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TryingMyBest
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Anyone here have a husband who works very long hours? Either all of the time or during certain seasons?
My DH has worked really long hours for the past year. He's an accountant and his department has gone through some big changes in the past year and he's consistently worked weekends and several late nights a week. He says things will get better soon since they've just added some new people to his department.
His worst season is year end close which is January and February. Last year he worked every weekend and got home around 2 in the morning for several weeks straight.
We've talked about how he can't keep up with this kind of a schedule and he keeps saying it will get better but then another project starts and he's right back at the long hours.
I'm dreading next month. Last year I was still working so I had a break from what is essentially single parenthood. But this year I will be with DD all of the time.
Our rhythm suffers a lot too since DD will insist she wants to stay up to see Daddy. Meal planning is worthless. DH tells me when I'm planning for the week that he'll be home certain nights but then he doesn't get home on time. I decided this year I'm going to cook for me and put aside DH's portion for him to eat for dinner at work the next night (so he's going to work with both lunch and dinner).
I feel selfish complaining about this. DH's job is what makes it possible for me to be home with our daughter. But it's really frustrating. For example, I keep missing the women's group things at church because DH can't get home in time to watch DD. I put in on the Cozi schedule but something always seems to come up at work.
How do keep up a good family rhythm with a father who has an unpredictable schedule? Would it be selfish to ask DH to plan a few nights at home in January so I could get out of the house for an hour or two?
Jenn
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mom2mpr
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Jenn,
Hugs to you. We lived that life a few years ago and are headed back into it. Our kids were young first time through and we just flexed with the schedule. That was why we homeschooled. We stayed up late to see daddy and slept in.  It worked. I abused my neighbors some  and they took the older kid for an hour or so here and there. Really, they mostly initiated it and it did help. I think if you asked someone to spell you an hour or two they might. I would! I put ds in gymnastics for energy release and dd and I hung out and watched and rested and talked to the other moms. Win-win!
Simple menus, use of select videos for "relief", making sure you "fill them up" during the day and don't tend to household tasks as much. Really it amounted to setting priorities and realizing it wasn't going to be pretty-meaning the house. For me it was clean bathrooms, decent food and a somewhat clean kitchen and clothes. That was it.
Honestly, it sounds mean, but I planned for him not to be here and if he was, we went with it. It helped me psychologically.
I am reintroducing all the stuff I learned before for my current time, except, my kids are older-easier because they can help more, harder because they are out more and need rides and all.
We look back on first time through and really think what a blessing it was in a way. When we were together we were really together-focused on each other and enjoying it. It was great in that way. Day to day grind with each other you sometimes lose that appreciation.
Re-reading your post I realize he is around. Mine was traveling. Could you and dd go by for lunch? Could you bring dd to the church meeting with you? Could he pick her up on his way home? You could ask him to pen in a Sunday afternoon or two for you during January. It isn't a lot to ask. Could you work with family in the area?
I have learned my dh needs to do what he needs to do and I need to support him in it. Which means, I need to work out things here and sacrifice and keep giving to the kids, even when I am toast-that is where the videos come in hang in there, he is working really hard and it will pay off in the future.
Oh, and rhythm is pretty well done. Pick something to ground dd, for me it was meals and outside time, since bedtimes moved a lot, and it did help them feel structure and stability.
If I think of anything else I'll come back, I am sure many other moms will have more awesome suggestions.
Not my most organized post but I hope you can glean something from it 
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Anne, married to dh 16 years!, ds,(97), Little One (02), and dd (02).
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Aagot
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I hear you! Yes, that just about describes my husband. I keep telling him that his family will be the only ones to miss him when he dies. Work will just find another "orange" to squeeze and throw away.
I have just decided to accept it and and stop fighting it. Nothing I say or do will change anything and it just makes me stressed out. So we carry on without him. If he comes home in time for dinner, it is a bonus. The kids go to bed whether he is home or not. I do save his dinner. I do not belong to any outside groups that require me leaving the kids at home. My recharge time comes from reading or listening to ewtn.
