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mom2mpr
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| Posted: June 02 2009 at 1:51pm | IP Logged
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I am not complaining. I have come to the realization my dh just doesn't have it in him to be the least bit domestic  I have gotten over the anger and sadness and am now trying to figure out how to live and raise kids who help.
Really, this man does nothing. Not even take his plate off the table after dinner. Never would think to pick anything up. Doesn't touch a dish or the kitchen counter. Will cook, but the mess is mine. I think you get the picture. (No anger there--just a peek into what it really is).
I came from a family where everyone pitched in. Kids did dishes and vacuumed and knew to pick something up which was out of place. His was not quite so pretty.
I am struggling with my home. I like order and some cleanliness. Homeschooling doesn't help. And I am not quite ready to give that up for a clean house.
The example he is setting is hard. My dc are 11(boy) and 6(girl). Dd is a pretty good helper. Ds has an attitude, but does have some weeks(when we are home a lot and rested) that he can be amazingly helpful--and I see hope 
I have tried doing a list of the "must do's" for each day of the week. Jobs that mean a lot to me like, trash and recycling to curb(we pay for it I want it picked up ), laundry, wastebaskets, change beds, dog bed, menu/grocery/shop, bathroom cleanings, and set up Roomba in a room each day, and kitchen floor done by Scooba each week. Just doing this paltry list is not helping. I feel so out of control! Part of it is an older house and mucho dust. But I don't dust--not a priority. But I see it and it just makes me so....uncomfortable?
I also struggle with not being a good mom and my kids going out and not knowing how to keep a good home. Mine is far from good :)
I have done FlyLady. I do have 15 minutes on my list each day to work in a room--I never get to it.
So, let me know how you do it. If your dh doesn't help or "get it" I could use some support. If he is traveling a lot or military, how do you keep it all together. I need hints, ideas, anything. I need it to be just a bit better here. I really like to be home but right now I don't--kwim?
Anne
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Anne, married to dh 16 years!, ds,(97), Little One (02), and dd (02).
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Kath
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| Posted: June 02 2009 at 3:32pm | IP Logged
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Hi Anne,
Just a quick question -- even though your dh is not "domestically inclined", does he see the value of teaching your children to help with the upkeep of your home? If he does believe it is important, then perhaps you could enlist his cooperation in setting up and enforcing chores for the kids. Sometimes getting dad involved can help a lot. As far as his example goes in this area, you could always tell your children, "Daddy works hard all day to provide these things for us, and it is our job to do the work to take care of them."
(Of course, I don't exactly have much experience in teaching children to do chores, so take all this with a grain of salt . . .  )
God bless,
Katherine
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Katherine
Mom to ds 8, ds 5, and ds 3
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Stephanie_Q
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| Posted: June 02 2009 at 4:47pm | IP Logged
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This is near and dear to my heart. My dh sounds just like yours, right down to "Will cook but the mess is mine". In our case, he is busy each evening and weekend with outdoor (farm) chores and really doesn't have time to help inside. My four kids are all under 7. I have the oldest two put away their own clothes, set the table, and unload the dishwasher. We have clean-up time while I start dinner - my 6, 5, and 4yo are each assigned a downstairs room to pick up and the 2yo goes in the ERGO. They can then go out to help dad (which is what my 4yo son wants to do) or play. My 4yo and 2yo also like to "help" with the laundry (putting dirty clothes in the washer - moving them to the dryer - putting them in the baskets - and pushing the buttons!) and other things like washing dishes (i.e. playing in the sink) which is not much help.
Those are the few basics but I know I need to work more with my kids on teaching them to help b/c I also feel out of control. I am returning to ideas from "A Mother's Rule of Life" and praying for faithfulness to my duties.
You said, "I do have 15 minutes on my list each day to work in a room--I never get to it." and so I thought this might help you, too: Elizabeth Foss wrote a 4-part series starting with "Plan for a Peaceful Home" (I found them reprinted on Catholic Exchange - Touched By Grace) and the point that really struck me was in her 3rd article, "Prioritizing for Peace" 3/17/09.
"We need to have a plan. The master plan can be created once and revised seasonally. But it must be consulted daily. How many of us fall into the trap of planning, planning, planning and then failing to execute because we don't really even try to follow the plan?
