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saintanneshs
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| Posted: Dec 13 2006 at 7:53am | IP Logged
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I just finished re-reading a portion of Elizabeth's book Real Learning: Education in the Heart of the Home. In the chapter entitled Battling Back From Burnout, she writes:
"...I want to address the burnt-out mom who has read all the books and listened to all the advice and tried to do it all efficiently and is exhausted. It always frustrates me to hear experienced mothers advise novices to train their children to clean the house. They outline the merits of chores and character training. Then they spend the next forty-five minutes extolling the virtues of eight-, ten-, and twelve-year-olds who are extermely capable, competent and virtuous. It is all true. It is all wonderful. But it is no consolation to the mother of five children who are seven and under and needs help now-this year. If this is your situation, no matter how well you train them, you are going to have to bear the brunt of the burden yourself."
So along with many of the moms here, I'm soon going to be that mom of five children who are seven and under and I'm already struggling to keep up with housework and make time for schooling and somehow grab a little time for dh and some time also just for me, and that's with only 4 little ones. I'd love to hire help to clean the house even just once a month, but that's not an option for us at this point. I have babysitters who keep the littlest ones so I can do a thorough cleaning, but most of the time I'm too big and clumsy and pooped to keep up with more than the basics, which really is enough for me for now. ...Add to that the fact that Melancholic Temperaments (like me) find peace in an orderly home, complete with routines and schedules and I can't do anything but laugh.  I'm trying my best but I just can't seem to keep "ahead" of the curve...If the kids get outside to play in the afternoon, it's PB&J for dinner! And this is with just 4!! I know I'm not alone and that helps more than you know! It's also helping to keep my sense of humor. 
A few months ago a mom who has two little ones (and wants to homeschool them in the future) seriously asked me what the trick was to getting it ALL done. I felt like she wanted an answer to lead her down the golden path of wisdom (why she asked ME I'll never know )and instead of that, I must have burst her bubble when I told her (at least in my experience) that there is no such thing as getting it ALL done, because she didn't seem too happy with my response. I tried to be gentle and say it with sensitivity...I remember back when I had only 1 or 2 kids, thinking that there MUST be a way I could do it all when I got to this point. And I'm doing everything the experienced moms say to do but I just can't seem to manage it All, all of the time. Don't get me wrong though. I think my house is clean, my kids are fed and the grocery shopping gets done. We don't always get bread baked as often as I'd like and sometimes we don't finish as much lesson-wise as I'd like, but I think we're okay...at least for now.
With January approaching, I'm trying to be realistic about life with baby #5 but I have no idea of what to expect. I've never before been so intimidated by what lies ahead. When I look to the future I see days, weeks and months of pajamas on all-day, the kids eating dry cereal at the coffee table while watching videos so I can sit beside them and breastfeed in peace! I'm hoping to keep up with a bit of laundry every day and to start getting dinner ready after breakfast so we might actually accomplish that great feat by nightfall. Dh will do baths and the rest, well, I just don't know. Will my floors see a vacuum for 6 months? Will the dust bunnies overrun us? And since I have no "independent" workers yet, will my oldest two be able to get any of their lessons done with minimal help from Mom? I always expect too much and I don't want to do that, but I also don't want to throw in the towel and expect nothing. Where's the happy medium?
My question to those of you who've BTDT:
Survival skills...Which do you find most valuable after your 5th child in 7 years? What is to be reasonably expected?
__________________
Kristine
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Lisbet
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| Posted: Dec 13 2006 at 11:52am | IP Logged
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Kristine,
My oldest was 7 when our 5th was born also. It was a very difficult time in our lives, as we were also homeschooling 'for real'. The brunt of the housework, childcare, and schoolwork fell on my shoulders. But, well, my God designed my shoulders for the vocation He called me to, so, it was okay!
I never really worried about 'expectations' as much as I tried to focus on 'acceptance'. The hard part for me was accepting that this was my life, that I was going to wrestle toddlers while nursing babies, I was going to clean my house all day and it was still going to be a wreck. I was going to train my children in virtue, but they were not going to be perfect, etc...
