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Martha
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| Posted: Dec 05 2006 at 5:24pm | IP Logged
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Do any of you moms of many, esp. the grand multiparas, get asked for advice on a regular basis??
I do. Out of the blue, I will get an email or see a post to a board I frequent, asking for advice or perspective on things from me. Most of the time it is mothers with much smaller families needing help getting organised, accepting children, or what I think are basic common sense things.
I do not have a degree, nor do I think I'm an expert and I make that clear. Anything I offer is based on my opinion and experience.
Would you respond to these inquiries? I feel some obligation to do so. Not because I think I have all the answers, I know I do not. But because I am often adrift and see so many other women who have no one to ask and feel if they reach out - I have an obligation to reach back in some small way. Does that make sense?
I was telling a friend this tonight and she said she thought it was weird. I suppose it is. But is it weird for the mother of a large family?  I don't think they ask to be rude. I think they ask because they have no one else to ask? After all, home many 1 income, home schooling, catholic mothers of 8 do any of us know?
Examples of questions I get:
What does your home look like? (translates to: how do you organize everything in that teeny box?!)
How do you think blank situation of discipline should be handled? (tranlates to: my kid is driving me batty how the he** do you handle this multiplied times 4?!)
How do you buy groceries and can I see your kitchen? (I had 12 requests for this one!  )
I have no idea how this has come about. I have not asked anyone or offerred to give advice. Apparently others have been following my responses to others questions on the net and liked the answers enough to decide to ask me what I think of their situations.
I guess I thought all you ladies were asked for advice. I certainly ask you for advice time and again! I would like to be source of comfort to others though. So many are scared these days of having families...
So. If people sincerely ask you for advice, what do you do? Please tell me I am not too weird here.
I have no idea if I've made any sense at all. 
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Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
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Bridget
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Yes, yes, yes! I have a few friends who are ahead of me on the path of motherhood. Their children are turning out well and i so appreciate their advice and knowledge. We have to turn around and help those coming behind us if we can.
And I am glad when you chime in and give advice, Martha! You have good sense.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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rm4mrfrus
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I agree,
While we by no means have tons of children (6 and hoping for more), we are the largest family in our parish who is still open to life. There is one other family with 6 children but they make it well known that they will not be having anymore. We are asked all the time about all kinds of things. Add that to the fact that there is only one other homeschooling family in our parish and people think we have all the answers! I am asked most frequently about how we do bedtime, how we grocery shop, where we shop for clothes, how we budgeted on a cop's salary (dh used to be a cop) and now how we budget in general. We also get asked about how we get the kids to behave during Mass and how we "trained" our oldest son to be so reverent when he serves. And the biggest issue that everyone wants to know about of course is the openness to life and how we came to that way of thinking!
As Bridget said, I turn to my friends who are ahead of me on the Mommy path (so many of you wonderful ladies here!) and have done so well with their chidren and I hope to be of help to those behind me! I also love to see the times when the light clicks on in regards to openness to life.
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Hollee married to dh in 94,
ds(96), dd(97), ds(00), ds(02), ds(03) and dd(05)
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Martha
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| Posted: Dec 05 2006 at 10:35pm | IP Logged
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okay.. a bit lonely here...
When you kind ladies refer to friends with larger families.. do you mean IRL? Because I don't know ANYONE face-to-face with a family like mine, much less a bigger family than mine. I've heard rumors of one or 2, but I've never seen them. Closest I've come is a family of 7 that are way more spread out than mine (like 2 married!) and I don't really *know* them, I just kind of know they go to my church.
Am I out of the loop? Are you gals converging somewhere and I just don't know where or am I just out of luck?
