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sunny
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| Posted: June 27 2008 at 10:23pm | IP Logged
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I have been hoping to home school my ds 41/2 and dd 3 and I have a wonderful dh who would support whatever my decision. I have been absorbed in reading about curricula and methods, etc. I have also spent the most joyous past 4 yrs with tons of reading and learning and playing with my dc! Otherwise things are not so great. Our lives have been through many changes all of which I don’t think are necessary to go into here, but we have moved to a new city and are starting basically a new life here. We have no friends and my dh is starting a new business. There is a lot of stress! But in moving here, I hoped to find a nice area with a good Catholic church and in case I decided against homeschooling, a good Catholic school. It was my plan to get involved and make friends. Well, I haven’t found that situation yet and I haven’t made friends and neither have my dc and that is what concerns me most. I did contact the local Catholic homeschool group. They were very kind but quite far from me. I am beginning to feel that I should go ahead and put ds 41/2 into a preschool just so that he can have some friends. Both dc are in music classes once a week and in a play (gym type) class. Of course, I take them to the park also where they also get to interact a bit with other children but it is not the same as having friends. We really are alone here and spend most of our time just the 3 or 4 of us. I am sorry this is so long, so without boring or burdening you anymore, I guess my question is how bizarre is this situation? And how unhealthy for my dc? Do you think I can hold them out of school a little longer and hope to settle and find a community or at least some friends...or is it just crazy and awful that my ds is almost 5 and has never had a friend other than his mother or younger sister? I am open to any advice, input, prayers or comments. (I was going to say thanks for listening but thanks for reading!!)
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LisaR
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praying for you!! I know alot of people who don;t settle on a house to buy/rent until they find out where the homeschool crowd mainly lives/gathers. that could make all the difference....
you seem to have alot on your plate. I'd wait a bit before commiting to a school. can you try to contact a secualr or protestant homeschool support group to broaden your options a bit??
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folklaur
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| Posted: June 27 2008 at 10:43pm | IP Logged
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No, it isn't bizarre.
Remember, yes, they will be around other kids in school, but they may not be the ones you would *want* them to be around, anyway.
A very wise Mom on here said recently, "No friends are better than the wrong friends." I loved that so much. I told DH, and he heartily agreed (the conversation at the time was actually about teen girls, but I think it applies across the board.)
We also just moved to a new city - and away from a really strong support system. I have considered the local school, but I know, in my heart, it isn't the best choice for us, and is just a fear reaction.
And - your children are in music classes, and play gym, and you take them to the park.  All good stuff! You will find that there are families on here who live very rurally, and don't even have classes as an option. SO really - you do have some good stuff going on!
and prayers!
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JuliaT
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| Posted: June 27 2008 at 10:57pm | IP Logged
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It's funny that you should post this. I was just conversing online with another hs mom who shares this same dileema with me. We have been hsing for 4 years and my children have no friends, either. They are involved in soccer, swimming, etc so they are socializing but they have no solid frienships. This has bothered me for awhile. But I keep thinking, though, that I went to public school and I didn't have any friends, either, so going to school does not guarantee that you are going to have a full social life.
The other hs mom that I was talking to about this said that her chldren may not have good friends but they do have an amazing relationship with their siblings. This is the case in our family, too. So it is not all negative.
Blessings,
Julia
mom of 3(9,7,5)
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SallyT
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We've been in the same boat, sort of -- nine years ago we made a transatlantic move with, at the time, a 5.5yo and a toddler. The 5.5yo DID go to school (long story -- we're definitely converts to homeschooling) . . . and she did over time make a handful of friends . . . but even so, much of our life for a long time was just the four of us doing things together. Looking back, that was really one of the most positive aspects of that period of our life as a family: circumstances forced us to turn to each other and rely on each other, and our children have been better friends, I believe, as a result.
Keep in mind that 4 and 3 are still really young, too. I'm just really not convinced that kids that young need a massively active social life outside the home, though certainly our society pushes that "get them out there" model a lot. My two younger kids, now almost-6 and 4, have been home from birth -- we started homeschooling when the almost-6yo was 1 and the 4yo was a few months from being born -- and they seem no less happy and well-adjusted than the older kids were, who went to preschool and school. If anything, they seem far happier and better-adjusted than my oldest was at the same age. I thought that preschool would be "good for her," just as I later thought school would be "good for her," but in hindsight, having seen her thrive in homeschooling, I can see clearly how preschool didn't help her introverted personality.
