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pumpkinmom
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| Posted: June 12 2012 at 4:16pm | IP Logged
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Tell her husband he has to quit his second job?
My house is such a mess! Not the main floor living area, but the garage/basement and outdoor area. I don't know what to do about it. Three-fourths of it is Dh stuff that I have no idea what to do with. The family stuff can't be organized because all of his stuff is in the way. HE HAS NO TIME FOR THIS! He has a part time business that he does out of our basement/garage and most of the mess is that stuff. It is more of a mess and time consumer and the little extra money that comes out of it doesn't make it worth it. Dh loves doing it though! How do I tell him things have to change without hurting him or our relationship? We talk about the mess all the time. He admits it is something he needs to work on, but he has no time. We even spent several hundreds of dollars on organizing products to help get the stuff under control . . . . . . it is a bigger mess! I am so embarrassed when people come over and see it. I really had to control myself today as I was so close to backing bags and the boys and leaving and saying I will come back when it is cleaned and stays cleaned. I don't know how to help him with it. When I go down to clean I get in his way and ask "where does this go?" and drive him crazy. I could do the things that need to be done outside, but my time is limited too.
Ok, sorry that was a big vent. But, anyone have any helpful advice? I really don't want to start yelling and calling him a slob! I know that doesn't work. 
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Cassie
Homeschooling my little patch of Ds-14 and Ds-10
Tending the Pumpkin Patch
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: June 12 2012 at 4:27pm | IP Logged
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I can relate.
I don't know about how you tell him to quit the job. I would TRY to find a time when I wasn't feeling overwhelmed to bring it up, but I usually fail at that one.
One thing I've done is just put everything in boxes the best I could without trying to organize it or think about it at all and find a way to hide the boxes. That buys me time anyway.
I know that one thing my dh struggles with is thinking that the organizing is *secondary* to the projects. It feel like wasting time to him. He knows intellectually that it would save him (and all of us) time in the long run, but his time is so limited, and he enjoys building more than cleaning the garage.
Can you sacrifice ONE room to him? We've finally gotten dh's stuff *mostly* confined to the garage and porch lately. Can you load everything up and put it in the room and ask him to keep it there? Try not to worry if it is ordered instead of just piled somewhat neatly, but if you only have ONE room that drives you nuts, maybe you can bear it a while longer?
Sometimes, when I don't know what to do with the stuff because it isn't mine, I just have to pretend to know what to do, and if I've done what I can, dh usually gets the hint. I still don't know if it is because he doesn't like the way I've done it or if it is because he's embarrassed that it came to that.
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JodieLyn
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Well what about something like.. "I want you to be able to do this job. At the moment I can't do MY job because of the mess. My solution would be for you to take a sabbatical from this job and spend that time working on the mess so that you'll be more efficient when you restart the job and I will be able to function in my job."
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: June 12 2012 at 6:34pm | IP Logged
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Thinking more.. I still like what I have above but.. I'd do more "I" messages in explaining why it's a problem for me, he really needs to know that it's so bad for you that you feel like packing up and running away from it.. and then ask if he might consider a sebbatical to work on it with the result that he'd be able to work more efficiently and you would be able to do what you need.
Remember that "I" messages aren't about "I'm upset because YOU..." but rather.. what you think and feel about the situation "I feel overwhelmed when I look at the mess. I am ready to pack up and run away because I can't manage with the mess. I love you. I want you to be able to do a job you love. I am having problems with the situation. etc"
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Rosesinsummer
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I guess every marriage and every relationship is different. In some marriages, you just have to view it as a cross and offer it up.
If I said what Jodie said above to my husband, even with so-called "I" messages, my husband would have none of it, turn around against me as an attack on his person and trying to provide for us, and I'd end up losing the battle AND having a ticked off spouse.
If it were me, I'd have to learn to live with it. Men don't change.
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Angie Mc
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Cassie, I don't want to minimize the emotion involved in situations like this, but I'm wondering if this is mainly an organizing problem...as in having the skill to organize a lot of material. If this is the case, there is a lot of hope in 2 options. One, you two can choose to learn how to organize together. Two, you can choose to do it for him (since you are the one who is troubled by the mess.)
Have you read any material on how to organize a home business? My go-to organizing book is Organizing from the Inside Out., which I found when I desperately needed to squeeze five people into a single wide trailer  .
