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Cathmomof8
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| Posted: Feb 09 2007 at 7:36pm | IP Logged
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I'm wondering how others deal with building a sense of trust with their teens. I find that I tend to expect the worst and not the best out of my boys and my dh is just the opposite. We'd both be better off a bit more in the middle. 
Our 16yo has been driving a couple of months. As far as we know he has been where he has said he is going but I often have these nagging suspicions. He has been sneaky at times with things like the computer, and these days he is usually pretty negative with me - it is hard to have a conversation without him feeling like I'm interrogating him or being negative or something. It is hard for me to explain but I know on several occassions I've asked him why he assumes the worst motives of me. Also, there has been a hs girl, a couple years older than him, who lives in the next town that is very forward and I've had to tell her to stop emailing my boys things that I feel are inappropriate. Seems they talk alot on the phone and I don't really trust her either I think. Anyway, I'm digressing. Just trying to say that he and I are not at a highpoint in our relationship. He does respect his dad a lot. Both he and dh are very quiet by nature. They drove back and forth to work all summer together and rarely spoke. (Hard for me to imagine)
Anywaaaaaaaaay, where was I going with all of this?? Baby is fussing. gotta run and can't think straight.
Thoughts on trust? Positive thinking? building confidence with our teens?
Theresia - Mom of 8, 3 teen boys, 1 preteen boy and lotsa youngers
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Leonie
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| Posted: Feb 10 2007 at 8:48pm | IP Logged
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I find sometimes that jst trying to spend time in fun together helps - it builds an extra connection and in the end that helps with trust.....
Things like staying up late for a movie together, or listening to a son's choice of music....
I also often trust a mother's intuition and will be straight out honest with my kids - they may not like what I say but they know I'll always be honest with them! So, if I think an issue is not what it should be, I will say so.  I will say its an assumption or intuition on my part and I could be wrong but want to hear their POV.
Some sons talk, some don't. But I do try to at least clear the air - and to make sure we have our fun time, too...
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Leonie in Sydney
Living Without School
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lapazfarm
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| Posted: Feb 10 2007 at 9:30pm | IP Logged
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I agree with Leonie 100%. Build relationships through shared good times, be up front with them, and expect the same in return.
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
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Willa
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| Posted: Feb 11 2007 at 3:20am | IP Logged
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I sometimes think of Our Blessed Mother searching for her Son when they were returning from the temple and they couldn't find Him.
I think it is a bit part of our motherhood that we will "seek our sons sorrowing" and feel a bit sad and almost reproachful that they are stepping into a wider world. I am trying to say this is normal even in a perfect family so that feeling some of this doesn't mean there is anything actually wrong.
I think you are looking for practical help. Some of the ideas in the
Do you tuck in your teens? thread was wonderful, for help on connecting and building relationships.
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AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Feb 12 2007 at 10:04am | IP Logged
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Leonie wrote:
I also often trust a mother's intuition and will be straight out honest with my kids - they may not like what I say but they know I'll always be honest with them! So, if I think an issue is not what it should be, I will say so. I will say its an assumption or intuition on my part and I could be wrong but want to hear their POV.
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I have always done this with my littles and am glad that I have developed this habit...it is so important with my teen. We have witnessed another family dealing with their teen and there has been secrecy on the part of the mother. My daughter said, "You wouldn't spy on me like that!" We went on to talk about how (with very few exceptions) a very upfront approach works best. If I "catch her" in a problem, I confront her with the evidence. If I have an intuition, I bring it to her and ask for feedback. Sometimes, my intuition is on track...sometimes it reflects my own past hurts  .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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stefoodie
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Angie Mc wrote:
| If I have an intuition, I bring it to her and ask for feedback. Sometimes, my intuition is on track...sometimes it reflects my own past hurts |
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Oi, how true.
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stef
mom to five
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stacykay
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I *third* Leonie's ideas.
Let your son know how you feel. Any concerns you have and why you have them. I tend to talk a lot. Sometimes too much, but at least they never have to guess what I am thinking!
When my boys were around 5 or 6, I started a once-a-month out to lunch with them, individually. They really have enjoyed it.
My oldest has always been easy to talk to and open about his concerns, etc. The next one, 16yods, will talk at night, after he is in bed, or while we are sitting up watching a later movie or tv show. But he still likes his lunches out!
We also have had very strict rules on driving. When 18yods got his license, he was not allowed to have anyone (except us) in the car with him, for 4 or 5 months. I read articles and saw shows about the risk for accidents increasing with additional passengers. There also had to be a destination (no cruising.)
They also have to have a cell phone with them when they are out. When they are driving, they must call if there is any change of venue. And there must be parents home, wherever they go.
I also pray a lot!
The teens are such fun! Some days can be great and some are stinky. We have made it through with one, five to go. 
God Bless,
Stacy in MI
6dss 18, 16, 11, 8, 5, and 2
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Trusting your teens