Now that I think of it, aside from palling up with younger siblings of their own older siblings' friends, they really haven't ever had playdates just for them, and I haven't had them in organized activities. But they are quite confident and social and have no problem striking up acquaintances with other children and playing well, which all leads me to think that when the time comes, they won't have much problem making and keeping more "serious" friends. In the meantime, they're each other's best friends, and I love that. My own brother and I were never close, so it makes me happy to see my children be indispensable to each other.
Praying for you -- we're actually about to test all my theories on this subject by moving yet again, so maybe we can all compare notes in a few months . . .
Sally
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mom2mpr
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Your kids are young and if you are OK with the social situation they will be. I think a lot has to do with the parent attitude.
We moved, and I tried for years to re-create the social scene we had in our old hometown. I was angry, upset and spending more time on trying to find friends for my kids and myself than I was spending time with my poor kids, enjoying them. I am finally back, mentally, to a place that is good and am feeling so bad for the past 3 years. My 5 year old was most affected.
They are now better with a mom who has time for them, they are not worrying about the friends they lost, they have each other. We do have some social outlets but most of all they are enjoying being home, playing and having a mom who listens--instead of getting them ready to run somewhere else to try to find our "people."
Don't heap a lot of pressure on yourself. Enjoy your kids, spend time with them and people you enjoy and don't worry.
I am back to the philosophy I had as a single woman, wanting to get married and have a family, and yet flying through my 30's with no "hope" in sight. I decided I would do what I enjoyed and the people would follow--and it worked--and I met my dh. And it is working now, my kids are happier and we have met a few friends.
Hang in there and know you are not alone.
Anne
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Angie Mc
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I think back to my mom and her expectations. She never felt pressured to provide friends or "socialization" for her children. Young children stayed home - no play dates, no classes, no lessons. When school came around, it was about learning academics and maybe going to a birthday party or two. I didn't start going with friends until I was 8 or 9. Knowing this has helped me to keep pressure off of myself.
Oh....and we have prayed for God to bring us friends (we have moved a lot.) They have come in God's perfect timing. (Be careful what you ask for...my ds prayed for friends when he was younger and within months we were flooded with little boys!  )
Praying you find some friends and community connections, Sally. You are a great mom to work hard to provide your children with a lovely life!
Love,
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sunny
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| Posted: June 28 2008 at 8:59pm | IP Logged
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i cant tell you all how much I appreciate your responses. To know that I am not keeping my dc in some bizarre lifestyle. It is a difficult time and I think that what really set me off was at the park the other day when my ds wanted to play with 2 other boys who were friends. They didnt want to play with him at first. I explained that they already knew each other well so sometimes it is hard to be the new person...blah blah blah... Then they did all play together for awhile. When we left, he said he couldnt wait to play with them again next time because he wouldnt be the new one! Well, I will continue to pray for a sense of communtiy and dream of opening the door to see a handful of children playing together, but in the meantime with your support and prayers I will joyfully cherish each moment with them! thank you all!
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EmilyC
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This is something I often think about. I don't drive, and so we are pretty much home all the time. Dd has a Jazzercise class she attends, and once in a while she'll get together with on of her good friends, but that's about it. The twins played t-ball this year, and made friends with a little boy who lives about a mile from us, so that was nice.
But otherwise, that's it. The twins don't mind at all. They have each other, and while they get excited to see their friend, it's not something they seem to need.
Dd on the other hand, is just desperate for social interaction. She loves being around other kids. She is constantly asking if she could just go to school so she can be with all the other kids. 
Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be many kids their age in the neighborhood, and the ones that are seem to ignore my children. My dd tried so hard to make friends with the little girl across the street, but she just kept blowing her off. 
So, I'm joining the homeschool group this year (we tried a few years ago, but toddler twins were too much of a handful to participate much), and I'm praying that we can all make some new friends.
I don't think it's a bizarre lifestyle. I don't think I'm messing up my children by them not having tons of friends. I figure, I went to school, and I did have tons of friends, but I also got into tons of trouble. Lots of friends isn't necessarily a good thing. If I could just get dd to understand that!!
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doris
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It does take time to settle in to a new place. We moved exactly two years ago and it's only in the last couple of months that I've felt really settled.
I prayed really hard for friends for all of us and God has answered us with some lovely, lovely friends -- He does provide!
I must say, though, that my 6yo boy doesn't have friends as such. He tags along with the families we're friends with, but doesn't have a close buddy. He doesn't seem bothered. My 7yo dd, however, is desperate for company, and does have a 'best friend' (and a '2nd best friend' ).