Love,
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Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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pumpkinmom
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| Posted: June 12 2012 at 9:45pm | IP Logged
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Ok, the replies are good! I've got some ideas. You all are great for advice!  Because his business is taxidermy it really creates some challenges to the organizing. We aren't talking about paper piles.
Keep the replies coming. Thanks everyone!
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Cassie
Homeschooling my little patch of Ds-14 and Ds-10
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ShannonJ
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Well, it sounds like the only place that you can't close the door and walk away is your outside space. I would focus your energy there for now. That way when you have company over you aren't embarrassed again.
Our garage makes me cringe, but I want to focus my energy on the rest of the house. When tools are left strewn outdoors I try to clean those up. I have a bin in the kitchen to catch stray tools and such that get left about the house. If I have time I may try to go and put things away in an organized manner, but I usually don't even want to look at the mess so I toss and run!!! (Actually there is a dump tote in the garage.  ).
If task my honey-do list with the garage to be cleaned it is done in much the same manner that my 6yo cleans his room. Sooooo, I try to be happy with what he does and work with him when I can. He really appreciates it when we both get out there together.
And I have worked really hard at keeping snide comments at bay when he can't find something. 
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Dana
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| Posted: June 13 2012 at 2:36am | IP Logged
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I have no idea of the proportions of your problem, but I think I can relate a little. We live in a rental house that's really too small for us and our stuff. My husband is a computer, techy, audio visual designer who loves what he does so much that he collects stuff through his jobs for one day putting together his dream system. What it doesn't cost us in money it costs us in space because you have to store the stuff in a climate controlled area and we don't have the money for that so it's in our "office". Plus, he keeps old computers pieces, cords, parts and towers, which do end up coming in handy at some point for spare parts, but the meantime can kill it IMO. My husband doesn't have the time to keep it organized and it does frustrate him cause it's contrary to his personality and his upbringing, so what I try to do is on occasion we get someone to watch the kids or turn on a movie or something and try to at least pile it and box it. We've done this enough where it still frustrates us both, but at least we know we're keeping what he really does "want" and very loosely defined IMO "need". We are about to have to do this again because for awhile I had it taken over for a fifth birthday party planning and a baby shower. Since it is in the "office" we do try to keep it cleaned up because my husband wants to be able to teleconference some things in for work either his main job or side jobs. I use to let myself get frustrated and rant and make comments about it mainly because I grew up around packrats and hoarders so even though I knew it wasn't at that level I still can't bear to have stuff that isn't being used or "needed" around. Since my husband does want it organized and one of his love languages I guess is my caring or at least attempting to care about what he cares about is if I spend a little time helping him organize it and really up-talking that we are doing the best we can for now then even though its frustrating for both of us we can make it work. I honestly really could care less if I ever have a surround sound system with flat LCD screen or projector all hooked up and controlled by a Crestron media center in a closet I would no longer be able to use OR that my house could be virtually controlled from my smartphone, but my husband really, really loves what he does and even though his corporate job can be frustrating to deal with cause it's corporate I know he does derive a lot of enjoyment and satisfaction from it. That is a big deal to me because my own father grew to hate his job for varying reasons when I was growing up and to me it's a blessing that while some parts of his job are frustrating what he does makes him happy. He's proud of what he produces. That's a big deal for a man. I can see the value of that. Anyway, saying all that I guess my solution ended up being besides having to simply put up with it try to help him come up with a solution I tried to sacrifice my own precious time to help him keep it where it wasn't driving us both as crazy as it could. Making peace somehow that whatever the solution is it won't be your ideal or even his. I don't know if that helps. I'm relatively young and new in the marriage department (almost six years), so I could just be incredibly naive.  Also, I will add that anything that gets left out from his projects I just put either back in his toolbags or in a pile or box of miscellaneous "I don't know what this is but if the kids get it he will be frustrated that even though he left it out they got it". I know your problem is of much larger proportions and I don't blame you for being frustrated. 
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Dana
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juliana147
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Cassie,
I can relate. We have an entire houseful of highly creative people, including myself. I have been close to throwing absolutely everything away at times, even though *I* am responsible for some of the creative mess. 
Taxidermy may be a creative outlet for him. If that's the case, and he is working long hours at his regular job, he may really need the second job as an outlet for creative skills he's not using otherwise.
