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dolorsofmary
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| Posted: May 04 2010 at 5:05pm | IP Logged
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OK its me again. My only child, a boy who is 4.5 yrs. old. You may recall we had a free try out time with a very holy, catholic, co-op. My son felt that the day was too long. It was from 9:30-3:30 instruction followed by about 1.5 -2 hours of play time. So not to force it on him but to help him develop holy friends we got the 'go ahead' to come just for the playtime from 3:30-5pm, this is only once a week. We just got back from it and the playtime was primarily outside and unsupervised becuase of the weather being so nice and the moms were busy doing this and that. I was truly taken aback by their unfriendliness. There are no other co-ops in the area that I would consider for him.
I feel that we should not go back but my husband feels we should try again.
There are the things that happened, its all childs' play but still.
1) we brought some kids card games to play with like crazy eights, slap jack, etc. and only 1 child played with us but that's ok most wanted to play outside.
2) my son works hard to making friends and really wants them. He tried to play with 2 girls who were playing together. They escaped into the girls room so they would not have to play with him.
3) outside the majority of children had collected caterpillars in cups. They were proud to show them off. Many had 20 or more caterpillars. My son asked them if he could have 1 or even just hold one. NO ONE would let him even touch one. We looked and looked for caterpillars but they must have been all picked over. My son and I played alone for the duration. It was very disheartening. your take on this. My husband hopes that as my son gets to be a more familiar face they will play with him more. I don't know.
Thank you.
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SeaStar
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| Posted: May 04 2010 at 5:16pm | IP Logged
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Oh, this *is* hard. It is difficult to break into an established group of children, especially if they have known each other/families for years.
We have this with our HS group... after nearly three years, there is group of little girls the same age as my dd who still will not play with her  . Why? Who knows. They just never had one bit of interest in her, I think because this little group has been together since birth. HOWEVER, during that time we've had new little girls join the group who are happy to play with her 
I would not give up yet... give it time. It is hard to see your ds excluded, and it is difficult to understand. I never felt comfortable approaching other mothers to see if they would encourage their dds to play with mine. I just kept praying.
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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Paula in MN
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| Posted: May 04 2010 at 5:20pm | IP Logged
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We've been part of our group for 5 years, and it took about 3 for people to open up to us. But, this is a small town, and these families are all related and have known each other since their grandparents all went to school in the same one room schoolhouse.
Give it a bit more time. Try contacting one of the "leaders" before hand and get them to introduce you to some moms with boys. That may help.
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 Paula
A Catholic Harvest
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: May 04 2010 at 5:28pm | IP Logged
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and not that I don't hover some myself.. but if you were outside playing with your son and the other moms were inside.. it might have been different enough to make the kids shy away from your son and the moms to not talk to you since you weren't nearby to chat with.
Even knowing the moms and knowing I could chat with the comfortably.. if I'm chasing my kids around.. they're not gonna be following me to chat unless we're both following the same set of kids.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: May 04 2010 at 5:34pm | IP Logged
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Oh.. also, I jsut realized.. our homeschool group does something like this too.. but really.. it's after the intense time of focusing and doing activities.. the moms will tend to congregate a bit to chat and be cleaning up and all.. and the kids just get to run around play or not whatever..
It sounds like you're coming in at that time. And while I know it seems like a long day.. if your goal is to get to know these people.. then joining in with the planned activities where everyone is included and having things in common will make the free play time much easier.
Also perhaps you could approach a couple of the ladies like was mentioned above.. but then invite them over for a play date or to meet at a park or something for more one on one time.. it'll make the group time easier.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: May 04 2010 at 8:00pm | IP Logged
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It is always hard to make new friends! Our family moved a lot when our children were young. I wish that I could say that there was always a kind person who befriended me at new locations, but the truth is that, there were kind (and not so kind) people at each location but most were too distracted by their life to notice me....and it takes time to sort out who is who. At first I took all of this personally, but then after several moves I realized that this was common...nothing personal.
