| Author | |
teachingmyown
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 20 2005
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5128
|
| Posted: Feb 04 2007 at 3:12pm | IP Logged
|
 |
|
Last week, after much agony, I put Charlie back into public school. We had only just decided that it was not an option for him and it wasn't open for discussion. The new semester started on Tuesday. On Monday, Charlie spent the day in my face telling me how he would not homeschool, he would not give me a moment's peace, I was ruining his life, he would be better of dead, etc. This went on for hours. Then I gave up. He started school Tuesday.
My dh is furious. I am hurt and angry. Charlie is thrilled with his victory and now trying to convince me that it is the best thing for him. He will not talk to dh, and is very hostile toward him.
Dh is intent on staying angry, to make Charlie suffer for his horrible behavior. I can't blame him. But I can't live with the hostility. Charlie wants to act as if everything is fine with me. In fact, I believe that to him it is all fine now that he has gotten his way. Of course, now he will start pushing to regain privileges, so my stress won't end here anyway.
So, how do you live and function on a daily basis with a teenager in the home who refuses to accept the rules or respect the values you are trying to instill in the others? We can't just walk around snarling, but we can't ignore the problems either. This is a child who will tell me he hates me in one breath, and want to chat about movies in the next.
I hate conflict. I would give just about anything for peace. I am still his mom. I want to know what happens in school or help him when he is hurt. This is a sad, confusing time and I just don't know how to deal with it. 
__________________
In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
hylabrook1
Forum Moderator
Joined: July 09 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5980
|
| Posted: Feb 04 2007 at 4:01pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Molly -
I do not have any answers, but you and your family certainly have my empathy and prayers. My oldest dd was a very difficult teenager, so I know the sort of pain and confusion you are going through.
Peace,
Nancy
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Courtney
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: Texas
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 796
|
| Posted: Feb 04 2007 at 4:02pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Molly, I have no answers. Be assured though, that my prayers are with you, your dh and Charlie.
__________________
Courtney in Texas
Wife to Mike since 3/94 
Mom to Candace 10/97 ,Christopher 4/00 and Connor 11/11
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Paula in MN
Forum All-Star
Joined: Nov 25 2006
Location: Minnesota
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 4064
|
| Posted: Feb 04 2007 at 4:11pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Molly, I'm praying for you. I really think all of you need to get into some type of counseling, especially for all the anger issues.
__________________
Paula
A Catholic Harvest
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Theresa
Forum All-Star
Joined: Dec 27 2006
Location: Minnesota
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1042
|
| Posted: Feb 04 2007 at 4:36pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Was Charlie in school before? Unfortunately you are probably right in that he will now start pushing until he gets his way. Ultimately your dh and you are his parents, you have the God given authority to parent and protect him and have the final say so in his life.
I know that you don't like the conflict (do any of us?) but you are responsible for him as his parents and accountable to God for his life under your care so as hard as it is your dh and you will need to lay down some rules. You and your dh need to take this to prayer and be in agreement on the conditions and rules.
I am praying. Nothing is impossible with God and the Holy Spirit can soften your sons heart to honor, respect and bless his parents again. The Lord can take your husbands anger and your hurt and exchange it peace and joy again. Commit yourself daily to praying for this.
__________________
Theresa
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
humanaevitae
Forum Pro
Joined: May 31 2005
Location: Minnesota
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 411
|
| Posted: Feb 04 2007 at 6:01pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Molly, why is your Dh furious?
It sounds like a difficult situation.
__________________
Nicole-Zane 10, Elizabeth 7, Xavier 4, and John Patrick 2
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Erin
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 23 2005
Location: Australia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5814
|
| Posted: Feb 04 2007 at 6:16pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Molly
 I have wondered how the situation with Charlie was going. I can begin to imagine how that Monday was, how horrendous, so he pushed you to your breaking point.
Aside from dh being furious and you being heartbroken, how are the other children coping. Is it easier for them with Charlie not there through the day conflicting?
No answers here I'm afraid but you do have my prayers.
__________________
Erin
Faith Filled Days
Seven Little Australians
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
esperanza
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 17 2005
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 855
|
| Posted: Feb 04 2007 at 6:27pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Molly,
I love you like a sister, Molly.
When I went through my struggles with a suicidal, self injurying teen and then with two teens pregnant at the same time...my dh was emotionally checked out. I mean to the point of telling him I think i need to take dd to the hospital right now...and he would go back to sleep..if I tried to engage him in a discussion then I'd get his anger.
Once I chalked it all up to God's will for me in my life...and focused on "what was my next move"...what does God want from me? I could focus on that and not everyone else's actions. Don't get me wrong...I have an awesome dh and I don't doubt his love for his family but that was the way things played out. Okay, I did feel like I was being pecked to death by big birds and was having anxiety attacks...but I did receive help from
~Counseling...supported me in my decision making with dd
~Holy water..I'd sprinkle it in dd's room and throughout the house.
