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Martha
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| Posted: June 22 2006 at 8:04am | IP Logged
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Little Bridget is becoming quite a big handfull. She's a "high maintence" gal these days...  
She's only a month old, so I know things may even out after a few months, but in the mean time...
*sigh*
This past Sunday we did not go Mass. Bridget basicly doesn't leave the breast at night and Sunday she didn't do anything but scream all day and night. We had been going to the noon or 5pm masses because it's hard to make the earlier masses with everyone so tired and a newborn in tow. 11am came and Bridget is still bieng rocked, nursed, and walked to no relief.. We'll just go to the 5pm mass. 4pm comes and goes the same. 
The godparents are not happy and neither am I. They think I should take everyone anyhow. (Guilt, guilt, and more piled on guilt here, but happy to have such good godparents!) But my dh isn't Catholic, which means if I leave for more than a few minutes to quiet her - everyone leaves. My dh doesn't feel comfortable staying if I'm going to be out the entire time due to anything, so when the baby is that difficult - he doesn't want to go at all. My dh has always been very supportive and involved with my decision to convert and has never said the slightest negative word about raising the kids in the faith, so I do feel a bit of obligation to not make things uncomfortable or negative for him in this area, kwim?
What do you ladies of many do in these situations? Do you miss mass? How would you feel about dh dropping off the older 3 or 4 to go alone? (I NEVER, EVER do things like that, but would consider it ONLY for God's sake here.) Wuold you go even if you feel certain you're going to end up leaving with a crying baby? I'm not talking older babies, that's different. I'm talking 2/3mos and under here.
Thanks for any tips or help you might offer.
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Martha
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Molly Smith
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| Posted: June 22 2006 at 8:13am | IP Logged
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My first thought is, take the older 4 or 5 (or whoever is reliably well-behaved) and the newborn and go, sit in the back, and nurse through the whole Mass if you need to. With my last little guy, I would nurse him through the homily (our pastor is a bit long-winded  ) and that would do. I'd never nursed anyone at Mass before him, but I quickly learned how to do it discreetly and we inched our way back up to the front of the church over time. Leave the littles at home with Daddy for now, that way if you must leave with the baby you can at least leave the older children in Mass.
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Christine
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| Posted: June 22 2006 at 8:24am | IP Logged
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I will pray that things get better for you.
My husband is Catholic and insists that the children, ages 3 or 4 and up, stay in the pew with him, so my situation is a little different. I have only missed Mass once, since becoming a mother. The one Mass I missed was the Sunday following my first child's birth. When my children are infants, I nurse them in the pew with a blanket covering. I have remained in the church with baby spit up all over me. I have stood in the back of the Church for countless Masses, swaying and holding an infant.
My best advice is consistency with a little flexibility. I usually try to make my days, including Sundays, as close to the same as possible. It seems to help the baby. If you know, you have to leave at 11:30 to get to Mass at Noon, try to have your days flow in such a way that you nurse your baby before 11:30 and maybe sometime between 12 and 1. I am not advocating a schedule here, because I believe in feeding a baby on demand. However, I have noticed that babies seem to naturally take on a rhythm that is altered only by growth spurts and hectic days. One last bit of advice, try to stay calm (drink chamomile tea), babies respond to Mommy's moods. I know this last bit of advice can be very difficult when you are trying to get out of the house, but mental prayer can help.
The first few months are not easy. May God bless you!
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dhbrug
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| Posted: June 22 2006 at 8:26am | IP Logged
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Bridget is only a month old so why not nurse her during Mass? Lana (dw) suggests sitting behind a tall person so the Priest won't get distracted. Take a shawl or little blanket to place over Bridget and no-one will notice anyway. If anyone looks, just smile and point to the front.
Going as a family to Mass is beneficial for all concerned. The family is together at something important, fellow parishioners always like seeing the next generation attend, and the day you think the children were horrible someone will come up and say, "You're kids were great today."
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Bridget
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I TOLD you not to name her Bridget. (Just teasing.)
It seems that you going with just the olders till she settles into life might be a good solution.
Or is part of the problem that she doesn't settle well enough to be there at all? I have had some intense, high maintenance babies like that. In the first two months it was just overwhelming to go anywhere at all. Becuase even nursing did not always comfort them, or I needed more privacy than is possible in public to get them settled in. Those kinds of babies would like to be back in the womb, thank you very much.
i have gone to some really good priests about this. They have assured me that missing mass for a situation like this, or caring for sick children is not a sin. I hesitate to give 'spiritual direction' type of advice, but that is the direction I have received.
