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misswallo
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| Posted: March 11 2014 at 7:33pm | IP Logged
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Ladies, can you help me decide if this is something that you think is normal behavior that will pass or if you think we need some extra help. My oldest daughter (15) is a beautiful, smart and kindhearted girl. She is struggling with feelings of depression, anxiety and loneliness. It seems to come and go, sometimes it's an all day event or sometimes it is short lived. (Today it lasted all morning into early afternoon.) She will be irritable, unable to focus and weepy. This has been going on for a year. It all started as a result of a very short lived "romance". She met a boy in our homeschooling group and they really liked each other. She was only 14 at the time and knew she couldn't date him, so they just talked on the phone and texted...it lasted 3weeks. until his parents told him that he was too old for her..he's almost 2 years older. I don't know if it was a mistake to let them communicate with each other or not, it seemed innocent to me, but now that I see her heartache, I wished I would have handled it differently. I ran into this boy' mother a few months later, she confirmed to me that she told him to end it and also said he was heartbroken as well. Anyways..a year later and my daughter thinks about him everyday. I am trying to be understanding about her feelings, but it was only a 3 week thing. I am supportive and listen to her cry and talk, but I wish she could just let it go. She will tell me that maybe she is just naturally inclined to be sad. It doesn't stop her from doing her normal things she enjoys. She still plays her guitar and sings. She's a good student and has great friends. I just hate to see her like this and don't want to let this go on if it is something that needs to be addressed with some sort of professional. Have any of you experienced this with your daughters...any advice??
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Missy-married in 1997 dd(99) dd(01) dd(04) dd(06) ds(09) and ds(12)
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: March 11 2014 at 7:49pm | IP Logged
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Haven't dealt with it with my daughters. But I know that hormonal swings can have them weepy and irritable we've found that the herb red raspberry leaf really help normalize hormones so that they don't have those big swings. Basically helps them "get a grip". I know, I've used it myself. 
Also, sometimes when we're "too sympathetic" we can give the impression that it's ok to hang on to something. Sometimes we also need to help them learn that while it's ok to be sad.. we can't keep hauling it back up.. there's a time to weep and a time to mourn and a time to suck it up and get on with life.
Now if she's dealing with depression, that's not just a "suck it up" thing. And feeling down from depression might just have her dredging up those thoughts because they match her mood. So it's hard to tell which came first.
Also, depression can by a symptom of vitamin deficiency, so I might be sure we had that covered (especially magnesium and B's) and tried the Red Raspberry Leaf (you can get it as capsules or tea) and then see if we needed to pursue more medical intervention.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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SallyT
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| Posted: March 12 2014 at 8:34am | IP Logged
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Do you know that it's actually still about that event, or was that simply a trigger for something -- emotions, and especially female emotions, are often like "six characters looking for a reason to be," and will glom onto anything in an attempt to justify themselves.
So while the severance of that friendship may have been a "grief event," in and of itself, with lasting effects -- and we should never, ever underestimate how devastating the loss of a relationship can feel, especially for a teenaged girl - at the same time, her actual feelings in the present may just *be,* and in seeking to understand them, she may be holding onto that past grief event because it seems to explain what she's feeling. I don't *know* that that's the case, but it does seem to be how our emotions often work.
My own young-adult daughter has struggled with a good bit of panic and anxiety in the last year. She's probably always had a predilection for this kind of thing (as do I), but what seemed to trigger it, last summer, was a dating relationship that went bust. It was all very chaste, between two faithful Catholic young adults, but didn't end well, and she suffered a lot, mostly because the end of it coincided with a summer vacation (she's a college student) in which she didn't have a lot to occupy and distract her -- her summer job dried up, her best friend moved away . . . so she was left without a lot of her normal outlets, and with a lot of time to brood. Bad combo.
Her resulting (or coinciding?) anxiety attacks were severe enough that when she went back to school, she sought counseling, which has helped *tremendously,* mostly because the counselor has been able to give her some mental exercises for dialing back her emotions when they threaten to overwhelm her, and for strategizing about how to approach potentially difficult situations (roommates, guys who are interested in her, etc). Just feeling that she has some control over her interactions and her responses to situations has helped her more than I can say. Her school year has had its ups and downs, but for the most part she's maintained good equilibrium, met her challenges, and been happy.
I would say that if this is bothering her, and worrying you, as an ongoing thing, it's worth it to seek some kind of counseling support. Ask your pastor for a recommendation, or investigate the Pastoral Solutions Institute. We've done marriage counseling with Dr. Popcak, and I would recommend him and his organization without hesitation.
I wouldn't treat or present this as something draconian -- "Oh, no! You need HELP!" -- but just as a chance to talk through and find some resolution to the sad feelings she's having, with the idea that for the rest of her life she doesn't always have to be at the mercy of those feelings. The idea that she can learn to manage her emotional responses, so that they're not overwhelming all the time, and also to manage her interactions with others so as not to get swept away in an emotional situation, can be very empowering. That's a useful teaching moment, too -- teaching someone 1) that she can and 2) how to seek help when things feel out of control, and that the situation doesn't have to be life-or-death for counseling to be appropriate and helpful.
Jodie's herbal/vitamin suggestions are good, too -- those things can definitely help.
