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dolorsofmary
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| Posted: Feb 09 2010 at 8:42am | IP Logged
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I had my husband read over my prior post and I apologize for posting it twice. At first it said that there was an error and so I sent it again but I guess I sent it twice, whatever.
My husband and I hashed out the real underlying problem I am having right now. And I would like your input on this.
Now before I continue imagine you have a very smart little boy who is 4.5 yrs old and he has no brothers and sisters at all. And he probably will never have them due to the fact that we are older.
OK the underpinning of my worry and flurry is that my son gets through activities with me quickly and then is ready for the next. And he always wants more and more and more. If I want to read like montessori philosophy I usually turn on a movie for him so I can be left alone. THen I hear 'I'm bored' So at times when we are not doing a craft, science experiment, religious activities, reading aloud, finger plays, spelling things with magnetic letters, etc. etc etc. I will turn on the tv or tell him 'boredom helps you get creative' and let him play by himself. We do have a once a montyh play date with our homeschooling group. I have a once a week play date with a friend who has a boy my son's age and a younger brother but we have not seen then since Christmas due to colds and flu and we have a once a month homeschooling rollerskating and of course once a week tot soccer, preballet/tap and fun and free and frequent library activities and fun activities (almost weekly) at the local nature center. So he does get out and he is very social. But he wants more and more and more. And like yesterday we did this really really cool science experiment on frogs, how they eat, how they jump, how they metamorphize, and somehting else I cannot remember complete with craft and jumping and finger plays, you name it .It wasn't enough so I did a magnet experiment from mudpies and magnets, that was fun and but that wasn't enough. Oh my! What else! My head was soooo clogged I couldn't read aloud for an extended period without enormous pressure so we didn't do that. THen he was whisked to thelibrary for a fun kiddy program on puppy dogs complete with a live puppy dog too. So well is he spoiled? Hmmmm..... Welll... hmmm.. We do use love and logic and lots of natural consequences. ANyway I guess you can say he is precocious (not even sure if I am spelling that right). But its a never ending thing of crafts, the next one the next one the next one. I am his playmate. We have TONS of snow here in NJ and we are to get tons more tonight! and I just got over bronchitis to then get a whopper of a head cold that sealed my sinuses and ears almost completely. I got some prescription last night though, thank GOd, while son was at the library with husband. So needless to say we have been cooped up for a long while due to illness. In the summer we'll just spend every day at the pool and take a break probably from all of this. Its the winter that's hard.
Also my husband strongly suggested as one of you also suggested the following: do not buy anything else. I have plenty of stuff around the house. I need to look through it and I love the idea of making sticky notes on lesson plans. I like now that I have the CHC lesson plans because it will be a basis of my weekly planner and from there I will have to get super organized on all the resources I own.
Lastly I see that the other thing that is driving my is my inferiority complex and my criticalness of myself and everything. I always saw my parents as complainers and last night I realized that I am a complainer too. ANd that feeds my inferiority and drives me to do more and more so I can be perfect. I don't want that for my son. I'm so glad God made me see that. It was a stroke of grace. One step at a time. I will not complain or see the negative . I will see the positive in things. I will see the positive in things.....
I invite your response, encouragement, and/or advice. I learn so much from you ladies. Thank you!
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stellamaris
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| Posted: Feb 09 2010 at 10:28am | IP Logged
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Dear dolors, sometimes our own worst enemy in the homeschooling venture is ourselves. You have correctly identified your problem as being a reflection of your negative thinking. I'd like to suggest that you read and apply the principles in the book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. The technique described in this book helps one to identify negative and false thoughts and to replace them with positive and truer thoughts. Also, I think frequent reception of the Blessed Sacrament is very important for you at this time. Jesus brings peace, healing, and truth into our souls; He teaches us to rest in His presence and to humbly accept ourselves and the circumstances of our lives. The situation you find yourself in, with an only child, is challenging for any mom, but it is the plan God has for you life and your son's life.
It is easy as a mom to feel guilty that we cannot do everything and solve every problem for our child. But it is not good for us to do this! It is OK for your son to be alone, to play alone, to struggle with thinking of things to productively occupy his own time--it is even beneficial for him! When he has to consider what he will do, when he has to plan a play time for himself and engage his imagination as a companion of sorts, he is learning and developing his mental powers. You might find the book Nuture Shock helpful in learning about the current research on the development of children, especially the chapters on "The Search for Intelligent Life in Kindergarten" and "The Sibling Effect".
