| Author | |
amyable
Forum All-Star
Joined: March 07 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3798
|
| Posted: Nov 02 2006 at 7:10am | IP Logged
|
 |
|
You'd think I'd know these things after 4 kids...
At what age can you start expecting a toddler to listen and obey? My dd will be 18 months in a few days. She is pretty verbal, and seems to understand many things, but really could care less about doing what I ask, or more importantly, STOP doing what she shouldn't when I tell her to...you know, those times when your hands are gross with raw meat or something and the 18 month old starts climbing on the table to get the knives laid out for dinner, or she just won't stop touching the messy diaper area as you are struggling to clean it...although this seems to happen here much more than just the occasional!
Now, it's obvious to me that I've NEVER been good at instilling good habits, right from my first child, who balked at every type of direction/command and still does. As she goes so go the rest of them, although their personalities don't bring it to the same extreme.
How young is too young to expect obedience? What do you DO to your 18mo+ old to get them to understand you mean business? I know this can get to be a hot topic, but I'm open to listening to all sides presented. I want to be gentle, but I expect obedience also. Is there a way to do this at this age??
I try to think how would Mary do this? But Jesus was sinless. Don't you think that once he *understood* "no", he listened??
Before I start rambling any more, I'll just say HELP! Any advice on the subject of toddlers, twos, and habits and obedience welcome.
(Editing this to add: as soon as I got of the computer, I realized what bothers me the most -- because she graciously showed me -- is that even when I tell her 15 times to stop something, and gently move her hand away, she keeps going right for said thing, until she is in tears and I am starting to get loud and more forceful. I don't want to be this way, but I can't let her just throw or smack everything around all day - she's a wild one, lol! And I can't always completely stop what I am doing to get her interested in something else. Usually she is only interested in what I am doing anyway! OK, I'm done, lol)
__________________
Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
amyable
Forum All-Star
Joined: March 07 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3798
|
| Posted: Nov 02 2006 at 7:22am | IP Logged
|
|
|
No, I'm not done  I would also love to hear from you on what would constitute "meaningful work" for this age -- and what other things are good to occupy a not yet 2yo. I think this would go a long way towards reining in her distructive tendencies. Thanks. Now I'm *really* done. 
__________________
Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Patty LeVasseur
Forum Pro
Joined: Jan 28 2005
Location: Ohio
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 238
|
| Posted: Nov 02 2006 at 9:46am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Amy,
Chores that I like for the really littles are playing trash man by having them run through the house collecting the small trash cans and emptying into a larger trash can. (I take the kitchen trash can upstairs for them, but let them run from room to room.) The other job is hide-and-seek with the shoes. They get to run through the house and try to find all the shoes that are missing from the shoe rack. This is a great game to play when you are trying to get through school work with the olders. Plus it makes the mad rush to get out of the house go so much smoother.
I have no advice on how to get an 18 month old to listen. The phrase 18 months sends shivers down my spine.  Never noticed the "terrible twos" however. Maybe you could try saying what you want her to do and not what you don't want her to do. Like if she goes to grab the dirty diaper you could say, "Honey, could you please get mommy the wipes."
__________________
Patty
mom to four blessings
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Willa
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 28 2005
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3881
|
| Posted: Nov 02 2006 at 10:43am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Patty LeVasseur wrote:
| Maybe you could try saying what you want her to do and not what you don't want her to do. Like if she goes to grab the dirty diaper you could say, "Honey, could you please get mommy the wipes." |
|
|
My mom and my kids and husband are good at this -- redirecting the toddler. I have learned to improve through the past 20 years of mothering. Charlotte Mason recommends distraction even for adults trying to train their own wills and actually some saints like Francis de Sales advise you to do this too. Rather than confront the issue head-on, which is exhausting and often unproductive especially with the littlest wannabe Rulers of the Universe, you try to change the scenario.... move it up a level or completely to another territory.
I try to pull in all my good feelings about the child when we're fighting these battles. They ARE so cute and the opposition stage is necessary and positive.
Also, sometimes they do things to get attention, even the negative attention.