I don't know that you should feel badly about letting her communicate with this boy in the first place -- thus far we've always taking the line that in high school, *friendship* with members of the opposite sex is a good and healthy thing, and activities *in groups* are to be encouraged. That's been our line, rather than "No Dating!" We've never explicitly proscribed private communication, and have allowed some boy-girl phone conversations, though I've come to think that texting is just noxious on many levels :). My best friend in high school was a boy, and we did spend lots of time on the phone -- keeping each other sane, really. So maybe because of that, I tend to be kind of liberal on that front with my own kids, possibly to a fault, though so far we've had no real issues. The same daughter did have a sort of "this boy and I like each other" thing at about fourteen -- what is it about that age? We did allow it some (very small and controlled) leeway, and it died a natural death pretty quickly. It was actually a useful learning experience for our daughter, who later said, "What was I thinking? I was fourteen years old! Obviously we weren't going to get married, so what was the point?"
I spent a lot of time taking long walks with my daughter when she was in high school, talking through this kind of stuff and letting her vent. Probably at this point I've just blocked a lot of the drama out of my mind, but we certainly had some teary scenes that were purportedly about this or that person, but I really think, in hindsight, were just about being a teenager and feeling out of sorts with life.
Anyway, been there with girl emotions and boys . . . Even having been a teenaged girl myself, I still somehow have been shocked by the level of girl-emotion in our life!
Sally
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SeaStar
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| Posted: March 12 2014 at 12:03pm | IP Logged
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I recently read a little blurb from Richard Carlson in his "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff in Love" book.
The section was called: "Stop Rehearsing Being Unhappy"
When I read that... bingo! It was a light bulb moment for me, because I tend to stew and mentally review things over and over. Evidently, this is a common pitfall for many people.... reliving an unhappy moment or thinking about what might be wrong and how you would react, etc.
There's really not much to be gained from this practice. It breeds extra sadness and stress and worry. Like Jodie said, you have to move on.
The solution presented was to catch yourself when you start rehearsing unhappy thoughts. Just say: Here I go again! and try to think of something else or do something else. Simple, but very effective.
I don't know if this simple idea could help your daughter, but it might.
Also- it's good to remember that thoughts of sadness, loneliness, etc never come from God. These are not things He wants for his beloved children. The devil whispers these thoughts into our ears.
So, if your dd can catch herself rehearsing gloomy thoughts, she could redirect with a good, "Jesus, I trust in You! ". She can also rest in the truth that God has marvelous plans for her future, and if it's His will to include a certain young man, he will. If not, He has someone even better in store! 
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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misswallo
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| Posted: March 14 2014 at 1:06pm | IP Logged
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Thanks ladies..you have all given me great "food for thought" and good conversation ideas to have with my daughter. When she has "recovered" from her emotional roller coaster, she admits she can sit back and realize that she really isn't sad or depressed and then she's embarrassed of how she acted. Thank you for your insight.
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Missy-married in 1997 dd(99) dd(01) dd(04) dd(06) ds(09) and ds(12)
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LLMom
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| Posted: March 14 2014 at 7:31pm | IP Logged
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Do watch her and check on her. It could be more. My now 23 yr old dd had something similar happen but at an older age. That coupled with loneliness left her depressed for a long time. If your dd is already lonely, something like this can make it worse. Does she have many friends and involved in some things? Kids this age need to be involved with others their own age and some meaningful work.
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Lisa
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Barb.b
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| Posted: March 15 2014 at 10:02am | IP Logged
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How about charting on a calendar when she feels this way. Could be during PMS times is when she gets this way too.
Barb
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folklaur
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| Posted: May 20 2014 at 8:55pm | IP Logged
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Well, hormones are probably playing a big part.
However, my oldest ended up marrying her first love, after every relationship either one of them had over the years ended for one reason or another.
And they didn't talk or communicate during most of those years apart, at all, (she went away to college, etc) but I still kept in occasional contact with his Mom, so knew what was going on with his life.
They are now married, have been for almost 2 years, and are blissfully happy. I am thrilled they found their way back to each other. I had always felt in my heart he was "the one" for her.
He's in the process of converting to Catholicism now.
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Martha
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| Posted: May 21 2014 at 1:38pm | IP Logged
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Oh good grief. His mom thought a not quite 16 year old was too old to talk in the phone with a 14 year old turning 15? Bah. Ridiculous. Talking is not age discriminate unless their conversation was inappropriate.
Aside from that bit of minor annoyance on my part for you... 
It sounds frustratingly normal. I would check her iron, up vitamin and omega oils usage and protein intake and send her to swim in the pool or mow the lawn for an hour. (Or some other highly physical activity outdoors.) and don't dwell on the unhappy. Insist they fake it until they become it. Get up, get dressed, eat a decent meal, create something that day, and so forth.
Obviously, if you do all that and she gets worse or she stops enjoying her interests or friends, look far more intensely into this being more than teen angst.
But otherwise, I mostly agree with the other ladies' advice.
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Martha
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misswallo
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| Posted: May 29 2014 at 5:25pm | IP Logged
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Hi ladies..boy, it seems like forever ago since I posted this. Thank you for all your responses. Martha..at the time my daughter was 13..turning 14 in a few weeks and the boys was 15 turning 16 in 4 months. From what I understand from his mother, he really like my daughter and wanted to date her. I think his mother wasn't so concerned about them talking but more worried about him wanting to date a girl who was so young. But, I agree, talking isn't age discriminate. Anyways..she is doing much better now..time has healed her heart and I think hormones were at play as well. She is now 15 and has a year of perspective. I think she still likes him but she's not crying over him anymore...thanks again all of you!
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Missy-married in 1997 dd(99) dd(01) dd(04) dd(06) ds(09) and ds(12)
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Mom's with teen or young adult daughters.