I took (and still do take) each day as it comes, sometimes even each minute as it comes. I try not to worry about 'my plans' so much as what the day brings us. I do train my children to do chores, and now some of the older children are training little siblings. We have a list of basics that we all pitch in and do each day, and it is working for us. But, it took time, of course. Your in the thick of it right now. It will pass, and much quicker than what you think!
One thing my husband does when a new one is on the way, he formally 'promotes' everyone to their new position in the family. They all 'move up' in rank and responsibility, and privledges. This is nearly miraculous in keeping morale up. They now all love pitching in and helping, esp. after Dad give a pep talk and reminds us of our mission, both the spiritual and the temporal. I know tonight he will do this to prepare us all for a cleaning extravaganza tomorrow for our house viewings. He will assign tasks and pair children up to do them, he will remind us that we are a family and we are working together for Heaven, and to move out of the city! He will assign one child to 'report' to him on the progress at lunch time. It really really helps to get dad involved in all of it of course.
I'm sorry if I'm rambling. Your concerns are so valid, try to enjoy this time with your littles, it goes really fast and before you know it you'll nurse the baby in peace while the oldest reads outloud to everyone else, and give littles their baths while two older children do kitchen duty after dinner!
__________________
Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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Dawnie
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| Posted: Dec 13 2006 at 12:35pm | IP Logged
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Kristine,
Thank you for posting this! I am struggling with the same issues you are, and I "only" have 4 dc ages 7 and under!
btw, yesterday I had a "first"...I took my dc to the beauty shop to have their hair trimmed...one of the girls who worked there said, "Are they all yours??!!"
I noticed that after my 3rd daughter was born, moms w/ less dc who were younger than mine also started asking me ,"how do you do it all?" I wanted to ...I'm still trying to figure out how other moms "do it all"...why are they asking me???
The biggest concern for me is getting the schoolwork done. I know the house will get clean eventually, and it's okay if we have PB&J for dinner. I just cut up some fruits and veggies and it's still a balanced meal, right?
Those of you w/ bigger families, do you do the "hands on" "real learning" kind of stuff in addition to all the formal schoolwork, especially when you have a new baby, or do you do one or the other? That's what I'm really struggling with right now. I could do a craft or something fun with the kids, or I could do formal schoolwork, but I can't do both...at least not every day.
Dawn
__________________
Mom to Mary Beth (99), Anna (02), Lucia (04), Clara (06), and Adelaide Victoria (2/28/09)
Visit my blog!Water Into Wine:Vino Per Tutto!
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Lisbet
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| Posted: Dec 13 2006 at 12:43pm | IP Logged
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Dawn, I would focus more on the real learning hands on kind of stuff right now. You can usually tie all the formal stuff in with that somehow. That's all I've been doing with my 7 and under children this year, and it's been a much nicer school year so far.
__________________
Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Dec 13 2006 at 2:24pm | IP Logged
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there's lots of data out there that supports NOT doing formal sit down work with the younger (8 and under) kids.
And believe it or not.. things somehow get better with more kids.. I would never have believed it when I had only 2.. and was struggling to get things done.. but here I am newly promoted to 7 (9 yrs and under) and my house is much cleaner most of the time than it was when I only had 2.. plus we do bits of school here and there (we're still on post partum break)
Partly, as you get the older kids trained, you have less to do in the way of housework.. I mean that literally.. you personally do less as the kids do more.. of course you fill that time with supervision and instruction and teaching and.. but as the work increases so do the number of helpers you have.
Also remember that the little ones need more "entertainment" that the older kids naturally fill in.. where when there weren't any older kids.. I was also "playmate" to the little ones. Not that i don't play with them now.. but they have lots of options now.. not JUST me.