That being said, your need for a home that is liveable is legitimate, too. Our solution has been to screen off the mess! Can he hinge together plywood boards and paint them a nice color to set aside part of the garage/basement that is his alone? (maybe a wildlife mural??? ) You won't need to look at it, and *he* will be in charge of keeping it clean.
Perhaps he can find a way to screen off part of the yard, too. Maybe a trellis panel with a vine covering it?
Believe me, I know the frustration. I can also relate to living a creative life on the side, and needing the freedom to have tools/projects in various states of completion sitting out.
Hope something in this post helps!
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Angie Mc
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Cassie, I do hope you'll check out the organizing book I recommended because it does a great job at organizing ANY thing and ANY space AND it doesn't presume that anyone will simply ditch stuff  .
Something Dana shared prompted this thought. Remembering back to that single wide trailer we lived in, I literally had my dh's bikes hanging on the walls of my teeny tiny hallway . He did triathlons and had a ton of gear to go with the bikes. They were his most prized possessions so in the home they had to be. When the plumber or any guy would come to my trailer, they would all stop and gape at his bikes! They "got" that they needed to be hanging on my wall. My girlfriends? No so much . Now this is where I get a bit misty eyed. Eventually my dh couldn't ride any more because of a back injury. His dream of participating in an Iron Man were dashed. He eventually had to slowly...slowly...let go of all that stuff related to triathlons. It was/is such a hard thing for him and honestly, I would do anything to be able to have all that stuff back in my home .
Best wishes as you both find your way through this challenge. You are a good wife!
Love,
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elynnmom
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When I read your first post, Cassie, I imagined piles of paper, boxes, books, old posters, music tapes, file crates and all the stuff that I would like MY husband to take care of in our basement... But then, a few posts later you clarified that your husband is a taxidermist and the mental picture drastically changed. I'm still chuckling!
Angie, I appreciate your post on perspective.
My prayers are with you as you work to create peacefull surroundings.
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: June 14 2012 at 6:23am | IP Logged
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elynnmom wrote:
When I read your first post, Cassie, I imagined piles of paper, boxes, books, old posters, music tapes, file crates and all the stuff that I would like MY husband to take care of in our basement... But then, a few posts later you clarified that your husband is a taxidermist and the mental picture drastically changed. I'm still chuckling!
Angie, I appreciate your post on perspective.
My prayers are with you as you work to create peacefull surroundings.
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Elynnmom, I had the same reaction. My husband's carpentry and home project messes, tools, scraps, etc..., are probably closer to what she has, but I laughed out loud when I realized I had NO CLUE what kind of a mess or tools or anything that a taxidermist would have!
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Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
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[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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pumpkinmom
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CrunchyMom wrote:
elynnmom wrote:
When I read your first post, Cassie, I imagined piles of paper, boxes, books, old posters, music tapes, file crates and all the stuff that I would like MY husband to take care of in our basement... But then, a few posts later you clarified that your husband is a taxidermist and the mental picture drastically changed. I'm still chuckling!
Angie, I appreciate your post on perspective.
My prayers are with you as you work to create peacefull surroundings.
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Elynnmom, I had the same reaction. My husband's carpentry and home project messes, tools, scraps, etc..., are probably closer to what she has, but I laughed out loud when I realized I had NO CLUE what kind of a mess or tools or anything that a taxidermist would have! |
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It's gross! It really needs to be done in a separate building. We also have the carpentry mess too because he has had to build habitats for the animals or plaques to put them on. I won't go into details, but it really is just gross at the mess that can be created.
Ladies, that you so much for the support!! I do plan to sit down with him and give him a list of demands that must be done in order for him to continue his business. I will keep my list of demands short and won't make it impossible for him to continue. It really is just cleaning up after himself and limiting the number of jobs. We have a lot to talk about. I will be waiting until we get a major home improvement project done. We have had to extend a retaining wall and since my dad is in concrete construction we have done all of the project ourselves with the help of family and it is very physically demanding work. It wouldn't be fair to bring this up while he is working on that. Thanks everyone for the prayers too.
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Cassie
Homeschooling my little patch of Ds-14 and Ds-10
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SallyT
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Cassie, my husband tells some . . . amusing . . . stories about his late dad's taxidermy hobby. Fortunately for them all, I guess, it was just a phase, in between raising quail in the garage and other equally ill-fated get-rich-at-home schemes, but the stories are kind of hair-raising.