I think that when the children show this kind of spirit it often dredges up dim memories of one's own past and how one's parents dealt with it. So you find yourself feeling disproportionate anger and fear when the little tiny person resists. At least, this happened to me a fair amount when I was younger.
So for me, "breathers" are helpful too -- pulling back from the situation and praying and trying to think of how to make it a positive thing -- so the child actually saves face by obeying. I don't know if I'm making sense and obviously I don't always do this, especially when I had a houseful of littlies all doing this, but when I know that I am getting locked in, I know it's even more likely that the small toddler is even more locked in that me since she (or he for most of mine) is so much less experienced in handling his feelings.
So I guess I am saying that I think beyond the little infractions that toddlers get involved in, I am trying to train them to deal positively with their time and energy.
If there is one thing that happens again and again (like when Aidan used to pull out toilet paper and string it all over the bathroom) I guess I usually try to make the temptation unavailable until they're past that irrational age -- close the bathroom or put the TP out of reach. I think I am sometimes a bit lazy here but there's usually so many more important battles to fight and those kinds of temptations are so developmental and minor, really, that I don't want to spend energy fighting about something that won't be an issue in 6 months.
__________________
AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SaraP
Forum All-Star
Joined: Dec 15 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 531
|
| Posted: Nov 02 2006 at 11:05am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Quote:
| How young is too young to expect obedience? What do you DO to your 18mo+ old to get them to understand you mean business? |
|
|
I think 18 months is too young to expect obedience, because obedience involves a lot more than just understanding what 'no' means - it also involves a fair amount of self-discipline or impulse control and that is something almost entirely lacking in a toddler. Somewhere between 3 and 4 is where, in my fairly limited experience, they start to be able to stop themselves from doing something they really want to do or make themselves do something that they would rather not do because mom or dad asked them to.
With an 18 month old I think all you can do is outsmart them. Don't put the knives out until you are ready to sit down for dinner, put the TP out of reach, give her something else fascinating to hold while you change her (a long strip of masking tape works here), confine her in a relatively childproof room or a playpen when you need to do something that makes you really unable to grab her if she gets into mischief.
I think Willa is right about 'breathers' also. My second DS is a wild one and at that age I made very liberal use of a playpen in the kitchen when he just wouldn't stop [insert destructive behavior here], couldn't be distracted and I was about to blow a fuse. Being able to plop him down somewhere safe and contained and walk away for a few minutes made a huge difference.
__________________
Mama to six on earth, two in heaven and two waiting in Russia. Foxberry Farm Almanac
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Willa
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 28 2005
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3881
|
| Posted: Nov 02 2006 at 11:24am | IP Logged
|
|
|
amyable wrote:
| No, I'm not done I would also love to hear from you on what would constitute "meaningful work" for this age -- and what other things are good to occupy a not yet 2yo. I think this would go a long way towards reining in her distructive tendencies. Thanks. Now I'm *really* done. |
|
|
I was thinking of asking this question, too.
A lot of times my preschoolers seem to just sort of drift through the day. I get busy with the older ones and forget to include the littlies. They survive all right but I think it's not the best. I suppose the MOntessori forum might have some suggestions but I wonder how you all structure your little ones' days, IF you do. Not in the sense of a rigid structure but so that the days flowed in a meaningful way for them.
See I have 7 kids and still have plenty of questions!
__________________
AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
stefoodie
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 17 2005
Location: Ohio
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 8457
|
| Posted: Nov 02 2006 at 12:56pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I think 18 months is a bit too young for some of the things you expect. As far as keeping toddlers busy, when I only had two kids I kept a list on the door -- a LOOONG one, something like 25-30 items -- ideas of what I could have the toddler do when they get antsy. At 18 months though my babies were usually clingy still to mom so I just had them with me all the time -- nursing, hugging, dancing, reading, napping, etc. Now that my "toddler" is almost 5 I have a list, sort of, of 25 things that I could try when she needs something (painting, playing in the tub with a bit of water and some toys, playing at the sink, playdough, blocks, "washing dishes", doing laundry with mom, "vacuuming", etc. -- but usually she just wants to do what the others are doing, so when we do copywork, she does copywork too, or when we're reading quietly, she'll listen to an audiobook. When we work on our history projects she works on one too, even though she doesn't understand a lot of it or even what the goal is.