~Wearing the Miraculous Medal
~Posting small prayers throughout the house
~dropping to my knees and begging
~Talking to caring friends
~Normally I'd say frequent the sacraments...I couldn't at the time...so make "spiritual communions"
~Pray over them when their sleeping
~Call upon all the saints and Guardian Angels that are ready and waiting...
~Know you are not alone!...sing "BE Not Afraid"
~Try to live in the present moment...counseling will help here
~Keep asking for prayers
I will watch your dc for you, make phone calls ( a friend did this for me once when I was searching for a counselor...because I would break down crying and could talk.)..come to my house and take a break...think about what I can do for you and just ask...I just might be able to help with something...
Sorry for my rambling... I just ache for you right now and hope you can get the help you need to nurture your family and mostly feel the peace that only Christ can give.
I have an incredible book entitled "Nervousness, Temperament and the Soul" that you can borrow if you are up to it.
okay I'll stop now so I can just try to call you
This too shall pass
__________________
In His Peace,
Tammy Gonzalez in VA
dh-Johnny
mom to Tara-'85, Noelle-'88, Jeremy-'91, Elizabeth-'93, Emma-'96, Dominic-'99, Gabriel-'01, Elijah-03
and Jacinta-06
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Theresa
Forum All-Star
Joined: Dec 27 2006
Location: Minnesota
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1042
|
| Posted: Feb 04 2007 at 6:37pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Tammy what a good list of things to do!!
__________________
Theresa
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Ruth
Forum All-Star
Joined: Nov 04 2006
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5007
|
| Posted: Feb 04 2007 at 7:06pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Molly, I will keep you and your family in my prayers. You are so blessed to have Tammy in your life. Please know that if you need anything, I'm not too far. I wish I knew what to do. I second Tammy's ideas. I can watch the kids for you, or anything else you might need. I'll offer up tomorrow morning's Mass for your intentions. I'll be in touch.
Lots of love,
__________________
Ruth
mom to 7 miracles
My family blog
Loreto Rosaries
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Rebecca
Forum All-Star
Joined: Dec 30 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1898
|
| Posted: Feb 04 2007 at 8:40pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Praying for you, dear Molly, for Charlie and for your whole family.
Love,
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Lavenderfields
Forum Pro
Joined: Feb 06 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 400
|
| Posted: Feb 04 2007 at 10:01pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Dear Molly,
I will offer up my Rosary for you, your dh, Charlie and your younger dc. I know what it is like to walk on eggshells all the time. Please call if you need to talk.
God Bless
Robynn
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
lilac hill
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 15 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 643
|
| Posted: Feb 05 2007 at 5:22am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Praying for your family.
__________________
Viv
Wife to Rick (7/83), Mom to dd#1(6/87), dd#2(1/90), and dd#3(6/94) in central PA.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
guitarnan
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: Maryland
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 10883
|
| Posted: Feb 05 2007 at 8:05am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Molly,
You and Charlie are always in my prayers. I'm thankful that Tammy's there with love and experience that can help you. (I loved her list.) One thought I have is that you might need to back away a bit from Charlie's situation and focus on healing for yourself and your other dc.
I'm joining my prayers to everyone else's, for all of you and for hope and healing for you, especially, Molly.
__________________
Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
momwise
Forum All-Star
Joined: March 28 2005
Location: Colorado
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1914
|
| Posted: Feb 05 2007 at 8:57am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I'm still praying Molly. Tammy's post is just beautiful...so inspiring and so many good reminders of daily practices I should be keeping up with as well. Tammy, your dh going back to sleep was right out of my own life!
I hope you take the book offer too. I've received the most inspiration and hope from spiritual reading during those intensely difficult family criseses.
The counseling....well, my dss and dh never would give it a chance, but even if they won't do it, try it for yourself. Plus, I've talked with several priests over the years who were very helpful. I try to do this whenever I need a man's point of view into the men in my life.
How about a novena for a holy Catholic man to befriend Charlie...maybe a priest, seminarian, etc.??
What a blessing friends are. Maybe Tammy and Ruth could call the local convents and monasteries and put you and your family on the prayer lists.
__________________
Gwen...wife for 30 years, mom of 7, grandma of 3.....
"If you want equal justice for all and true freedom and lasting peace, then America, defend life." JPII
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
teachingmyown
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 20 2005
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5128
|
| Posted: Feb 05 2007 at 11:07am | IP Logged
|
|
|
My husband is furious because of the way Charlie treated me and that he is now gloating.
Charlie was in school last year. We had put him in for his freshman year because I was very sick with my pregnancy and we were getting ready to move. DH felt that Charlie could handle the pressure. He was wrong.
I am praying the 54 novena right now.
One question I have is, does counseling ever work? My dh is very against it because he sees it as a waste of money. He has had plenty of dads tell him how they spent thousands of dollars on therapy for their teens with no improvement. I know my parents tried it with my brothers, who were problem teens, and it wasn't until they, my brothers, hit their 40's that they started turning their lives around.
Charlie met with our pastor before Christmas. I didn't see any change in attitude, but I guess that would be too much to expect after one visit.
We have applied to a very good, all-boy boarding school, which is close by, for the next two years. I believe that it is a safe, positive place for him to mature. It is a long shot that he will get in, but we are praying.
