I'll be a month shy of 43 when this baby is born.


I feel for you. I knew that if my last pregnancy had continued I would have to wean Naomi because tandem nursing would have been asking too much of myself physically. For six months after Naomi was born I ached all over (joints and muscles) and more so if she was on a growth spurt so I presume it was nursing related. No way could I have done that again with a nursing toddler added in.

Although I manage better on less sleep than I once did, I still have days when I feel exhausted.It's the early mornings (5 or 5.30) that do for me rather than the interrupted sleep. I am so not a lark. Sometimes I fantasise about sleeping from 11 to 7 undisturbed .

Elizabeth wrote:
My husband's parents had him and his twin sister when they were forty. I see them slowing down now, in their early eighties, and I'm conscious that my last couple of babies will have very different parents in their young adult and early parenting years than my first few babies. I'm also very determined to take good care of myself so I can be there for them as much as God wills.


Same here. I'm aware that we are going to be very obviously older parents, with both of us well into our sixties by the time Naomi is an adult. I haven't been mistaken for her grandmother yet, but I guess it will come . I'm trying to make fitness a priority in the hope it will keep me active longer. There is a big difference in my own mother with Naomi compared to with the older two. Whereas she was able to babysit the older two and have them to stay overnight sometimes, she can't do that with Naomi. She is now over 80 and with limited mobility. Physically, she isn't able to care for Naomi as she can't lift or carry a baby or toddler any more. But she gets a lot of pleasure from seeing her grow .

And yes, having older siblings makes a huge difference to how I feel about the future, even though ours is only a small family. I know that she will have big sisters for support later on.



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Posted: July 08 2008 at 8:09am | IP Logged Quote StephanieA

they were forty. I see them slowing down now, in their early eighties, and I'm conscious that my last couple of babies will have very different parents in their young adult and early parenting years than my first few babies. (said Elizabeth)

Boy! If this isn't true, being tired so much. I was saying this to my dd just last week. Why am I SO tired? Is it because the little guy nurses ALL night and I'm just shy of 44? Since when does an 18-month old eat a few morsels ALL day? If he wasn't healthy, I'd worry. But really I gotta be producing a huge quantity of milk

That said, we have to realize we are doing SO much. Really. And many of us do this solo (with our husbands, of course, when they aren't at work, or distracted with their own thoughts). I'd LOVE to have active grandparents (or aunts, uncles, etc.) for my kids, but I never have either.

But just think... many of us are doing laundry for a large group, buying, planning, and cooking meals again for 8-10 people 3 times a day, and snacks, and paying bills, and cleaning house, and organizing activities, and planning, ordering, and executing the education for a bunch of kids. Geeze

And really, we wonder WHY WE ARE TIRED??????

It is too much. Tens years ago, most of us didn't have older teens doing so much. Yes, they can drive, but do they totally organize? Do they organize using the car, finances, getting bills paid, etc. Probably not. So we have more thoughts on our minds as our kids get older and have more to do, especially outside the house.
Also, these said kids tend to help less around the house
OK Where's the justice in this?

But I know I have to breath and try to take it easy, because it is through my attitude that I show Christ to my kids. I am not superwoman, so yesterday the girls had a birthday party that they simply had to pass on. We had a horrible Sunday. Dh ran a red light right after Mass, hit someone, and totally our car. Blessedly, no one was hurt. But Monday, instead of driving to the birthday party, I had to lay down for a half-hour and nurse Dominic to sleep.

I think that, yes, we are tired, but we also have a LOT more going on than an average 40 year old....pregnant, nursing, or not. Yes, we might be slowing down, but our activities are only speeding up.
Not exactly a great combo for our bodies!

Blessings,
Stephanie
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Posted: July 11 2008 at 10:26am | IP Logged Quote RenB

Ladies, hugs to you all!

I will sit here and pray for all of you, be your personal cheerleader for all of you, sending my pompoms waving high in the air, rah,rah,rah. If I lived closer, I would even come over and entertain your brood so you can nap and free yourself from fatigue. I'd love to impress on you special ladies that this is but a season in your lives, and assure you things change over time.

I remember when I was expecting my first child, still a teen myself and the exhaustion I felt was beyond all understanding. I fell asleep in a chair sitting up more times than not, not trusting myself as I became more and more anemic along the way to boot. With many years spent battling infertility in between babies, our youngest child arrived shortly before my fortieth birthday, 22 years between the oldest to youngest. If fatigue was only an issue when i was older, I must confess the rush of fresh hormones during mature pregnancies felt delicious, simply fabulous for me! Luckily, I never felt the fatigue while older physically, like when I was younger.

Stephanie hit it all on the head too, we are doing WAY MORE now than when we were younger, even just day to day management of our family and homes. When we have babies, tots, young ones, teens, young adults and grandchildren all at the same time, celebrating baptisms with graduations, birthing around older children getting married, who wouldn't see stars? We may not be superwoman, but we are wonderfully blessed by all the chaos in our homes! Naps are good, helpers are grand! ...LOL I loved having driving teens, babysitting marrieds and newborns all at the same time.

We do live in a society with plenty of negativity surrounding mature pregnancies, (my own "prolife doctor" wasn't fond of my "mature pregnancy" - he called it that!) mostly due to the fact that there is a selfish nature to "move forward" and just race to the finish of child rearing so we can all have a wonderful retirement without them around.

Remember too, a baby requires much more "physical endurances" but I have never been so tired as with the continuous "mental requirements" of a young/older adult child who needed me RIGHT NOW! Oh, just GIVE me a baby anytime! :-) And - Oh to feel those hormones rushing round and round my body again! Bring them on! LOL

When our grandchildren were here, I was more fatigued running after them than with any of my own, but then, this is a whole new ballgame over here now when we work really hard to ensure our own older married children find fatigue relief from younguns. LOL

Aren't we so much more willing to sacrifice and simply enjoy every little moment so much more than when we were younger, when we could hardly wait for them all to grow up with the older ones? LOL And besides, I still love what i was told many years ago - "Are you sure that you have welcomed all the children God has already planned for your family?" Give me a baby any day as I push towards fifty and I would fall to my knees in complete and utter thanksgiving.

On that note... I just have to slip this in here, mostly so you all know (wink, wink), our youngest daughter has an add-on during her evening prayers to bless her with a younger brother, or sister, or twins if possible.



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Renee

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Tina P.
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Posted: Sept 05 2008 at 7:58am | IP Logged Quote Tina P.

PDyer wrote:
He was totally, totally shocked. Quick rifling through my chart, eyes incredulous...

"BUT YOU'RE 43 YEARS OLD!!!! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING????"

After we talked a bit more, it became clear -- his incredulity arose entirely from his inability to comprehend a person wanting (or even being willing to accept) a child in their 40's. His reaction was entirely about my age.


But there are OBs out there who are supportive of our choices.

And yes, I'm tired, too. But like Martha (?) said above, it's a satisfied, tired-after-an-honest-day's-work.

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Leocea
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Posted: Jan 30 2009 at 11:27am | IP Logged Quote Leocea

Okay, I am *only* 35, and 9w2d pregnant, but I am SOOO tired!
Last night, I was determined to figure out why my mattress was sagging on my side. I bent down with a flashlight to look under the bed. Next thought was "This is SO comfortable!" Then, I actually started to dose off, while in a lying squat, half under my bed!!! I am not kidding when I say that I almost fell asleep down there!
I snapped out of it when I thought, what if my dh or kids found me like this-they would freak out!
Lol. It was only 7 pm or so.

In Christ,

Leocea
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