I do give allowances for those times when she absolutely needs mom and nothing and nobody else will do. That's when I tend to stop everything and just hug her or read her a book, etc.
Re habits and obedience -- I don't have many answers. We just keep trying, over and over and over, each day. Some days are better than others:).
__________________
stef
mom to five
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
ShawnaB
Forum Pro
Joined: Nov 05 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 377
|
| Posted: Nov 02 2006 at 2:26pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Amy, I relate to your dilemma. And while I think that expecting obedience from a toddler is not a realistic goal, it is worthwhile to work towards obedience as a future goal. I do tell our toddlers "no". I praise them profusely when they listen (which is not that often.) I am constantly talking to them, narrating what they are doing, and giving them directions. For example, "Oh, you have the ball. Can you roll it? Jillian is wearing a hat. Put that on Jonathan's head. Can you put that back in the drawer?" Its really amazing what they do understand and respond to.
In general, we babyproof as much as possible to avoid conflicts. One half of our school space is baracaded. The entire family room is fenced. However, there are still conflicts that cannot be avoided. For example, throwing food on the floor from their highchairs. I warn once, holding their hands firmly and telling them "no throwing food." The next offense results is a quick "All done." Tray is removed, face wipes and promptly put in the fenced family room. If they haven't eaten much, I'll usually give them a 2nd go after a bit.
Climbing the couches and standing on the arms is our current conflict, and I haven't found a bright solution, save removing all the furniture from "their" room. Dh says absolutely not! They drag toys over to use as a "step" for climbing. Cute, but dangerous!
As for meaningful activity, assigning my ds, age 6, for "learning playtime" has been very successful. I have him get out one or two Montessori style manipulative toys and play with them. Their favorite are the nesting/stacking cubes. He builds a tower (with their help, they love to bring him the cubes) and they knock it down. Over and over again. They also love the wooden shape sorter, the stacking rings, and our set of little tikes tracks with chubby wheeled cars. They of course LOVE for me to play with them in the pretend kitchen...its meaningful, but full-on mommy directed.
__________________
Shawna, wife of Jacob, mom to Abraham 8 Amelia 5 and Jillian & Jonathan age 3 years http://www.psalm121family.com
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
ShawnaB
Forum Pro
Joined: Nov 05 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 377
|
| Posted: Nov 02 2006 at 2:36pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
PS: Regarding the messy diaper touching....
This makes me crazy!
A friend taught me what she calls the "Toddler Take-Down Manuever." Change toddler on the floor. You sit at her feet with your legs extended in a V-shape on either side of her body. When she refuses to stop grabbing that diaper (tell her not to touch first of course), you simply slip her arms under the calves of your legs, and voila, baby is pinned and you still have your hands free. You may only have to do a time or two before she realizes that grabbing the messy diaper is just not an option!
__________________
Shawna, wife of Jacob, mom to Abraham 8 Amelia 5 and Jillian & Jonathan age 3 years http://www.psalm121family.com
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
amyable
Forum All-Star
Joined: March 07 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3798
|
| Posted: Nov 02 2006 at 3:10pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Thank you for all the great advice so far. I think by "expecting obedience" I mean I say "NO" to certain things, especially dangerous ones --but because she is so young, I know she can't seem to obey, yet I don't want her to develop the habit of thinking she can do whatever she wants when I say something. Which kind of left me in a quandry, and when in a quandry, I post here. I am often in a quandry.
She's a very active toddler, and her favorite activities are opening drawers and throwing contents out, or pulling books off shelves, etc. We live in a small but open house, and there always seems to be things she can get into. Not necessarily hurt herself with, but destroy...
I guess I should get the playpen back out, but she'd be in it constantly if I wanted to stop her "search and destroy" behavior, lol. I'm sure it's better than her having to watch my head spin around and explode! 
Thanks again for your thoughts so far!