The plan promise peace; why not claim the peace it promises? Why not move myself beyond the inertia of indecision and lack of resolve? I want to prayerfully plan and then to prayerfully go about my daily round. God wills it. I look forward with confidence to the peace I'm promised."
God bless!
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Stephanie dh 6.01
dd 6.02, dd 8.03, ds 3.05, ds 12.06 at Catholic school.
dd 12.09 at home.
Baby boy due 10.13
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MrsM
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| Posted: June 02 2009 at 4:49pm | IP Logged
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Do you think you could find an extra 100-150 dollars in your monthly budget to hire outside help? When my kids were younger, between pregnancies, bfing, and hsing, I needed help--more than dh could give. So we made the decision that hiring outside help to do the deeper housecleaning was a wise way to use our extra money. The peace of mind it brought was so worth it!
We used a housekeeping service for about 5 years, until we felt that it wasn't needed. The kids and dh and I are now able to comfortably keep up with the housework. Since your dh is not willing to assist you, perhaps he would be willing to pay for the extra help. 
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Lynn in California
Homeschooling dd13, dd11, ds10, and ds8
Mom to Miracle Baby ds3
Mom to darling Elizabeth and Francis, held in Mary's arms and always in my heart
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mom2mpr
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| Posted: June 02 2009 at 5:24pm | IP Logged
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Thanks for the notes, ladies.
I might need to look into the "extra help." It would be so nice to give someone a list of things I want done--windows, dust(!), etc. and have the things that bother me done.
Nice also to know others have been there, or are there.
The household stuff just doesn't show to dh. His house growing up was pretty gross, per his siblings. Dh of course, would never admit it to me. So, that piece of info made me realize he just doesn't see it and it is not a priority to him. Because, our house is sooo clean compared to what he grew up in. But for me...not bad, but not tolerable for me.
I also think if I implement some pick up times that would help. We only pick up when we clean.
Thanks everyone!!
Anne
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Kathryn
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| Posted: June 02 2009 at 8:17pm | IP Logged
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Something we try to implement is setting the timer for even 10, 15 or 20 minutes and everyone goes thru and picks up. This is honestly only done about once a week although it could be daily but the sense of cleaniness that accompanies after is wonderful because alllll those hands helped p/u as opposed to just mine! If you could possibly get your husband to help during that time or implement this time w/ your kiddos, that's one thing to try. It's sometimes even a race to see HOW MUCH we can accomplish but that would only work for a brief 5-10 minute timer. The laughter that follows that is worth it as well. Imagine you all racing around and laughing for 5-10 minutes while hubby sits on couch or whatever...may be he would then be willing to join in. Hope that helps. :-)
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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SeaStar
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| Posted: June 03 2009 at 7:00am | IP Logged
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I was inspired by the Duggar family to divide my house into zones and assign a team to each zone. After dinner we now clean each zone so that the house is picked up and looks neat in the morning.
This clean-up doesn't take long, and having two people in each zone makes the clean-up a shared burden. It makes a huge difference to me, though, in that the house looks tidier every evening, and I didn't have to do it all myself. After clean-up we meet in the living room to say a decade of the rosary together. I used the crocheted rose pattern from Elizabeth's blog post to make a set of roses for this. If the clean-up and the rosary all go well, the kids know we will have extra family time for something fun before bath time. That could mean a game of basketball with Dad or a walk or a chance to swing in the backyard.
In the morning we have a simple checklist of hair and teeth (brushed), bed made, Pj's put away.
It's all small stuff but adds up.
Though secretly I would love a cleaning lady....
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
SQUILT Music Appreciation
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dawn2006
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| Posted: June 03 2009 at 9:15am | IP Logged
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Gosh, I have a lot to say about this! But I have to come back later.
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Dawn Farias | wife to Ariel | mom to Gabriel 9, Daniel 7, Elizabeth 5, and Michael 3 | blogger at Be Absorbed | native Texan but currently living near Seattle
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Willa
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| Posted: June 03 2009 at 9:45am | IP Logged
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My husband doesn't help with the housework. He and I both came from families where the Dad wasn't involved with clean-up, so it seems normal to me. In fact, when DH does get involved with laundry or something, say when I have just given birth or am sick, I almost feel uneasy and resentful! As if I went into his office and started going through his work papers.
