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teachingmyown
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| Posted: Nov 12 2006 at 6:02pm | IP Logged
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I am hoping you all can help me with some fresh ideas to deal with some behavior issues I have going on.
First, my almost 5 yr old daughter: this child is very bright (already reading without my help!) but very stubborn. It is a look-you-in-the-eye stubbornness. You talk to her and she just looks at you. Doesn't respond or stop what she is doing. If she does stop, she gives you a look, not mean, more like "whatever" and walks away. The worse problem we have is that she will not leave the baby alone. Almost constantly, she is picking the baby up, usually when the baby is content where she is, walking around with her, trying to put her in and out of the crib, etc.
Talking doesn't work. Spanking doesn't either. I have tried time out. I have tried taking the view that a misbehaving child is an unhappy one and thus tried to fill up her emotional tank. I give her lots of hugs and cuddles and praise. Especially this week, after following Betsy Bruton's story, I have tried extra hard to meet her needs.
She is a funny, sweet girl. And she is a tough cookie. I hate being frustrated with her all the time. 
Any ideas?
Next is my almost 9 yr old son. This is my tender-hearted one. We had issues early on with aggression and wild behavior and have followed a modified Feingold diet with him. The issue right now is that he can't stand to lose or not do well. I really thought this was only a problem with video games and computer games. If he is playing one of these and losing, he screams and cries, to the point of coming to me weeping, broken-hearted that the computer is cheating. 
Yesterday, however, he was outside by himself playing basketball, practicing because this is his first year playing on a team. We could hear him wailing and yelling because he couldn't make the basket. Now, he wouldn't do this in a game, but at home he get so overwrought at his lack of control. I am not sure how to handle it, especially when it comes to basketball. Video games I limit and have made the rule that if I hear crying while he is playing then it means he needs a break.
Thanks for your help. My brain is too full to come up with new ideas. 
__________________
In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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Bridget
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| Posted: Nov 12 2006 at 6:33pm | IP Logged
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teachingmyown wrote:
First, my almost 5 yr old daughter: this child is very bright (already reading without my help!) but very stubborn. It is a look-you-in-the-eye stubbornness. You talk to her and she just looks at you. Doesn't respond or stop what she is doing. If she does stop, she gives you a look, not mean, more like "whatever" and walks away.
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Life has to stop for her until she gives you a polite response, "yes mom" and follows through on what your asking of her. That means life has to stop for you as you outlast her. Calmly. As long as it takes and as many sessions as it takes.
Tell her it is not good for her soul to be disobedient or disrespectful and you want to help her learn good habits. Tell her that obeying you now, will help her learn to obey God when she is older.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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shartlesville
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| Posted: Nov 12 2006 at 6:53pm | IP Logged
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Well I am not sure I have any specific ideas, but I can certainly relate to both problems.
Katie was exactly the same way at about that age. My mother even used to comment that she would not acknowledge you, she would just stare and then walk away. We never figured out why she acted that way, it was almost like she wasn't processing the information and once her concentration was broken concerning whatever she was doing, she just walked away from it. She eventually 'outgrew' it, but it probably wasn't until she was seven or eight.
Does she have a doll that she really likes?  Maybe a "baby" of her own would keep her occupied so she would leave the baby alone. Maybe for Christmas she could get a new baby or some new items for her baby.
I had a couple of mine that were extreme perfectionists;  if they couldn't do something perfectly they didn't want to do it. They would throw tantrums, cry, scream, throw their papers or projects in the trash, etc. It was hard to watch them be so hard on themselves. I would just keep reminding them that practice would help them get better but that no one (or very few people) are really good at anything without practicing. Everything takes time and effort.
Hopefully some of the other moms will have some good ideas for you. 
Blessings,
Krisann
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Krisann
DH Cris;
DC John, Elizabeth, Lilyann ^i^, Emily, Kate, Julia, Sam, & Jack;
DGC Kira, Auston, Travis, & Sarah.
My Blog: Isla del Esperanza
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SuzanneH
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| Posted: Nov 12 2006 at 7:03pm | IP Logged
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Dear Molly,
I have no words of wisdom. Indeed, I am looking forward to reading others' replies.
I have a 5-yr-old son who sounds very much like your daughter - bright, early reader, very stubborn. He also likes to pick up the baby, touch him constantly, etc. I could have written this post 
How do you discipline such a pistol?
Just wanted you to know I understand your frustration.
Suzanne
dh Matt, ds5,dd3, ds6wks and an Angel in Heaven
Whoops! I guess I wasn't suppposed to post here, seeing as I just have 3. Sorry!
