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seven2hold
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| Posted: Jan 11 2007 at 12:45pm | IP Logged
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I am re-reading Age of Opprtunity by Paul David Tripp. I have never come across a better book for seeking the heart of your teen for God. I want to know if anyone else has read this book, if they are implementing some of the ideas presented, and if they are finding success.
I have two teen daughters that are not tempted by the “big” sins, but struggle as I do with the little issues (which really aren't little at all!). This book has reminded me I need to “tuck in my teens.” I always tuck my “littles” in, but had let a kiss good night suffice for the big kids. Usually they came to kiss me while I was tucked in to bed!  In my own prideful defense I must say that I was often in bed with a nursing baby.
I have come to the realization that I need to go and sit on the beds of my teens. The conversations we have had have been phenomenal and memorable. That said, you’d think I’d be camped out waiting for them to retire each night. I still find it such a struggle to place this time with them as a priority. 
I have so much more to say, but alas I am being called back to my vocation.  Maybe I will be able to post more late tonight -- after I have tucked my teens in! 
I hope some of you have also read this book and will share your insights.
Kathy
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Kathy
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esperanza
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Hi Kathy!!!
So glad to see you here
I am going to check out this book ...you always have good recommendations. I drag myself out of bed some nights to spend time with the older dc...
Lately one particular dc has been neglected in this area...quite often  Thank you for this post. I truly find myself not affectionate enough with my older dc...
My mom tucked me in well into my teens...I remember being sad if she forgot.
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Tammy Gonzalez in VA
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Ruth
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Hi Kathy, so good to see you. It's been too long. Adrianna talks the most when I go into her room at night. I never thought about it as tucking her in.
This book sounds great! I agree with Tammy, you always have good recommendations.
I hope you are doing well. We miss you.
God bless,
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Ruth
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Erin
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Kathy
Thank you sooo much I really needed to hear this. My dd is the opposite of myself, she has to be drawn out. My mother confided to me after I was grown that many nights she was so tired listening to me but she did. She was in her bed so she couldn't get away.  
Tammy
I'm not affectionate enough with my older dc either Although dd13 doesn't like kisses and will only tolerate hugs and I try to respect that.
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teachingmom
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I have a question about tucking kids in. I was an only girl in a family of boys, so I always had my own room. I clearly remember being tucked in each night by each of my parents in turn. We had private conversations each night, and it was definitely a good time for confidences.
Now I have a rather small house with all girls, so everyone either shares a room with a sister or will within a couple of years (as in the case of the 4yo and baby). Dh and I usually go into each room to say goodnight separately to each dd. But our bedroom layout is not conducive to talking, sharing, or confiding at bedtime, since each of the older 4 girls has a roommate to overhear the conversation and 2 of the 4 are in top bunks!
I assume other moms of many have the same situation. Any suggestions that might help me to encourage the bedtime confidences? Or should they just happen at other times of the day?
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MacBeth
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My teens tuck me in . They stay up later, but always come in and hang out with mom and dad before bed.
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MacBeth in NY
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ladybugs
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Love this thought!
My 9.5 year old always reminds me to "tuck her in" if I'm too tired and forget.
I appreciate this reminder!
I'm going really make a better effort!
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Maria P
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Natalia
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Kathy,
A wise lady I know shared with me how her girls (she is a mother of 6 girls) always seemed to open up more to her at night time when she went to say good night. I have always thought of that as my oldest has grown. It has proved true for us. I don't go to her bed everynight but the I try to do it at least several nights a week. It is a great, intimate time between us.
Natalia
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folklaur
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MacBeth wrote:
| My teens tuck me in . They stay up later, but always come in and hang out with mom and dad before bed. |
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Our teen does this too. She always comes in and hangs out in our room after the littles are in bed.
DD17 is in *high* loft bed...I don't think I could tuck her in.....
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teachingmyown
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My son comes in and flops on our bed. Sometimes he talks, sometimes he just hangs out, plays with the baby, etc. Sometimes we have the x-box in our room, so he and my dh will play a game or watch each other play and talk about it.