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SallyT
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My husband is a college professor, and there have been years when his days were very long -- when he taught both daytime and evening classes, for example. Mercifully his schedule is better these days, but there are still times when he's gone a lot, especially during mid-term and end-of-semester grading periods. Before he got this current job, he spent five years doing adjunct teaching, which meant insane hours and commutes . . . and at one point during that time, he also worked as a security guard doing 12-hour shifts. And long before that, he was an Episcopal priest, and apt to be gone at any time of the day or night, for any amount of time, depending on what the current emergency was . . .
Anyway, yes, been there. And it can be hard and lonely when it goes on day after day -- though I've often felt ashamed to admit that when I considered my friends who are military wives with husbands on deployment!
Still, there it is. You feel the way you feel, regardless of how long or short or intense these phases are, and that's completely valid. So what helps?
1. Routines: When my husband is gone, I am a dragon about bedtime. It's counter-intuitive, and the kids don't always like it, because they want to see Dad. But at the end of the day, I'm worn out, and depending on how late he's going to be, they really don't benefit from staying up, even though as homeschoolers of course we can opt to sleep in. If he's only going to be an hour or so late (coming in at 9, say), I'd let them stay up -- actually, at this point, 9:30 is our usual bedtime. But if he's going to be any later, I at least impose in-your-room time, with a promise that Dad will come up and say good night when he gets home. Frankly, when he gets home late, he's worn out, too, and not really up for a lot of kid-time. We make up for that at weekends.
2. Dinner: Over the course of many, many years I have learned that when my husband is working late and says he will be home at X hour, what he really means is that he'll be a minimum of an hour later than that. I make whatever dinner we're going to have and put his portion back to wait for him. If he's already eaten, then someone will have that for lunch the next day. I like the idea of sending his portion as his dinner the next day -- we should be more on the ball to do that! We do touch base during the day, and he's pretty good about letting me know whether to count on him for dinner (i.e. that he's planned, or not, to get something on the go).
I'd also sometimes do special, informal, fun dinners for the kids. In one house we lived in, it was a big deal to have a "kitchen supper" -- we couldn't actually fit a table into the kitchen that would seat all of us, so getting to eat at the little table, or at the kitchen counter, was a treat. Or I'd allow some kind of "kid" food that I wouldn't normally cook (the dreaded chicken nugget, for instance . . . or we'd make french-bread pizza). I wouldn't do that night after night, obviously, but sometimes, just to break up the monotony of One More Dinner With Fried Mom, things like that were nice. Or we'd listen to an audiobook, or I'd read aloud to them and then eat my dinner later. Anything to make dinner even worth having without Dad.
Very, very occasionally, especially if both older kids are gone as well as Dad, I'll take the youngers out to dinner. We can't do this often, but it is cheaper when there are fewer of us, and especially when at least one of us is eating a kids' meal. There are seasons when you just really need a treat. Even going out for dessert after dinner, or for a coffee-shop treat in the afternoon, can give a little spark to a dreary day and is worth the small expense, in my view. I like being frugal, but sometimes there are things I'd rather go without than a snack or a meal I didn't make!
I have a friend who for years was a single mother with a daughter (her daughter was my oldest daughter's best friend for years and years). They would do things like "elegant manners dinners," with a pretty table and something nice that they'd made together; other nights were "you're allowed to read at the table" nights. It was just the two of them, and I always admired the way the mom was able, after working all day to support them, to create little relationship-building rituals around dinnertime.
3. The Loneliness/Boredom Factor: at this point, with older kids, being stuck in the house all the time isn't even an option, because they're involved in activities that get us all out and together with other people. In years past, I've taken advantage of long days in cold weather for museum field trips and other outings. My parents gave us memberships in the beginning, when we were really broke and my husband's jobs and hours were lousy for family life (this was during the security-guard phase), and even with a baby and a toddler in tow, I was desperate enough to bundle everyone up and out, just to make the long days go by. My older kids at the time were 10 and 6, and we got involved with a community children's theater, which was also a lifesaver -- cost nothing but time, which we had, and we all met friends through it.