So I guess the biggest survival skill is training your children.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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ALmom
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| Posted: Dec 16 2006 at 2:54am | IP Logged
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Keep priorities in mind - it is more important that I am a mother to my children than that I teach them in some formal, got to do it sort of way. If it happens fine, if it doesn't we'll get there, there really is plenty of time at this age. If they are ready, they will ask for books over and over or want to do practice letters and school becomes mommy time. I do not have to plan elaborate activities for the littles - a game of pretend soup with us both on the floor in the midst of a bucket of blocks is of great worth. If I'm not up to a big mess because of new baby or lots of built up stress - maybe we postpone the art project till another day - or do it outside or somewhere where the mess doesn't matter. It is Ok if we don't do everything now - there is time tomorrow or the next day. We don't have to rush or even keep up with all the wonderful things other moms do.
I also keep this in mind with housecleaning - gourmet meals are not important, basic nutritious ones are but these don't have to take more than a few minutes - boiled chicken with frozen vegetables is fine and they like it just fine. Basic tidying up is easier with less stuff - but can be done together and simply by loading up buckets. You learn to do what is essential (and this means most important to your own dh and family - not the imaginary perfect standard) and not sweat over the rest. You remember that what you think is such a dreadful chore is really a delightful experience for the youngers - all my littles really, really loved rinsing dishes especially if we did it somewhat together. It was slower (so I had to slow down ) and a bit messier (so I had to learn more patience) but it got done and it was mommy-child bonding time. With more than one little, you do have to kind of plan ways that all are working in the same rooms together (2 sides of the sink with 2 children rinsing and another helping you load and taking turns - and the patience of teaching them how to take turns when everyone would prefer one thing and not another - or 5 little hands want to bake(if we needed 2 cups of something, I might let each child measure out 1/2 cup).
Still my answer would be that you don't do it all - you just have to learn what is really, really important and at all costs not succumb to the temptation to panic that your dc are being put at some disadvantage because you aren't doing xyz. You really do not have to do zillions of field trips and art projects or plan activities galore - keep it simple with simple goals while the children are young, thinking about what is most important. For us, formal schooling just wasn't top priority when we had lots of littles - reading aloud, playing some games (some of which involved numbers at some point), an outdoor walk and learning how to function in a family by picking up after yourself, helping siblings, waiting patiently for your turn, etc. were our priorities (unless we got sidetracked - and then burnout really loomed around the corner). Preserving play time for the children helped and not being rushed. If certain children showed certain interests, we tried to follow it. I had scissors, and crayons and paints and we did use these - but I didn't have to plan stuff. When there was real interest in letters or sounds, we played some games with refrig magnets or other hands on and kept it light until older. Now, none of my dc spoke another language early on, nor were most reading before 7 or 8 but they really are fine now as older children.
My 19 yo just talked about playing tea with me when her 15 yo sis was a baby and how she always liked sending me outside to ring the doorbell so she could be grown up and answer the door. Well, at the time, I never really thought about the learning - it was just a game with a mini, play tea set (we did make real tea that the hostess poured and offered cream and sugar, too) and crackers for tea cakes but now that I think about it, she was practicing how to be a hostess, pouring and being gracious - and so many years later she still remembers it with fondness (I'd honestly forgotten about it until she reminded me and now I remember cringing outside, praying that the doorbell did not wake up the baby ).
It really is the little things that are the more important ones - but my personality is such that I have to work at playing and not stressing. It is easier for me to say this now cause I have mostly olders and it has sadly been awhile since I've had many really little ones. Also, unlike many of you, we were never blessed with a lot very close in age but there were some years when we did have a number under 8.
Janet
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Leonie
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Dawnie wrote:
Those of you w/ bigger families, do you do the "hands on" "real learning" kind of stuff in addition to all the formal schoolwork, especially when you have a new baby, or do you do one or the other? That's what I'm really struggling with right now. I could do a craft or something fun with the kids, or I could do formal schoolwork, but I can't do both...at least not every day. |
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When the kids were little and when I was sick and in and out of hospital with new babies, health problems and miscarriages - well, I soon learned that I needed to keep things simple . Simple meals, simple housework.
And "school wise" - we could only do one thing at a time. Either take a few weeks to do some workbook stuff or a month or so of making a book or a project - not both.