I have read, and re-read, the books. I need to step back and try to be more deliberate in my interactions with Charlie. On the other hand, my dh doesn't want to hear how WE could improve the situation. He sees Charlie at fault and expects Charlie to change, not us.
 When I suggest that Charlie doesn't feel loved enough, dh proceeds to remind me of all we have done for Charlie, how could he possibly not feel loved. I know this is pride, and hurt, talking, but I don't want to argue the point.
Thanks to you all for your prayers and encouragement. I need to go tend to the other six children who have been waiting too long for me.
__________________
In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
humanaevitae
Forum Pro
Joined: May 31 2005
Location: Minnesota
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 411
|
| Posted: Feb 05 2007 at 11:20am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Molly, your family and specifically you are in my prayers. What a cross this is!
__________________
Nicole-Zane 10, Elizabeth 7, Xavier 4, and John Patrick 2
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Cay Gibson
Forum All-Star
Joined: July 16 2005
Location: Louisiana
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5193
|
| Posted: Feb 05 2007 at 12:56pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I don't think your role is to "argue the point", Molly. You need to drop all the roles you feel are expected of you (teacher, referee, counselor, domestic goddess ) and just focus on being his mother.
Now is the time to focus on Mary's role in your life and ask, "What would Mary do?"
So he's in school. That's what you have to work with now. Ask him every day how his school day was. Take an interest in what he tells you then go back to tending the other six children.
Sometimes, dear, there is nothing you did wrong (nothing at all) and there is nothing you can do to un-do this.
My mother did everything "right". My brother still went "his way". My mother questioned for years what did she do wrong. Many, many prayers were offered and middle of the night rosaries said over the phone. He was in his late 30's before he turned off the briar road he had wandered down and back onto the road my parents had cleared for him.
I've been the sibling watching the drama so, believe me, I know the scenes going on in your home. Not as a mother, but as a sibling sick with grief.
One thing I wish my mother had not fallen victim to was shouting back at my brother. I guess that's rather lame to say though because it's human nature to get angry and sometimes hollering seems to be the only way we can get it into our child's head. My mother was only human. I know that now. But I knew, everytime I heard voices raised,doors slammed, and my brother speeding off that my mother was loosing control. A wayward child completely destroys the peace in a home.
I know you've read all the books and this isn't the time to throw another one into the mix but I was just thinking of some things I've read in this book. Have you ever read Covey's "7 Steps to Effective Families"? Covey gives scenerios that might prove effective. It's cheaper than counseling.
Counseling? I've heard the same. Some counseling can be effective. A lot of it isn't.  But, at this point, I think I'd be willing to try anything.
You keep praying and we will too.
__________________
Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Dawnie
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 30 2005
Location: Kansas
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 841
|
| Posted: Feb 05 2007 at 1:09pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Molly,
Does counseling work?
It depends, I would say, on whether or not the person receiving the counseling WANTS to change.
It would also depend on the counselor. For counseling to be helpful for me, I need someone who's going to do more than just listen to me vent for 50 minutes.
I was in counseling in my college years--and it didn't help much. I was also spiritually lost and didn't know what I wanted, besides that I didn't want to feel depressed anymore. It never crossed my mind that I needed to change my behavior.
I was in counseling for about 6 months after the birth of my 3rd child for post-partum depression, and that helped a lot. My counselor was someone who would listen to me vent without judging me, acknowledge my feelings, then help me to come up with solutions to the problems I was dealing with. She gave me suggestions, resources to read. She didn't tell me what to do, she asked me questions that helped me come up with my own solutions. I was also careful to choose a Catholic counselor who would respect my beliefs.
I am starting to have problems with depression and anxiety again, so I am going back to the same counselor and am very hopeful.
That's just my own experience with counseling...if that's helpful, great, if not, just ignore me.
Dawn
__________________
Mom to Mary Beth (99), Anna (02), Lucia (04), Clara (06), and Adelaide Victoria (2/28/09)
Visit my blog!Water Into Wine:Vino Per Tutto!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Carole N.
Forum All-Star
Joined: Oct 28 2006
Location: Wales
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 4484
|
| Posted: Feb 05 2007 at 2:24pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Molly,
I am praying for you and your family.
Believe me, I know how it is to deal with anger. We have a lot of anger in our family from our adopted son. Like your son, he is in school.
Tammy has really great suggestions. Even if you cannot get counseling with your husband, I would advise you to go yourself. It can be hard to find a good counselor, but there are some out there. We have been through so many. But sometimes it helps to talk to someone and know that you are okay (of course, we know that you are, but it can be helpful)!
Also, take care of your other dc. I worry for my daughter because at times, she feels so much hostility toward her brother. It is hard to know what is going on in their minds and with their feelings. And as Cay said, trying not to yell or shout is great advice. I know how hard it is, but believe me turning away and staying calm is a great tactic.
I am also praying the 54 day novena. My ds is one of my intentions. I will also pray for your ds as well.
__________________
Carole ... in Wales
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: What to do with the anger