Next week will be better, you'll get to mass. Persevere!
I'll surely keep your family in prayer. (I've already been praying for your DH's conversion. He is awesome to be as supportive as he is.)
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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mary
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i'm not clear as to the problem. is it that you would have to nurse during mass? or that she fusses/cries the entire mass? if it's the nursing, i would get a sling and a nursing top and nurse all mass long. if it's the second, can you put the older kids in the back row and then stand near the door and rock the baby in a sling? i'll be watching the thread to see if anyone has any great suggestions since my baby is 6 days old and we are attempting our own mass experience this weekend.
i wonder if going to daily mass would help ease the transition?
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Martha
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| Posted: June 22 2006 at 9:01am | IP Logged
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Bridget:Or is part of the problem that she doesn't settle well enough to be there at all? I have had some intense, high maintenance babies like that. In the first two months it was just overwhelming to go anywhere at all. Becuase even nursing did not always comfort them, or I needed more privacy than is possible in public to get them settled in. Those kinds of babies would like to be back in the womb, thank you very much.
YES!! That is it exactly. I'm not in the least bothered by nursing during Mass. But that doesn't help or helps for only a very few minutes on and off.
Oh thank goodness, I'm not alone! My 2nd was also like this and people really just don't understand until they've had one like that.
They also seem to think I should just ignore dh and go my own way when it comes to this.
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MEBarrett
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I had some trouble getting to mass after Ryan was born. He was a horrible nurser - I was sick and I just could not get out of the house. I went to confession and the priest looked at me like I was nuts. He said you just had a baby, relax. He basically told me that no one expects mom to bring newborns to Mass right away and at certain times of year (cold and flu season) it's just not the right thing to do. He told me to make a spiritual communion and to get the whole family to mass as soon as things got settled down.
It is really important for the whole family to attend mass but since your dh isn't Catholic but is supportive I would not do anything to push him or make him uncomfortable. Just do the best you can to get there. Go to confession as often as you can and discuss this with your priest and if you end up missing it teach your children to do a spiritual communion.
A month is not long to adjust to a new little one. Try not to be so hard on yourself and relax a bit - God knows your heart and intentions - He knows you aren't blowing Him off.
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ladybugs
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Martha wrote:
My dh has always been very supportive and involved with my decision to convert and has never said the slightest negative word about raising the kids in the faith, so I do feel a bit of obligation to not make things uncomfortable or negative for him in this area, kwim?
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I just wanted to say how impressed I am with your dh for his support and openness to life! 
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JSchaaf
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Are the godparents local? Could they take your children to Mass?? My Allyson, now almost 4, would not nurse in public from about one month on. She was very distracted by any noise, talking, and movement. I do believe caring for small children is a legitimate reason to miss Sunday Mass.
Jennifer
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Martha
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ladybugs wrote:
| I just wanted to say how impressed I am with your dh for his support and openness to life! |
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 Me too! I have always told people who are critical of us that I am blessed in him. Honestly, if the situtaion had been reversed with him in my shoes, I seriously doubt I would have been as wonderful as he has been. 
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Martha
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| Posted: June 22 2006 at 11:21am | IP Logged
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JSchaaf wrote:
Are the godparents local? Could they take your children to Mass?? My Allyson, now almost 4, would not nurse in public from about one month on. She was very distracted by any noise, talking, and movement. I do believe caring for small children is a legitimate reason to miss Sunday Mass.
Jennifer |
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Yes, the g/p are local. However, they only have 1 or 3 children...
They are wonderful people, but we go beyond their vehicular maximum occupancy level and they sometimes just can't relate to the physical logistics of a large family.
I missed Mass several times between Easter and Bridget's birth because of fears of going too far from home (remember I have 1 van and fast labors!) and being in physical pain (I fell over a stupid baby gate the Wed. after Easter, baby wasn't hurt, but I felt liek I'd gone down a flight of stairs!) I've actually only missed mass twice since she was born.
Godmom was horrified that I didn't notice they'd moved the tabernacle at Easter. lol Well at our parish, it used to be to the left of the alter under a Marian statue. The only visual difference is that all the tabernacle candles are now behind the alter. Honestly, I felt bad about that, but Mass is often exhausting with 7 (now 8) dc.  Everyone getting to the right page in the hymnal, don't elbow your sister, "face the cross!" not the yammering kid behnd us, is everyone kneeling, nurse the baby, point out the alter boys work, ect... I feel my job is to help the kids to focus on the cross and participating in the Mass. Unfortunately, that entails some sacrifice on my end of the worship.