And, of course, times when nothing formal seems to have been done at all - but real learning from real life.
My advice is to do one or the other - I couldn't personally do both formal work and hands on when all were little . So, we alternated .
Even know I don't do it all. 
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Leonie in Sydney
Living Without School
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Angel
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| Posted: Dec 17 2006 at 7:34am | IP Logged
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My oldest just turned 9 when we jumped from 3 to 5, but then I had 4 age 6 and under (3 age 2 and under) and my oldest has special needs. I had started thinking with 3 that I needed to try and get some better routines in place so I could handle more children, but I never expected 2 at once!
Having twins has been a very humbling experience in some ways, actually, but it's taught me a few things. One is that there are times in life when to try to do "it" all is just INSANE. It's much more important to focus on the thngs that *really* need to be done first, and then when life expands from that point, you can add more of "it" until one day you will realize that you're doing more than you'd thought was ever going to be possible 3, 4, 6 months before. I am not a good housekeeper, but the fact is, I'm better with 5 than I was with 2 because I have learned along the way.
Also, your 7 yo can probably do quite a lot in the way of helping. I always tell people I can't imagine having twins as my first children, because I wouldn't have had any help with them -- no one to entertain them!! Your 7 yo can be a big help. I've noticed that when the twins were born, my kids suddenly became a lot more mature and independent because they had to take on more resposnibility; I always make sure they know that their work is valuable, that I couldn't do it by myself.
Also, whenever I have had a newborn, mostly what I have done is read aloud. My husband often fills in some of the cracks in the evening by listening to children read aloud, quizzing them on math facts, spelling -- different things at different times. They enjoy doing all these things with Daddy, and it helps me, too. When my oldest was 6 or 7 and my 3rd baby had just been born, we used a couple of phonics workbooks, but mostly we just sat on the couch and read real books. With the twins I didn't have any hands available to read, so we used books on CD a lot, and the television show NOVA became a really hefty part of our curriculum, too!
Now I have just come to the conclusion that as far as school goes, I will try really hard to maintain our routines when I am feeling well and there are no new babies in the house, so that if we are blessed again in the future and I have to take time off for morning sickness, etc., I won't feel guilty about it because I'll know that at some point we'll be able to get the routine back.
--Angela
Mom to 3+2 
Three Plus Two
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Willa
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Martha blogged about this: Efficiency Management
I liked her point about the domino effect -- find the problem detail in your life (or at least the most annoying one) and work out a solution for it.
I also ditto those who say it can't ALL be done all the time. Even now with only 2 children who are 7-down, and the other five 10 years old and up, I alternate more structured seasons with more open-ended learning projects and hands-on. Fortunately, it's not necessary to do it all to have a healthy, flourishing household.
I know how frustrating it feels to feel like you're not getting ANYTHING done but those baby years are so precious. In retrospect, you'll see ! And though seven year olds can't run the house they can be a BIG help! even my disabled 7yo does quite a bit around here and could do even more if he didn't have older siblings to get it done!
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AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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Dawnie
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Willa,
Thanks for posting the link to Martha's blog...very helpful.
Janet, I'm printing your post out so I can re-read it whenever I start to feel discouraged! I also have to work at playing and just having fun and not stressing. Anxiety is a big problem for me.
Dawn
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Mom to Mary Beth (99), Anna (02), Lucia (04), Clara (06), and Adelaide Victoria (2/28/09)
Visit my blog!Water Into Wine:Vino Per Tutto!
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saintanneshs
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| Posted: Dec 20 2006 at 9:40am | IP Logged
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Thank you, ladies, for all of your inspiring posts. It's good to know that I'm in good company here!
Since I posted this originally, I've been paying special attention to my just-turned 7yo, and I've realized how helpful he can be. I had noticed it before, but I was looking this time with thoughts of "what can I get by with so long as the 7yo is helping me?" The answer is a lot, really! I won't be trying to do it all and as for school, well, I haven't planned anything formal until spring. "Less is more" will be our theme until then.
Thanks for sharing your experiences. I feel much better now!
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Kristine
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: survival skills
