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ShawnaB
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I am wondering if some moms here might share the joys and benefits particular to homeschooling adopted children? I am especially interested in hearing from those who have adopted children who were not infants. A dear friend of mine will be going to Liberia in about a month, along with her dh and ds7, to bring home their 3 children ages 8, 6 and 5. They have homeschooled their ds from the start and plan to do the same for all of their children. There are those who believe the best way for older adopted children to become comfortable with our culture and language is to attend public school. (Liberian children do speak English however). Any words of wisdom or encouragement I may share with her?
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Shawna, wife of Jacob, mom to Abraham 8 Amelia 5 and Jillian & Jonathan age 3 years http://www.psalm121family.com
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Carole N.
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We adopted our ds when he was almost five years old. He had been removed from a neglectful/abusive parential situation for the first 3 1/2 years of his life, and in foster care for the next 1 1/2 years. At the time, we knew that he was delayed emotionally and developmentally.
Since we were hsing our other dc, we decided to do the same for him. In his first year, he played in sandboxes (something he had never done before) and was just a regular "kid." We sent him to preschool two mornings a week (because he had a difficult time getting along with other children). His teacher told me he was ADHD.
We took him to be tested, but most children at five years of age cannot be diagonized as attention deficit. We kept working with him at home but what had been called ADHD by the preschool was really Radical Attachment Disorder (RAD). He had a great deal of anger especially toward his biological mother. Unfortunately, we did not know this until he had been with us for quite some time.
When he should have been in the third grade, we made the decision to place him in public school. I felt that I was betraying my child, but it was very difficult to hs the other children because of his angry and hostile behavior. I worked closely with the school (and still do).
I landed in a very fortunate situation because the principal at the school is a big believer in literacy. My ds went from an almost non-reader to a 7th/8th grade reading level in four years. They read for a better part of the day, do narrations, writing, math, and now social studies.
He is still somewhat developmentally delayed. It is a long process to heal a RAD child. I have the utmost confidence in his elementary school (he was held back one year when he entered ps). I do however worry about him going to middle school. I have read so much about how they are failing all over the country, and I do not believe that the school here is any better.
My advice to your friend is to keep the children home for a bit and see what kind of learners they are. They need to feel like a part of the family first. Then if she discovers that there are complicating circumstances, she should investigate other possibilities.
Although ending my ds to ps was tough, it was a good decision. But each child is so different, and you have to know the child before you can take any action. I will pray for your friend and for her new family. 
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Carole ... in Wales
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lapazfarm
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I totally get why a child with RAD would be a very differet situation, but for us, homeschooling dd has been the best thing.
The main reason is that it gives us so much time together. Time to allow for the bonding and attachment that takes place within the family. This is so much more important to an adopted child's life than enculturation, IMHO.
It has been over 2 years since we brought dd home and I have seen some amazing changes in this child, some very recently, that honestly I do not think would have happened if she were at school.
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Theresa
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Bridget
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There will be four children all around the same age in the home. Plenty of opportunity for group learning and bonding. Also for all those social skills important in a family; polite behavior, kindness etc. Sounds like it could be a wonderful hs'ing situation!
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Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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Helen
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I personally think it is very important in the educational life of a child that he understands "relationship." I think really the basis of all learning is relationship. I think it is prudent to go slowly in introducing many new environments when children first are adopted into a new family.
(I think in adoption circles, homeschooling is actually recommended for at least the first six months. At least, I read that a few years ago in ADoptive Families Magazine.)
Some of my reflections,
The moral life: The first sin resulted in the first broken relationship.
Charlotte Mason encourages one to pursue the interests of the child, build upon the relationships that each child develops with a certain interest or field of study.
Where does one begin in training children in virtue and in education? It begins in the development of a relationship between the parent and the child. Most particularly in the Mother/Child relationship.
You can teach children “tricks” if they don’t have a good relationship, they might be able to function in society. But the internal happiness, the fulfillment that is possible in this life despite sufferings in this valley of tears is based by a solid mother/child relationship.
The public schools just can’t offer this fundamental training that is only learned within the family. The public schools can offer very good occupational and physical therapy. They have the time and resources to coach a reluctant or delayed student. But this will amount only to tricks if the interior emotional component is lacking.