That particular phase was also tough because we were coming off four years of grad-student life, during which Dad was home virtually all the time. A lot of that time he was shut in his study writing his dissertation, but still, he was there if we needed him. The adjustment to the insane pieced-together-jobs life was really, really hard for everyone -- and it coincided with the start of our homeschooling, so the older children and I also had to get used to being together a lot more than we had been in the past.
There is kind of a learning curve for coming to enjoy each other's company, I think -- I had been in that mode of thinking that my mental health depended on large breaks from my children, and while I don't deny that we do all need some breaks from each other sometimes, because who doesn't need that, still I came to find that actually we were all pretty good company for each other, and that there was a lot of solidarity to be had in surviving those long days together: "Dad's not going to be home, so how are we going to cope, guys?" Even fairly young children get into the teamwork thing, and I think you reap the dividends when they're teenagers and young adults -- a lot of my closeness to my older children stems from our having lived through difficult times together when they were younger. Some of those times were really cruddy to live through, but we have a remarkable number of good memories from them.
4. Finally: thinking day by day, instead of in terms of "This Whole Horrible Season." If there are particular activities you'd like to do, like the women's group things, circle those days on the calendar and think about how you might come up with alternative child care, if you need to, and plan ahead for that. Do other women in the group have little kids? Can you share a sitter to reduce the cost? Is it feasible to have a sitter/nursery at the church during the meeting or activity? At any rate, if you know that you can't depend on your husband for child-care coverage, just taking him out of that equation will reduce your frustration in that area, and also the pressure on him. That's always a good relationship move, I find.
My husband is generally happy to be home with kids -- when it's feasible -- so that I can get out or, as is more often the issue, have some uninterrupted time to write. Our conversations on this topic have been helped, in recent years, by my not framing "time off" as something he owes me, the lack of which I resent as an unpaid debt. We plan ahead, looking at his calendar and mine, and put times on the schedule which are mine, as a kind of discretionary account. It also helps for me to understand that he needs discretionary time, too -- it's not like he's playing all day at work while I slave at home! He likes his work, but still it's work, so knowing that the need for time off is mutual helps our discussions about how these things will happen. It's not selfish to ask for what you need, but the generosity has to be mutual, with respect for both adults' needs.
OK, the husband is waiting for me at the mechanic right now -- didn't mean to write a novel (if only writing a novel were as easy as banging out long, rambling, probably boring advice columns). Anyway, hang in there. I do empathize.
Sally
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guitarnan
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When my husband is at home (he is in the Navy), he works long hours. It is not as bad as it used to be when my children were 6 and newborn (then it was a lot like the situation you describe!), but predictability just isn't there.
I learned long ago that endlessly complaining to my husband (and demanding time for myself) did not help; in fact, it made things worse, as he had no control at all over his schedule. My husband had no peace in his life (work or home), and it took a while for me to realize that this was the one thing I could give to him that would help HIM, even if it didn't help me. I decided that I was just going to have to learn to do things on my own, and if he managed to get enough time off to share those things with the rest of us, we'd be overjoyed and thankful for that opportunity.
It isn't easy, and it isn't the answer you want to get. It takes a while to shift your mindset and focus on the positive things, especially during the winter, when you have an energetic child at home, wanting to see her Daddy.
The other ladies here have made some excellent suggestions that will help you cope with the practicalities of an unpredictable work schedule. I'd add that flexing bedtime only goes so far when your children are young (2:00 a. m. would not work here...we'd all get cranky and become ill). When my husband was watch standing (rotating schedule, with midwatches), we kept to a standard bedtime, whether he was home or not. It helped me keep the routine going. When he was off the watch (sometimes he got a few days off in a row), we did less school and spent more time with him. We did weekend school occasionally so that we could make that "together time" work.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in the women's group at church, but relying on your husband for child care doesn't seem as though it's a workable solution. Finding another mom to share child care with would be more predictable (and therefore less stressful!); I hope you can work something out so you can be part of the group on a regular basis.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Erin
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I have been there too. When we had three little ones, and the baby had reflux, they were the hardest years of my life and yet the most defining.