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sunny
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| Posted: July 22 2008 at 2:28pm | IP Logged
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Well it has been almost a month since I received enormous support from you all over my "social dilemma" but now I am back to feeling worried. I spend all my time with my dc and for the most part I love it, but lately I feel tired most of the time and a bit lonely. There is a brand new public school opening in our area. There is much excitement in the area about it. Supposedly it is to be a very good one. hmmm...? I have had the idea that I might homeschool and if not I would send them to Catholic school. Well, last night dh says, "Why don’t we enroll ds in preschool at the new school? He will have fun and play and meet other children." Made me sad because even though it isn’t what I thought I wanted, I would hate to see ds miss any opportunities.
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Angie Mc
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Sunny, have you and your dh written down your goals (educational, relationship, faith, virtue, household, etc.) for your children and your family? We have found that by writing down our goals we are better able to prayerfully discern where God is calling us. On your list you can brainstorm what opportunities you don't want your children to miss, how you will fulfill them, which opportunities aren't as important to you, and which opportunities will cost you more than you are willing to pay. Because there are so many opportunities, it helps to choose the very best ones that fit your family's goals.
Hope this helps...and praying that you find just the right fits for your family.
Love,
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Angie Mc
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sunny
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Angie, I think I wrote that last post hastily as I was feeling down, but you are absolutley right about defining goals. We have defined our goals somewhat in the past. Admittedly dh and I do differ a bit but overall dh is very supportive. Our goals could stand to be revisited so that through this difficult time I can keep them upfront! thx!
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Leslie
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I just wanted to share that I was struggling with some of these same issues a couple of years ago when kids where 4, 2 and newborn. I had always felt pulled toward homeschooling. I had reservations, but I was praying my way through them. Then we moved to an area where there was a very "pretty" new school. I started to doubt our decision, thinking I saw an easy way for ds to make friends (and, really an "easier" time for me at home with the little ones--or so I thought).
All I can say is "all that glitters is not gold"  . Halfway through Kindergarten I came back to our original decision (after pulling my hair out wondering for a few months what on earth I had done), pulled him out of school and haven't looked back. The truth was, my reasons for homeschooling him were much deeper than my reasons for putting him in school (basically to make friends and have a pretty classroom).
I think if you are really doing what you have been called to do there is a peace that comes with it. Everything isn't perfect (I wish he had more friends too!), but I feel so much calmer and happy now that we're doing what I feel we were meant to do!
I'll be praying that your way becomes very clear to you!
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Alice R
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I think we all struggle with this when our children are just at the age for Pre-K and K. You doubt yourself, like, "are we making the right decision?"
I would pray about it and really think about why you want to homeschool.
You can also contact homeschool support groups in your area. If you are going to homeschool, it's good to be with like-minded families who will support your decision.
I am Protestant and belong to some Protestant groups and some mixed Protestant/Catholic groups. While it is good to be with people of your own faith, it is also OK to just be with people of good moral character and who are just nice people who you enjoy.
I do remember doubting myself when my oldest was five. It was a hard thing to do...miss the K registration date. Now, I don't even think about it.
Totally my opinion, for what it's worth, once you put the kids in Pre-K, it gets harder to pull them out and homeschool them. They have experienced school and then to homeschool you kinda have to "de-school" them.
Are there any library classes or mommy & me groups? Church groups? That is what is nice about joining a Homeschool group, you find out all about stuff in your area.
Best wishes on your journey. 
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: July 26 2008 at 6:41pm | IP Logged
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sunny wrote:
| Angie, I think I wrote that last post hastily as I was feeling down, but you are absolutley right about defining goals. We have defined our goals somewhat in the past. Admittedly dh and I do differ a bit but overall dh is very supportive. Our goals could stand to be revisited so that through this difficult time I can keep them upfront! thx! |
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The reason I asked if you wrote down your goals was because our family will find itself in a pickle and chase our tails for a bit, THEN remember to write our goals down. THEN I say, "Why didn't we remember to write these down first?" The step is a time and energy saver - when we remember to do it  .
Let us know this all turns out for your family, sunny!
Love,
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KerryK
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Sunny,
I just wanted to put my two cents in as someone who had her kids in school and pulled them out. I had never really thought I would homeschool, because I was a teacher. A teacher at the Catholic school my children were attending, in fact. All I can say, is that the grass is always greener, and no friends really IS better than certain other kinds of friends. We had a really rough social situation at the Catholic school, along with some unsupportive teachers, many of whom were not Catholic or even, in one case, anti-Catholic. My kids are so much better off at home, although we struggle for friends as well. We live in a very rural area - with NO homeschool groups of any kind. My kids are not into group sports, either. But they are doing fine, and we make connections when we can. We are satisfied knowing that the family is the primary social influence right now, and the important values are being transmitted.
Good luck! I know how isolating it can be, especially with little ones.
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4Real Forums : Philosophy of Education
Topic: discernment and need advice re friends