It seems that if I go into his room that he feels I am intruding. Maybe that is because I only make a visit when something unpleasant is going on. Perhaps I could start a habit of doing it when things are going well.
That said, I am rarely up after him. Except, that is, nights like tonight where the baby got a catnap at 9pm and now thinks it is playtime! 
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SuzanneG
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My very good friend is a family therapist who works a lot with teens, and she says that most teens open up more at night than during the day. They feel less vulnerable and will confide at night. There is less of a sense of "people looking at you" and the security of your own home. (hmmmm....sort of how we feel snuggled up at night ) It's not necessarily the "bedroom setting" (although this is great - esp the tucking in concept) that is important but the time of day (night).
The first thing she suggests to parents of teens who are having problems is to adjust your schedule to stay up late with them, if at all possible.
teachingmom wrote:
| But our bedroom layout is not conducive to talking, sharing, or confiding at bedtime, since each of the older 4 girls has a roommate to overhear the conversation and 2 of the 4 are in top bunks! Any suggestions that might help me to encourage the bedtime confidences? Or should they just happen at other times of the day? |
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Maybe having a routine of what appears to be "doing nothing" during their "hanging out time" at night. say they are getting ready for bed at 9:00, but usually don't go to bed until 10 or 11. Maybe make yourself sit on the couch from 9-10 every night reading, but stopping to talk to whomever walks into the room.
Or, doing kitchen work from 9-10.....being able to talk at the same time. or some sort of light chore that could be done in the bedroom....folding clothes? sorting through drawers? ironing? then drawing them into a "chat."
Scheduling one-on-one school time with them at night rather than during the day.
I'm just thinking out loud....trying to remember some of the things she suggests to parents of teenagers.
I remember my dad walking into the dining room at 9 pm when I was a teenager....and saying, "Hey, kid, whatcha doin'?" me-"oh nothin". and he would say, "well, I think i'll do nothin' with ya, is that OK?" and he would proceed to sit down at the table and sort mail, or look through a book, or tie flies. And, there would be silence. which was fine. and then eventually.....blah blah blah!
My mom used to call me into her room to ask my opinion about a piece of clothing.....(now I know that was a ploy) but it worked, cuz i stayed and flopped on the bed and talked.
I have NO EXPERIENCE WITH ANY OF THIS WHATSOEVER ........."Do you tuck your teens in" just caught my attention. My dds are all under 6 I'm just repeating what my friend has told me .
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teachingmyown
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Suzanne,
what a great post! You had very wise parents.
many times I come down to the kitchen after all is quiet to find my teen hanging around (usually helping himself to ice cream or some other rationed treat! ), and we end up chatting for a while. There is certainly something about the dark and quiet that is conducive to communication.
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Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
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SuzanneG
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Lying in bed last night, I thought of something else my parents used to do.....
I was the oldest of five. My brother and I used to be in our rooms, doing "whatever". After the younger ones were asleep he would come upstairs and say something to the effect of...."Hey, the little kids are sleeping, do you want to come work downstairs?" Sometimes we did, sometimes we didn't....but it always made us feel like "grown ups" to be asked/invited/reminded. They always encouraged being in common rooms rather than in rooms by ourselves, but never forced. The big tables (dining room and kitchen) were always cleaned off so that we had room to "spread out" if we needed to.
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seven2hold
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I remember my dad walking into the dining room at 9 pm when I was a teenager....and saying, "Hey, kid, whatcha doin'?" me-"oh nothin". and he would say, "well, I think i'll do nothin' with ya, is that OK?" and he would proceed to sit down at the table and sort mail, or look through a book, or tie flies. And, there would be silence. which was fine. and then eventually.....blah blah blah!
My mom used to call me into her room to ask my opinion about a piece of clothing.....(now I know that was a ploy) but it worked, cuz i stayed and flopped on the bed and talked.
Susanne, you have very wise parents. I will use try some of their bag of tricks on my teens.
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Kathy
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seven2hold
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Me again…
Actually this is take two. I was just about to post when my 16 mo. old found the shiny blue power button on the computer.