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Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
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ALmom
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I don't get any questions on the internet - but I don't go anywhere but here. I do get questions in person - and yes I do feel like I should (and am more than willing) to do what I can. One thing that always helped me was to realize that the families I admired so much were not perfect every day. So many people think I am so patient and yet that is my worst trait - so I try to give them a peak into the good and the bad while being encouraging. And, like you said, I don't know it all, nor am I an expert - just another mom like you trying to be sensitive to the needs around me, trying to be unselfish in my responses - and sometimes failing but life doesn't end if you lose your cool or make a mistake - you start over again and learn to say sorry a lot! We are such a perfectionist culture - everything has to be perfect - perfect house, perfect children, best/perfect education, perfectly put together style wise, perfect health (or we aren't very useful, etc.). No wonder there is so much stress and fear of failure.
Janet
Janet
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Lisbet
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Martha, I am blessed to be in an area where I do know many larger families. We are the lone family here that is young with children so close in age though, most I know are older with a few children grown and gone. I do look to them for advice sometimes, but it's so different because while they have many children, they seem to have forgotten the day to day nitty gritty of life full of only littles. (and, they are, well, rich. and don't understand our financial struggles of living paycheck to paycheck.)
I do get asked for advice by several of my friends with smaller families. (most with 4 or 5 kiddos). And I do like to exchange ideas and give my perspective. I almost feel that it is our duty to do so in all charity and humility. Like you said, who else do we have to learn from these days? I am one of two children and my mother worked all the time. I have been flying by the seat of my pants for 12 years and 8 kids. I WISH someone would have shared with me the real scoop on this lifestyle when we were just starting out.
I have also recieved emails from mothers I don't even know saying they saw something in a post or blog somewhere and they were curious as to how our family_____? (insert grocery shops, does laundry, stacks bunkbeds, etc...)
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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Erin
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Martha,
I have been asked questions by IRL friends about different issues and I do feel that I have an obligation to share what tips I've gleaned via experience and from other mothers. As said who do we ask today? Once upon a time women asked their mothers and grandmothers now many are far from this network or their mothers are in the workforce. For many the first baby they have ever held is their own.
In turn I will ask advice from my dearest IRL friend who has 11 for tips, I will also ask tips from friends who say may be very good at being organised but not necessarily have more than me.
Has your friend never needed to ask for advice?
I feel for you being the only large family how difficult.
Lisbet wrote:
| I am one of two children and my mother worked all the time. I have been flying by the seat of my pants for 12 years and 8 kids. I WISH someone would have shared with me the real scoop on this lifestyle when we were just starting out. |
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Lisbet
I had no idea you were one of two, what a different lifestyle for you today. It must be a difficult adjustment at times, particularly the noise of many. Having a lot of children close in age is different to being spread out, my IRL friend has many either a yr apart or developmentally that close and it is different for her than it is for me as mine are spread apart further (2.3yrs apart on average.)
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Erin
Faith Filled Days
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rm4mrfrus
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Martha,
My very best friend (and ds's Gmother) since high school just had her 8th darling a few weeks ago. Most of her siblings have just as many (she herself is one of 10). Another son's Gparents is due the end of the month with #7, and her sister is due with #10 shortly also. We have several other friends with more than 6 too...so yes, I guess I am blessed to have several friends IRL who have more than me! (but remember, our family is on the small side comparitively) We no longer live really close to these friends but we used to and are still pretty tight and we visit and stuff still.
Come to VA! There's plenty of big families here! Just not in my neck of the woods!
I do feel lonely now that we are in a different area and we stick out like a sore thumb but if I ever go back to our old town, we're a dime a dozen it seems!
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Hollee married to dh in 94,
ds(96), dd(97), ds(00), ds(02), ds(03) and dd(05)
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MarieC
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Lisbet wrote:
| I do get asked for advice by several of my friends with smaller families. (most with 4 or 5 kiddos). |
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I'm one of these and I so appreciate Lisa's advice. It's really nice of her and you other ladies to share how you do it. I grew up with one sibling, 2 working parents and traditional school...I don't "get" how to do this lifestyle naturally--I need to see it in practice (or hear specifics).