__________________
Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Philothea
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 15 2006
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 824
|
| Posted: Nov 02 2006 at 7:35pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
WJFR wrote:
So for me, "breathers" are helpful too -- pulling back from the situation and praying and trying to think of how to make it a positive thing -- so the child actually saves face by obeying. I don't know if I'm making sense and obviously I don't always do this, especially when I had a houseful of littlies all doing this, but when I know that I am getting locked in, I know it's even more likely that the small toddler is even more locked in that me since she (or he for most of mine) is so much less experienced in handling his feelings.
|
|
|
Can you give me a practical, concrete example of how you do this? I don't think I understand what you're saying here, but it sounds good and I have struggled with anger toward my little guy. I could sure use a "how-to" from a more experienced mom.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Philothea
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 15 2006
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 824
|
| Posted: Nov 02 2006 at 7:49pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
amyable wrote:
Thank you for all the great advice so far. I think by "expecting obedience" I mean I say "NO" to certain things, especially dangerous ones --but because she is so young, I know she can't seem to obey, yet I don't want her to develop the habit of thinking she can do whatever she wants when I say something. Which kind of left me in a quandry, and when in a quandry, I post here. I am often in a quandry.
She's a very active toddler, and her favorite activities are opening drawers and throwing contents out, or pulling books off shelves, etc. We live in a small but open house, and there always seems to be things she can get into. Not necessarily hurt herself with, but destroy...
I guess I should get the playpen back out, but she'd be in it constantly if I wanted to stop her "search and destroy" behavior, lol. I'm sure it's better than her having to watch my head spin around and explode!
Thanks again for your thoughts so far!
|
|
|
Are cabinet/drawer locks an option? Once our DS realized he couldn't open his favorite kitchen cabinet doors, he just sort of lost interest in doing it for a while. By the time he realized they're not ALL locked up (we only locked the dangerous/breakable stuff away), he was old enough to understand "no." He still opens them when he thinks I'm not looking, but he knows he's not supposed to do it and all it takes is saying "no" firmly while directing him away to get him to stop.
As for the bookshelves, I know people who have taped cardboard over the openings for the 18-24 month stage when they're mobile but not really communicative. Ugly, but functional. I just made sure that the only thing on shelves he could reach was his own stuff (board books, toys, etc.). He still made a mess, but at least he didn't break anything.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
kathleenmom
Forum Pro
Joined: March 09 2005
Location: South Carolina
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 348
|
| Posted: Nov 02 2006 at 10:47pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Ahhhh...Amy, so often I read your posts and just continue in lurkdom even though I feel like your long lost sister separated at birth. I am certain I could have written your post verbatim if I could just exchange a "he" for a "she".
Instilling good habits. Hmmm. I really feel like a failure in this department as well. I just left an out-of-state visit to my mom's house a day early. To condense: we hardly ever see her, we all eagerly anticipated the visit, and it was an unmitigated disaster. My children could not have misbehaved in more varied and numerous ways if they had set their clever little minds to it as a challenge. Let me add that I am 25 weeks pregnant, my DH did not accompany, my toddler just weaned and my mom has low tolerance for noise and chaos. Sigh. I could really digress, but I'll try to remain on the toddler topic. Sigh.
He is an absolute ball of fire. He is waaaay more willful than any of his predecessors. He is also funny and charming and cheerful, but ooooh, stand back when he doesn't get his way. I get a fair amount of the dirty diaper shenanigans, the toilet paper house rolling, the climbing of furniture and breaking of crockery, the flinging of food from the table, the removal of all food from the refrigerator every time a sibling gives him entry. He also refuses to nap, refuses to be put in the car seat and any time he is told "no", he not only responds by failing to acquiesce, but he hits, pulls hair, bites and scratches. In a word, he's realllly pushing my angry buttons. I've done toddlers before. They've all been firecrackers. However, none of them have responded with this level of physical escalation. In a word, he hurts me. This makes it difficult for me to keep the warm fuzzy thoughts at the fore of my thinking.