Can you schedule your day so that there is a time slot in the morning and also in the afternoon when he is to play by himself? You can tell him something like, "This is your time to play and Mommy has some work to do." If you know it is a set time, you will not feel so pressed to "rescue" him if he is having some struggles getting started playing alone. I don't know for sure, but I suspect that, as moms everywhere have experienced, you are suffering from some guilt feelings (I shouldn't let my child be upset, or bored! I should make every moment a learning event...) This is a sure-fire path to burnout. Homeschooling is a long road and your son is still very young; every moment of life need not be filled with productive activity and if it were we would surely suffer a great loss of peace, rest, and joy in our lives. You might also consider making Sunday a day of "rest" from any school-time or mommy-initiated activities, if you don't already do this. It can be a time just to relax as a family, for you and your dh to talk, read the paper, garden, craft, or whatever you enjoy. Remember, when your son grows up and leaves home, your dh will still be there. Invest time in your relationship with him; this will benefit both you, your dh, and your son. Your son can participate as he is able, or he can learn to play, color, listen to Bible tapes, or even just rest! Another book that might encourage you and give you a perspective on the value of "less" is being discussed on this forum: Simplicity Parenting While it does discuss a Waldorf-style education (not your style), its value for you lies in the way is affirms and explains the "less is more" idea of child raising. I think all of these books would be in your local library.
Finally, I know from my own painful struggles that your thinking patterns are going to tend to make you feel dissatisfied with every curriculum choice if you do not address this now. Nothing will ever seem quite "right" or "enough". It will be easy for you to push yourself right into burnout, as well as spending inordinate amounts of time and money on making it perfect for your child. It will be hard to not allow your son to pressure you to meet all of his perceived needs, even when this is not in his best long-term interest. Don't get caught in this dangerous trap! With your dh's help, set limits on:
**how much money you can spend annually on curriculum
**how many activities per week your child can participate in
**how much time each day you should take for yourself (this automatically will help your son play independently, even if it is only 15 minutes)
May God grant you wisdom, peace, and freedom from fear, dear dolors!
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In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to  dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
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dakotamidnight
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| Posted: Feb 09 2010 at 10:30am | IP Logged
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We're in the same boat too - DD is an only for now, with none coming soon.
I don't have any ideas though - we're doing the same as you mostly.
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: Feb 09 2010 at 12:27pm | IP Logged
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Lots of sympathy. It was hard with my oldest when she was still an only (or "lonely" child as she called it). Besides the normal, only child problem of lack of playmates my daughter is very extroverted and talkative. Sometimes she didn't want me to actually "play with her". She just wanted me to sit there and watch her play with my full attention while she talked incessantly (talk about torture!)
Caroline is right that you need to set specific time periods for him to play by himself. This is important not only for your sanity, but he has to learn that he can't go through life expecting other people to entertain him all of the time. Life involves a lot of downtime by ourselves. And by constantly rescuing him, you will also inhibit his abilities to imagine, create, and process information for himself.
Perhaps you can integrate him into some of your chores if you haven't done so already. You can also work together to come up with a list of things he can do by himself with pictograms and words that he can refer to.
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Barbara
Mom to "spirited" dd(9), "spunky" dd (6), "sincere" dd (3), "sweet" dd (2), and baby girl #5 born 8/1/12!!
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montessori_lori
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| Posted: Feb 09 2010 at 12:54pm | IP Logged
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Good for you for taking the time to really think it through!
I suggest adding some open-ended activities to your learning time that can be used again and again. That way you don't feel like he always needs you to be "performing" to keep him entertained.
This may mean buying some stuff - but space it out or ask for these things for birthday presents, etc. so you don't spend all at once. Also check out eBay for deals on gently used toys. And other homeschooling moms may love to swap or give away gently used toys too.
Some that my kids have used for dozens of hours include:
~Legos (any kind; can find at garage sales or eBay)
~Kapla Blocks (can be pricey, but worth it; find on eBay or Amazon)
~Lauri pegs (my kids are 9 & 6 and they still play with these)
~Colorforms (I like this set from Michael Olaf but there are less expensive ones; also there are other great geometry block toys on that Michael Olaf page)
~Any kind of wooden blocks
~Open-ended art supplies: paper, pencils, crayons, clay etc. with no set project, just free time
I homeschool two kids (who are 3 years apart and don't always get along), and there are periods of boredom and "Entertain us, mom!" I simply refuse to put on a three-ring circus for them all the time, and amazingly, they always find something to do (sometimes together, sometimes apart).
I would also set aside a quiet time or silent reading time where he has to sit with a stack of books - whether he can read all the words doesn't matter. He can sit alone and flip through the books. I have both my kids do this every day also.
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Gloria JMJ
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| Posted: Feb 09 2010 at 1:19pm | IP Logged
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Does he have a pet? A dog is a great companion and learning tool too  .
