| Author | |
julia s.
Forum Pro
Joined: Feb 27 2005
Location: Maryland
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 394
|
| Posted: Dec 26 2006 at 2:33pm | IP Logged
|
 |
|
... my husband and I have decided to just let nature take it's course and be "open to life" so to speak. At least that is how I've interpretted our talks (with guys you never can tell if you're having the same conversation with them as you think you are, but that's another topic all together  ).
I really felt called to do this when we decided a few months ago, but as time goes on I'm getting 'cold feet.' Not enough to change my mind, but I wish I could take the knot out of my stomach.
I just feel that as my immeadiate family gets larger, that I'm becoming more distant from other relationships. Like people are taking it personally what I'm doing for my family and my family's salvation. Ok, if I put it like that it is personal, but I don't want to become 'the problem friend, relative, etc...' I have a good friend from college that is just barely holding together after this last pregnancy because now I have baby obligations while her kids (she has two and doesn't want any more) are all school aged. This will only get more pronounced with more pregnancies.
Also, I'm a bit hurt because we decided to have my family over to our house for Christmas this year since I had the baby and my husband also wanted his father to join us, but when my family came it turned out they got together on Christmas eve and exchanged gifts and only brought the gift for me and my family  . I felt left out and silly opening gifts alone with everyone watching after they opened just the gift we gave them.
My 2 sisters who are older than I am don't have children, and by now may never have them (I'm not God so I can't predict for sure). And I always feel like even my meager family (I hardly consider 3 kids a large family) is seen as this large invasion.
I love my kids and everything is going well now, but pregnancy (at least last pregnancy) was hard. I'm not looking forward to it that much. I like holding the littles in my arms not the belly so much. With school just barely functioning with a new baby and hardly functioning when I was pregnant I don't want to feel like I'm always causing a disruption to the family.
What made you all decide to have large families and what are the good trade-offs for all the rest? Who were your role models in choosing this way? Also, am I crazy to start this when I'm already 38 -- isn't this a little bit of a late start?
Thanks for listening to my fears. I know that most things in life are best done on the initial decision and to lay the fears down, but I've come to listen and learn so much from all of you.
__________________
julia
married to love of her life
with ds12 ds8 ds3 and ds1
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Bridget
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: Michigan
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2198
|
| Posted: Dec 26 2006 at 4:05pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Dear Julia,
It is true that the more children you have, the more you need to give up time spent on other relationships. You tend to be closer with other moms of many because they understand.
This is no easy life. But allowing God to lead is our path to sanctity and, in the end, the most fulfilling.
This is pasted from an email I sent someone else on this subject. Maybe it will help a little.
"Your husband and your children are your family now. YOu may invite anyone you want into your lives and owe no explanations to anyone else. You also do not need to knock yourself out trying to please people who won't be pleased. You should be forbearing, pleasant, even kind, when the opportunity arises and pray for them always. If they are ever in real need and you can help, you help. That is all.
Focus on building traditions among your children. Build bonds. Be a strong family. If anyone wants to be part of you, fine, welcome them on your terms. Don't get bogged down in whatever games extended family might be playing. YOUR family in YOUR home are your main priority."
__________________
God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Martha
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 25 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2291
|
| Posted: Dec 26 2006 at 6:10pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Very well said Bridget. 
Julia,
I think you fear becoming lonely and isolated?
In my case, I think this is true at times for us. However, I'm coming to embrace this and not view it as a negative thing in our lives.
Having a large family will force you to make your dh and dc your top priority. That, in turn, will force you to make God a priority.
Disclaimer:
I'm NOT saying that those with smaller families do not make their dh/dc/God a priority!
I'm saying that, for the sake of sheer survival and neccessity, large families MUST do this and there is less "wiggle-room" away from those priorities.
I'll also add that you will grow in this area as needed as the babies come. So don't feel you aren't going to be able to handle being a mother of 8 or 10 ! All you have to do is be the mom of 1 more, if that time comes. The graces come as the babies come. 
__________________
Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Lisbet
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2006
Location: Michigan
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2706
|
| Posted: Dec 26 2006 at 6:22pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Martha wrote:
Very well said Bridget.
I'll also add that you will grow in this area as needed as the babies come. So don't feel you aren't going to be able to handle being a mother of 8 or 10 ! All you have to do is be the mom of 1 more, if that time comes. The graces come as the babies come. |
|
|
What both Bridget and Martha wrote is great advise!! This quote from Martha is SO TRUE!! I tend to 'borrow' stress, thinking how on earth I could ever handle more than what I do now, thus not handling what I do now the best because I'm preoccupied worrying! 
God gives me the grace now to mother the 8 chidren I have now, not the 12 children I may or may not have one day!