I even felt this way about my kids helping out, so it was difficult for me personally to overcome it and get my kids involved in "my" work. Since you have the background where kids helped a lot, it seems that you might already have some advantages. Could you use some of the ideas that worked for your parents in getting the kids to help?
I have chore charts for the kids and have had for years. There are two chore charts. One is for meals -- they each have a permanent list of things to do to help with the clean-up. The other chore chart is for general housecleaning. It rotates weekly. We have a general clean-up day (Monday) and then daily maintenance. So for example, a kid might have "mopping" for his Monday job and sweeping/picking up for his daily maintenance job.
It sounds like your son naturally likes the "zone" or focused type of cleaning while your daughter likes to just help as you go, so maybe you could work around their personalities.... that is, get your son to help or take over some of the heavy once-a-week or -month cleaning, while having your daughter alongside you for the errand-running and light-maintenance type things. Maybe your son could have a couple of daily jobs that he thinks of as "his". For example, one of my sons has been in charge of taking out the trash and bringing in firewood for years and years. They're "guy" jobs to him and he knows it's a real help to the household.
Just a few ideas!
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AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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Mimip
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| Posted: June 03 2009 at 1:12pm | IP Logged
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Anne,
I want to second the outside help thing if you can. I have just gone back to having someone help every other week. My husband is very tired when he gets home and he doesn't see the need for "my" level of clean. I tried to catch up and get it all clean but just the picking up after the 16 month old almost put me over the edge.
Then my mom hired some outside help for me last summer. I took the kids to my Mom's house and came back and cleaned, purged (over 10 bags of stuff) and generally sorted while the very nice lady did the actual cleaning, dusting, scrubbing and such. At the end of the day, when my kids went to sleep, I sat down and cried and cried. I never realized what a huge burden the cleaning had become without any light at the end of the tunnel. I said a prayer and thanked God for my mother and her wisdom and realized that I needed some help. Since then, with a break when my husband was out of work(and helping me everyday) I have a lady come every other week. I do go without some books and arts and crafts supplies but for us it is worth the sacrifice.
I will be praying for you. I know what a huge burden this is for you. Remember to offer all the sacrifices up to our Lord for whatever you need. I try to offer it up for my children's vocations and for our marriage.
Lots of hugs
Oh and just so you know, YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB JUST BY TRYING!!!!
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In Christ,
Mimi
Wife of 16 years to Tom, Mom of DD'00, DD'02, '04(in heaven) DS'05, DS'08 and DS '12
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SuzanneG
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| Posted: June 03 2009 at 4:36pm | IP Logged
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Anne....you've been given some great advice so far!!
Just clarifying a bit, as there are a couple parts to this thread that people could chime in about:
1.......**
mom2mpr wrote:
| So, let me know how you do it. If your dh doesn't help or "get it" I could use some support. If he is traveling a lot or military, how do you keep it all together. I need hints, ideas, anything. I need it to be just a bit better here. |
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2........**Tips on educating your children about keeping a good house and developing good habits in them, when this is not an area where their daddy excels.
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Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
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stacykay
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| Posted: June 03 2009 at 9:45pm | IP Logged
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I have struggled with this for years.
I like order; dh doesn't care too much one way or the other.
I was brought up in a home where my mum did all the "house work" and dad did all the outside work and indoor repairs. Dh's family was the same. BUT my mum had just me at home, and dh's mom had half the boys we do and both her mom and mil to help with housework.
The best I hope for is that my boys will accept my dh's "do as I say and not as I do" motto. My dh is a great delegater!
Overall, my dss do help out, but since I don't have any dd, they can't pass the buck to any sisters.
Maybe you could approach chores with ds as "learning" for when he is grown and on his own? You could also maybe do a unit on obedience or God's orderly world, or something of that manner to help encourage ds?
I also think the cleaning lady sounds like a great idea!
God Bless,
Stacy in MI with 6 messy but trying dss 
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4Real Forums : Our Lady's Loom, Larder, and Laundry
Topic: Chores - Me & the Kids - Need Ideas
