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ambermelody
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| Posted: July 12 2007 at 5:11am | IP Logged
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I was wondering about everyone's thoughts on dealing with our dc's negative behaviour in a Montessori way.
I have a fantastic 3 1/2 y.o. ds who is a sweet, smart cookie... but he can also be a handful!
Today we ran the gauntlet of tantrums & purposeful destructiveness, hitting at his baby brother, yelling at myself & his daddy.
Don't get me wrong - because 95% of the time he is a wonderful buddy of mine & thoughtful & interesting & funny & a joy to be with  but you just get those days - or periods - when things seem to be too much.
How do we find the balance between Maria Montessori's thoughts on "Respecting the Child" & setting the firm limits that can eventually allow for "Freedom with Resposibilty"? & make this work in your own lives.
Amber
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Mackfam
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| Posted: July 12 2007 at 6:35am | IP Logged
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Amber - There is something about the 3 1/2 - 4 yo that really stretches our patience and tries to test limits in a major way. There must still be discipline in your home, or you cannot accomplish anything in your homeschool, or anywhere else for that matter. I believe in gentle, but firm discipline. We won't get into methods, because everyone has their preferred methods that work for their family, and that really is a prudential decision for each family. But, I do discipline - gently. Some redirection, offering healthier alternatives. Firmly reminding that we DO NOT hurt anyone in our family, and a request to please apologize to the offended person.
Sometimes, the fits and tantrums are a result of a stress in your little guys life that he cannot express in any other way. Sit down and really think about life...have you moved? did you just move him to his own bedroom? Wean? Are you expecting? Anything? If you're all clear, then it's probably just a case of him trying to exercise his control over you or his baby brother.
Be firm, but gentle. This certainly jives with Maria's philosophy on respecting the child. You cannot maintain an environment for learning if there is chaos reigning! And we do a serious disservice to the emerging little person if we do not help them to control their emotions in a healthy way. To not discipline would be disrespectful.
I'm not sure if this helps at all Amber. These are my thoughts on discipline, and they have certainly evolved a lot in the 10 1/2 years I've been parenting. I do try to discipline the "moment" but also keep in mind that I need to help this little person become responsible and independent. Both things I think Maria would approve of.
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Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19 , ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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SeaStar
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| Posted: July 12 2007 at 7:03am | IP Logged
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I like the 1-2-3 Magic system for this reason. There is no yelling, threatening or spanking. For misbehavior, the child is counted and knows that a count of three will bring clearly defined consequences. The child is given the chance and the choice to stop bad behavior. I think that fits in well as far as respecting the child. Also, once the incident is past (if the child was counted to three and went to a time out), the whole thing is forgotten. You don't say: Now what did you learn, how are you going to act next time, etc... You just forgive and forget and move on. That has helped me as a parent let go of my anger at times like that. It also reminds me: when I make a mistake, do I want it discussed and brought up forever? No. I want to move on and try harder next time.
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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CatholicMommy
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| Posted: July 12 2007 at 8:28am | IP Logged
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You have described MY 3 1/2 year old to a T!!! He's so helpful and smart and sweet and loving and careful - and then all of a sudden something is thrown on the floor, another child is knocked down, etc. He bit for a short time, but thank goodness that's passed!
I wish I could remember the exact Montessori source, but somewhere she explicitly states that is our responsibility as adults to assure children are not allowed to continue in any destructive behavior - whether attitude, with people, with materials, with themselves. If I could remember the source, I could perhaps she if she said anything else....
Even when I can't find the source of my son's sudden naughtiness, I do think there is something going on that causes him to be off-balance. Tired; hunger; lack of knowledge as to how to behave at a particular moment; trying to communicate but not able to do so in a way we can understand; etc. Regardless of the reason, I let him know that his behavior is not acceptable and show him exactly what is acceptable. I do this as immediately as possible and the behavior issues generally calm down quickly - if I wait too long, there's something of a snowball effect.
I AM hoping it's more of a stage than anything. He has started coming to me at times as if to ask what he should do, before he misbehaves, so perhaps there's hope after all!
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AndreaG
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| Posted: July 12 2007 at 8:41am | IP Logged
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I am in NO position to be offering parenting advice, but
I have found the book Easy to Love Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey to be really helpful in getting me into the montessori mindset for discipline. I just wrote a bit about it on my blog:
http://grayfamilycircus.blogspot.com/2007/07/book-review-eas y-to-love-difficult-to.html
I agree that nipping these behaviors in the bud is the best bet!