I have had the experience of having moms of 3-4 children ask me how to do something and it does seem weird b/c I generally feel so incapable--I can't imagine why they'd ask me!
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Marie
mom to 6
dds-98, 00, 02 and 09 & dss-03 and 06
Out in the Orchard
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Martha
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well good then, it's nice to know I'm not as weird as I was beginning to think.
I agree the biggest pressure I feel is to let them know I am not perfect (IRL, my friends are very ware of this! ), but even more importantly they don't have to be perfect either.
My dh is an only child and, for all intent & purpose, I might as well be. I do understand, like Lisbet says, the feeling of flying by the seat of the pants. I really feel for young mothers these days. Many are very much alone and struggling. I have a great husband, but some don't even have that.
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Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
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Lisbet
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| Posted: Dec 07 2006 at 2:14pm | IP Logged
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Thanks Marie!
Erin, Yes, it is very had coming from such a small family myself. The hardest part isn't the noise and chaos, it's the lack of understanding from my parents and sibling about our family size. They don't 'get' it. And why on earth do I stay home - AND homeschool!! When I do ask my mother for advice, it's oftentimes "well, what can I say? You should've considered that before you had all those kids." 
The first baby I ever held was my son, I was 19 at the time.
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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Martha
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 I can't do/say anything w/o hearing "That's what you get for having so many!" What's really annoying? I've been hearing it since I was pregnant with our 3rd!
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Martha
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Yes, they're all ours!
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rose gardens
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Martha wrote:
| I agree the biggest pressure I feel is to let them know I am not perfect (IRL, my friends are very ware of this!), but even more importantly they don't have to be perfect either.... I really feel for young mothers these days. Many are very much alone and struggling. ... |
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I recently read a book on boys needing men to show them how to be men, and this thread came to my mind as a counter part for women. I think Martha's experience shows a need for young mothers to have experienced mothers with large families as mentors.
St. Paul writes somewhere advicing older Christian women to help young wives. I think you, Martha, do such a service when you answer questions from young mothers. As you wrote you don't know others with families like your family IRL, the women who write you probably don't either. They hear the call to serve their family and be open to life, but they don't know how to do it all. They see you willing answer their questions, so they ask. I get friends asking questions sometimes now, and I remember being on the other side being the one with the questions but not knowing who to ask.
I think it's beautiful that they ask, and more beautiful that you take the time to answer.
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juststartn
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Ladies, as a mom to 3 now, and 4 come June, I need the advice! My mom has already started the ABC "discussions" (three dc was permissible, as that is what she had...but no more)--more like harangues, but that is a whole other story, one I am sure most of you have heard many times before.
I know I cannot go to her for advice. Her comments already have been (with my 3 dds) "Well, you asked for it!". Gee, mom, I was asking you for help. I need more than snide comments! So I've just stopped calling and asking. It's not worth my stress and time. I have one IRL friend who has 4 now, and is expecting her 5th in March. Her dc are in the same age range as mine, so we are dealing with similar issues at the same time. There are not that many families in our parish with dc-much less a larger number. It's a small parish, and the priest is VERY pro-family. VERY, lol. However, it's just a small parish, with a lot of older couples. No one to go to for advice there.
And for those of us in this sort of situation, ya'll are the "older women" that the Scriptures talk about...teaching us how to love our DHs, raise our dc, etc. I believe it's in Titus somewhere, but I may be wrong about that...Titus 2, maybe? We know you aren't perfect, but we need to talk to someone who has btdt..and can give us helpful hints on how to set things up for a greater chance of success down the road.
I'm on a couple of boards where there are moms of 7,8, 10 etc. And it is so nice to have them give me some pointers. Even with "only" four, the challenges are different than they were a few years ago, when I "only" had two. And I know I need all of the advice I can get.
Thanks for making yourselves available. Sometimes, you "online" ladies are the only ones we can go to for advice.
Rachel
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: asking for advice & the giving of it