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Feb 09 2010 at 4:18pm | IP Logged
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stellamaris wrote:
| Dear dolors, sometimes our own worst enemy in the homeschooling venture is ourselves. You have correctly identified your problem as being a reflection of your negative thinking. I'd like to suggest that you read and apply the principles in the book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. The technique described in this book helps one to identify negative and false thoughts and to replace them with positive and truer thoughts. |
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Last year at this time, we had a discussion on this topic called, How We Think. This link will bring several others related to the discussion.
Another quick thought, what you describe to me sounds like one of my children. His desire to be in constant activity AND to have constant company we eventually called "layering" - wrote more about this here. He's the child who wants to have more, more, and more fun! He's great to have around and he is very well liked by others...yet...I have had to work with him on understanding that not everyone is up to his level of activity and fun! I remind him that the ability to do so much is truly a gift from God that must be used wisely. I honestly tell him that although I, too, like to do a lot and have a lot of fun, because of my duties, age, and temperament, I will often need to say no to his wishes because of my limits. I also help him to understand that some people *really* get exhausted from so much activity. Two members of our family are strong introverts and simply can't take so much chatter, activity, and yes, fun. Anyway...I know that your boy is still little and I may be off base but this is my long winded way of saying that it is OK to accept your limitations and find routines, activities, and down-time that works for both of you . By sharing your limits (in an age-appropriate way) with your son, you will help him to grow in his ability to have simpathy for others.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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dolorsofmary
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| Posted: Feb 09 2010 at 9:09pm | IP Logged
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thank you thank you thankyou your advice is soo helpful and appreciated!
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violingirl
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| Posted: Feb 09 2010 at 10:28pm | IP Logged
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Everyone has given so much great advice but I thought I'd offer something that has helped us.
I'm introverted and my 4yo likes to be kept busy. Over the summer when I wasn't working very much we had a daily "making time" while my younger son napped. I would sew and he could make whatever he wanted. I have a box of fabric scraps, paper, glue, markers, whatever you can think of for him to work with. We were in the same room together but doing our own projects. It helped me feel refreshed by doing something creative and it helped my son learn to work on his own.
It took a week or so for him to really understand that I was going to do my own thing and he would do his, but it turned into a really fun part of our day, especially showing each other what we made at the end of that work period.
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acystay
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| Posted: Feb 12 2010 at 10:28am | IP Logged
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You know, even though I have 3 kids I get the same things going on. My DD, no 8, doesn't want to play with brothers, or one brother doesn't want to play with the other. It is endless actually.
Lori suggested getting opened things to do. YES! My children love building forts and then hiding out in them. We have gotten blank silks and then dye with kool-aid. They get to pretend to be something (knight, princess, dragon). We LOVE Keva planks (made in USA and very much like Kapla) Having the craft items out and in the open works great too. My daughter would always go to those and just draw and cut. We got her some Kumon books (cutting, easy crafts, folding) and she LOVED them. I didn't have to sit with her and do them with her. House work is also good too. They fold laundry and put dishes away. Perhaps you could give him that as well. Another thing that helped...quiet time. Build a private comfortable place with him and talk about that being his special afternoon quiet time. Give him some books or something to draw and set a timer. Start with about 15 mins. It does take time, but eventually, he will understand that you do need some time alone too.
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hopalenik
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| Posted: March 18 2010 at 3:23pm | IP Logged
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Hi,
I just noticed this thread. I was an only child with no neighbors. It was hard. But I was totally capable of entertaining myself for hours and hours and hours. I remember that I really had 3 toys. Light Bright. A dollhouse and dolls and a few dolls and doll stuff. They were well made but I didn't have tons of crafts, or little toys or this that and the other thing. I don't really ever remember being bored or lonely (and I was pretty darn spoiled with no chores at all). Personally, I think you just need to be firm with your son. Hey, you need to spend some time by yourself now, mommy has some things that must be done. I have that trouble with my son (he has 5 sisters). "Sorry, you may not watch TV, or play on the computer. Play Legos, color or I will give you a chore...." is my favorite expression.
As an adult, I am one of the most self sufficient (emotionally) adults that I know. I have friends but I am totally capable of living alone in my mind-meaning I can go on the computer or phone or leave it and see no one for weeks or even months. I attribute that to the fact that my mom never caved and constantly entertained me. I had to learn to entertain myself. Just don't let your son know that you feel inadequate-he will take complete advantage of you... His boredom or neediness is his cross to overcome, even if he is still young.
Holly
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Holly
Mom to dd 10, twins dd and ds (transplant as baby that failed 05/09, permanent dialysis patient) 8 , dd 5 and dd 3 1/2 and dd in Feb 2009. 2 I hope to meet in heaven.
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4Real Forums : Nurturing the Years of Wonder
Topic: I guess this is the real problem