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Andrea
GrayFamilyCircus
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Meredith
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| Posted: July 12 2007 at 9:27am | IP Logged
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Have you by any chance been on the computer too much  ( I don't mean this to be offhanded here, please don't misunderstand my joke) My 2 yo and 5yo really crack if I am on the "puter" for more than about 10 minutes at a stint. I agree with all the advice you have been given already and I am certain that he's just trying in his own way to get your attention, and in my case (with 3 boys) they tend to go the destructive, violent route  It's not pretty, and if I keep saying "just a minute, honey..." It just prolongs their agony and the *incidents* go on an upswing. 
Prayer and stepping away from the screen has really made a big difference for my little guys. And getting right down at their level with them when they want to talk to me, not looming over them from my stool. (I know, funny visual, eh, can she really loom at 5' 3"  )
Right now it's HOT, and things are ALL OVER MY HOUSE (thank you Alison's, MC, MO, Kid Advance ) and my dc are in a bit of limbo as we are not sure WHERE we will be living in these next few months, so I can totally feel for you Amber! So glad you brought your concerns here and I am certain that Maria Montessori would approve of the respectful/disciplined atmosphere you so desire.
Blessings to you!
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Meredith
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lapazfarm
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| Posted: July 12 2007 at 6:08pm | IP Logged
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I think part of respecting the child is giving him/her the boundaries and direction they need. Gently but firmly.
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
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ambermelody
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| Posted: July 14 2007 at 5:51pm | IP Logged
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Mackfam wrote:
| Be firm, but gentle. I do try to discipline the "moment" but also keep in mind that I need to help this little person become responsible and independent. Both things I think Maria would approve of. |
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Thank you Jennifer for your kind response. The overiding message in everyone's post was so clearly laid out here: "Firm, but gentle" & although I knew that - it was so nice to be reminded & have it reconfirmed, & then your quote about needing to help them become... well, that's the essence of it all isn't it. We can't MAKE them do or be anything really. We can only guide & support them - which is why it's so frustarting sometimes I guess! 
SeaStar wrote:
| You just forgive and forget and move on. That has helped me as a parent let go of my anger at times like that. It also reminds me: when I make a mistake, do I want it discussed and brought up forever? No. I want to move on and try harder next time. |
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So very true. No, WE don't like to be embarrased or berrated or reminded of our faults & our flaws. Thank you for that strong reminder. It's very powerful, Melinda.
Catholicmommy wrote:
| You have described MY 3 1/2 year old to a T!!! He's so helpful and smart and sweet and loving and careful - and then all of a sudden something is thrown on the floor, another child is knocked down, etc. He bit for a short time, but thank goodness that's passed! |
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It's so good to know we're not alone. I think that's why I started this thread - sometimes you just feel that you're the only one & even though, intellectually, you know you're not... it's wonderful to make connections. & I should thank my blessings that we've never had to deal with any biting which must be very stressful.
Meredith wrote:
| Have you by any chance been on the computer too much |
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While funny - it's a great point! I have been on the computer more recently (happened to stumble across an amazing sea of wisdom & humour  ) & I guess I need to put that into the picture!
Things are much brighter here . I think I was letting myself pick up on too much of my ds's emotion when he got upset & that was making me upset & stressed out. I really meditated on your responses & it was "firm, but gentle" that really struck a chord in its simplicity. Being firm really means being unswayed by those emotions that might get aroused, & not getting swallowed up by them. Gently, well that's why we're all here I think.
Much wisdom ladies, & mucho appreciation from me for your thoughts,
Amber
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Mackfam
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| Posted: July 14 2007 at 6:27pm | IP Logged
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Oh Amber, it sounds like you've got it all together! Those little people sure know how and when to rock us don't they! 
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Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19, ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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ambermelody
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| Posted: July 14 2007 at 6:30pm | IP Logged
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You're not kidding!!
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Meredith
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| Posted: July 15 2007 at 9:51am | IP Logged
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Amber I'm so glad you're feeling better about things, some days are just that much harder than others with little people around us all the time!! We're so glad you brought you question here, we LOVE to help where we can!!
Blessings!
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Meredith
Mom of 4 Sweeties
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4Real Forums : Nurturing the Years of Wonder
Topic: DC's negative behaviour v the MM way?