So, be pro-active! Focus first on being happy and content at home and then go ahead and hang around where you can, when you can, until you find a friend OR you are *sure* that there isn't a soul you want to get to know there (and yes, that has happened to me too.) Bring a potential friend a meal. Offer to watch her child while she goes shopping. Send her an uplifting or funny email. Invite her to the park. Swap DVDs. Start your own group. Keep it light and generous!
I got into the habit of seeing it as my responsibility to introduce myself, to offer help, to go out of my way to be grateful for every tiny speck of hospitality. I tried to be as friendly and cheerful as possible to anyone who was kind enough to include me in any fashion. I worked at not looking desperate (even though at times I was very lonely) or being a burden to anyone. I didn't expect much.
Another angle...co-ops aren't for everyone. Our family has never found a fit in a co-op, so don't feel pressured to participate in a co-op if it doesn't feel like a good fit for you. We've always done better with informal gatherings such as park days, having friends to our home, participating on sports teams, and other friend-making ways.
Oh...be sure to pray for friends! One move, my then 4/5yo ds prayed for friends and the next thing I knew, we had a ton of little boys in our life  . One of those little boys brought me my good friend, stefoodie!
Praying you find a gem or two or three!
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Sarah
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| Posted: May 04 2010 at 9:31pm | IP Logged
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We're not coop people either. I have had lots of sorrow with my oldest son and unsupervised, unstructured play time. My conclusion is the kids simply do not have the skills alone to properly socialize. Its is much better, in my opinion and experience to have small get togethers and structured time. For example, we used to go over to a friends house when my son was your son's age. It was a nice family and the older teenaged daughters took the 5 year olds and facilitated games. It was much better than a bunch of kids running around unsupervised while mothers chatted away oblivious as to what was going on. My son had SO many bad expriences that we stopped going. It was so hard and sad as he so wanted kids to play with. He was so lonely. My husband concluded that his major social experience each week was a super negative experience and this would actually be harmful rather than beneficial. We pulled back for a few years and looked elsewhere.
Take heart! There are other opportunities out there, especially for a little guy. My son, all these years later now has fun with a nice group of home schooled kids and is perfectly socially normal as a teenager. Kids like him and he is happy. So what I am saying is that after you give this group another try, if you still feel this is a negative social experience, then look elsewhere. He will be no worse off. Also, down the road as your son grows older these same families may pop back in your life and be just what your sons needs.
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Six boys ages 16, 14, 11, 7, 5, 2 and one girl age 9
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dolorsofmary
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| Posted: May 05 2010 at 5:55am | IP Logged
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Thank you all for your great replies. I truly value them. I wrote the starter of this thread as quickly as possible just before dinner was done, and I am trying the co-op for my son really, not so much for me, although it would be nice to have a few good catholic homeschooling friends. I know the ladies but I am not close in anyway. My playdate friends consist of an assembly of God homeschooler and a catholic from a very good homeschooling family who is deciding to send her kids to catholic school. I was tight with a very good catholic homeschooler about 1 yr ago for a good amount of time but she kept on giving her son empty threats and he would be mean to my son and eventually it got a little dangerous up on top of playground equipment and my son told me that he didn't want to play with him anymore so we stopped. (between playdates we taught our son to stand up for himself but eventually the other boy just kept on bullying even though) So I always pray for my son to have friends but I didn't think to pray that I have friends. What a great idea! I also have to pray that I don't put my foot in my mouth! I have terrible foot in mouth disease! But back to the co-op it is not safe for my son to play alone outside or attempt to play outside with others who might reject him outside. There is broken glass and woods and the very busy road so Iguess becuase he is my only one i am often his friend. You make a good point, since I am right there maybe I am scaring off other friends from coming over? maybe not though. When they played inside on our 1 free day there he had about 3 friends he played with and I did not hover and i had lots of time to talk to other Moms. Oh well.
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4Real Forums : Nurturing the Years of Wonder
Topic: co-op rudeness, not sure if coming back
