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Elizabeth
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| Posted: May 29 2005 at 11:31am | IP Logged
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I was thinking today that I have very little time left with all my children together under one roof  . That train of thought led me to think about what our household would be like without my eldest ds . Then I starting thinking about how much I depend on him and what a void his leaving will create . So...after I wiped my eyes and cleared my throat, I thought about God's plan for him. He is nearly four years older than the next child and so has sort been set apart from the rest of the gang. He's pretty good natured and very dependable--all in all, an easy child, though not perfect  . He's great with babies, more competent at homemaking than his father (really, than most men I know), and a pretty good cook. Will he be the father of a large family? Or will he be tired of baby and kid noise by the time he leaves here? Do we expect too much of our eldest children, unconsciously giving them too much responsibility? What will his relationship be with the littlest siblings? I'd love to hear from some of you who grew up in big families.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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momwise
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| Posted: May 29 2005 at 11:55am | IP Logged
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Elizabeth,
I was lost when my oldest ds left the house. He was 4 1/2 yrs. older than the next child as well. I have not had another child yet who would clean like he did. And those few times that I got called away to the emergency room or sick relative, he jumped right in and took over and the house ran so smoothly you wouldn't know I'd gone.
I really don't think I gave him too much responsibility. He really thrived on taking over and it seems to be a part of his personality. He is a 911 dispatcher right now and will eventually be a policeman, and he loves to rescue people. A long time ago I read the Birth Order book and I think a lot of God's chosen virtues and qualities for each child come somewhat through that order.
He will still come over to visit and take the younger children aside to talk about sharing, etc. It's just going to be a character trait. On the other hand, I've seen these traits fall to other children in the birth order in other families. If a girl comes in after a few boys she will commonly have the traits of an oldest child.
Happy Corpus Christi!
Gwen in Denver
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Elizabeth
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| Posted: May 29 2005 at 1:14pm | IP Logged
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Dear GWen,
Your first paragraph describes my eldest well. And I've noticed the same in my delst girl who was born after three boys.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Cindy Mac
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Elizabeth -
You and I have briefly chatted about this topic. I am the eldest of 5 and there is a 16 year age gap between myself and the youngest in my family. I think that the relationships that are formed between siblings originally stem from how the parents teach their children how to respond to each other. I know that my parents showed us how to love each other, and that was the most important, and earliest lesson they taught each of us. That really went a long way with me and my other siblings when it comes to maintaining a relationship with the youngest among us. We all make the extra effort to stay close because that's what we were taught.
I see that same quality in your family and in your eldest and his attitude towards his siblings. I know that he will maintain the close ties that he has with them now despite the age gap, because that is what you taught him.
I know that all of my siblings still look to me to "lead" when it comes to any event that happens - from organizing what to get our parents for their anniversary to how we are going to cook dinner when we are all together. I think part of it is that parents do have hig expectations for the eldest, which then translates into an interior voice telling the child/adult to be responsible. I don't think it's a bad thing at all - I feel pretty blessed having been the eldest. Although sometimes I do with that my brother or sister would take the lead on organizing somethings!
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mrsgranola
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| Posted: May 29 2005 at 9:27pm | IP Logged
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Cindy Mac wrote:
| I think that the relationships that are formed between siblings originally stem from how the parents teach their children how to respond to each other. I know that my parents showed us how to love each other, and that was the most important, and earliest lesson they taught each of us. ] |
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I'm taking some time to ponder what Cindy said here. How do I go about getting my oldest to be kind and loving to his younger sisters when he tends to constantly dread being around his 5 yo sister but he generally is "friends" with his 9 yo sister. Do I make this "Be Kind to Mary" week? :  She's a handful but really doesn't mean to be a pest. I think I"m going to do my best to make this week one to work on character issues. Grace who is the 9 yo tends to act more like the oldest around here. I think b/c she's a girl and more nurturing by nature that she is more responsible about helping me with the younger kids, housework, etc.
I'm the youngest of 5, fwiw...
JoAnna
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Bridget
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Elizabeth, I think you know my story... I'm the oldest of ten. Four of the adopteds have multiple impairments and my grandmother, who was disabled by a stroke, lived with us. By high school I could run our household. That included all kinds of medical care as well as household duties. I really never resented it at all. I couldn't wait to have children.
Several of my friends are grandmothers now. Their 'oldest of many' children are marrying, having babies, or are anxious to, and plan on homeschooling.
The biggest drawback, at least for girls, is that the oldest tends to be a little bossy and loves to give advice.