A doctor once told me,
“If you have the endurance, keep them home.”
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Ave Maria!
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Mary Vitamin & Castle of the Immaculate
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Helen
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I hope I didn't sound rude when I said "tricks".
I was just trying to distinguish learning that has roots and learning that is more parrot-like.
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Ave Maria!
Mom to 5 girls and 3 boys
Mary Vitamin & Castle of the Immaculate
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Essy
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One question that I have that is related to this is...do you let the social workers or who ever is handling your adoption, know of your intent to homeschool? If so, have you received a positive reaction? Both of my children were infants when they were placed with us and at that time I really had no clue that I would be homeschooling. But I'm just wondering in case there was to be another adoption in our future  ...and yes, I do post in the over 40 board, so this really isn't very likely...but hey...
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Mom to Sarah(May 2002)and Christian (August 2003)
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Helen
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Essy wrote:
| One question that I have that is related to this is...do you let the social workers or who ever is handling your adoption, know of your intent to homeschool? |
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Yes, I've always let my social workers know that we intend to homeschool. I haven't had difficulties with this.
In adoption your social worker is your advocate. The social worker is the one who writes and presents your home study. The social worker is the one who will write papers on your behalf if you should need any down the road. It is very important that you feel a level of trust with your social worker. If your social worker is not in favor of homeschooling, it is probably in your best interest to find one that is.
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Ave Maria!
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Mary Vitamin & Castle of the Immaculate
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Wendi DeGrandpr
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This is a wonderful topic as I have been wrangling with the subject of sending our dd to school. My concerns are all those mentioned. I am concerned about her feeling singled out and sent somewhere everyday while everyone else is home. I am concerned about what that will do to her ability to feel secure, wanted and loved. I am concerned about the relationship, but from a "school" persepective I am concerned that she will be 7 next month and doesn't know her letters, forget whether or not she is reading! I spend most of my day dealing with discipline issues with her - forget teaching her anything academic. Not to mention that this makes it very difficult to teach anyone else in the house.
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Wendi
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"We can do no great things - only small things with great love." Blessed Mother Teresa
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Helen
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Wendi DeGrandpr wrote:
I am concerned about the relationship, but from a "school" persepective I am concerned that she will be 7 next month and doesn't know her letters, forget whether or not she is reading! I spend most of my day dealing with discipline issues with her - forget teaching her anything academic. Not to mention that this makes it very difficult to teach anyone else in the house.
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I try not to always look at the adopted child's numerical age. I personally calculate the age in different ways. How many years in an orphanage/foster care? How many years with me?
If the answer is two, three, or four ... then I often regard this child as a two, three, or four year old even if the age is seven, eight or nine.
If you wouldn't be concerned about a child at the age of 4 not knowing her letters, I don't think you need to be concerned with an older adopted child's. They have so, so, so very much to learn about basic every day learning and socializing. These lessons are extremely important. Once they are learned the child will progress rapidly with academics.
As for the other children, they are receiving a priceless education in virtue. When a child starts interrupting lessons, often we lift our imaginary weights and say
VIRTUE EXERCISE.
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Ave Maria!
Mom to 5 girls and 3 boys
Mary Vitamin & Castle of the Immaculate
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Wendi DeGrandpr
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[/QUOTE]
I try not to always look at the adopted child's numerical age. I personally calculate the age in different ways. How many years in an orphanage/foster care? How many years with me?
If the answer is two, three, or four ... then I often regard this child as a two, three, or four year old even if the age is seven, eight or nine.
[/QUOTE]
Yes, I totally agree with this and I see it in playtime with friends. She migrates to the four and five year olds and gets along very well. The children her age tend to become very frustrated with her as she doesn't understand "rules to games", there are some understanding language issues, and she simply does not / cannot play at their level. These are all very expected and "normal" things as far as I am concerned. When they came home I said I was taking the first year just to let them "be" and to learn about living in a family, learn about our life etc but honestly I have been worried lately about the "outside" qustions about the fact that she isn't at her level. Aren't I concerned that she doesn't know her letters and numbers and can't write her name.