You've received good advice here, make friends, good friends who you can share childcare with, even get together and enjoy your children over morning tea. Really vital for sanity. Your dh isn't in a position to help this way at this time. Join some mother's groups.
Not sure how far away your husband's work if from home, but dh used to come home for lunch when possible or we would meet him in the park. And when he was pulling all nighters he would try to come home for dinner and then go back to work. Often couldn't though.
 It's tough but you will become a stronger woman for all this, and he is doing a wonderful job providing for you.
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SeaStar
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Same boat here- dh travels often and long for work. I do the single mom thing quite often for extended periods of time.
When I had my first I overheard a wise woman make this comment: "When you have a child, you yourself go away for a little while. You do come back eventually, but other things come first."
I often ponder this remark- how the "you" (as in what you need/want/would like) has to go away for the good of the family. I think of all the women through history who have been in the same boat (and many of them with husbands away for years fighting wars).
It is hard- but it is a sisterhood. I have found it has gotten a bit easier as my kids have gotten older.
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JodieLyn
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My dh is a wildland firefighter, not only might he work long hours during fire season but it might happen at the last minute AND he's not real likely to be able to get a call in to let me know.. cell phones have big blank areas where no one lives.
And then he's also a city volunteer firefighter. So even if he's home he could be called away at any time. As a volunteer sometimes he can't get away and that's ok but if he can he still goes. This is something we both committed to.
Didn't read everyone but to start with.
Bedtime. I have a set bedtime for mama's sanity. THEN if daddy is not home they may stay up an extra 30 minutes but then they have to go to bed even if daddy is not home. Daddy will go in to say good night/tuck them in even if they're asleep when he gets home.
I try multiple times and many ways and occationally revisit, telling my dh that I'd rather have an accurate estimation than an optimistic (unrealistically so) ETA. And to facilitate this I can NOT get upset if he does tell me that it's likely to be 2am.
I learned to do everything.. shopping and errands etc with children in tow. Then when dh is home we can spend that time together instead of doing my work.
If you're missing so many things, discuss a babysitter option so that you can get out for something like the women's group consistently.. maybe not every week but figure out a minimum that you can count on.
I know my girls are likely to babysit at a moments notice if they are available, so waiting to know if your dh will make it may not mean you can't get a babysitter.
And when daddy is home we drop all the rest of our work if possible and take our weekend/evening/day off right then and there.
We also talk about daddy's being gone. And we talk about how it's ok to miss him. And we talk about how mommy misses him too. And we talk about how lucky we are that daddy works so hard for us.. and basically everything that gives us permission to have our feelings from him being gone but that also builds up daddy as our provider and head of our family with all the love and respect that deserves.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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Erin
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JodieLyn wrote:
| we talk about how it's ok to miss him. And we talk about how mommy misses him too. And we talk about how lucky we are that daddy works so hard for us.. and basically everything that gives us permission to have our feelings from him being gone but that also builds up daddy as our provider and head of our family with all the love and respect that deserves. |
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For me this just nails it. Years ago in this situation I wasn't always gracious in fact I blush to think of how I behaved sometimes but when I started focusing on just what he was sacrificing for his family my attitude (and ability to cope) changed for the better. Truth is my dh would love to be home with his family, I'm so privileged I'm the one who gets to be home full time.
Not meant to minimise at all what you are going through, it is hard but you will find ways to make it work easier for you.
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TryingMyBest
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Thanks everyone for the great advice.
And I have to admit that bedtime goes better when I'm the groove of DH being completely out of the picture. And bedtime is the secret to survival for me because the *prize* at the end of strict adherence to the bedtime ritual is an hour of peace with a glass of wine.
