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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Sept 19 2006 at 3:32pm | IP Logged
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Are there ways to set teens up for success using Instant Messaging (IM)? Have you, as a parent, had success setting up agreements with your teen about how it is to be used and/or not used, sharing possible pitfalls, etc.? I understand that not using IM is an option. Yet, I would like to explore using this tool with a teen who has proved to be responsible in general and online in particular.
I've only IMd a few times myself so want to gather some good information from those more informed. Thanks!
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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teachingmyown
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One thing to watch out for is the expanding of the circle of "friends". We have had to fight this battle. They start out chatting with real friends, then friends of friends, then virtual strangers that have somehow made it on the list. When asked about it, we get answers like "Oh, that is so-and-so's cousin's next-door neighbor's best friend. He's cool". 
So a good ground rule is that they need to actually KNOW the person with whom they are chatting. It may be hard for them to understand because they see us chatting with people we don't know IRL, but I just explain that we are the adults and have more experience. Besides, other than trusted places like here, I don't chat or divulge personal information to anyone.
I have heard others put the condition that the kids have to use proper grammar instead of falling into the habit of all the abbreviations and such. We didn't go there.
Good luck!
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Willa
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We don't use IM anymore. My kids didn't get much enjoyment out of it. But when we did have it: they kept the buddy list small and personal, they didn't use the silly abbreviations, and they used my computer in my room with the provision that I was free to look over their shoulder or read the transcripts. (Most of the time I didn't actually do that, but I was usually around).
Some of the pitfalls we discussed were --
--wasting time
--corrupting your written style
--the attention-drain (how you end up chatting while surfing or talking to more than one person at the same time)
They never used it enough to really get into those pitfalls. I think the time-eating, attention-draining and sort of superficial aspect was what ended up making it seem unrewarding after a while. (not that it couldn't be a useful communication media -- it just didn't work very well for us) We ended up taking it off the computer.
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Willa
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mumofsix
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I would strongly agree that control of the buddy list is probably the most important restriction - that and limiting the total amount of time spent as IM can become quite addictive.
The main pitfalls are being linked through friends of friends etc. to undesirable characters, and becoming obsessed and thereby spending too much time and/or being very grumpy about restrictions. If a child can accept time restrictions cheerfully, that is probably a good indication that they are not addicted or obsessed with the medium.
My son got into difficulties with this so we have discouraged our daughter from using it. (My children may need more careful guidance than yours though.) She accepts this and has found other ways to stay connected with friends.
Hth!
Jane.
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Erin
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| Posted: Sept 20 2006 at 1:21am | IP Logged
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WJFR wrote:
Some of the pitfalls we discussed were --
--wasting time
--corrupting your written style
--the attention-drain (how you end up chatting while surfing or talking to more than one person at the same time) |
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At present we are hsing my little sister (14). She is very much into IM and so are many of the hsers we know. Much as I dislike it I realise for us it is here to stay and I have to teach lil, sis. how to manage it correctly.
Willa's list of pitfalls is spot on, time limits particularly have to be set and enforced. As also mentioned a big problem are the unknown kids who end up on the chats. The friend of a friend etc. If your dd is a good kid she may well be amenable to following your stipulations
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stefoodie
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No friends of friends here, except a couple that we have confirmed actually know people we already know, and I continue to monitor.
One hour computer time in the evenings (aside from schoolwork during the daytime), and Aisa uses this time judiciously -- sometimes she chooses not to chat/IM. I also reserve the right to peek in whenever I want to, and I cannot be told that she "needs privacy"; I often do this and "say hi" to people she's chatting with. The PC/my laptop is in full view all the time of anyone/everyone in the room.
When she first began with IM I had to monitor that list carefully as there was the temptation to include any person she knew that had an e-mail/IM address. I had to tell her to ban a few people that I didn't want her communicating with. One indicator was people with weird names, e.g., flirt0152, suchatease (can't believe the names these girls come up with), etc.
We've had problems but they were with people we already knew (relatives) who were not necessarily good influences to our child -- got so bad that at one point I demanded access to all e-mail, chat logs and snail mail. One aunt closer to her age was encouraging her to hide things from us. That I could not tolerate. She still chats with said aunt but rarely now.
Devin is a very sensible child, Angie, I'm sure you'll both find a way for her to use IM fruitfully.