Let me add that while my house is a rollicking one with a fair amount of sibling squabbling and all of that, the older children do not really engage in all that much physical disagreeing. They don't hit and they certainly don't do it to him. My dh and I don't spank or slap. However, I have found myself losing my patience with him and feeling my head reaching maximum pressure tolerance on a more and more regular basis. When he engages in these behaviours I very sternly say "no" and put him down. If that doesn't work and he pursues me (recently, he followed me and bit me in the behind!), then I carry him to the pack n play and leave him there for a couple of minutes.
He hits and scratches his siblings. He pulls their hair. My hands and arms are covered in scabs and scars. It's terrible. I try and keep the fingernails trimmed. I try and wear long sleeves and highish collars.
I guess I'm not going to be much help to you, Amy. I'm sort of looking for some inspiration here as well. I knew what you meant by "obedience" incidentally. I don't expect my 18 mo. old to tow the line, but I would like to not be mauled when trying to put him into the carseat.
Let me also add, that we are attachment parents. We cosleep and he just weaned a little earlier than I'd like because of the pregnancy. He still gets carted around in a sling and a Mei-Tai daily (however, if it doesn't please him....he'll scratch me). I've thought about the weaning...which was pushed more on my side than I like. When my milk supply dwindled, he started to chew and I didn't have enough milk to put him to sleep anymore anyway. We were both so frustrated. I've wondered about some anger from that source, but all of these agressive behaviours preceded the weaning.
I know that if I had more energy (read not pregnant and less lazy by nature), I'd be more pro-active and better at problem solving. I don't think of clever things like a piece of masking tape to play with during diaper changes. I don't come up with clever ways to redirect his behaviour. I just lose my patience and seethe.
I appreciate all of the good advice you've been getting Amy and am anxiously awaiting more.
Fondly,
Kathleen
__________________
DH Daniel, Sophia Brigid (97), Russell Powers (99), Honoria Jane (02), John Patrick (05), Brigid Mary Feb. 24, 2007!
AMDG Academy
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
amyable
Forum All-Star
Joined: March 07 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3798
|
| Posted: Nov 03 2006 at 5:31am | IP Logged
|
|
|
LOL Kathleen, we do seem to lead very similar lives! My toddler does not sound as "injuring" as yours, but my others (who for girls are quite physical when they get angry - which seems to be often!) may make up for that. We have children born in the same years too, except I have an early '03 where you have an '02. 
After reading this, I got up and noticed the pack 'n' play wrapped up in the corner, and for a second, thought I'd get it out today and use it for the containment factor. Then I remembered! The reason it was put away is that it *doesn't* contain her. She has learned to scale the sides and fall out in a heap. It looks painful, but it doesn't stop her from doing it again. Looks like constant prayer to her guardian angel may be my only recourse! 
In rereading my initial post, I gave the extreme examples, but honestly, I'm a lot more proactive than leaving knives out early on in dinner prep . But she is so fast, that if I open the dishwasher and grab some things to put away, as soon as I've turned around she is in there. I'll give her something safe to put away, but she is just as likely to "throw" that safe thing to grab the plate or glass in front of her. That is what is so frustrating - I'm being as quick and proactive as I can muster, and she is quicker. She opens a drawer, I close it and say "no". While I'm cleaning up what she dumped out of it and trying to hold other ones closed with my knee and big toe, she finds the one place she can get in, and does so. Or she runs completely away and finds the crayons my other children left out and is coloring the house in the 3 seconds it takes for me to clean up. 
I think my older children may be a large part of the problem - my oldest especially is very forgetful, and things are "left out" all day, bathroom doors left open, etc. (it's another example in our household of bad habits, but I try and try, and the good habits just aren't sticking! I'm so excited that the "habit" chapters are coming up on A Full Life: The Works of Charlotte Mason because I really need some help!!  )
It also doesn't help that we don't have enough drawers in this house to contain what we own, so things have a way of being left on table tops, desk tops, etc. They are just now reachable by the toddler and she gets into all THAT too. I want a diningroom sideboard/hutch thing, but it always takes us forever to make a furniture purchase, not through lack of suggesting on my part, lol!!
Thanks again, ladies.
