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dolorsofmary
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| Posted: May 13 2010 at 9:43am | IP Logged
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I am recovering for terrible food poisoning or a horrible virus. So yesterday I was sacking out on the couch and my son who will be 5 in August and I were watching cartoons. Usually tv is very limited but not yesterday! My son knows I am sick. In the cartoon the little boy decides to make a get well card for his daddy who was sick. And so he makes one and everyone is very happy (well of cours it is tv!)
So my son turns to me and says next time I'm sick Mommy can you make me a get well card? I was like to myself 'WHAT!'
And I said something like 'I'm sick don't you want to make me one? He was like ye-e--a-a-hh like he really didn't want to do it. And I let it be. I told him that I was hurt. Maybe I don't know that might have been too much but still i was like WOW!
Now we have tried to have other children and even adopt. And we cannot. We are an older couple on a tight income. We have enough money to go on nice day trips with our son but not enough to cover the cost of adopting another child. I know having another child would do wonders for my son's ability to see beyond himself. Any suggestions? I when I look at my parenting sometimes I wonder if I expect too much but then I wonder if that is what I need to do? I guess I need to look at a developmental chart but would they have selfishness on there? Thank you!
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CatholicMommy
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| Posted: May 13 2010 at 10:20am | IP Logged
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Children at this age have a natural tendency to be self-focused - they are constructing their very foundation of life at this point and *should* be focused on themselves. But we also don't want to lock them into a perpetual narcissistic mode either.
I've seen children from large families and only children who are naturally nurturing to those around them; and children from both situations who are very self-centered. I think it has more to do with personality and how parenting influences that personality, than just any one thing like family size.
In that situation I would have said, "Yes, of course I'll make you a get-well card when you're sick next time. Would you make one for me too please, since I'm sick right now?" And if he did, great - and if not, there will be another opportunity for gentle guidance. ie if others are sick, you could make the suggestion (or do it yourself and ask him if he'd like to do one too).
Does any of that help?
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: May 13 2010 at 10:55am | IP Logged
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Good suggestions
And don't panic over each incident. Everyone is selfish now and again.
But they're just that.. an incident. Try and look for the times he's NOT acting selfish and start noting those.. even if only to yourself and you may find that the selfish moments aren't so much a big deal as you might be inclined to make them because you're so worried about him being an only.
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dolorsofmary
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| Posted: May 13 2010 at 10:58am | IP Logged
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thank you so much for your great suggestions!
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guitarnan
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| Posted: May 13 2010 at 11:55am | IP Logged
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Jodie's right - at that age, "catching" them being good is very effective with children.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Kathryn
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| Posted: May 13 2010 at 8:41pm | IP Logged
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The others' suggestions are great. My DS almost 10! can barely ever look past himself and he's got one older sister, a younger sister and another sister on the way! Sometimes I think it takes some people a looooong time to mature. Also, I certainly consider the ability to empathize and consider someone else's feelings a virtue to be nurtured. I don't think you're necessarily expecting too much and at his age, I wouldn't worry too much. Hopefully next time he will remember, but if not, just keep trying.
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ekbell
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| Posted: May 13 2010 at 9:11pm | IP Logged
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One thing I've noticed is that it takes quite a bit before my children really 'get' that Mom is ill.
As long as their bodily needs are being met and I'm not actually confined to bed or throwing up it's the sort of thing that just doesn't register. Mom can't be really ill, she's the caretaker!
As for your son's reaction when reminded that you were ill, does he like making cards/doing handicrafts by himself or is this the sort of thing he only does with mom?
Some of my preschool children would have immediately gone to the craft stuff and started making a card (and a miserable mess) but others would have found the whole idea of doing a craft without their normal helper unthinkable.
[My oldest would have been upset at the very idea because she didn't have the eye-hand coordination to make a card she'd be happy with at that age.]
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guitarnan
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| Posted: May 13 2010 at 10:22pm | IP Logged
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That does make sense, ekbell. I am sick right now, my youngest is 12, and no one "gets" how sick I am. (They know I'm ill, and they ask if they can help, but I can still be there for them and cook and so on, so there isn't a huge crisis.)
I can also say, having raised a boy and a girl, that my son doesn't like to make cards or even sign them. My daughter creates cards, signs them, draws elaborate pictures inside...part of what you're going through, dolorsofmary, is parenting a typical boy.
Once you're hale and hearty, perhaps you can work together with your son on a card for someone else you know who's ill...deliver it...repeat once in a while...eventually he will connect helping friends, making cards, and illness. It takes a long time. And that is completely normal and developmentally appropriate.
(And I hope you are feeling better!)
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JennGM
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| Posted: May 13 2010 at 10:40pm | IP Logged
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We're an "older couple", too, so I know the feelings. I hope you're feeling better; that just sounds awful.
I've found my boys are a bit nervous when I get sick, like mentioned above, the Mom isn't supposed to be sick.
But your son wanting a card is in a way sympathetic. He's been watching you be sick, and now is imitating a little of the scenario. It's not that he's not understanding you, but he also is seeing if he gets the same sympathy. I see a little of him trying to be in your shoes, but not sure how to do it.
And what the other moms said is true, there isn't a lot of empathy yet, and young children are a bit self-centered in their nature.
I love Nancy's idea...the way to work through this is walking through (when you're well) how to act when someone is sick. Make those cards, show sympathy to the next sick person (or for him) and show how it's done.
Example and imitation is so much of how a child learns.
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guitarnan
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| Posted: May 13 2010 at 11:24pm | IP Logged
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And, you know, the hardest cards to send are the ones you send to those you love the most. (Think about how hard it is to send cards to dying friends...)
I value so much, now, the idea of spiritual bouquets (cards sent with commitments to say prayers, Rosaries, novenas, etc.) that I was taught in Catholic school. But, when I was 6, it just didn't make sense! I think your son is completely typical of a boy his age. Together, you'll figure it out, and ten years from now you will be marvelling at his insight and compassion...
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dolorsofmary
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| Posted: May 14 2010 at 2:47pm | IP Logged
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THank you all for your great responses! You all had GREAT advice and so valuable! My son only does crafts with me or with the ocassional teacher at the library or nature center, you know. So that makes sense. HE didn't see me at my sickest, but whatever. So good news is that I am no longer sick but my son is. He is not vomiting thank God but he does have diarrhea. Don't worry the doctor has been called and we're doing all the right things. and guess what I am going to make him a get well/spiritual bouquet card. Thank you for your advice!
I will continue to try to catch him doing grateful things. Thanks again!
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SeaStar
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| Posted: May 14 2010 at 7:50pm | IP Logged
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I have to smile reading all the responses. Yes, it's true- boys are a whole different experience. Love them, but they do not think along the same lines as the girls, especially about things like cards, etc.
I will be praying for everyone at your house to feel better soon!
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Becky Parker
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| Posted: May 18 2010 at 6:52am | IP Logged
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All of this is so true. I just wanted to add too, that at that age it can be disturbing for a child to think about Mom being sick - I mean, after all, Mom can do anything. I think they often dismiss it because it's hard for them to consider. I know if I'm sick it seems like my youngest kiddos actually misbehave. A wise grandma type person talked to me about it and said "of course they misbehave, they're insecure". It made sense and I realized they weren't "kicking me while I was down" they just really didn't know how to deal with it so they acted out. I love the idea of teaching them what to do while everyone is healthy. That is very wise.
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4Real Forums : Nurturing the Years of Wonder
Topic: expecting too much of my nearly 5 yr old?