Jenn
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Erin
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Don't forget the chocolate too 
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Erin
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JodieLyn
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Oh on the bedtime.. I'm not sure I was clear.. I give the kids an extra 30 minutes of waiting for daddy *IF* he may get home.. so like he was out on a fire call and could be home any time.. rather than knowing he's on a fire and he won't get home until late if at all.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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SallyT
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I'll add, too, that one thing my husband and I have made a more formal and deliberate part of each day is a little ritual of touching base with each other via a phone call or, more often, email. Nothing big, just a line to ask how the day is going, say "I love you," and vent, if necessary, about whatever's going on on either end. It really helps each of us, I think, to feel that the other person hasn't just disappeared into a completely separate world.
My husband is usually the initiator, but it could just as easily be me. I think he actually worries more about being disconnected from our lives than I worry about being isolated or whatever, and craves reassurance that I'm still thinking about him, even as we get on with our own business.
As mothers we're so often worrying about how we're going to survive the day without cracking up, but generally we do learn to cope, as we'd learn to cope with anything. Interestingly, I've come to realize that our whole dynamic often looks from the outside, to a man, like the same kind of closed circle of mother and child/ren that new fathers often perceive a breastfeeding mother and child to be. Like, thanks for dropping by, but we're pretty sufficient here without you.
I know that in the past I often was not gracious, as Erin says, about my husband's long absences, thinking . . . well, I really wasn't thinking much, to be honest, but I had this ingrained conviction that he was the lucky one, getting to go off and do things outside the house, and I was the put-upon one (but as long as I was put-upon, I was going to be really good at it, so there!).
I knew it was work he was going off to do, and not always pleasant work of his choosing, but still, I think I'm probably as much a product of cultural conditioning as the next person, and cultural conditioning since roughly 1962 says to women that home is a concentration camp, thank you very much Betty Friedan. It took me nearly 20 years -- maybe even more than 20 years -- to realize that truly, given his druthers, my husband would far rather be with me in the concentration camp any day of the week, especially if he felt sure the other inmates, and particularly the matriarchal inmate, really wanted him there, honoring and loving him. Because if we didn't, he might as well stay that extra, possibly-not-wholly-necessary hour at work.
So making sure that he knows, daily, during the work day, that I think of him and miss him (and not in the easy, utilitarian "I wish you'd come home and beat the children and fix the toilet" sense), and making him welcome when he comes home, are my simple payments into the account of our relationship -- and the dividend is that although work is demanding, and sometimes there's no way around it, there's a reason for him to want to come home as soon as he humanly can. It seems like a small thing, but it helps both of us to keep things in perspective to know all this. It doesn't make the hours shorter, but it gives me great confidence that they're not any longer than they have to be.
Sally
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mom2mpr
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TryingMyBest wrote:
Thanks everyone for the great advice.
And I have to admit that bedtime goes better when I'm the groove of DH being completely out of the picture. And bedtime is the secret to survival for me because the *prize* at the end of strict adherence to the bedtime ritual is an hour of peace with a glass of wine.
Jenn
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Oh yes, when dh was out of the country, or the picture , we did get in a groove and bedtime was beautiful. And easy. And early. Made me feel guilty that I wanted him away more than he needed to be because he...complicated....bedtime.
When he was on his way home I would flex. My kiddos didn't stay up until 2am or anything. If they had late naps and he was going to walk through the door at 10pm-we'd go for it and stay up for him. And be awake til midnight but they missed each other and it was fun.
This all sounds so familiar-so you are a normal(tired) mommy
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Anne, married to dh 16 years!, ds,(97), Little One (02), and dd (02).
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SallyT
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Yes, I love that quiet house/late-night glass of wine thing, too!
And I agree, consistent either way is easier to manage than a schedule that changes constantly.
Sally
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SeaStar
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I love the "another dinner with Fried Mommy" phrase!
Because that is exactly how it feels some nights, doesn't it??
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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Kristie 4
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I am in that stage now. Being the only driver is my biggest thing right now- especially with the -40 consistent weather! I decided to look at it as my second part time job (homeschooling being the other job!). My kids are older so they are pretty self motivated so I try to do as much as I can at home. Unfortunately our 100 year old home suffers when he works such long hours- I am not that handy and old houses need constant work! We are sleeping in the middle of the basement reno during the holidays while family is visiting!
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: When husband works long hours?