I began this thread because as a mom of many, I feel pulled in so many directions. I want to meet everyone’s needs. But instead of asking better questions I’ve come to accept “fine” or “okay” when I ask a “How are you doing” type of question.
Mr. Tripp, author of Age of Opportunity, prompted me to re-think my bedtime routines. He writes: Pursue your teenager. Daily express your love. Don’t ask questions that can be answered with a yes or no. Ask questions that require description, explanation, and self-disclosure. Don’t just relate to them during times of correction. Don’t only catch them doing something wrong; catch them doing something right and encourage them. Pray daily with them, even if it makes them uncomfortable.
We always pray together as a family. I have discovered the benefits of praying with the children one-on-one about the issue most important them is incredible. Sometimes when one of my kids/teens comes to me with something they are struggling with and I allow the Holy Spirit to prompt me to pray with them I often see them relax and let go of their burden. This is an important habit I need to continue.
Continued…
Always find them in the house and say a warm “goodnight” to them before they go to bed… Enter the world of your teenager and stay there.
STAY THERE. This is a good lesson for me. I am so easily drawn back to what my priority is (the cleaning, dinner preparation, or my own good book).
Continued, again…
Don’t ever let them view you as being outside their functional world. Teenagers will reject grenades of wisdom lobbed from afar by someone who has not been on site in quite awhile.
I am reading Mr. Tripp’s discussion of the idols that teens, and those who parent teens , are susceptible to. I hope to share his insights in a future thread.
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Kathy
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Leonie
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Thanks for sharing the neat quotes.
We don't tuck in - but I do like to just hang out with my teens. Which is why I have had late nights for the last ten years or so!
Teens just seem to open up more at night, when youngers are in bed or after an outing or a video...We have a hot drink and hang out and sometimes end up talking about meaty issues...
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teachingmom
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suzgallus wrote:
| Maybe having a routine of what appears to be "doing nothing" during their "hanging out time" at night. say they are getting ready for bed at 9:00, but usually don't go to bed until 10 or 11. Maybe make yourself sit on the couch from 9-10 every night reading, but stopping to talk to whomever walks into the room. |
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Suzanne, Thanks so much for sharing from your own experience and from what your friend has told you. I really appreciate it. The idea of "hanging out" somewhere and just being available is a good one, now that I think of it. I haven't been tucking my children in to their beds much these past three months since my baby was born. Since I typically nurse her during our family night prayers, I am still sitting on the sofa with a nursing or sleeping baby in my arms when it's time for the others to go to bed. Dh has been actually tucking them in after I sing to each of them (a practice that goes back to the infancy of my oldest dd), say goodnight, and give a kiss. I've noticed that one or the other of my older two girls will often hang around a bit after I've sent the others upstairs. Unfortunately both dh and I have been seeing it as "I don't want to go to bed yet, so I'm going to delay going to my room" on their part. But after reading what you wrote, I really think they are looking for that one-on-one time at the end of the day that tucking-in affords. So I guess I am already finding alternatives to physically tucking them in, and I hadn't even realized what was happening!
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~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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Cathmomof8
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I've realized lately that often our 16yo ds, who is our very quiet one, often (almost always) has been going to bed without even a call of goodnight to us or from us. He is so different from me and I find it difficult to get him to open up in any way. If I ask him questions he is on the defense immediately. He's never been one for hugs or kisses. I've been trying to make a point the past week or so to at least stop by his bedroom - with his closed door and tell him goodnight and that I love him.
Our almost 18yo, on the other hand, will stand at our doorway and talk to me forever. Dh just goes to sleep. But I've realized how important it is to talk and listen to him about WHATEVER. Our relationship has struggled over the years and I think it is better than a couple of years ago but I have worked hard to show him unconditional love and attention. But it can sure be exhausting.
Anyone with ways to bring out a 16yo son, who has little to no outside interests and prefers to hibernate in his room, I'd be glad to listen.
Theresia-off to request that book from the library
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Do you tuck your teens in?