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Rachel May
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| Posted: Nov 12 2006 at 7:52pm | IP Logged
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Bridget wrote:
| Life has to stop for her until she gives you a polite response, "yes mom" and follows through on what your asking of her. That means life has to stop for you as you outlast her. Calmly. As long as it takes and as many sessions as it takes. |
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I let Maria play with the baby, even when he is content, if she asks first. If he gets fussy, I calm him and ask her to give him a little break and they can play more later. One thing I like about it is that he is the one sibling who fully adores her and loves her unconditionally. She has set limits about what she may do: hand toys, talk to him, sing to him, hold or change clothes with permission, never stand or carry him.
Once as a punishment she was not allowed to play with him for the rest of the day. They were both very sad. He watched her all day jsut waiting for her to smile at him. She's been very good since then.
This book, Your Five Year Old: Sunny and Serene, was helpful to me. I just forgot about the stuff I didn't care about.
I also have a new mothering technique. I call it "embrace my cross, literally". It really does help me and whoever is feeling like a cross that day. Good luck!
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Rachel
Thomas and Anthony (10), Maria (8), Charles (6), Cecilia (5), James (3), and Joseph (1)
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teachingmyown
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| Posted: Nov 12 2006 at 9:42pm | IP Logged
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If she were gentle with the baby, I would encourage it. But she is careless and sometimes rough. I don't think it is meant to be mean or defiant, but I do think it is for attention.
All of my 4 yr olds have been the ones to have trouble adapting to a new baby. This time seems particularly hard. I think she is also struggling to define herself. She's #5, but the middle girl. She plays dolls and dress up with her 7 yr old, gentle sister, but I always sense an aggression in her that makes her play seem as if it isn't natural to her.
Bridget, I know you are right. But how do you stop the behavior during Mass, or when teaching geometry to an already surly 15 yr old?
I am wondering if it is partly my fault for failing to recognize her as an individual, seeing my younger ones as "the little girls" as though they are a group package.
I guess this is one of my worries with having many children.
__________________
In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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Bridget
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| Posted: Nov 13 2006 at 6:19am | IP Logged
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SuzanneH wrote:
Whoops! I guess I wasn't suppposed to post here, seeing as I just have 3. Sorry! |
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Jump in any time! Anyone can post here, the focus is on large families, but not restricted to large families.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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Bridget
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| Posted: Nov 13 2006 at 6:28am | IP Logged
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teachingmyown wrote:
Bridget, I know you are right. But how do you stop the behavior during Mass, or when teaching geometry to an already surly 15 yr old?
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You can't be consistent 100% of the time, you can only do your best. I try not to give instructions if I know I can't follow through properly and I don't think the instruction will be followed.
In a situation like schooling, you can have the 'project' child stand near you till they are ready to give you the polite answer. (don't let them sit, you don't want them to be too comfortable while your in an outlasting session.)
The key is to remember that you and the child are in this together, it's not you against them.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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BrendaPeter
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teachingmyown wrote:
Bridget, I know you are right. But how do you stop the behavior during Mass, or when teaching geometry to an already surly 15 yr old?
I am wondering if it is partly my fault for failing to recognize her as an individual, seeing my younger ones as "the little girls" as though they are a group package.
I guess this is one of my worries with having many children. |
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I'm not Bridget but I've been in this place before. I find that I struggle the most with disciplining my children when I have a lack of faith. I've learned that the best "remedy" is to firmly believe that God has given you & your husband all the necessary graces through the sacrament of holy matrimony to raise the children He has given you. That trust in Him gives us the confidence we need to do what He expects us to do.
Most moms who stop homeschooling do so because they have difficulties disciplining their children, not because of academics. Personally, this is the hardest job I've ever had (but also the most rewarding!). There is truly only one answer for all of us who walk this challenging path - Pray to become a saint! Then pray for your husband and children to become saints. The good God may not give us our every earthly desire but that is one prayer request He won't refuse.
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Blessings,
Brenda (mom to 6)
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Willa
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Dear Molly,
I think I read in a Ray Guarendi book that discipline doesn't have to "work", ie completely solve the problem, to be good discipline. In other words, you may well be getting through just by out-consistencizing her, in the long run.
Your ways of dealing with her sound like the ones I would use. I'd especially make sure I got some good, happy time with her just so I could remember how much I really love her.
I would take away baby-holding or baby-playing privileges temporarily whenever she isn't careful. Make a simple set of rules -- perhaps specific locations in the room where the baby is available to be touched and places where she isn't. Some kids need things to be very specific.
I feel like Krisann about the blank stare because I had a couple of those who didn't process verbally very easily -- they had trouble changing tracks. It wasn't just disobedience though I don't doubt they would have listened more carefully if they *wanted* to hear. I used a lot more physical cues with those kids.... looking them in the eyes, holding them by the shoulders, making sure they registered and responded "OK" or "yes mama". They needed help to change mental tracks.
Oh, I know everything is so much harder with a new baby -- and wonderful too, but different and it takes everyone time to get used to the differences !
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AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Discipline ideas for tired mom