 Anyhow. Thank you for the encouragement. I know this phase will pass, but oh that mommy-guilt lingers ...
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StephanieA
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Out of 7 children, I have had 2 HIGH maintenance, irritable babies. They would NOT settle down and nurse nice at Mass or anywhere else...period. There was no way I could be discreet with these fussy, crying babies. So I lived in the confessional during Mass. I didn't have to worry about disturbing anyone while I burped them, relatched, stood up, jigged up and down, etc. It was that bad. After about 10 minutes of Mass, I would be seen skirting back and closing the door to the confession just a bit. Because we have a drive to Mass, sometimes I wouldn't even MAKE it to the pew with the rest of my crew.
My first was one of these high maintence guys and as an after thought, he is 18 and goes to confession twice a month. I think he feels at home and comfortable in there
That said the second high maintence child was always accompanied by the toddler who could not stand to have Mom leave the pew. So there I was trudging back with 2 kids in tow. I brought a small Mass purse for the toddler and expected quiet as much as humanly possible with her. I sang, prayed outloud, etc. with the congregation to set the tone for the toddler.
I wouldn't hesitate to leave a 4 year old or younger home while you struggle with the new little one if that's on option.
But the confession is still a great option for us.
Blessings,
Stephanie
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Elizabeth
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Dear Martha,
My dh travels on the weekends, so I'm pretty much alone for Mass. I've been in your shoes. Why not ask the godparents to each take their specific godchild? The whole crew might be too many for their cars, but not one or two... It's easy to sit back and click one's tongue and shake one's head. Why not give them an opportunity to help? They can judge you, but will they serve you? Mary Ellen is absolutely right about spiritual communion.There are legitimate reasons to stay home and if the older kids are going with their godparents, all the better. YOu might need to patiently explain the logistics AND to explain why defying your husband would be counterproductive.
If you do want to go and you feel up to it, and dh won't be left inside alone with the children, go by yourself with the kids and be peaceful about spending Mass in the vestibule. My priest often told me that there were more graces to be had in the vestibule than sitting in the pews. My children could be trusted to behave well in the pews by the time they were five or six. Sometimes, I left well before the homily and stayed out until communion, but the children were in there. I didn't feel fed, but I know I was doing the right thing. Mass was truly a sacrifice, but there was grace in the sacrifice. I learned that I don't have a "right" to a peaceful hour of prayerful worship. And it was exhausting, so I also learned to account for going home and crashing.
A month is really young. I think our society so doesn't support new mothers. We're supposed to bounce back right away. Problem with that theory is that we miss that brief window when the world really should stop and allow us to focus on nurturing a baby through her introduction to our lives. It's okay to demand that time. It's okay to protect your physical and emotional health by not doing something that is going to exhaust you and bear no good fruit.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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ladybugs
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| Posted: June 22 2006 at 12:47pm | IP Logged
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Martha wrote:
| Godmom was horrified that I didn't notice they'd moved the tabernacle at Easter. lol |
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I'm sorry, but I found this difficult to read. You have a newborn and little kids! It's not like it was deliberate.
To me, the fact that you are there with kids in tow trying your hardest is the most important thing. It doesn't even matter if you remember what the homily was about. You tried.
Mother Teresa used to say that we are not called to be successful but to try.
At this point, too, with a newborn, I would say you're still recovering. Talk to a priest if you're not sure about the mandate of your attendance.
You're trying. That's the most important!
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Maria P
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Cay Gibson
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| Posted: June 22 2006 at 12:49pm | IP Logged
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Elizabeth wrote:
| They can judge you, but will they serve you? |
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This one sentence took my breath away.
How profound!
If only all Christians would "get this."
Christ did not judge people as he walked in our mist. He served. The King of Kings, the Judge of Judges served!
It's so simple...
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StephanieA
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<pews by the time they were five or six. Sometimes, I left well before the homily and stayed out until communion, but the children were in there. I didn't feel fed, but I know I was doing the right thing. Mass was truly a sacrifice, but there was grace in the>
Amen, Elizabeth. I had our pastor complain about Adam and how he fussed in church years ago. I felt so ashamed. But once I found the confessional, life was better. People probably think by now that this is my personal prayer cave
It is a sacrifice. But as I look at the cross in the confessional and then at my child, I am filled with the most awesome love, despite everything. I have connected there on some Sundays in a truly wonderful way. When I really am frustrated, I turn to the statue of Mary in there and pray, "Dearest Mother, mother me."