I have let other relationships go a bit because I am more focused on my children. That's okay with me though, and for those relationships that are real and true and based on love, it's okay for the other person too.
__________________
Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
julia s.
Forum Pro
Joined: Feb 27 2005
Location: Maryland
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 394
|
| Posted: Dec 26 2006 at 10:13pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I think I would have to put all of your posts (Bridget, Martha, and Lisa) in quotes and just say you've given me a lot to think about. Motherhood, I think, is about learning how much you need God. I knew so little about being an adult, let alone a mother, when I had my first and he was so difficult (as a baby) and all I could do was love him and wonder why God didn't let me see ahead of time what a huge mistake I thought I had made before I took on this job that I am so bad at when I am so competent at other more 'worldly' things. I do not know what (guess just God's grace) that even let me have another child. And another.
I've been trying to follow Mary's "yes". To live it as best I can. This has been my practice for the past few months.
I have been lucky to sit here and muse over choices when so many have none. So many have so much pain and do not even know the sound of Jesus' voice. And they do not know how easy and wonderful it is to fall in love with Him.
I'm sorry for the pity party before. My family can hurt my feelings and holidays (while easier than they used to be) bring out my insecurties.
Martha, you are right that I'm afraid of being lonely.
I'm afraid of following down a path that takes me from the last remnants of what I know and finding no one there. So this is probably a matter of faith and love.
Ahh, it is late for me and I need some rest. I'm going to re-read what you wrote and then go to bed. Thank you.
__________________
julia
married to love of her life
with ds12 ds8 ds3 and ds1
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
rm4mrfrus
Forum Pro
Joined: March 27 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 282
|
| Posted: Dec 26 2006 at 10:44pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I'm not sure that I can add anything to the wonderful words of Martha, Bridget and Lisbet but did want to add that this is a subject that has come up often for dh when speaking with others about our family and being open to life. He has been asked pretty frequently about it and shares with others how it has helped him down his path towards sanctity. Just the logistics of having many children change activities and such.
We have pruned friendships too in the course of our marriage and growing family. There are those who will be your friends no matter what and those whose friendships you both grow out of. It is similar to when we first started homeschooling. We lost friends who completely disagreed with our decision, made new friends whose family life paralleled our own a bit more and kept those lifelong friendships that you keep no matter what.
We decided to not use NFP and to just be open to life because the stipulation of having a serious or grave reason to space children (which is a part of discerning whether to use NFP or not) has not been an issue for us yet. Finances have been both good and bad but never a reason to feel we could not welcome another, my health so far has been fairly good, dh's health and the health of the children too. We simply have never thought of any reasons that we feel we would need to have a larger than "normal" space between children so far. Of course we will continue to evaluate that decision as needed, but so far, that has been the case for us.
We came around to this way of thinking when dh was going through RCIA in 1998. He came home one night from RCIA class (which was wonderful by the way. None of the touchy feely "how do you feel about this" sort of thing..his teacher is now the director of PR or something of the sort at Christendom College) and said "this is what the Church teaches, we need to pray and make some changes. I will not convert and pick and choose which teachings to follow and which to not follow. It's either all or nothing and I want it all." We had 2 children at that point and we now have 6.
I was a bit nervous and cold feetish at first but with each child I have been even less so...that feeling has been gone for probably the last 2 or 3 children and now I feel as if I am quickly hoping for and excited for the next one!.
At the time we were changing our way of thinking and acting, we were getting to know some other families who had already gotten to that point. (these are some of the families we have remained friends with no matter what! One is our ds's godparents and due with baby #7 this very week!) They were our role models in several ways along with several others. My best friend from highschool just had #8 in November and they have been role models as well.
I don't think 38 is too late to start if you feel that it is God's will and you are trying to honor His will, it is never too late to start.
I am getting a bit addle brained now as I am getting tired but there are many good trade offs to being open to life....one of the ones we have noticed is the diminishment of stress over "family planning". ..for us this is not a worry anymore. freedom from worry...we just remain open to the possibility that a new soul may be in the works and leave it in God's hands to work out the details.
Also making that BIG decision to let nature take its course and be open to life has allowed us to rely on God more for smaller decisions as well. It has helped us to say "Your will, not mine" in many more ways.
Another benefit is our children's relationships with each other. Our oldest is a boy and while he has always been loving towards little children, we have seen a change in him during my last pregnancy. He made a decision that he wanted to be even more involved with the baby when she came than he had been with the other children and he has done so and he can see the results in his relationship with her. She seeks him out to play and allows him to comfort her where the others didn't do so until they were older. They always turned to us (Mom and Dad) or our dd who is very motherly and cultivates that kind of a relationship. Now our youngest goes freely between dh, ds, dd and me. Even though his relationship with all his siblings is great, for some reason as he got a bit older, he realized that he wanted even more and knew he would have to be the one to cultivate it. This is a talent that having more children allowed him to discover in himself. It just wasn't there yet in him until recently and as a result he feels he has something special with our youngest that he did not have with the middle ones.