__________________
Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Angel
Forum All-Star
Joined: April 22 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2293
|
| Posted: Nov 03 2006 at 2:43pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Well, I just posted my Double Trouble post about my 13 mo old twin boys. They're fast, too, and there are two of them. (just now I had to get up and remove them from the wood stove -- not lit!!! -- again. That stupid gate we're ordering can't come fast enough. Ashes are everywhere.) The thing with the dishwasher... they both *love* the dishwasher. No one can unload or load the dishwasher when they're around. This is a problem, because they never sleep. Last night I got so desperate that I buckled them both in their carseats so I could pick up their toys before bed!
They're not even walking. We have made some improvements lately, mostly dealing with the forgetfulness of the older kids in closing the door to the hallway. The big kids' rooms are down that way, and when they leave the door open, the babies can crawl down there and get into all sorts of small things that they've carelessly left out. When we found one of the babies with a tiny little Playmobil cup in his mouth, *that* really sobered up the other kids! They've been wonderful about closing the door since then, but it still makes me mad it had to come to a near miss (I think his guardian angel must have tapped me on the arm with that one.)
Otherwise, I try to use distraction when I can, and I try to be really consistent... no, you cannot pull Mommy's hair when she picks you up, so I will have to put you down every single time you do that... not that it really seems to sink in, but one day!!! I have hopes. I keep removing "stuff", too, but I can't take *everything* out of the house.
And when I get really desperate, I put them in their high chairs with cheerios or a spoon to play with. That keeps them happy for about 3 seconds, but at least they aren't destroying anything!!!
--Angela
Mom to 3+2
Three Plus Two
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Willa
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 28 2005
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3881
|
| Posted: Nov 08 2006 at 8:23pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Philothea wrote:
| Can you give me a practical, concrete example of how you do this? I don't think I understand what you're saying here, but it sounds good and I have struggled with anger toward my little guy. I could sure use a "how-to" from a more experienced mom. |
|
|
I take a deep breath and pray before I act when I feel that rage.
I use playpens or cribs to put the child until I can get calm.
Sometimes I pick up the child and remove both of us to another location quickly since often that changes the track for both of us. Say the toddler is banging on my keyboard. If I take him off into the kitchen and we make breakfast, I replace a potential bad moment with a good one, which increases his morale and makes his attitude more committed to obedience in the long run.
That's for the times when I know I'm not going to be able to deal constructively. It gives me a respite until the anger is diminished a bit.
If I can still think straight I will try the distraction type methods. Some of my kids have been more distractable than others. My husband can usually move the potential squabble to a game even before the child realizes it's a squabble. I have much less adaptability in this area than he does. But maybe it works out for the best since I think children benefit from learning to work with less-than-perfect parents.
My special needs child really had many, many behavior issues when he was younger. Especially in high stress places like waiting rooms and church. I learned that some sensory type exercises helped him -- like putting him upside down for a moment or two -- not as a punishment -- he loved it and it calmed him down. Bouncing worked too and wrapping him closely.
I really struggled with anger management in my earlier days as a mom. Still do, if I don't make a conscious decision daily not to let things get to me.
A priest told me to pray for vocations whenever I lost it -- my temper, I mean -- and I did this countless times.
None of this sounds wonderfully inspired but all together they cut back on the episodes. My problem was that I subliminally thought I had a RIGHT to get angry because the child was so irritating. When I gave up that right, I found I could short-circuit the irritation before it got out of hand.
Writing this out is a bit humbling. I had forgotten what a big issue this used to be and still is in short spurts, but it's gotten easier as the kids have gotten older. I hope it is practical and concrete enough; it seems a bit vague to me as I look back over it.
One other thing I've done is to make lists of things that really bother me deeply and consistently, like Shawna's example of the toddlers grabbing at the mess when their diapers are being changed. And then thinking of some effective solution that DOESN'T involve hoping that they will actually listen to me -- like her Take Down Maneuver -- which I do but never had a name for before now.