Blessings,
Stephanie
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ALmom
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Could you try letting dh take the infant outside temporarily? I know this is an odd question to ask of a nursing mom but I ask it because my dh insisted once on doing it - just for a short time to try and see if it helped. My dh sensed that the baby was restless because he was overtired and he just needed something different.
Our infant kept acting like he wanted to nurse but would pull away, scream, etc. It was frustrating and exhausting and I was trying so hard to be a good mom and getting more and more exhausted all the time. When dh took the baby all the way outside - the quiet, the fresh air, etc. and dads walking and belly pressure, helped him relax and he went right off to sleep. Dh slipped back in to church with a peacefully sleeping infant for the first time in a long time.
This helped us get through - now I must admit there were many times if he didn't come back in in very short order, I'd slip out too to check and see if nursing was needed. I would whisper an explanation to all the other dc and leave oldest in charge for the short time. (If my oldest wasn't old enough, perhaps you could sit in front of another family you trusted and have a working agreement with them for when you had to slip out). I also had an inability to concentrate on the Mass until dh and baby returned.
Sometimes the baby needed nursing when I went back and I would nurse in the back while dh waited or went back in depending on the circumstances (dh, in your case, may prefer to stay with you and resume baby walking when baby finsishes nursing), sometimes I disturbed a baby that was almost asleep and dh would tease me after Mass for not trusting him. Sometimes we took turns being outside - but usually my dh insisted on being the outside walker and promised me he'd come back in if baby didn't settle quickly - just in case it was mom or nursing that the baby needed.
I will admit that when the baby wasn't there, I was never as attentive - but once we found a pattern/routine, the baby actually was happier and quickly settled. It was simply an art figuring out what the baby really needed. My dh was very proud to be able to settle the baby when I had been unable to - and this was the only dc that was the case. All the others had to have me.
When we knew we were likely to be going in and out a lot, we sat near the back, on the end of a pew (generally we took up the whole pew anyways) so as not to disturb.
It was worth it for us to really creatively work on a solution that allowed us all to keep our family Mass tradition even if we all weren't present in the sanctuary. I know our circumstances were different in that Mass was close at hand (we had one child that got car sick and we could not drive any distances with him), my dh did not mind staying in with dc, I could leave most dc in by themselves as there is a large (4 years) difference between oldest and next child and I generally got reasonable sleep at night so an early morning Mass (the quieter one) while difficult, was not an impossibly unrealistic attempt.
Hope something in here gives some ideas - but even if not, be assured our prayers are with you as you look to God to guide you to what He wants of you.
Janet
Janet
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Martha
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| Posted: June 22 2006 at 3:06pm | IP Logged
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Okay... thanks for the ideas..
If it's near the end of Mass, I don't mind dh taking the newest heir out with him instead. If we haven't made it at least half way through though, I prefer not to as I would like to not give my dh any excuse to leave early if I can avoid it. He never asks to leave or refuses to come, BUT once he's out in the van - he's devoted to whatever game is playing on the radio and Mass is out of sight/mind.  It's my quiet way of converting his heart a wee bit at a time each Sunday.
The confessionals are at the FRONT of our church on either sides of the alter platform.
The godparents aren't being judgemental, so much as caring in their spiritual duties. These godparents are to my youngest 2 dc. (The older dc's g/p moved away.) I do like the idea of recruiting their help though. The godmom does go to our parish and I don't think she would mind keeping an eye on the older boys if I have to step away or can't make it in to begin with due to Bridget. As a matter of fact, I may give that plan a try tomorrow...
My dh doesn't mind attending if we go as a family, he doesn't want to be there if he thinks I'm going to be gone for most or all of the Mass. So this is only an issue when Bridget is having "one of those days". He says if she's having one of those days, he'd rather we stay home and deal with it here, rather than add to the stress of her screaming by having her do it there.
I'm thinking of working harder to get to the 8am mass. We might be well-crumpled/wrinkled and less well-dressed when we get there, but she seems to be really good from about 7:00 - 8:30 as long as she's finishing her all-night nursing then. If I grab some clothes as quick as possible and then nurse her before and on the way and while we're there and if we can manage to get everyone clean and as ready as possible the night before and eat breakfast afterwards, that might just work out....
Thank you ladies (and gentlemen)...
I think I really just needed some reassurance this is normal and I'm not a horrible Catholic mother.
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Martha
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Karen E.
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You are soooo not a bad Catholic mom.
Read St. Therese's Story of a Soul in which she mentions staying home with her mother when she was "too young" to go to Mass ....
You've received wonderful advice, and you'll be in my prayers!
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Karen E.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: having a hard time going to Mass - help?