Sacrifice is another benefit. Both dh and I and our children find opportunities each day to sacrifice for others which in turn benefits ourselves probably more than others. Our older kids know that we always "play to the youngest" and often have to put their own wants behind those of one of the younger children.
Our older children are learning to evaluate their friendships in relationship to family. We moved to this neighborhood nearly 2 yrs ago and went from one with few children to one which is nicknamed "Disneyland". On our street alone there are 11 houses and 21 children. When we first moved here our older children were always wanting to play with neighbor kids, mostly because it was such a novelty to them. As time has gone by, our kids have noticed that many of the neighbor kids don't treat our little ones well or nicely. For instance, visiting kids try to tell our little ones they can't play the video game because then it requires more waiting and turn taking than it would if it were only the biggest kids. Or they try to get our kids to tell them they can't play on the trampoline because you have to jump more gently with little ones on there....those kinds of things have allowed our older kids to start thinking about what kind of friendships they want to encourage. Now I know that the problems I just mentioned are more a problem with "manners" than number of kids, but I think that it is one of those subtle "manners" that most do not work on since it is not often an issue (most elementary kids in our neighborhood only play with others who are the same age and don't have to constantly be aware of babies)since there are not many babies in their families and I doubt that this is something that *I* would be aware of if logistics had not forced it.
So the kids who get angry with my dd when she stops in the middle of a game to help her little brother put on his bike helmet or who tell her to take the younger ones off the trampoline so she can have more fun are making her think about what is important to her.
Our kids also benefit because they frequently see us "explaining" our large family to acquaintances and strangers who question our sanity and intelligence. We are often given the chance to explain how God blesses us with all these gifts and they overhear our conversations often. They hear us explain our beliefs with charity (usually) and conviction. Being open to life and in turn having more than the average number of children causes us to be more openly explanatory of our beliefs than I would be if left to my own shy devices. So often we don't blend in and I am forced out of my shyness to talk to people about it.
These are benefits that I see in our family...this is what works for us... Sometimes my words are not well chosen and I sincerely hope that nobody's feelings have been hurt by any of this. Some of the benefits have to do with having many children because that has been OUR family's result of being open to life, but please do not take it in any way as a condemnation of anyone having a smaller family. I do not mean to infer that large families are better than small or anything of the sort...being open to life means being open to what God chooses for you and that means different numbers of children for different families.
__________________
Hollee married to dh in 94,
ds(96), dd(97), ds(00), ds(02), ds(03) and dd(05)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Martha
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 25 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2291
|
| Posted: Dec 26 2006 at 11:16pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
julia s. wrote:
I'm sorry for the pity party before. My family can hurt my feelings and holidays (while easier than they used to be) bring out my insecurties.
Martha, you are right that I'm afraid of being lonely.
I'm afraid of following down a path that takes me from the last remnants of what I know and finding no one there. So this is probably a matter of faith and love.
|
|
|
Yes, it is a matter of faith and love. I didn't think you were having a pity party. I think you were having one of those weak moments where we let fear and uncertainy rule our hearts. We all have them. Heck, I had 3 days of them last week. My extended family can have that effect at times.
Do not think that your losing friends/family by having children. Rather consider that you are raising new friends and family. 
__________________
Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
MarilynW
Forum All-Star
Joined: June 28 2006
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 4275
|
| Posted: Dec 27 2006 at 7:22am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Dear Julia - I am praying for you. And I too am benefitting from the many words of wisdom above. I am expecting #5 - and faced the same problems of isolation as you. Most of my siblings have only 2 children and have had tubal litigations etc (despite being practicing Catholics) - I really dreaded telling everyone - especially to face the questions such as "was it another accident", "why don't you get cable tv", "isn't 38 too old" etc etc. With each child and with homeschooling we have drawn a little further away from a lot of extended family - it still hurts me, and I am trying to figure out a way of not letting it affect my children. I really do echo Bridget's quote about our focus being on our own family and children. We cannot afford to keep up with the lifestyle of the others either - eating out a lot, vacations, entertaining etc - so we are often the odd ones out.
On a positive note - most of my family reacted more positively to our recent news than I expected - I think they still think we are crazy - but they were much more supportive than I thought they would be. I think it is Elizabeth who wrote "the world is starved for babies" - and I really think this is right. My heart also breaks for my sister who had a tubal litigation at 33 - and although she will never admit it I think really regrets it - and I do not think it is easy for her when I have another one.