I like what you had to say, Helen, about virtue exercise - I haven't been looking at it that way and I am just seeing the frustration in the other children. That frustration through the eyes of a very burned out mother has been difficult. Honestly I have been considering sending everyone to school  - and we don't live in a "good" school district as far as academics or anything else is concerned. 
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God Bless,
Wendi
Mom to four blessings
"We can do no great things - only small things with great love." Blessed Mother Teresa
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lapazfarm
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Wendi DeGrandpr wrote:
I spend most of my day dealing with discipline issues with her - forget teaching her anything academic.
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To me, this is most telling, and indicates that learning appropriate behavior is her major work right now. Academics can wait. Besides, they won't be able to teach her academics at school either if her behaviors are not under control.
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
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Waverley
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I don't have any advice for you Wendi. But I hear your heart breaking and the frustration in your posts and wanted to let you know you are in my prayers. I know what you are going through and understand how difficult it can be when one child disrupts the family so much. I too waiver between frustration at the child and sadness that the child is so hurt she is acting out.
When I get the answer for me and my family, I'll let you know!!  I'm still looking.
Waverley
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Taffy
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I'll be praying for you, Wendi, this must be hard. For what it's worth, I second what Theresa says...
Theresa wrote:
Besides, they won't be able to teach her academics at school either if her behaviors are not under control.
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My sister has a 14 year old boy with severe autism and other issues. The school only allows him to attend 2-3 hours 3 days a week due to his severe behaviour issues. For her, sadly, homeschooling is not an option (although I do think that's what my nephew needs - sadly, I'm too far away to help with that though).
I'm sure it's very trying but Theresa is right. Proper behaviour is her learning right now.
Praying...
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Susan
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Helen
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Wendi DeGrandpr wrote:
Honestly I have been considering sending everyone to school - and we don't live in a "good" school district as far as academics or anything else is concerned. |
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Dear Wendi,
I've been praying for you. I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time.
Many homeschoolers feel the same way you do by February even if they don't have extraordinary discipline challenges.
I'm now realizing another benefit to this forum. Not that I've spoken much of this feeling, but I feel very different from other homeschoolers. My primary focus is on building family relationships. Many adopted children arrive in emotional wheelchairs. People outside the family don't always see the wheelchair and sometimes even I can forget that there is a "wheelchair." (Although behavior problems arise pretty quickly to remind me  )
Homeschooling the adopted child can be very different from the usual homeschool experience. Perhaps we don't have to feel that we're going through something different now that we can talk about this here.
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Ave Maria!
Mom to 5 girls and 3 boys
Mary Vitamin & Castle of the Immaculate
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mavmama
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Helen said
"I'm now realizing another benefit to this forum. Not that I've spoken much of this feeling, but I feel very different from other homeschoolers. My primary focus is on building family relationships."
Thank you SO SO much for saying that. I feel this way most of the time. Because ds is not attached, we cannot "do school" with him--it provides too many opportunities for him to fight me  , so his work for now is learning to be "respectful, responsible, and fun to be around." Trying to explain that to one who knows nothing about RAD is a lesson in futility, hence the different feeling.
Tonight, after our day at therapy, I tried to decide if I should count this day as a "school day." In the end, I did, because what is more important than learning how to love and be loved? Certainly not your typical lesson plan, but it is ours for this season of our lives.....
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Liz
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dd11, dd911, ds9, ds8
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Helen
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mavmama wrote:
Tonight, after our day at therapy, I tried to decide if I should count this day as a "school day." In the end, I did, because what is more important than learning how to love and be loved? Certainly not your typical lesson plan, but it is ours for this season of our lives.....
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Amen!
Thanks Liz
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Ave Maria!
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Mary Vitamin & Castle of the Immaculate
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lapazfarm
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Absolutely. It's all about the relationship for these kids. Until they have that solidly in place, nothing else really matters. It is hard when others cannot see or appreciate the hard work we do just getting our children to be "normal," when they only see how far behind they are, rather than how far they've come. Folks on the outside do not know about all the time we spend in therapy or working on behavioral issues at home.
But here, at least, we understand each other. No one here will judge you or think less of you for spending the day on "Sitting at a table" rather than doing seatwork. That is what homeschooling is for-meeting the needs of each child, where ever and whatever they are.
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Homeschooling and Adoption