In one famous incident, his mother accidentally spilled the box of glass eyes, which went *everywhere* -- and then tried to vacuum them up, which was . . . noisy, apparently. As my husband tells it, it was the great sitcom scene that never got written. In another episode, his dad somehow got hold of a dead monkey (friend had pet shop, monkey died, friend said, "Hey, you want this thing?") and stored it in *his* father's deep-freeze, with all the steaks, until he could find time to stuff it. Another never-written sitcom scene.
Anyway, that doesn't help you with your current dilemma, and I don't mean to make light of it -- I'm sure my dear mother-in-law, who loves order and cleanliness and the total absence of clutter, would commiserate with you fully. I always wish I'd met my husband's father, though: he died in 1971, when my husband was 9, so all of these are really early-childhood memories for him. As a person who never had to live with any of these obsessions, I find all this energy and ingenuity and "our fortune is just around the corner" optimism really engaging and lovable. But again, as I say, I never had to live with it.
Sally
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pumpkinmom
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Oh Sally, the stories are never ending. I wonder what our neighbors think of us. I enjoy humor even in serious situation since it makes it easier. I no longer have a freezer for food. Filled with dead animals now! And people call all the time wanting to know if we want animals that they found dead or road kill . . . . I don't understand this one! Dh doesn't take them, but people will bring road kill to be mounted. My nail clippers and blow dryer kept going missing . . . . I told Dh to keep them and I would buy myself new ones. Always be careful when the outdoor grill burner is in use; it's never food. I really don't understand why I had to tell Dh that skunks were no longer allowed on our property. I feel so sorry for our garbage man. It is a good thing they got a truck with the automatic arm to dump the trash. Yes, it is legal to dispose of animal part in the trash service. We really aren't red necks, but my husband makes everyone question it. The funniest freezer story is when our dog died two years ago on the coldest week of the winter. The ground was too frozen to dig a hole. Advance ahead a few months and my Dh and dad are at the family farm. Dh has a shovel and my dad ask what he is digging and Dh says a hole to bury the dog. Dad is confused because he knows the dog died in January and it is now April. Dh goes and opens the deep freeze (that holds game from my dad, uncles and cousins) and pulls out a trash bag with our dog in it. I always wondered how he made it out to the farm and back in a short time and it was because he didn't bury the dog! I guess I can just be thankful he didn't mount the dog to preserve the memory of our family dog!
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Cassie
Homeschooling my little patch of Ds-14 and Ds-10
Tending the Pumpkin Patch
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Aagot
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All I can say Cassie is,
"My sympathies, my deepest sympathies!"
That would drive me nuts but the stories sure are funny from the outside. It is bad enough that my husband wants to get our daughter's first Pheasant stuffed. Really, can't we just take a picture?
Do you have space for a separate workshop?
And I would just stop having people over. It is stressful enough under normal messy conditions but this would push me to always meet up at a park.
God bless you!
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TxTrish
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I am cracking up!
My sweet hubby will do any household project I ask of him, generally right away. Fabulous, righ?
However, he then generally leaves whatever was required to do it laying right where it was done. It just doesn't bother him, he's moved on to the next thing, gonna do it later, whatever. Arrrrrg!
Here is our system, he leaves the whatever, where ever he was working. Next day(or there abouts depending on the size and inconvenience of the tools/supplies), I pick up the whatever and either have it put on his work bench (in the basement at this house, garages before) or I take it to the back door, and heave it out in the garage. Yep, I sling it right out there.
A few years ago my parents moved in with us, the first time this happened and my father actually witnessed it, I thought he was going to choke to death.
I don't think he actually believed that I really heaved it out the door. My children are known to check the front yard for their belongings that were left for too long where they didn't belong.
Here's one more, I have repeatedly (haven't we all) told my children that it isn't my job to pick up after them, and when they have tried to excuse their sloppieness by pointing to daddys items laying about (only once each that I remember)...
I tell them it is my job to clean up after daddy.
What makes this even better. Dh is the one who does all the deep cleaning normally in our family
He is much more finnicky about it being done 'right'.
Good luck finding your system together.
God bless you!
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4Real Forums : Our Lady's Loom, Larder, and Laundry
Topic: Would a good wife do this?