__________________
AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
humanaevitae
Forum Pro
Joined: May 31 2005
Location: Minnesota
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 411
|
| Posted: Nov 09 2006 at 12:36am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I try to gauge their maturity level by seeing if they are open to bribery. If the toddler will give me something they want in exchange for candy, will come to me after I call from another room with the promise of a treat, or stop the misbehaving because I will give them some m&m's, I figure they are old enough to start being trained in obedience.
I have high-energy, passionate, persistant children. I'm still waiting for the quiet observing type child but I'm starting to have my doubts it will ever happen. Even my youngest who spends most of his day legally blind is a go-getter.
It doesn't normally work for my toddlers to be in the kitchen so we have a huge gate that blocks off that area. Yes he cries sometimes and then siblings must try to amuse him if they want dinner sometime soon. I don't feel too bad because it really just keeps him safe. The gate looks ugly but has been a huge help to my sanity!
I am very vigilant about keeping doors closed and my children have learned that if they leave a door open and toddler makes a mess, they have to clean it up. Yes, they spend a lot of time cleaning!
If a toilet gets plugged because toddler put too much toilet paper in the toilet and flushed it, the time it takes me to plunge/clean up comes out of our family fun time at night. They may not have been the one who left the door open but they probably walked by the open door and didn't think to shut it. My older ones are much more observent now.
By heavy gating and door closing, this leaves the toddler only the baby-proofed rooms (as much as they can be!). This cuts down on the amount of no's I have to say. These rooms are the ones we spend most of our time in. (family room, toy area, and a long hallway)
When he was 18M I probably had him sit on my lap for a timeout when he misbehaved and wouldn't stop (pulling hair, etc...). I would count to 10 and then let him up. I would try to cuddle him or distract him. However if he did it again, he would be back on my lap, away from me, restrained by a firm arm hold for another 10 count.
My youngest ds is 21M and has great comprehension and decent verbal skills. Now I put him in a playpen when he misbehaves. Yes, he gets out. I put him back in. This continues (you don't want to know how long ) until he stays in the playpen, waiting until I say he can get out. (I normally let him out as soon as he stays in) If I am consistent in this, my toddlers will all stay in a timeout by 2 1/2.
When my temper is simmering or I realise he is too tired/hungry/bad environment I make it much shorter. Let's say he decided to throw a block across the room after you asked him not to and now he won't pick it up- I firmly grasp his hand and "help" him pick it up telling him "Good job for picking up the block". Most of the time this will infuriate him and he'll want to leave the area. This allows him time to cool off.
Training for obedience is hard because it is soooo time-consuming! I keep trying to remember that you either pay now and you will pay later!
Sorry for writing a book but I think I needed a reminder myself!
add-on...I use to be so jealous of moms who had toddlers that stayed close to them and didn't trash things. However that is just not my child. I did not make him this way, his exploring nature is part of the personality God gave him. Other moms at the park may be able to chat while they watch their little ones play but I will always have to be chasing mine away from the road or the fire pole.
I try not to get angry and take it personal. My child doesn't want to listen to me because he is confident that his way is better. Dare I say, God could say the same about me sometimes! 
When I write in next week about my toddler, I hope all you ladies will give me a good pep talk too!
__________________
Nicole-Zane 10, Elizabeth 7, Xavier 4, and John Patrick 2
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
mary
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 17 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 691
|
| Posted: Nov 09 2006 at 7:18am | IP Logged
|
|
|
stefoodie wrote:
| As far as keeping toddlers busy, when I only had two kids I kept a list on the door -- a LOOONG one, something like 25-30 items -- ideas of what I could have the toddler do when they get antsy. |
|
|
thank you for this reminder. i keep planning to do this but get side-tracked with all the other daily minutia. and then, the toddler, feeling squeezed in the attention department with a new baby, will take neg attention over no attention. i look back and realize that when my oldest was this age, i gave him so much attention. and now, with a new baby and the older kids needing school time and the unending housework, the toddler gets less and less.
and willa, i so appreciate what you said about giving up the right to be angry. my that's hard when you are picking up all the beads that have been deliberately thrown on the floor. but it doesn't really help the situation at all.
i think in need to read my hidden power of kindness book and rethink my day to include more time for my toddler.
thanks amy for this post!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Toddlers and habits, obedience