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saintanneshs
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Yes, yes...I totally agree with Bridget!
As the oldest of 5, I am still working on shutting up and listening. For some odd reason (I can't imagine why), it just comes more naturally to me to give help rather than receive, which explains a lot about the issues I deal with and why I like this board so much...you can listen more and talk less!
I have found, when talking with other eldest children (those from large families) that most feel special to be the "second in command" behind the parental unit of mom and dad and usually want the same large family dynamics for their own children. My dh (the oldest of four) and I fall into this category too. My youngest sister and I are 9 years apart, so I got lots of practice at mothering. I never minded pitching in and helping out whether it be babysitting or cooking or cleaning. I love all of my siblings and we each have different relationships. My brother and I fought like cats and dogs growing up (he's 18 months younger than me)and now he's one of my best friends. My parents used to say that one of us would live in California and the other in New York! He's in Afghanistan now and I miss him terribly...thank goodness for email! My baby sister was 6 when my dh first started coming over to our house and my then 8 yr old sister told me (after he had been over a few times) that if I didn't marry him, she would...we still tease her about this! And I just named our first baby girl after my sister who is closest to me in age and now lives in GA (her dh is stationed there).
I think the hardest thing about being the oldest is being the first to go. It wasn't hard to leave Mom and Dad to go off to college (I was ready for a little more freedom) but it nearly broke my heart to leave my sisters. I still have boxes and boxes of their letters. That's the nice thing about going away...you treasure the time you get when you come back home. And now the shoe is on the other foot. I'm back where we grew up while they are off seeing the world and now I'm waiting for them.
I guess the only other thing that bugged me about being the oldest was when (on the rare occasion) I felt like the extra things I did no longer were special and appreciated but expected. For example, when I got my driver's license I was added to the chauffeur list (even though for awhile I was rarely allowed to use the car for myself) and I didn't mind driving my siblings around but I did mind when Mom and Dad forgot to ASK me to do it and ordered me to instead. I would have said yes, but being ordered to do things doesn't even give you a chance to show your parents how generous you can be. I didn't mind doing anything and I think my mom would even say I did most stuff cheerfully, but I didn't want to be fussed at if I didn't anticipate or think of what needed to be done before being asked (mind reading...exactly what I'm now trying not to do with my dh!) After all, I wasn't a parent and while I didn't mind helping with the responsibility of taking care of the kids, they weren't my responsibility or my kids. I was just a kid too. But like I said, this was rare and when I talked about it, my parents always made it right. And they always made Sunday dinners a family priority...we still meet for family dinners on Sundays (though my dh and my kids and I now take up most of the seats)!
I know with my eldest (who is already more help at age 5 than I remember being to my mom) I plan to ask him often about whether or not I'm saying everything he needs to hear and giving him enough attention. I hope he will tell me! Now...if I can just learn to identify with my little boy who's in the middle...
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Cindy Mac
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JoAnna -
I certainly didn't mean to imply that everything between my siblings and I was always peachy-keen, or that my parents did something magical and then we always loved each other. There were definitely times when I was annoyed because my younger brother and/or sister wanted to follow me around all the time; or that they always wanted to sleep in my room with me. I think it's more the overall attitude that my parents had, and that they continued to foster the love and relationships between us, that really ended up making the difference in the end. One thing I always remember them saying when one of us was annoyed with another one, was that family is forever. How true that was! 
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Willa
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| Posted: May 31 2005 at 11:49am | IP Logged
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saintanneshs wrote:
I guess the only other thing that bugged me about being the oldest was when (on the rare occasion) I felt like the extra things I did no longer were special and appreciated but expected. |
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Whenever someone tells me that they come from a large family (usually when they find out I have 7 kids) I ask them about their own experience. That above is the only negative thing I've ever heard (besides that X sibling drove Y sibling crazy, but that happens in small families too!). All the rest is generally positive, but when a given person is a bit turned off on large families it's usually because that child was the second mom or unpaid servant and resented being taken for granted.
It's not so much having to work harder or having more responsibility, as the parents ATTITUDE towards the work done. Thanks for the reminder on that, by the way!
I know my household is going to really change when oldest ds leaves the house. I think it will be good for my second to get to be Oldest for a couple of years before he leaves -- he sometimes feels a bit superfluous, I know, and my youngest "worker" age 9 doesn't work nearly as hard as his siblings did at his age, because there are so many competent olders.
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Willa
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: the eldest child
