4Real Forums: well I'm guess I'm just complaining but..

Oh, Dearest Mother, Sweetest Virgin of Altagracia, our Patroness. You are our Advocate and to you we recommend our needs. You are our Teacher and like disciples we come to learn from the example of your holy life. You are our Mother, and like children, we come to offer you all of the love of our hearts. Receive, dearest Mother, our offerings and listen attentively to our supplications. Amen.

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Nurturing the Years of Wonder
4Real Forums : Nurturing the Years of Wonder

Topic: well I'm guess I'm just complaining but..

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dolorsofmary
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Joined: Jan 17 2010
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Posted: July 21 2011 at 10:23pm \| IP Logged

I don't want to give away too much info so in case if persons in question are looking. I just have a few butterflies about a situation coming up. Its like de ja vu basically. Lets see if I can summarize and keep it short - so hard for me to be short winded you know. I just love to talk talk talk!

Friend (catholic homeschooler, pillar of the church type, I have high respect for her) sought me out a few yrs ago and we tried to have our sons grow up together, play together, etc. Didn't work out. Why? Her son. what you say? What did he do? More like what did she not do or really see I think? He was always pushy, grabby, in general my son didn't like playing with him. He would always act up when she would leave him with me to go potty alone or whatever. Eventually her son started pushing my son up high on playground equipment and it was just one thing after another for 2 yrs, I really really gave it the college try. My husband and I think it has to do with a disconnect between her view of her son and who her son really is. Her son likes to run and be athletic. He is a big boy. She seems to want him to be non-violent in anyway (boys sometimes have to do things like whack a pinata or whatever). She felt that he was so gentle he would never want to whack the pinata at my son's bday party but I have photos to prove the otherwise (don't worry it was not revenge photographing, just photogenetic) etc. etc. My son didn't want to play anymore and I really think her vision of her son and her son's level of energy and strength etc. had a disconnect and I think that is where the problem lied.

So up and coming butterflies... why? similar pattern but not to the same degree,

does 'introvert' mean take toys away from other kids, does 'shy' mean squirt kid in face? hmmm... my mommy alert is up high. I hope there is not another disconnect between mother and son. There is discipline but its always afterwards. It makes me wonder, hmmm...

Angie Mc
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Posted: July 22 2011 at 1:29pm \| IP Logged

Rosemarie, it can be very tempting to try to "figure out" what other parents are doing and why they are doing it. Some of this is fine if we focus on behaviors and then use this information to inform our own mothering. For example, I may not realize how much I value rough and tumble play among boys until I see the contrary. I become more clear about what I value and can make better choices for myself and my boys to include such play in their growing up.

The risk as a mother is the temptation to scrutinize other mothers and their mothering, to judge their intentions, character, person, soul rather than simply behaviors. All the behaviors you describe about this other mom and child seem to fall into common behaviors. It's OK to agree to disagree with other mothers and their mothering choices.

It's not OK to spend too much time looking at others. My eyes are best focused on God, my dh, my dc, my extended family, my friends, my neighbors, in that order. When someone rubs me the wrong way, I keep a healthy distance, engage as little as necessary to be polite, and bless them. That's it! Then I get back to doing what is important for my familiy.

Praying that your butterflies settle down and you can set healthy limits while also showing courtesy to other moms. We moms can use all the kindness we can get

.

Love,

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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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SusanMc
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Posted: July 22 2011 at 3:56pm \| IP Logged

I've been in situations like yours. Other times I've been in the position of the other mother. I'd second the advice to refrain from pathologizing or analyzing another family. In my experience that sort of thinking does far more harm than good. But you can be honest with yourself (and the other mother if appropriate) by saying "our sons have different playing styles and temperments. Now that they are a little older I'm interested in seeing if they are better able to get along. I hope so since I enjoy [other mother's] company so much myself."

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ekbell
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Posted: July 22 2011 at 4:43pm \| IP Logged

Just as an aside, being an intervert can exist alongside a like for rough and tumble play or even being a bit of a bully.

My oldest is an good example as from the beginning she has both *needed* a fair amount of alone time or she'll be grumpy/tired as well as a strong tendency to be overly rough with other children. Easier to grab or push then to actually *talk* and being large and strong for her age meant that she wasn't always aware of just how rough she was.

And I admit that it was easier as her mom to see the child who loved to spending hours by herself reading then the child who'd push other children around

partly because she comes by both tendencies honestly

I'm happy to say when I realized what was going on, we worked hard on being less rough and bullying and she now normally confines her roughhousing to those who enjoy it but there was a long period of time where I'd discuss appropriate behaviour before an outing and still need to correct her AGAInlN after she forgot and misbehaved (I don't like doing anything that might sound like pre-emotive scolding in front of others as my children tend to get embarrassed and not handle it well).

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