Blessings and prayers.
__________________
Marilyn
Blessed with 6 gifts from God
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Lisbet
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2006
Location: Michigan
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2706
|
| Posted: Dec 27 2006 at 7:50am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Yes, the holidays and being around so much extended family and friends can take their toll. I had many "bite my tongue" moments last week. Julia, I certainly did not take it as you were feeling sorry for yourself at all. It's so wonderful that we can come here and express our discouragement and weaknesses, and be lifted up by the others.
I wouldn't say I get lonely, just look at all the people gathered around me ALL the time! What I do feel is lack of respect and understanding from those outside of my home. I went through a period where I felt as though I couldn't walk to my mailbox without being attacked. While the outside attacks and nosey questions have not stopped, my attitude has changed SO much. Rather than getting defensive, I have come to always be JOYFUL. Sometimes I have to pretend to be joyful, since I'd rather spit in their eye, but usually a few moments of pretending softens them enough that I my joy turns real. I realized that I need to be a good, joyful example of a woman living her vocation. That is so important, that will change hearts, plant seeds, and it is my sanctification afterall!
Julia, know that you are in my prayers.
__________________
Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
julia s.
Forum Pro
Joined: Feb 27 2005
Location: Maryland
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 394
|
| Posted: Dec 27 2006 at 10:00pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
It is late and I want to have time to reply to your kind words better, but for now I just want say thank you for your prayers.
__________________
julia
married to love of her life
with ds12 ds8 ds3 and ds1
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Kim F
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 03 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 326
|
| Posted: Dec 28 2006 at 11:48am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I am just popping in and catching up on forum posts when I saw this thread. I just wanted to encourage you also. I have had some really hard pregnancies and feared that it would only get worse but that hasn't been the case. In fact number nine (who came 2 wks ago) was likely one of my easiest pregnancies and recoveries so far. I totally didn't expect that!
Also as the oldest child (and then those that follow) hits 11 or 12 suddenly everything starts to ease up again. It is hardest imo when noone can stay home alone yet or babysit. As they hit preteen years they become more and more of a help.
It IS like raising up new friends too. That was the hardest thing about my boys getting older and starting to take jobs etc. I miss their company. I do have good friends but I don't go out much. I don't miss it now either. When my kids were little I craved moms night out. Now I would rather sit on the couch with dh or play board games with the kids. (or take a nap lol!)
My biggest inspiration are the mega families. always found them fascinating and figure if someone else can do a dozen kids well I can carry my load halfway well. If I get back off the computer..... Better scoot! Just wanted to say it IS scary but like Bridget said you will get the increased graces as you need them and not a minute sooner.
Kim
__________________
Starry sky ranch
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Martha
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 25 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2291
|
| Posted: Dec 28 2006 at 12:56pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Lisa posted a link to this article about babies on her blog that I think is just wonderful.
I thought of you, Julia, the minute I read it.
__________________
Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Martha in VA
Forum Pro
Joined: Nov 15 2006
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 496
|
| Posted: Dec 29 2006 at 9:06am | IP Logged
|
|
|
HI Julia,
I was reading something this morning that caused me to think about your post.
David Currie has written a book, Born Fundamentalist, Born Again Catholic, in which he describes his reversion to Catholicism. One of the things he writes about is the strong moral teachings that the RC Church has held to all through the ages. He words about being open to life are some of the most beautiful I have read:
"Christian parents have the singularly important task of populating heaven with saints. Every life created by God in concert with a man and woman can live forever to bring eternal praise and glory to God in heaven. We help populate heaven with 'praise-givers'".
I thought that quote was just beautiful. I hope it encourages you.
__________________
Blessed wife & mom to
4dds,miracle son 4/09, 2 in heaven
My Conversion Blog
Our Family Blog
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
julia s.
Forum Pro
Joined: Feb 27 2005
Location: Maryland
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 394
|
| Posted: Dec 30 2006 at 11:27am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Wow! You ladies have some really wonderful and powerful advice.
Thank you so much for taking the time to help me out. I'm definitely feeling better. I wish life came with that chrystal ball or something. But I guess that is where the graces come in.
I was thinking the other day how better I know and love God more because of my children. Some people might be able to live a contemplative life and understand what my children have taught me, but God knows I'm more of a 2x4 up the side of the head type person and need the hands on . And each child brings a new dimension and understanding.
No wonder you ladies are so full the Holy Spirit .
I'm going to focus on the path God laid in front of me and try really hard not to look at other people's journey with longing or misplaced pride.
__________________
julia
married to love of her life
with ds12 ds8 ds3 and ds1
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Just hoping to feel ok about our decision