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lapazfarm
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I think of IM as being similar to the telephone. For my dd (16) it's just a way for friends to chat and be silly and all. She is very trustworthy so restrictions for her are similar to phone use. Homework and chores must be done first. And she is to be off by a reasonable hour. The computer (mine is the only one with internet) is in plain view, so I don't worry about what she is saying or who she is chatting with because I can see it easily. Plus she has to vacate the computer if someone has a more legitimate need for it (like checking email or doing schoolwork or etc.) She doesn't balk at this at all. She is like your teen in that she has always proven to be responsible and trustworthy so I don't feel the need to impose further restrictions on her. As long as she self-regulates, then it will stay that way.
About the slang writing- this doesn't bother me at all as I have seen no crossover to dd's regular writing. She is an excellent writer and has won several essay contests, so no problem there either for us.
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| Posted: Sept 20 2006 at 8:35pm | IP Logged
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hi Mrs. Mc, mom suggested that i chime in... so i'll just throw out things here as i think of them...
first, i'd like to say that i think that YM is the safest.
one of the reasons that i say that because of the settings in terms of contacts. you see, on yahoo, you're notified when someone adds you to their list; they have to send you a request that you have to approve before your screen name is added. if they don't approve it, you're not able to see if they're online or not, so if anyone were to add devin, and she didn't approve their request, they wouldn't be able to see if she's online anyway. as opposed to AIM, you're not notified when someone adds you to their list. i can't remember how it is on MSN/WM, because i haven't used it in ages, so i can't say anything about that.
another reason is that on YM, there aren't any links or adds to random chat rooms. when you download AIM onto your computer, there is a list of all these different chat rooms discussing different things, people, books, anything. obviously, you wouldn't purposely click on any of these, but just the subjects are sometimes offensive. reason being, anyone, anyone at all, can start a public chat room, and it's not like anybody monitors the language on those.
(note: i do use AIM. but i don't download it into the computer; i use AIM express so that the list of chat rooms isn't there. the only annoying thing about using AIM express is that one can't go invisible, and because anyone can add you to their list and you aren't notified, this is kind of annoying, because i can only block people that i'm aware of; i can't block someone if i don't know that they're on my list!)
umm i guess, what i'm trying to get at is, in general, YM definitely has better settings. they're a bit more advanced, like with stealth settings, and as i've said, the notifications. and the nice thing about it is, YM is more fun, but it also has the better privacy, etc.
i do have a time limit of one hour. i suppose i still get annoyed with it, sometimes, but i do see the good of it; if i didn't have a time limit, i would definitely be online for more time than is good for me.  the time limit definitely helps.
as for abbreviations; there was a short period of time when i was using abbreviations too much (evidence in my blog), but luckily i didn't fall too deeply into that, it didn't really become a habit in the strict sense of the word, and i'm fine, now. but i think it's good to know the abbreviations, because sometimes i find good reason to use them. like, when i'm texting someone from the computer, i use as many abbreviations as possible to save them the cents. and sometimes it's just weird when you don't know, like it was kind of weird when i had to ask mom what "btw" "fyi" "afaik" and "sp" stood for. also, i think it's good to know if people use certain acronyms that actually have offensive language. i don't know, but i kind of... use that as a kind of warning? like for example, with the people here in cinci that i kept in touch with while i was in clarks summit, i didn't see them that much, so i didn't know if they were still in the right crowd or not. so if anyone used offensive language hidden in acronyms, i knew that maybe the weren't the best people to talk to anymore. ahe, but i don't suppose devin would have to deal with that. all the same, i think it's good to know the abbreviations... (maybe i also say that because i feel kind of silly when i have to ask.  )
i am talking to someone i haven't met yet. one person. but it's not a totally random person. i met him through an old friend that i'm quite sure is still in the right crowd (and i got that from catholic family friends that we see every week). otherwise, if i get an IM from a screen name that i don't recognize, i ask quite plainly who it is, and say that if they don't tell me me straight, i'll block them. so far, i haven't had any problems there; all of the unfamiliar screen names that i've dealt with are just friends with multiple screen names that i can't keep track of.
umm at the moment, that's all i can really think of. i'm sure devin will be fine. and actually... i'm chatting with her right now! yay!
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folklaur
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Hi Angie,
Like Theresa, we don't really see it much different than phone use. (Actually, I like it better in that I can see what the 'other' side is saying also.  ). Sarah loves-loves-loves to talk on the phone. She rarely plays video games, hardly ever watches TV, doesn't spend hours surfing the net, and, until this year with Marching Band, didn't really ask to go out and about very much...so...I tend to let her use the phone quite a bit (more often than I think dh would, but less often than Sarah would like  ). She does like to IM too, and I have access to all conversations, can read over her shoulder if I want, etc. I don't care if she uses abbreviations. I think teens want/need to feel that social connection. And since she is responsible in most other ways...I really don't have an issue with it. But I do know everyone on her Buddy List.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: IM
